My Life Is Complete Now

Why?

Because not only is there a talking Barack Obama doll, but there is also a talking Virgin Mary Barbie-like doll.

I am getting one of each. And Barack and Mary are gonna totally get it on:

Mary Doll: "I'm a virgin chosen by God to be the mother of his son."

Barack Doll: "Yes We Can!"

And then he rips off her shroud.

Yes, as a totally fucked up product of Catholic childhood, I am officially that warped.

Dear God, thank you for this.

Amen.

Sukie

The End of Titty Buffets

Sukie and I have to travel a lot for our jobs, so we burn up the highway and the airways. One of the major highways in our area has the BEST billboards. The billboards are for a place called Cafe Risque. It's a huge buffet and strip club. It offers a variety of services for truckers and the weary traveler. You can shower, eat, partake of nude women...and possibly men, and the list could go on. Well, the owner died not too long ago, and the city has officially bought the place. What was the first order of business, you ask? It was for the entire town to meet at Cafe Risque, rip all of the signs down, and have a bonfire. Hell yeah! Eastwick style! I could argue that Cafe Risque should be protected by freedom of speech, but I actually thought the place looked nasty. That's not the point, though. Wouldn't you imagine that this business paid an ass load of taxes? What does this mean for the city of Lavonia? Higher property taxes? Lavonia is not a big city, so it's not likely that another business with this kind of draw will move there. I could go on, but I'm just going to provide the link to the article. Enjoy!

Article

Republicans

To borrow from Queen,

Another one bites the dust,
Another one bites the dust,
And another one gone,
and another one gone,
Another one bites the dust

Hey! I'm gonna get you too!
Another one bites the dust...
Hooray!

Fucking Airplanes!

I've been on a looooong business trip, and I'm glad to be home. I hate flying. To make things worse, there were about 10 of us. I also don't like being obligated to make small talk with people I work with. I had to sit beside my boss on the flight back, and there was an 11 year old boy on the other side of me. He was all by himself, which made me kind of sad for him. Then, he opened his mouth. I see why this kid was traveling alone.

Kid: "So, are you and him like best friends forever?" (motioning to my boss)
Me: "Sure."
Kid: "Do you like my dog? I named him Tender Heart."
Me: "Hmmm. Interesting name. Do people laugh when you tell them that? Just curious."
Kid: "Yes. How did you know that?"
Me: "I'm really tired, and I'm going to sleep now."

Kid: "Hey! Do you ever wonder where clouds come from?"
Me: "No. I'm asleep."
Kid: "Hey! I bet I could get us a free pack of M&M's candy."
Me: Silence. Eyes closed.
Kid" "I have to pee. My ears hurt."
Me: Silence. Eyes closed.
Kid: "Did you hear me? My ears hurt. Do something about it."
Me: "Ok. If I slap you really hard, it will make your ears stop popping."
My Boss: "Thank God. Go ahead and slap that child."

Again, I hate flying!

My Mood Today

I LOVE this song! Actually, I love this album. It's Aimee Mann's Lost in Space. Hope you all enjoy.

Missing Moles

First Enrique and now Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP has had her mole removed. It's big news, people, which I find odd. I'm a huge TMZ fan because it's kind of like my porn, but this is going a bit far. I did find this funny cartoon about said moles. Please enjoy!

A Haiku for T.D.H.

Less significant
No, he filled a room always
Soon, peace will find him

Fuck!

The Bitches have been M.I.A. for the past few days, and there are many good reasons.

1. A young man that I was mentoring committed suicide this past weekend. This has been really hard to deal with. He had a lot of issues, but he seemed to have been working through them. It's such a waste.

2. My parents were attacked by pit bulls on their morning walk. My mom is ok physically, but she is pretty traumatized by the attack. My dad was hurt, but he is being a butthole and won't get medical treatment.

3. Finally, Sukie's neighbor's house blew up this morning. Yep. The motherfucker blew right up. She was home and happened to look out the window as the roof and front of the house blew right the fuck off.

We are taking the week off and are starting to wonder if we should bother showering, dressing, and leaving our homes for the rest of the week.

Even Imelda Marcos Needs Help Sometimes

I recently landed a new client at work that a lot of people ranked higher than me were fighting over. I'm very excited and proud of myself. To celebrate, I want to buy a new pair of shoes. I've narrowed it down to two different styles (the pink/black and the pair with a bow on the toe). I could wear either of these to the office or out on the town. Our office has a very creative atmosphere, so the admin. doesn't mind if you go a little out there. You just have to be professional. Anyway, I need our readers to tell me which pair to buy. I can't afford both of them, so I have to choose. Let the opinions begin!

Sleep Advice

I've been having a little trouble sleeping lately, and I stumbled across this article. I don't agree with number 3. Exercising later at night actually makes me tired. Also, if I get up and watch television, there is no going back to bed for me. I've been taking valerian root, and it works ok. I can take it for awhile, but then it's recommended to take a week off. I'm usually left with no sleep that week. Any ideas?

The Cube Keeps Turning

I met the Peroxide Queen's man today. I'm going to call him the VD King because of his STD. It is still to be determined what he has. I think the results come in tomorrow. She brought him over to my cube today. He was very car salesman like with his handshake, greeting, and sparkling teeth. He looked like he stepped out of 1985, which is funny because the Peroxide Queen is stuck in the 80's (tapered mom jeans and all). Somehow the conversation veered towards where he went to high school and where he was from. Turns out that the VD King went to high school with one of my brother-in-laws. I quickly called my sister to get the dirt. My brother-in-law was very amused to find out where the VD King was today. It totally made me want to register on classmates.com and look up people I went to high school with. Anyway, this made me start thinking about who else this guy went to high school with. If he went with my brother-in-law, then this means he went with my brother-in-law's sister, Cookie. Now, this is interesting because Cookie don't take no shit and never has. I can't wait until we all get together, and I can get her reaction. Actually, Cookie was too cool for high school and probably doesn't remember the VD King. If I get anything good out of her, I'll report back. As for the diseased couple, Mr. Bitchford and I have been invited out to dinner with them. I'm seriously thinking about going, but I'll have to bring my hand sanitizer with me. Don't wanna catch nothin'.

I'm Sending Out an S.O.S.

I need help! A part-time employee of mine let me know that he would be leaving August 1st. This wasn't a huge shock because I knew he really needed full-time work and benefits. We've had an ok working relationship. If I had to sum up his work in one word, it would be mediocre. Sukie thinks he just sucks ass, but that's another story. I got an email from him this afternoon. It had a job description and his resume attached. He wants me to write a letter of recommendation for him. I looked over the job description, and he isn't qualified. Also, he says he has to have the letter by tomorrow morning. WTF, dude? Nice notice. I opened his resume and stopped breathing for a minute. He lied. There were job duties listed for his current job that are not his. They are mine! He didn't actually list a project or anything, but parts of my job description are in his fucking resume. I'm not really sure how to handle this. Any ideas?

As the Cube Turns

Work has gotten really interesting and a tad gross this week. You guys have heard me talk about the Peroxide Queen. She has a cube very close to mine. This is the same woman who went through the really nasty divorce and totally let her ex walk all over her. Well, she's at it again. She's met a new man and has been seeing him for three weeks. Apparently, they had unprotected sex. I do wonder who in the hell, especially at the age of 40, decides it's ok to have unprotected sex with some man you have known three weeks. I would have required some blood work, but that's just how I roll. Soooo, she gets a call from him today. He gives her a VERY detailed description of what his penis is lookin' like, and it doesn't sound pretty. It grossed me out so much that after I heard the words "hot and red on the head" and "scab" that I screamed for her to shut up. It gets even better people. After knowing this man for three weeks and getting the clap or whatever the hell he has given her, he's moving in with her. I shit you not! Stay tuned for more of As the Cube Turns...

Swinging in the Neighborhood

We have new neighbors, and they have brought a portable hot tub with them. Hot damn, you might say. You might even wonder how to get an invite. Well, Mr. Bitchford and I saw them yesterday. I swear to God the song Dreamweaver started playing, and I had a psychedelic vision. The couple looks a lot like Tom and Trina from that new show Swingtown. Yep. The moustache and all have moved right in. While I'm not up for sharing my man's tallywhacker with Trina, and I'm also not into having Tom's moustache tickle me in my tootlebug (I stole that from a friend), I would so watch from the comfort of my bedroom window. So, now we have Taye Diggs, Patrick Duffy, Ice Man, and Tom/Trina. My neighborhood is fucking famous!

Good Ole Pansy-Boys

I just got back from a city council pre-meeting (which is evidently like a meeting before the meeting next week).

I won't bore you with the details of what the meeting was about because that's not really my point.

Side note: I am also ALWAYS the youngest person at city council meetings. Apparently, only old, fat, white men (and a few of their stuck-up, never-worked-a-day-in-my-life society wives) give a shit what happens in this town.

With that preface, allow me to get to my point, which is two-fold:

1) I do not like nor do I trust men who cannot give me a firm handshake. Give me that wet noodle, and you're already on my suspect/black list. Man up. Reach deep down to the balls God gave you and put a little man into it for crying out loud.

2) Old, fat, white men think they rule the fucking world. They think their opinions are the only ones that matter (except the ones they've instilled in their stuck-up, never-worked-a-day-in-my-life society wives, which are of course, the same opinions they have). And, naturally, they're right, and everyone else is an idiot.

Conclusion: When you're one of only three women in a room, and the other two are brainwashed by old, fat, white men who think they rule the world (but are really pansies who can't even shake a hand with the firmness of soggy bread), and you're the only person under the age of 50, IT SUCKS! Fucking good ole boys.

Too bad they never met me. After staying afterwards to discuss the full facts with the Director of the Planning and Transportation Division (who reminds me of Lindsey Graham but patiently answered all my questions and provided me with everything I asked) and collect some research from him, I am armed and ready to form my own damn opinion and fight for it and mobilize the forces if necessary.

Muhahaha...I am the worst nightmare of Southern Good Ole Boys (old, fat, white pansies!) everywhere!

Bathroom Drama...Again

Ok. There is a candy apple red camisole in the bathroom. It's just right there on the sink. It's all laid out like someone washed it and is waiting on it to dry. How the hell do you lose your shirt? Is there a mystery woman walking around with only a suit jacket on? Perhaps she's topless? Maybe there was a spot on the camisole, and she wanted to wash it out? This place is like the Twilight Zone sometimes.

The Driver on Crack

You guys know who I'm talking about. You know the person who hits her brakes when she sees a green light? How 'bout the person who hits the gas when she sees brake lights? What about the person who stops in two lanes of traffic because she can't see where to turn in, and she declares, "They will see me and stop." THIS...is my mother. OMG! She's driving us home from the beach and honestly I don't know if we will make it. I think we have a 50/50 shot of not ramming into someone or something. I attempted to talk to her about it this morning. It started like this, "Mom, you can't drive. You scare the shit out of me." She replies, "Shut the hell up. No one is gettin' my keys. Period." I reply, "Well, I will have to take an anxiety pill to ride with you. If this launches me into a life of drugs, then you are to blame." She replies, "That's your problem. I'm driving!" Oh shit.