The Bitches Wish Everyone a Happy New Year!

Jesus Camp

I couldn't sleep last night, and I was channel surfing. I came across a documentary called Jesus Camp. It featured this family who ran, what they called, a religious camp for children. These children were mostly between 6 - 10 years old. It was scary. The show was about two hours long, and not once did I really hear anyone speak of anything religious. The camp owners would work the children up into an emotional frenzy and have them chant things like "Jesus will save me. Jesus created me." There were no real religious lessons (that I could see). The camp owners had bought a shit ton of coffee mugs and had written "government" on them. They then told the kids that the government was evil and must be stopped. The kids had hammers and would come up and smash the "evil government" that had taken religion out of their schools and hearts. Bizarre. The worst part was when they brought in a man who represented an organization called "Life." He handed out plastic babies and scared the kids about how some women would have killed them. Of course the children didn't really understand, and they were crying and upset. The worst part was when they featured ole' Ted Haggard. He said that the children were the most important part of the Evangelical movement because they could mold them. He then stated that the Evangelicals would take over the government and vote like good Evangelicals. Then he smiles and chuckles, leaving the audience with this..."This is a good life." This is just fucking scary. These people never really said anything about religion, community service, the betterment of mankind, etc. This election year is huge because our communities (especially places like Eastwick) could really take a scary turn for the worst.

Vagina Slang

I know you have heard Oprah call her vagina a "va-jay-jay." With all of the funny names out there, why would she choose this one? My friends and I have come up with a small list. Please add to it.

1. A cock holster
2. Roast beef curtains
3. Monkey
4. Axe wound
5. Vertical smile
6. Nappy dugout
7. Flesh taco
8. Bearded clam
9. Velvet folds
10.Tufted taco

Ahhh...Eastwickeans

A man was arrested two days before Christmas for pissing on $600 worth of toys at the local Toys R Us. He claimed to have a medical condition and couldn't find a bathroom. Perhaps his condition is that he is a fucking dullard, a dolt, a stupe, a poor fish. This list could go on. I hate this place.

Happy Holidays...or not

Verbatim from the Eastwick News in the "Letters to the Editor" section (always a fun read):

"Hey all you people out there, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May God bless you all, and I don't care who doesn't like it. I refuse to say Happy Holidays."

Says Sukie, "Ummm...Ok, thanks for sharing that little temper tantrum...what are you, like, 8? And have you been hanging out at Big New Church watching baby Jesus descend from the ceiling in the midst of rock music and $25,000 worth of lights?"

Another one:

"Why is it that if you tell somebody something good, it never goes anywhere else, but when you say something bad, it goes all over town? And also watch out in parking lots when you are shopping. People come across the lots and speed all the time, I was almost hit just the other day. And please hold on to your purse."

Says Sukie, "Do you have ADD??? What does one thing in this note have to do with another? Any other random gripes?"

And one more:

"I disagree with this newspaper's position on a mandated smoking ban. Eighty percent of us no longer smoke. It seems like the tail is wagging the dog."

Says Sukie, "Can a tail wag a dog? Just wondering...is that something your pa used to say? Thought so."

Wait...just one more:

"I am an Eastwick University graduate. The media is using this death like a dog with a bone and they need to educate about alcohol poisoning and quitting alcohol. Use this opportunity."

Says Sukie, "Thanks for the vague pronoun reference--now I know why that used to piss my English teacher off. What death (yes, I know he means that legislator's grandson, but only 'cause I blogged it...)??? Also, thanks for the flavorful simile...I think my English teacher would have marked that 'cliche,' but what do I know? On a personal note, if I quit alcohol, I might blow up this town. Use that opportunity."

And to all a good night...

Pregnant Jamie Lynn Speaks Out

Oh my!

In the Words of my 4 Year Old Nephew...

Merry Pissmas and Happy Poop Year! ;)

Look Who's Back for More...

Bret Michaels..and his diabeetus! That's right folks, it's Rock of Love II...and Bret is back to try to find love once more. Life is good, no?

Rock 'n' Roll and Politics Don't Mix

I was reading a magazine the other day, and I saw where Ted Nugent had endorsed Mike Huckabee. What is wrong with this picture? Old Ted is known for a song called Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. If it's not godly and conservative to make shit tons of cash off of that song and bang an underage girl while doing so, then I don't know what is. I guess Ted thinks the Democrats will take his guns away. Dumb ass. I also read that Huckabee continues to tell his story of pardoning Keith Richards for a reckless driving incident. Dude, he's not from here. He can't vote for you. Move on. Now, Ric Flair has thrown a little cash at Huckabee. Woo! Now that seems like a man with conservative, godly morals too. I get that people have different beliefs, but why do THESE people seem so hypocritical. If Ted and Ric aren't careful, they will find themselves in the same position as James Hetfield from Metallic. He's big buds with the Bushes, and his ass got detained at the airport for having a "Bin Laden" beard. Suckas!

quote of the year

Remember this?
Well, "Don't tase me bro" has officially been named the quote of the year for 2007.
I'm not sure what this says about our society...

Second on the list?
Little Ms. Southern Beauty Queen's "such as" snafu...the funniest part of which I still think is "U.S. Americans."

Why Does Baby Jesus Have Jazz Hands?

Free Comments & Graphics


There are several things disturbing about this photo. I will make a list.

1. Doesn't Mary look like Paris Hilton? Hmmm.
2. When did she have time for those super fucking realistic highlights?
3. Why is the bunny humping the lamb?
4. Were there bunnies in the manger?
5. Do bunnies pray?
6.Doesn't Joseph look a bit like Mr. Edwards from Little House on the Prairie?
7. Why in the fuck does baby Jesus have jazz hands?

Bitch, please...

I talked to one of my sisters today, and she told me that someone broke into my brother-in-law's car and stole his shit! They live in a cool historical neighborhood, and there is rarely any trouble there. Well, except for a few months ago when a drunken and drugged driver ran into the back of their house. That's another story. Also, their garage is right at the house. Shit! It's attached to the house! My brother-in-law, being the crafty person he is, cruised all of the pawn shops in search of his shit. He hit gold today. He asked the lady if she had any new merchandise coming up. She told him yes, and he asked to see it. She straight up brought his stolen shit out! He told her it was his and to call the police. Here's the kicker...she got pissed at him! The police came, and my brother-in-law has agreed to testify in court against the low-life son of a bitch thief. I imagine Mr. Low-Life Son of a Bitch being a little cocky asshole who thinks someone would be scared of him. I would like to show him a little Eastwickean baseball bat justice. Fucker.

Dell Computers

I hope Dell rots in the stinking depths of hell. I tried to buy a laptop tonight, and Dell did not want to sell me one. First, I couldn't get the online order to go through. Second, it MADE me purchase a webcam. Third, I couldn't get anyone who spoke English to answer the god damn motherfucking customer service line. And fourth, it all comes back around to me wishing that Dell would rot in the stinking depths of hell. Oh, and Dell, if you are out there and have some savy team of computer geeks who finds sites that mention your skanky ass name... I hope you find this motherfuckers! The end.

Office Party

I had to attend one of my two office parties on Friday night. I work with two different divisions, so I get two invites. This is my "alcoholic" division, so I knew I was in for a wild time. Little did I know how wild it would get. The evening started out with everyone sitting on a couch and staring at each other. Then our host brought out some appetizers, so that got people up and moving. Next, the alcohol started flowing freely. There is this one guy I work with who is ALWAYS wanting to be the life of the party. I'll call him The Doctor. He applied to med school just like his daddy, but he couldn't get in. Soooo...now he works for my company. The Doctor arrives with his cooler on wheels. I'm dead serious. He has a party cooler on wheels. He is already pretty ripped, and he is bitching about not finding a woman to bring with him. Mr. Bitchford and I wander off to find some more food and see who else has arrived. After awhile, our host announces that we will begin our Chinese Christmas gift game. This is that silly game where each person brings a $10 gift, and everyone picks a number...blah, blah, blah. The game is incredibly long and boring, but The Doctor is not going to have this. He unwraps his gift, and it is a really nice gourmet cookie mix. He stands on his chair, waves around the cookie mix and yells, "Why would anyone spend $10 on god damn cookie mix?" The game continues, and it is starting to wear on my nerves because I can only take so much interaction with these people. The Doctor stands on his chair again and announces that he has a joke. "What kind of Kotex does a fat girl wear? A rope and some Bounty paper towels." What is he? 12? The game ends, and there are some people on the porch smoking cigars. Mr. Bitchford and I decide to hit the road, so we go out there to tell everyone goodbye. The Doctor is puffing on his cigar and sipping his screwdriver. He sees that we are leaving, and he seems to think that dry humping me goodbye is in order. I'm grateful that my fucking office parties are over! Bah Humbug!

Update on State Legislator's Grandson

Sukie posted about this story a few days ago. The 18 year old died of alcohol poisoning. The media is now reporting the condition of the frat house he was found in. None of the details are shocking to me because I did go to college. What's shocking is that some in the community are in an uproar about the reporting. Some feel that this is "dragging the story out" and that it is "disrespectful to the family." I don't really get that from the reporting. I feel like it could be a wake-up call to sororities, fraternities, and all college students. They are not invincible. They should not leave a passed out friend alone. Those are the lessons that I can see from this sad story. It seems like Sukie's initial reaction was right on.

Headline Ranting

Come on, this is just wrong: “A local mother who home-schools her children is the new chairwoman-elect of the board that oversees Stupid State’s public schools.”

Y’all: she won’t even put her own children into the public school system, and now she will be a leader—the leader of the State Board of Education!! I can NOT be alone here: this is not OK.

Now, I know someone is going to argue that she keeps her kids out of public schools because they’re so bad, and she wants to make a change, blah, blah, blah. But, come on, she not only knows nothing about public education and how it works, but she also has no vested interest in public education. After all, she home-schools her own children!

On top of that, she founded a group called Stupid State Parents in Education, which supports abstinence education, taxpayer dollars spent on private schools, and the teaching of intelligent design. I would also like to point out that the woman has a degree, not in education, but in engineering. I have always said that those who serve on the board of ed. should be people with experience in education—public education. This only makes sense. People with no educational expertise should not be making decisions about education. Period.

Bathroom Drama

It happened again. I had more bathroom drama at work today. Again, our stalls are tiny, so please keep this in mind. I was in my stall, and I had on my super nice black dress boots. A woman entered the stall to my left, and she proceeded to get situated. All of a sudden there was a giant cloud of baby powder coming my way. Then... it happened. The baby powder wafted over and settled on the toe of my boot. Yes! The baby powder that had been packed up tight in this woman's vagina ALL DAY LONG landed on my dress boot. While I can appreciate the fact that she was trying to combat the "cod fish panty" odor, I did not appreciate her skank ass coochie powder on my boot. I sort of let out a short scream/gasp/snort. I was disgusted. Then I started shaking my boot around and saying things like "ewww" and "gross." I finally got up and found a paper towel to clean my precious boot with. The woman stayed in her stall. I had to go to the bathroom later in the day, and I could see the trail of baby powder coming out from under her stall. Someone had tracked it out of the stall and into the hand washing area. Gross!

BC: Nothing!

Do you think Barbara Walters had any idea how truly moronic Sherry Shepherd is before she put her on TV?

This, notably, is the prevailing belief of most Eastwickeans as well: nothing predates Jesus! Nothing!

Just a thought...

If the 18 y/o grandson of a former state legislator drinks himself to death in a
fraternity house, and no one talks about the cause of death, does that mean
he died of natural causes???

That Time of Year

Well, it's that time of year when everyone in the office exchanges gifts. Let me fix that statement. It's that time of year when all of the women in the office exchange gifts. The men could give a shit. So, I have a secretary and an office assistant. I share my secretary with my supervisor, and she rocks. She's one of those people who will totally tell someone that I'm on an important conference call when she knows I've put my head down on the desk for a ten minute nap. She's very tight lipped about my professional and personal business. I love her! I share my office assistant with about 10 other people on my floor. She sucks. She never gets anything right, and she constantly lies. She will tell her immediate supervisor that I've said it's ok for her to take off, but I haven't! This always leaves me high and dry when I need her to do something. Here's the problem. I want to keep harmony in the office, but I really want to reward my secretary for being so kick ass. I don't want to get the office assistant anything, but I also don't want a cat fight on my hands. How do I handle this???

A Blogger Friend Needs Help!

Our friend, Jessie, needs your help. Her hubby had a bad bike accident yesterday and will be out of work for awhile. Jessie has a ton of cool shit on her blog. Go check it out! Make sure you click the fuck out of her ads! http://davidsdoll101.blogspot.com/
Also, she wrote a cool book about good food for your kids. Buy a copy for someone as a Christmas gift! Buy two! AND, she knits super cool stuff that keeps you really warm. Order something!

A Lesson In Diversity?

A friend of mine just called me from the grocery store. She had stopped at a new store on her way home from work. The new grocery store is in a predominately black neighborhood. She hadn't really thought about this until she got in the store. She was checking out and noticed a difference in the "impulse" items. In the grocery stores I've been in, the "impulse" aisle consists of People magazine and Altoids. My friend said the "impulse" aisle was lined with hairbrushes and home pregnancy tests. Interesting and odd. Don't you think?

I'm a Scrooge

Just a Girl recently posted a beautiful story about how she helped a man down on his luck. Me? I'm posting a story about how I threatened to assault a homeless man. Here's what happened. I was shopping for a few things at the store, and I was so excited because they had my fancy mineral water I like. I've had a hard few weeks, so I rewarded myself with a few of the little, fancy glass bottles. I'm leaving the store, and I'm loaded down with groceries. A man is immediately in my face asking me for some money. I told him I didn't have any cash, which was the truth. As I would walk, he would get in front of me and block my path. I freaked out. I yelled at him, and I told him that if he blocked my path again that I would rack him in the balls with my fancy water in a glass bottle. He stepped away. It's official. I'm going to hell.

Those Krazy Kardashians

Sukie was hooked on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I went over to her house tonight for pizza and the finale show. We are both so old that we fell asleep before it came on last night...at 10:30 p.m. So Kim, who we thought was the ONLY naked Kardashian, isn't alone. It appears that her sister, Kourtney, has posed naked for photos before. Kim, being the brain of the family, misplaced Kourtney's naked photos, and they disappeared. Someone "found" the naked photos, and he was trying to sell them. Well...ummm...no shit, girls. The FBI became involved (Kourtney was only 17 when the photos were taken), and her family was very upset. Her boyfriend comes over, and he only has one thing to say. "So, are you mad because the photos were taken before you had your boob job?" Yep. That's all he had to say. Sukie and I kept wondering why celebrities are shocked when their naked photos and/or videos are leaked. Come on, people! Keep your fucking clothes on. Oh, and one more thing. I don't care if you are a man or a woman. Wouldn't you want to see this ass in all its glory?

Perez Hilton...I Don't Get It

I saw where Perez Hilton will have a VH-1 special called "What Perez Says." Did I miss something? Who gives a fuck what Perez says? Are there really people who do? If so, I would like to know why. Our friend, Jessie, has recently given up her T.V. I'm thinking of doing the same. I bet I'll be smarter. I'm not really into getting any advice/news/gossip/etc from someone who goes out of the house looking like this. Dumb ass.

Ah, Sukie, now...Part Deux

So…for Jessie’s benefit, here’s an elaboration (at least I hope I explain this in a way that makes some sense):

Our office, in an attempt to appear less bigoted (which is kind of a joke anyway, but whatever…), formed a committee designed to train the staff about issues related to diversity. The goal was to educate our fellow co-workers about different types of people and to promote tolerance at work. Well, in an attempt to reach this goal in our extremely conservative, Southern work environment, we (the committee) addressed all sorts of people and issues. I’m talking we did discussions and seminars on different races, religions, ethnicities, etc.

Wonderful, right? Sure. Until...(dum, da, dum, dum) the committee attempted to discuss the issue of homophobia. Note: We were very careful. Our information was strictly informative in nature: this is what homophobia is. We did not push any “agenda” on anyone. We did not attempt to persuade anyone that homosexuality is good, ok, or preferable (not that we happen to think it’s bad, but we know our audience well enough to stick to what we think we can actually accomplish. We know we are not going to convince these people that homosexuality is not a mortal sin, but we just want to try to get them not to hate people/discriminate against them based on sexual preference).

Anyway…so, the president of the company vetoed our session on homophobia…in part based on a PowerPoint presentation in which we defined the terms “heterosexism” and “homophobia.” Well, the committee reconvened to discuss the veto, and little Miss Frizzy Head looks at the PowerPoint slide with part of the definition of “heterosexism” on it, and says, “Actually, I, too, am offended by the fact that you think it’s wrong I assume that everyone is heterosexual. I mean, it's my assumption, you can't say it's wrong.”

And that is when I lost my cool. A) because that’s not what it said/ meant (never did anything we created say anything was "right" or "wrong" and B) because it is wrong.

And so I lunged across the table, and said, “That’s not what it says! That is not even the issue up for discussion.” (Because--remember--I cannot control myself anymore, apparently--i never intended to lunge or shout; it just happened)

And then she attempted to respond with some nonsense, and I didn’t even let her get it all out before shouting again, “It’s not OK. It’s not OK for you to assume I am a heterosexual. You don’t know me! You don’t know who or what I am! Maybe I have a girlfriend! Maybe I have a wife! By definition, if you assume I am a heterosexual, you are heterosexist. That’s the definition!”

And then, she said, “But it’s wrong…”

And then, according to Alex, I pushed an imaginary piece of paper across the table and sat back, and said “And that’s the problem with this place” and crossed my arms (According to Alex I do this in meetings all the time now...and thanks to her, I have just now realized that I have this habit of giving people imaginary pieces of secret paper).

I don’t know how to get my cool back…I at least used to be able to hold my tongue 'til later...but lately I just shout out whatever is in my head--like Tourette's, only not.

Yesterday, I couldn't stop myself either--in a different meeting, with a different committee, the committee leader kept insisting that Ms. Flaky was on our committee, and I was all, "She's not. She hasn't been to a meeting in forever." To which she responded, "She came to one." Could I stop there? No. So then, I say, "Yeah, once in two years. Great." Seriously. I can't shut myself up. Not even a little. And now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I pushed that imaginary piece of paper across the table then, too.

What am I going to do?

Ah, Sukie, now...

Y'all: I am losing my mind...and my job may go with it.

I've always been...well, bitchy...but people kept saying I'd grow out of it.

I swear, it ain't got nothing to do with being young and hot-tempered because I am getting worse. I used to at least be able to hold my tongue. But my tongue is just on the loose these days. I can't even shut myself up sometimes.

Today, in a meeting, I lunged across the table at a woman...yes, lunged...literally...as in my whole body moved, and Mr. Vomit got all tense and someone else had to leave the room.

Wanna know what Alexandra did? Bitch laughed at me...quietly on the inside while cutting her eyes at me...egging me on.

When I lose my job and can't pay the mortgage, I'm moving in with her. Good thing she likes me.

Unbelievable...but a Relief

You guys know that Sukie and I hate it here in Eastwick. Here is another reason why we hate it. It turns out that the media screwed up, and Mr. Bitchford's friend's mom was the third person shot at the home, and she is ALIVE! Can you believe the local media dropped the ball on this? They actually showed a photo of Mr. Bitchford's friend when she was young, and she was standing with her mother. They got the wrong photo! I'm very grateful that she survived. We've decided to just give her some space and send a nice card. I want her to know that we are thinking of her, but I don't want to be intrusive.

Update

I didn't feel like typing much last night, so I thought I would give you an update. Mr. Bitchford works with this woman, and he was coming in from lunch yesterday when she was in the parking lot with another employee. She was on her cell phone. Her mother had been shot, and her mom called her first. It turns out that the woman's grandparents were going through a nasty divorce, and the mother was at the house. The mother's own father killed both of his adult daughters, and then he turned the gun on himself. I don't know if Mr. Bitchford's friend was on the phone when her mother passed or not. The woman didn't have any family she was close to except for her mother and her aunt. I'm actually at a loss for words or actions. I feel like I should do something for her, but I don't know what. If anyone has some good advice or suggestions, please comment. Please keep this woman in your thoughts and/or prayers.

Sad Days

A friend of Mr. Bitchford's lost her mother in a shooting this afternoon. Make sure you tell someone how much he/she means to you tonight. More later...

I'm Addicted to The Hills

Yes, I can admit it. I'm addicted to The Hills. I stay up past my bedtime every Monday, and I wait to see if Heidi will finally pull Lauren's hair weave out. This week featured Heidi's no top lip, scummy boyfriend's sister. She saw Lauren in a bar, and I just knew she was going to throw down, BUT...nope. Damn! Don't even get me started with the spineless Audrina. Girlfriend saw her boyfriend kissing someone else in a bar...right in front of her! Where Sukie and I are from, if you see something like this, bitch will have her hair wrapped around your hand and have her face planted firmly in some gravel. Spineless Audrina decides to leave in the same car with the Jordan Catalano wanna-be (remember him?). She breaks up with him later, but that doesn't really count anymore. To add to my shame, the show ended with a little ditty by Frente. It took me back to my younger days. I then realized that every teeny bopper in town will now be rocking to my blast from the past. The dumbasses won't even realize that it's not new! Why do I watch this again? Is there anyone else out there addicted to The Hills? Please say yes and free me from my shame.

A Vulgar Thanksgiving

First, I must say that I had a great Thanksgiving. We got together with some of our honorary bitches and had a great feast. My parents joined us this year, and they were a hoot. They keep surprising me the older they get. My mother never drinks, and she had had two small glasses of wine before dinner. She all of a sudden bursts out with this statement. "I didn't know what a cunt was until I was married!" She then giggles, and then my dad just starts cracking up. Through the years, I've learned that my parents will occasionally blurt shit like this out, so I wasn't too embarrassed. My dad decides to give one of our hosts a bit of advice. I forget what the subject was, but this was his response. "Do you know what you do if someone throws a bucket of shit on you? You throw a bucket of shit right back at them." OMG! The evening ended with my dad telling bad jokes and watching football. My mother migrated to our hosts' couch and tried to take a nap. Oh yeah, and everyone was farting the place up. All in all, this was a great beginning to my holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Bitches!

This piece is titled "Cranberry Stuff." Enjoy!

Hot Tails--ooh, ooh!

So...Alex and I were out shopping the other day...when we were almost mowed down in a parking lot by this SUV.

Yes, that does say "HOTTAILS Tanning."

Come on, laugh with me--you know you want to...

The Best Present..Ever!

You know how every year there is one present that you can't wait for the recipient to open? Well, this year that prize is going to our friends' son who is 18 months old. My girlfriend runs her own business from home, and she has been trying to look for some sort of a desk for her son to sit at. Mind you, I don't think kids sit at tables and desks this early, but I could be so wrong because I don't have one. Anyway, Mr. Bitchford was walking the dogs the other day, and I got a frantic phone call. "Quick! Bring the truck down to old lady Esther's house! Her kids have cleaned out her storage barn, and there is the coolest, tiniest, old school desk. I want it!" I jump in the truck dressed in hot pink sweat pants with "Pink" written across my ass and my purple bedroom shoes. I was a sight. I tear around the corner, and I find Mr. Bitchford and my two bitches pacing back and forth. He seriously looked like he may slay the person who tried to cross the threshold of old lady Esther's driveway. We get the tiny desk loaded up, and I get it home. We've decided that the paint is chipping some, so we are going to give it a new paint job. Our friends have a kick ass Cadillac that is black with flames on it. We've decided to make the little desk match the Caddy. I'm going to stencil the kid's name on the back of the desk. This way they can't sell it in a yard sale if they totally hate it. Ha ha! Actually, I think my friend will flip out and love it. This will be the BEST Christmas present ever. I love it when that happens. Has anyone else found THE gift?

When the Fuck Did I Get Older?

I've noticed subtle changes in myself over the past year. Mentally, it has been great. I tend to calm down to handle situations rather than immediately starting my tried and true head bobbin' "oh no you didn't" finger pointing technique of my early 20's. Don't get me wrong. I still get pissed. I might call Sukie up and have a good bitch session, and then I'll calm my ass down and fix my situation. Physically, the changes have been not so great. First of all, why the hell do your hips have to expand with age? Come on! Why can't your boobs just get bigger and perkier? Mr. Bitchford caught me in the mirror Friday morning with nothing on and my arms over my head. After he smiled (at least he still enjoys the view), he asked what I was doing. I told him that if I lift my arms above my head that my breasts look like those of a 25 year old. If I lower my arms, well...you see where I'm going with this. So, my knees creak a little more when I'm going up steps, and I'm starting to see faint lines around my eyes, but at least I still have my brain! Who am I kidding? This sucks!

Beliefs

I've been struggling with several major issues in the past few weeks. All of these are social issues and some overlap with work and our customers. Sukie and I live and work in an extremely socially conservative area. It's so extreme that the Eastwickean county and city councils have tried to run off certain businesses that they feel do not fit the town's conservative beliefs. I always feel like running away when these issues rear their ugly heads. I also think about what will happen if everyone like me runs away. Will conservative groups take over, come together, and seep even more hate out into other parts of our country? My other question is when should (if at all) your belief system take a back seat to your employer's mission? What if by staying silent you are supporting the discrimination of certain groups at your work place? Just some random thoughts for the day.

The list of annoyances continues...

32. When people write really LONG e-mails filled with completely irrelevant information and finish them up by saying, "Sorry for the long e-mail, but..."

Thanks for the apology, buddy. It totally makes up for the fact that I just wasted 10 minutes reading a bunch of drivel that has nothing to do with the point of your e-mail, which could have been summed up in two sentences.

Fred Thompson, Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?

I hope many of you have been watching all of the debates. The pubbie debates bore me and piss me off, but I feel like I need the information. Anyway, I was watching Oprah yesterday, and Fred Thompson's campaign commercial came on. He actually said, "And remember that your rights in this country come from God." What the fuck, Fred Thompson? I need an explanation. Wait! I won't get one. You know why? He was recently around the Eastwick area for a campaign stop, and a lot of people actually came out to see him. He gave his little speech, and everyone clapped politely. Then...he left! He left, and he refused to answer any questions. So, since Fred Thompson is unwilling or unable to explain his campaign slogans or his platform, then he can suck a big Democratic donkey dick.

Big New Church Expose

I received more info this morning about the Big New Church. Recently, one lone soul wrote an editorial in the Eastwick paper, and she has been raked over the coals...majorly. Her job and her family have suffered. Yes, people, her job and her family! Can you believe that? Anyway, she has been receiving emails with stories from people who have been turned away from the Big New Church. One story is as follows:

"Recently a friend shared a rather disturbing story about a visit to Big New Church. A man and his autistic 11 year old son were physically barred from entry to the Big New Church main sanctuary by a burly usher, who informed them that this was an "adults only" place.....Clandestine? certainly!"

Wow! There are others too. This one was sent by someone who had done a little research on Jim Jones' worldly possessions.

"Also the seemingly constant money raising campaigns seem cult-like.........Would Jesus wear a Rolex? or give himself a raise from his "Church Salary"? So he can live in a half a million dollar house ? with several earth destroying SUVs ?"

This email came complete with the tax notices for Jim's cars and home. Again, wow! I feel like Sukie and should take this story somewhere besides our blog, but I just can't wrap my mind around what we should do. There are more people in Eastwick who are VERY upset by the Big New Church, but it's hard to make them use their voice. Everyone in town sees what happened to this woman, so why would they take a chance? Any thoughts?

The Swear Jar is Back

I hate fucking bigots who are scared of progress and information. All of the motherfucking bigots of Eastwick can go straight to hell!

Big New Church Part 3...I think

I saw this Post Secret today, and it made me mad and a little sad. Why do people put so much faith and trust in one person who claims to have the ear of God? It's odd to me that so many people believe that God has spoken to the "chosen" few and that they must get their info through this person only. Oh, and they must pay them in order to get the holy information. This makes no sense to me at all. Do some people just need to belong to something? I come from a long line of non-believers. My great grandfather was such a non-believer that some locals refused to buy his lumber. You know what I love about this little tid bit? He could have given a shit! :) He's also the same one who would tell my dad that he shouldn't go to church because they make you leave your brain on the doorstep. Sadly, I never knew him, but I love hearing stories like this about him. I hope whoever sent that secret in is getting some help. At least this person knows not to believe all of the hype. I think Sukie and I should buy our own nice piece of land in the hills and build a church. Tax free land, baby! Hopefully we will be visiting The Big New Church this weekend. We'll keep you posted.

Something else...

that gets on my nerves:

31. Wedding ceremonies in which the officiant tells the story of woman's creation from the rib of Adam, illustrating woman's purpose in this world: to be a helpmate to man. This is generally followed up with the vows in which the woman must promise to submit to her new husband.

What a crock. Yes, Jack and I attended such a wedding ceremony this weekend. And yes, I almost choked on my laughter when the preacher declared that each must be willing to give up his/her independence and individuality to the other to become one new body in Christ. Afterwards, I looked at Jack and said, "No way in hell." He agreed. This is why he is not one of the things that gets on my nerves. (I guess that's #1 for that particular list).

Down with Wal-Mart!

Another thing that makes me mad...

30. Wal-Mart. I don't shop at Wal-Mart....mostly because in Eastwick people tailgate in the parking lot, and it freaks me out.

But today, I watched that documentary about the cost of Wal-Mart, and now I hate Wal-Mart even more. Evidently, I have to help pay for Wal-Mart's employees' health care...amongst other things. This does not make me happy.

In general, I prefer small, family-owned stores to giant conglomerates anyway, and I've always seen Wal-Mart as kind of evil, but now I have actual facts and figures to back up my stance.

They really are evil--right down to their union-breaking tactics to keep their workers underpaid and overworked. Wal-Mart might be the worst thing about America.

Forums

I need some advice from my fellow bitches. There are several forums that I waste my time in on a daily basis. I usually just talk to a few people or comment on the less controversial subjects. Once in awhile I'll want to have a little fun and get under someone's skin. I REALLY got under this one Eastwickean's skin, and he got mad and called me an itchy cunt. Hehe! It doesn't make me mad or upset, but I still need some advice. Do you respond with something wonderful and witty or do you leave it alone? My decision was to leave it alone because it didn't really bother me. For those of you who frequent forums, what is your opinion?

One more thing...

that gets on my nerves...

29. 1 in 4 homeless people in this country is a military veteran. In contrast, they only make up about 11% of the general population. Think about that for a minute--let it sink in. Amazing, isn't it, how supporting the troops is only cool so long as they're at war? What about when they come home? Does the yellow ribbon on the back of an SUV help them then? Is it a little hypocritical that people claim I don't "support my troops" because I'm a Dem, but those same people support ending public assistance programs that could help the homeless--25% of whom are former American military members??

A Bitch Done Changed Her Mind

I just caught a snippet of Duane "Dog" Chapman on Fox News. Dumb ass! Complete and total blubbering, stupid, greedy dumb ass. Here are a few things he said. "If I could kill myself and be forgiven, then I would." Really? What the fuck ever. I don't believe that. Here's another. "I thought I was cool enough in the black community to be able to use that word brother to brother." Ummm...last time I checked this guy was not black. Hmmm. I will still miss his lovely wife Beth teetering around on her stripper heels.

8 things...

I'm doing a theme...you know for NaBloPoMo and stuff. It has nothing to do with fact that I'm totally PMS-ing--nothing at all! ;-)

More things that make me want to scream...

21. Websites where every link opens in a new window.

22. My cable company. They switched my account number for some inexplicable reason in September...without notifying me. Then, they turned off my services for nonpayment because the money went to the old account number. Then, they couldn't figure out how to transfer the money from the old account, which was closed btw, to the new account. Then, they shut my services off again. Then, my bill magically went up by $15 for no good reason. Oh, but wait, she tells me...this is your new bill--since you transferred your account, so November is different. What? I didn't just magically transfer my account. I moved...in JUNE, so in June, I transferred my account to a new address, but I did NOTHING in October. She tells me I transferred the account on Oct. 9th. To what did I transfer it??? A more expensive account??? Seriously. What the hell?

23. Poor Leadership. Some people just aren't meant to be leaders. But people keep putting them into leadership roles--with no training! Why, oh why, do they do this???

24. People who are amazed by the least amount of initiative or the smallest display of intelligence. For example, this committee I'm on has had dwindling membership--mostly because of poor leadership. So the other day, I got fed up and said, "We need to recruit some new members." When that evidently did not spur our fearless leader to action, I e-mailed a bunch of people, asking them to join. When I was done, I e-mailed the committee to let them know I had gotten 3 new members. Leader's response: "Wow! How did you manage to do that?" By typing into the computer: "Would you join this committee with me?" Geez--how hard is it? Why don't I just take your job, huh?

25. Cable Company Appointment times. Whenever they have to come out to do some work (which happens ALL the time now), they ask, "Will you be home between 8 and 12 on Wednesday morning?" And every time I want to say, "No. I work for a living. Who the hell is home from 8-12 on Wednesday morning?"

26. Women over ten who wear clothes embroidered with Disney cartoons. Have you met my friend Stacy London? You should. That's a definite fashion faux pas. (Thank you, Mrs. Flax, for reminding me just how annoying this really is)

27. Stupid ring tones.

28. People who write checks at the grocery store. It's the 21st century--join it. We use debit cards, now--same thing, only faster. Stop holding up the line!

WTF, lady?

A woman who works in another division of my company has lost her mind. She has been chair of a committee for a few years now. It seems that I have magically been added to said committee. WTF? I asked my supervisor if this was something I should be doing, and she said no. I emailed the woman back, and she acted like she didn't understand what I meant. How can you not understand the following...
Dear dumb-ass,
Get your head out of the clouds. I'm not on your unorganized committee!
Peace out,
Alexandra

I'm still on the list! We'll see how long this lasts.

10 More Things...

that get on my nerves...

11. When people hear a word they like and latch on to it for about a month, using it every chance they get. For example, Mr. V. won't stop talking about the impetus for things. Every other sentence contains the word impetus. It is very annoying--I'm not even sure he knows what it means. Last month his favorite word was folk, as in "These folk have taught us much about sales." Is that supposed to make him sound down home? He's from NY.

12. When people use words like diad. Who says, "You'll form several diads and one triad for this activity." Why wouldn't you just say, "Get into pairs and one group of three."? Sarsly. Who says diad?

13. When Daylight Savings Time ends...I am so tired. I hate this sh*t.

14. When people use far too many metaphors in a short period of time. Dude...just say what you mean--we'll all get it. I swear, we will.

15. When adults still try to "fit in" as if they're still in high school. Give it up already--you're never gonna be the "cool kid." Love yourself.

16. When people tell you to do things that make no sense and can't even clarify when asked what it is they want you to do. For example, workshop coordinator today: "List the theoretical realities of this project." What?? Theoretical realities??? That's a total oxymoron. So we asked for an explanation and an example...he couldn't give one. Super annoying.

17. When parents pretend the screaming child in the shopping cart isn't even there. I hear him; I know you hear him. Shut him up, or leave him at home if you don't know how.

18. When Tom Cruise talks on TV.

19. When the toilet paper in the employee bathroom won't roll out of the locked holder. There's no way to get it out! So you just have to walk up three flights of stairs to another bathroom.

20. When people put you on speakerphone without warning you first.

10 Random Things...

that get on my nerves...

1. People on cell phones (anywhere where I can see and/or hear them--anywhere).

2. People who ask, "When are you guys getting married?" (Never, bitch, leave me alone.).

3. People who say, "You'll change your mind/attitude/opinion when you get older" (No, I won't--if anything, I keep getting bitchier and crankier with each passing year. And I still don't want kids).

4. Door-to-door bible-thumpers (Yes, I do know Jesus--I met him last night after eating some strange mushrooms. He told me to order that new coat I want from VS).

5. Telemarketers, especially those who call during dinner time (I'm eating spaghetti, bitch, I do NOT want to buy whatever you're selling!).

6. Chain e-mails, especially those which threaten me with 7 years of bad luck (It can't get any worse--please stop sending them).

7. The poor guy on the bike at the gas station who begs for cigarette money (He makes me feel sad inside, and I don't want to give him any cash, but I do anyway).

8. People who refuse to use all capital letters in e-mail--or people who insist on using all caps in e-mail (Go back to kindergarten bitch! Remember what capital letters are for? Good. Use them. If not, well...Darwin had a theory...).

9. Drama Queens (I have enough going on, thank you).

10. People who stand too close to me in grocery stores, department stores, or at the bank. (If I can reach out and touch you but don't know you, you are too damn close. Move, or I seriously might hit you. Really, I probably will).

In Dog We Trust

I'm sure most of you have heard about this. Duane "Dog" Chapman, star of his own A&E show, was outed by his son as using the n-word (and just nasty language in general). A&E has yanked his show indefinitely. Dog is also known for being very spiritual and trying to do right by God and his family. The few times I've watched that show I have also noticed a framed and signed photo of George W., so we all know that means he has good morals. ;) I listened to the phone conversation between Dog and his son. First let me say, I don't feel what he said is right. Second, when you are a public figure, you are going to be held to a different set of standards. Period. You give up the right to say things in the privacy of your own home and regret them later. Don't get me wrong. You can do it, but the public will find out. I don't think A&E should have yanked his show. I feel like the public should have the right to choose whether or not it wants to watch anymore. If the majority is truly offended and upset by what he said, then the show will tank anyway. What if there is a situation going on between Dog and his son that we don't know about? It doesn't make it right to use such a term (in my opinion), but it could explain his lapse in judgement. Should the public forgive and move on?

P.S.

I have to give a shout out to his fabooblous wife, Beth. Go Beth with your giant-ass hair and clear stripper heels!

Big New Cult

I opened up the morning paper today and out slid the Faith & Values section. Yes, I said the Faith & Values section. The entire front page of this section is dedicated to the Big New Church (I hereby dub it Big New Church because it needs a name, and Jessie has already vetoed McAnything).

At the top it provides an explanation--some background as to why this is such an important story (all names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent and/or stupid):

"In last Sunday's paper, Next to Eastwick University Professor Smart Man criticized the billboard advertising campaign of Big New Church, and the article generated many comments, both pro and con, from readers. The Eastwick News offered Big New Church pastor Jim Jones an opportunity to respond to Mr. Smart Man's essay, but the offer was declined."

In light of Alexandra's research, which indicates Pastor Jones refuses to speak to anyone outside the congregation, this isn't surprising. We've learned he delegates all communication and ministry outside the actual rock concert that is his sermon to assistant pastors, secretaries, etc, letting members of his brain-washed flock speak for him. But this time, not even a lowly congregation member offered to go on record to defend the church's aggressive and controversial big money recruitment strategy. Not one.

I kind of wish Alex and I were heading over there this morning--I'm sure the sermon will be interesting. There's nothing like a little perceived persecution to help strengthen the brainwashing of a cult.

Another picture for fun...I call this Church of Rock with a Really Cool and Expensive Sports Car on the Big Expensive Stage--think that's Pastor Jones' car??

Little Boxes on the Hillside...

Here's a little more information to share about the church experiment. Below you will find the first email I sent and the response from the Follow-up Coordinator.


Me: "A friend of mine is a member of your congregation, and she recently suggested I check out your website or come for a visit. I was hoping to get in contact with Jim. I recently read a blog entry of his, and I would like to find out some more information. Thank you for any and all help."


Coordinator/Cult-leader assistant: "Thank you for your email. I would love to answer any questions that you have. With a larger church it is impossible for Jim to handle all of the email. We try to help him out with that. So let me know how we can help you!! God Bless and have a great day."


Ok. She was pretty nice. She spelled my name wrong in the email, and it is NOT a hard name. Whatever, though. I wasn't giving up. I had never heard of a church where you couldn't meet the pastor. So, being the sneaky bitch I am, I tried again.


Me: "Thanks for the fast response. If I attend a Sunday service, will it be possible to meet Jim? My friend had invited me to Easter service, and I was unable to come. I'm new to the area, and my husband and I have been looking for a church to join."


Coordinator/Cult-leader assistant: "I am sorry Jim is not going to be able to meet with you. He does not meet personally with anyone. If you would like more information, I can mail you an informational packet."


Maybe I'm just out of the religious circle, but is this normal? Shouldn't people be a little more friendly and open to others visiting their church? Yes, I lied. I'm not new to the area, and Mr. Bitchford and I are NOT looking for a church to join. We'll keep you guys updated. Our plan right now is to try and visit it in two or three weeks. Below you will find a picture of a service. And, yes, I know it looks like a rock concert. Amazing.

A New Kind of Wine-in-a-Box

While shopping in a store here in Eastwick yesterday, Alexandra and I came across something quite interesting: mini-boxed wine. It's like juice boxes--of wine.

On a business trip this summer, Mr. Vomit announced to all of us colleagues that he regularly drinks red wine from a straw--inserted straight into the bottle--at home--alone on his couch.

Alexandra and I contemplated purchasing the wine juice boxes as a congratulatory gift for him. We'd take it to his office with a post-it: Congrats!

We'd have done it, too. Except the joke (or Mr. Vomit) didn't seem worth the $7.99 it costs to purchase two mini-wine boxes.

NaBloPomo

Did you know November is National Blog Posting Month?

In the spirit of the month, you're supposed to try to post at least one entry a day for every day in November.

Between the two of us, I'm sure Alex and I can do it.

Let's see...

PS: Blog commenters, I turned off the comment moderation thing. It was an accident. You can stop calling to complain now.

The Sukie and Alex Experiment

We have several giant McChurches in Eastwick. I'll just get straight to the point. These places freak me out. I grew up in a Baptist church. It was fairly basic. You came to service on Sunday morning, you brought your covered dish for lunch, and then you ate lunch with all of your friends. The youth group would do some community service, and then we would go on our annual trip together. These new churches don't seem to operate like that. I've been doing a little research on our biggest one. I emailed the membership committee. YES, I said membership committee. You have to take a class, pass the test, and then review the membership contract before becoming a member. I'm not sure if it costs anything or not. I forgot to ask. This place also has TWO ATM machines in the lobby (which looks more like a civic center). Apparently the preacher/pastor does some crazy shit. He has been known to fly through the air in a harness and wear t-shirts that say things like, "God is watching you download that porn!" I dove a little deeper into my research and decided I needed to meet this man. I called, and I was told that NO ONE sees him. The robot lady offered to set up an appointment with one of the assistant pastors. I then asked why I could not see him. She told me that he didn't have time to speak to just everyone. I guess I'm not one of God's worthy children. Before anyone gets offended, remember that I am talking about this one church in particular. Yes, all of the McChurches make me weary, but I am only bashing the one I have some experience with. And, yes, I'm going to attend service to see for myself. So, this brings me back to our experiment. Sukie and I are going to church! We're even thinking of running down front, waving our arms, and begging to be saved. I've been told that this happens every Sunday. I'm curious about where they take you. I bet I'll have to hand over a credit card first. Hmmm. Expect an update within the next few weeks.

Sigh...

Mr. Vomit stole my idea...
and got a raise...
and a promotion...
and a shiny award from the big, big, BIG bossman.

I don't really want a raise, a promotion, or a shiny award.

But I really hate thieves.

That is all.

Questions

Who decided that giant inflatable yard decorations are cool?

Why did all my neighbors have to jump on the bandwagon?

Now that Halloween's past, should I expect the pumpkins to be be replaced by giant undulating turkey blow-ups?

Christmas will be even worse, won't it?

Happy Halloween from the Bitches!

Dear Pet Owners,

Do you think your pets enjoy this?

I am pretty sure they don't, which means you just do it for your own amusement.

Shame on you.

Love,

Sukie

It's Official!

Do you guys remember Loverboy? That's what I called the asshole who sexually harassed me at work. Anyway, our company dropped him as a client this past Friday. It was officially announced yesterday. Woo hoo! Score one for the ladies. :)

Dear New-Millenium Yuppies,

You have taken monogramming too far...

You make me want to crash into your SUVs.

Love,

Sukie

Dear Flip-Flop Fashionistas,

If you can not (a) pick up your fucking feet instead of dragging them across the pavement, (b) buy a new pair of flip-flops once your fave pair start to get dirty and crusty, or (c) understand that the flip-flop is a summer shoe and should not be worn when there is a chill in the air, then you revoke your fucking right to wear the shoe/sandal!

P.S.
Have you ever wondered if men who wear flip-flops have pee on their feet? It has to splatter, right?

10 Responses to "Why don't you have children?"

10. I really like shopping at Ann Taylor and wouldn't have the money if I had children.
9. Burst into tears. No response needed.
8. Oh, I have one. Mary? Mary? Oops, I must have lost her.
7. My ex-husband got them in the divorce.
6. The state took them away.
5. God didn't deem me fit to parent.
4. Why are you ugly?
3. I'm barren.
2. My husband is reproductively challenged.
1. Bitch! Why are you so rude?

To be fair, I don't really dislike children. I just don't want any right now. I might change my mind later, but I doubt it. I don't think ALL people with children are so rude. I think the ones who ask me are questioning why they themselves have kids. Know what I mean? The parents who seem happy with their choice don't ever ask this stupid, rude question.

Primary School Mother Jailed

http://www.goupstate.com/article/20071027/NEWS/710270315/1051/NEWS01

This little town is smaller than Eastwick, but it's the same idea. Do parents act like this all over the country? Any good stories?

The Potty Police

One of my pet peeves is pee on a seat. (hehe...alliteration! Sort of.) Anyway, I went into our communal restroom, and a woman was coming out of the only free stall. I stepped in, and the seat was covered in pee. It looked like she had actually positioned herself over the toilet while hoola hooping and peeing. What the fuck, lady? I then did something I've never had the nerve to do. I'm not sure if it's because it's Friday or because I'm wearing my snappy, new Betsy Johnson heels. Whatever the reason, I stepped back out of the stall, and I asked her why she had peed all over the seat. First, she stared at me like, "What did you just ask me?" My response to this look was, "Well?" She said, "There was pee on it before I went in there, and I didn't want to sit down." Ever hear of toilet paper? Every hear of a seat cover? Damn! I then asked, "So, should I have to clean up your piss because you didn't feel like cleaning the seat before you skanked it all up?" She then told me I was very rude and left. Again, what the fuck? How can I be rude when you pissed the seat all up? I think The Bitches should start a campaign. It will be called "Please be Neat and Clean the Seat, you Dirty Bitch!" If everyone would just sit her happy ass down on the seat, then there would be no pee. And, yes, I am aware that pee is sterile, but I still don't want to sit down in someone else's.

A Little Natalie Dee to End the Day

Racism?

Since this blog is already mired in controversy (thanks, Alexandra), I figure I'll just throw some more potentially contentious subject matter out there...

Please don't call me racist, but...are we getting a little sensitive about the noose?

I mean...I get it, but now we're pissed about Halloween decorations?? And it's not okay for the figure to hang, but it is OK for him to be stabbed?? I mean, really, we could probably make that an issue, too: it stereotypes black people as murder victims--likely to be stabbed in drug fights. Is it better if they'd made the man from white trash bags instead of black trash bags? Perhaps we ought to spray paint all the ghouls blue?

IDK...I see where people could be offended...especially since the noose seems to be making a comeback as a symbol of oppression lately (PS: what's that about anyway??)

On the other hand, lots of people were hung to death by nooses--not just African-Americans. It was a form of the death penalty for quite some time. I wouldn't be happy if someone hung a noose on my doorknob, and I'm white. In that case, it's clearly meant to be intimidating. But as a Halloween decoration? IDK.

What do you think? Truly offensive or we're too sensitive?

Drought in Eastwick

Eastwick is going through a VERY scary drought. Our lake has turned into a freakin' national forest. I was on my way home yesterday, and I noticed that a fire hydrant was spewing water everywhere. No one was around. There is no telling how long it had been spewing water. I call the water company.
Me: "Yes. Did you know that there is a fire hydrant spewing water on Crest Street?"
Water person: "Ummm...hold on...ummm...no?"
Me: "Well, there is. Can you please send someone out because I don't think anyone meant for the fire hydrant to be spewing water for no good reason."
Water person: "Ummm...yeah...wait...what do you want me to do about it?"
Me: "Considering that people's wells are drying up, and Georgia is in a freakin' state of emergency, maybe someone should turn the fire hydrant off."
Water person: "What?"
OMG! That damn thing spewed water for over an hour more. Finally, someone came and turned it off. Waste, waste, waste! Eastwick hasn't even asked its citizens to conserve water. WTF?

California Wildfires

First, let me say that I do think it is wonderful how volunteers have rushed to the aid of these people. I just watched CNN and saw that there was not only food and clothing available to evacuees, but acupuncture, yoga, AA meetings, and arts and crafts for children. There was even a booth called "FEMA Questions Answered Here". I think everyone knows what my next question is...why didn't the Katrina evacuees have this treatment? I've heard people say things like, "because the Katrina evacuees acted like animals." Others have said, "Simple. They are the forgotten." I'm actually surprised I haven't seen any news coverage of a comparison. It does seem to me that in the case of devastation like this, we should be able to provide ALL people with proper aid. My reaction to watching the sea of white faces receive its aid was tears. I can remember watching Katrina victims on television. I remember watching the animals stranded on rooftops all alone. I remember watching a mother hold her baby and scream because he wouldn't wake up. It's hard to remember that, and then watch an evacuee receive his fresh t-shirts while his child clutches her coloring book. I'm not saying that the wildfire victims should not receive aid like this, but where was it for the other victims? Any thoughts?

Feelin' Defeated

Why, Martha, Why?

Do you remember that movie Parenthood from 1989 with Steve Martin? I really like that movie. Yeah--still. But the teenage daughter who marries Keanu Reeves really drives me bananas. She looks weird--I can't help it. That actress was also in 1985's The Goonies (which I also love). In that one, she played Stef Steinbrenner, the smart-mouthed, weird-looking friend of preppy, popular cheerleader Andy.

I just got done watching an episode of L&O, and she was on there, playing a junkie. It took me the entire episode to remember that Parenthood was what I knew her from. And then I got annoyed. The Goonies was '85. Parenthood was 1989. Everyone had bad hair in the 80s (I had wings for heaven's sake). Bad 80s hair is forgivable. Bad through-the-decades hair is NOT forgivable.

This L&O was 2002, and that girl was still sporting those way-not-cool, too-short bangs she had before she shaved her head in Parenthood. Why won't she grow normal bangs? I mean, if you're gonna have bangs, at least have good bangs, not bangs that look like your hairdresser hates you.

Kid Rock in Waffle House Brawl

I'm sure you've heard about Kid Rock and his Waffle House fight. It was over a girl. Do rock stars ever grow up? Maybe it's just the "Pammy" curse. Think about it. Tommy Lee was married to Pam Anderson. Kid Rock was married to Pam Anderson. Neither rock star will grow the fuck up. Both of them continue to act like 5th grade boys. What the fuck gives? And, for the record, this is what most of the boys/men look like in Eastwick. Yee Haw God Damn!

A Message for a Working Gal's Office Door

What the hell? If Sukie and I can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Jealous, ladies?

Did you all know my next door neighbor looks like this? He washes his car without his shirt on on Mondays. *sigh*

Seeing Red...

Here's what the Governor of this great Red State had to say in the paper this week: "Without more people becoming more involved in the Republican Party, democracy is at risk and America is in danger of a collapse into dictatorship."

Ummm...what? Be Republican or support dictatorship? What the Hell, Gov? You can't come up with a better to reason to join the party--all you've got is a false dilemma fallacy?? Give me a break!

10 Things I Hate

1. Drifting off to bed and wondering if I've locked the front door
2. Taking the dogs out when it's raining
3. People with no work ethic
4. My parents' phone staying busy all day on Sundays
5. Mr. Bitchford spending so much time with his work
6. The new puppy leaving tiny turds on my favorite rug
7. SUV's
8. SUV drivers
9. "Moral" republicans
10. Fake "religious" people

Please feel free to add to my list.

Eastwickean Politics

This is a quote from a local paper in Eastwick. Sheriff Wright talked about, "How God works. … Not Allah. How Jesus Christ works in your life," saying his faith helped him win office. He added that, "I'm a Republican because I don't think it's cool to kill babies. I don't think men should marry men. It's not what God intended." This man is the lead law enforcement officer for a town near Eastwick. What the fuck? Is this what we have come to? Please tell me that this type of cowboy dictatorship is just here. How do I, as a community member, respond to this crap? I feel like voting isn't enough. There needs to be a stand taken. The nut jobs like Wright get to spew their hatred to the media. This has to stop.

Oh Jenna!

For some bizarro reason, I have always been intrigued by Jenna Jameson. She didn't seem like the ordinary porn star. She was able to build this empire that the others were not. That impressed me a bit and made me curious. My loving sister gave me her book a few years ago for Christmas. Nothing like unwrapping How To Make Love Like a Porn Star in front of your relatives. Anyway, at the very least, the book made me feel REALLY smart. It had some beautiful pictures in it, as well. That was then. Have you seen pictures of her lately? What has happened to her? Did a plastic surgeon suck her brain out? Did she break all of her mirrors in a cocaine frenzy and perhaps is unaware of what she looks like? Bitch is just broke down. Damn.

Dear Co-workers,

You all suck big donkey dicks. Look at your job description. Follow it. Do those things in a timely manner. You are better than no one.
Fecklessly yours,
Alexandra Bitchford

The RoadSuck 300

My in-laws have this fancy camping van called a Roadtrek. Mr. Bitchford and I decided we would go see the leaves turn and hike around with the doggies. I'm not exactly a woodsy type of bitch, so I was hesitant. Then he told me about his parent's Roadtrek. I would be able to pee in a toilet, shower with warm water, dry my hair, and watch movies on a plasma screen all while in the woods! Shit. This sounded better than my house. We get there, and it is just a tad windy. The sun was out, so I'm thinking it can't get that cold. It's 3:00 a.m. The battery on the Roadtrek goes dead. This means no heat. It's freezing (literally). Even the dogs can't take it anymore. OMG! I got to take a warm shower, and I realize that it isn't exactly like home. You have to get wet, turn off the water, soap up, turn on the water, and rinse. This means that you are freezing and soapy. I go to dry my hair, and I manage to blow a fuse. Now, you are probably thinking that I'm expecting a bit much from the Roadtrek, but I'm not. It has outlets. It has a shower with a warm water option. It has a furnace. Wouldn't you think this meant you could actually use these features? Nope. Once the dogs started to whine, Mr. Bitchford decided to call it quits. We came home a day early. This is how the fancy, expensive Roadtrek 300 became known as the RoadSuck 300. The end.

That's wack

A new study "found the stress and anxiety of hostile, angry relationships can boost the risk of developing heart disease. Chances of a heart attack or chest pain rose by 34 percent compared to people on good terms with a spouse or partner." Is this what happened to Bobby Brown?? Or was that the wack crack?? (File this, the study, under Reason # 14 not to get married).

A Letter from Your Older and Smarter Self

Have you ever looked back on a time in your life and wished you could have handled it differently? Perhaps made a different choice? Here is my solution: a letter to your younger self from your older self.

Dear Alexandra,
Here are a few things you should know.

1. Enjoy your mother's hand-me-down Camry. It's free, and someone else pays the car insurance.

2. When you enter your 30's, you will no longer be a size 2. You will have to do things like work in order to pay your mortgage rather than go to the gym and rely on vodka for sustenance. You will no longer be concerned with squeezing into those cute, tiny capris from The Gap. Get over it.

3. Shoes will fit you no matter your size. Invest wisely.

4. You will not need a man to help support you. The only reason you should even entertain the idea of living with one is if he has a large penis and knows how to use it correctly...and often.

5. You will hate most of the people you work with most of the time. This will be the case in every place that you work. Get over it.

6. Everyone will expect you to have babies. This is not a good reason to have any.

7. Everyone will expect you to get married. This is not a good reason to do it.

8. Divorces are expensive. Choose wisely.

9. Chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon will no longer seem like the cool thing to do. Enjoy your cheap and nasty beer while you are young.

10. A good Friday night will no longer consist of frat boys and cigarettes. It will be making sure you stay up late enough to catch Clinton and Stacey on What Not to Wear.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford

P.S. You did inherit your grandmother's hips. Get over it.

Oh my...

The new dog came in from doing her business, and it looks like she tried to shit out Foxy Brown. There is a rather large, afro looking clump of blackish/brownish hair coming out of her little butt. *sigh*

Guess Which Bitch

Guess which bitch had to go plug a company product today? Guess which bitch ended up with a piece of brownie falling into her bra? Guess which bitch then proceeded to fish it out of said bra in front of everyone? :)

The Perils of Owning a Small Dog

My new dog has tons of personality and has really kept me on my toes. Also, you must understand that (1) she has only been here a few months and (2) I've never owned a small dog before. She has MAJOR attitude. I'm not sure if this is just her personality or if it is a side effect from being small. She also acts like she owns EVERYTHING in the house, including me. Mr. Bitchford and I are her property, and I don't even know what to say about how she treats the other animals. She moved in and became alpha dog, which is weird since she is the newest member of the family. The nastiest thing of all, though, is her insistence on eating the other dog's hair. She will climb on her and actually try to pull her hair out. If this doesn't work, she will root under the bed until she can find a hairball...then she gobbles it up. If this isn't bad enough, she then poops out the hair. The bad thing is that she will come in from doing her business and have a clump of the other dog's hair sticking out of her ass! I'm not sure what to do about this, and I've started to wonder if it is just a small dog thing. Ugh! I might as well have had a baby.

Christmas!

So, I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping lately. I took a little inventory of my presents today, and I found myself wanting to keep most of them. Is that a good thing? Obviously I won't keep them, but I do have to say that my peeps are getting some good shit this year! What's a girl to do?

10 Reasons You Should NOT Have Watched Rock of Love

Here is a list for the guys and the girls!

10. They blurred out stripper Heather's titties
9. There were some fugly bitches on the show
8. Bret Michael's hair weave was baaaad
7. Crazy Lacey really didn't even do anything that evil (Sukie and I could have done better)
6. Jes's stupid crooked necklace would have gotten on your nerves
5. Bret Michael's is really short
4. They didn't reveal that Brandie C. was really a porn star (this is good info for a reality show)
3. Bret Michael's pussed out and told the girls he couldn't party so hard (man, he got old)
2. Most of the girl-on-girl action was left out
1. He sent stripper Heather's ass home (who makes a better rock star girlfriend than a hot stripper, who also agrees to share you with another woman? Ummmm...no one.)

Today's Anthem

I know that Britney Spears is having a bad week--what with losing custody of her kids and all--and perhaps it is because she is having a bad week, and I am having a bad week that I am
choosing a Britney Spears song for my anthem of the day: "Do Something."

"I see you looking at me like I'm some kind of freak/
Get up out of your seat/
Why don't you do something!"

Anthems of the day are songs that get me through the day when all I really want to do is go back to sleep--and the last thing I want to do is show up at work and deal with the punks I have to see on a daily basis--who (btw) have thrown the last straw on the proverbial camel's back this week. And so I choose "Do Something," so I can go into work with a big attitude: "Get up out of your seat/Why don't you do something?"

Punks.

Don't try to take me on--I will shut you down.
Yeah.
Thanks Britney (PS: go to rehab--quick).

Let's Hear It for Anucha Browne Sanders

Since Sukie and I both have been sexually harassed at work within the past month, I thought we should celebrate one woman's victory. Sukie and I will clink our glasses for Ms. Anucha Browne Sanders this evening. I hope other ladies do the same. It's not easy to go through something like this or even report it. This woman is tough, and I am glad she stood up for herself and the rest of us.

http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3682294&page=1

Today SUCKED

Sexual harassment sucks.

Sometimes I wish I had a dick, so I wouldn't have to work SO hard for respect...only to have it undermined by some punk-ass man with less education and less common sense than me.

The End.

Baby and a Boob Job

There is only one question today, folks. Why?

Culture Shock

What has happened to our culture? Has MySpace and text messaging taken over the world? I guess you could say the same about blogging, but I think that is different. Blogging is like an old school journal to me. I was doing a little research this evening and cruising around MySpace. I was amazed by so many things. First of all, I studied web design in college, so the plethora of design mistakes literally burned my retinas. Aside from that, most of the people seemed sort of sad and simple. Each person seemed to want someone, no matter who it was, to talk to them. It then started to make me question how much things like MySpace and text messaging have changed the English language. I never see apostrophes anymore. Commas are obsolete. Don't even think about capitalization. What gives? I've been told that I just expect too much out of people and that grammar is dead. Is this true? If it is, don't you think we will pay a price for that? One more thing before I end my questioning. Does it amaze anyone else that MySpace accounts have found themselves in courtrooms used as evidence in murder cases? Just a few things to think about.