Drugs or No Drugs?

I had to go to the doctor today because I've been having a lot of stress headaches and minor panic attacks. I really didn't want to get any drugs, so I set up a schedule. I go to bed at a decent time and at the same time every night. I get up at 6:00, and I exercise for about 45 minutes. It starts my day out right. I've also been trying to eat smaller meals, but more of them. I don't think I was drinking enough water either. So, after three weeks of my schedule, I'm feeling much better. I went to the doctor anyway because I had the appointment. I told him my new plan and how it was working. He stared at me blankly and told me he was going to prescribe a stress care package for me. He gave me a prescription for something that slows your heart rate down and for Xanax. Wow! As I was leaving, he says, "I prescribe that package to all of my attorneys and executives. Congratulations! You're moving up in the world." WTF? I thought he would praise me for trying to control my symptoms with something other than drugs. Nope. I told a friend at work about it, and she said, "Well now maybe you will stop calling strange women in cars and stop locking Mr. Fratastic out of the meetings." Mr. Fratastic is new to our workplace. He wears a bow tie every day. Need I say more about the name. He also tried to show up late to my meetings, so I started locking the door. Sucka! I digress. I thought about what she said, and here is my response. I like my edge I have. It makes me who I am. My stress management techniques consist of chasing cars and locking bitches out. I think I'll stick with my exercises and routine. Anyone have suggestions?

Damn, Patricia!

I was on my way home today, and I was feeling a little stressed. I decided to take the back way home and go around the lake. No one ever goes that way. I'm cruising along and listening to some Dolly Parton. I was just chillin'. Then it happened. This woman pulled out in front of me and wouldn't go. She was on her phone. I don't mean she was annoying. I mean she was driving 20 in a 35 zone. She would cross the bridges over the lake and slow down to 10 mph. Bitch was pissing me off. I noticed an ad on her car window. It was a big Avon sign with a phone number. I'd had enough. *I called it! She answered! "Hi. This is Patricia." I said, "Well, Patricia, you pulled out in front of me, and now you won't even do the speed limit. I've had a stressful day and would appreciate it if you could move the fuck on." She slowed down again, and she looked in her rear view mirror. I waved. She took off doing about 60 mph. I continued my relaxing drive home while listening to Dolly's sweet voice.

*I realized that this story sounded a little crazy, so I saved Patricia's number in my phone. When I got home, I showed it to Mr. Bitchford and suggested he call her. He wouldn't do it, but he did believe me!

Barack Obama: The Bitches Believe!!!!

Sukie and I had a chance to watch history being made the other night. We went to an Obama rally, and it rocked! I got chills listening to him speak and at one point, he moved me to tears...in a good way. I was sitting there surrounded by people who all believe we need a change and that we can change. There were black, white, Asian, and Latino faces. None of us knew each other, but we were all smiling and screaming. For that one moment, we had all come together for a common cause. I haven't felt like that for the past eight years of the Bush administration. I've felt divided from everyone. I've felt helpless. I've felt defeated. Not anymore! YES WE CAN! Get involved in your political process, ya'll. You don't want to miss out on this.

Knits for Cash Campaign

Check out http://davidsdoll101.blogspot.com/! Jessie makes beautiful hand-knit goods and at reasonable prices. It's even freezing in Eastwick this morning, so make sure you have your scarf and hat ready!

The Eastwickean Way

I know you all have heard that Heath Ledger died. He was so young and such a good actor. The first thing I thought about when I heard the news was his young daughter. She'll probably barely remember him. It's sad. Eastwickeans do not have the same thought process that normal people do, though. A handful of local *religious nuts have gotten together to protest Heath Ledger's funeral. You all know what is coming next. Because he portrayed a gay character in Brokeback Mountain, these nut jobs are going to protest his funeral. It gets better. They're going to do this from Eastwick. Eastwick ain't nowhere (sorry...I had to get my Eastwickean accent on) NEAR where the funeral will be! OMG! WTF! This is a man that they don't even know. He has a family who is trying to mourn him. What is wrong with people?

*I'm using the word religious because that is how they described themselves. I don't agree.

If You Pray, God Will Give You Anything You Want!

Did you know this? Well, here is the proof. I received this in the mail the other day. It came straight from God's handlers.



I've thought about logging on and testing this out. I could pray for an A on my first paper that will be due soon. I could pray for time to stop, so I would be able to get caught up on all of my work. I could pray for a fucking flying car, so that I wouldn't have to endure the 2.5 hour drive to the university every other Friday. I could pray for the sterilization of the stupid, backwards Eastwickeans (mainly the cell phone talking while driving with children in the car soccer moms). I would say no offense, but it's offensive. Oh well. Ooooh. I could pray that my bikini line would stay magically waxed without all of the pain.
WTF? Do people really believe this bullshit? Has anyone else received something like this in the mail? Do tell.

The Nature Boy and The Bee

You guys know how Sukie and I feel about Mike Huckabee. He's a scary motherfucker. His message is frightening, yet it sounds so good coming out of his mouth. He's a great speaker, but I guess that comes from being a Baptist preacher. I've heard people say they find it odd that he is traveling with Chuck Norris and Ric Flair as endorsers of his campaign. It's pure genius! Eastwickeans love them some wrastlin'. Who doesn't remember Ric Flair's fluffy, cotton candy mullet? Mmmmm. Although, he ain't exactly looking like he used to...

My point is that while I don't think Huckabee will win his party's nomination, who is to say that someone won't drag him along as the VP. How can the evangelical vote support a man who essentially turned his back on God's calling for him? I don't believe in that stuff, but clearly these people do. To top it all off, Mike Huckabee has forced me to find a new seamstress. I went to pick up my pants last week, and the woman had Huckabee signs plastered all over the joint...inside and out. I sucked in my opinion, and I entered the gates of hell to get my pants. She actually offered me a bumper sticker! That was my line in the sand, and the bitch crossed it. Anyone know a good seamstress??? :(

Bill O'Reilly Sucks @SS!

I've never liked the man. That's the truth.

(Glenn Beck, another conservative TV personality, but one whom I respect a bit more, suggested the other night that if we're going to provide commentary on politics, we ought to at least disclose our biases, which he does, and I do, too. We all know I'm not a conservative, that I vote Democratic, and now, that I've never liked Bill O'Reilly)

Also the truth: I have for a long time been concerned about the fact that 1/4 of the homeless population in this country are military veterans. I've written about it before. It makes me sad and embarrassed to be an American that the men and women who serve this country come home to...well, no home.

John Edwards has also spent a lot of time talking about the plight of our veterans and vowing to make changes to save them. The other night in Nevada, he repeated this message:

“In a country with as much wealth as America has, for us to have as many as 200,000 veterans who go to bed under bridges, go to sleep under bridges, or on grates, and who are homeless... This is immoral, and it’s wrong. And we, America, we have a responsibility to do something about it."

Bill O'Reilly, on his show, said in reference to John Edwards' comments, "Well, we're still looking for all the veterans sleeping under the bridges, Ed. So, if you find anybody, let us know....". Clearly, O'Reilly takes issue with the statistics about the number of homeless vets. In fact, he argued,

"They may be out there, but there are not many of them out there, OK. So, if you know where there is a veteran sleeping under a bridge, you call me immediately, and we will make sure that man does not do it."

Last night, John Edwards spoke to a group called US Veterans, a non profit organization that reintegrates homeless vets back into society. The room was filled with homeless vets. Said, John to them,

“I heard that, last night, Bill O'Reilly, who's a talk show host, who's heard that I have said this about hundreds of thousands of veterans who don't have a place to live, and were homeless. And he challenged me about whether that's true or not, whether, in fact, we have that many veterans who don't have a place to live, and some of them are sleeping under bridges. Well, he ought to start by coming to Las Vegas, if he wants to know what's going on.

America has the responsibility to do something about this. We do. And the fact that this talk show host, Bill O’Reilly, is willing to speak out that blatantly, when he has no idea what he’s talking about, is an example of how America doesn’t understand the problem, doesn’t understand how serious this issue is.”

Get him, John! When's the last time Bill O'Reilly went to the "other side of the tracks" in search of homeless vets? When was the last time he offered one of them a place to sleep? When was the last time he offered to foot the bill for a vet's medical bills? Bill O'Reilly is so far removed from us Regular Joes that, as John says, he has no idea what he's talking about...in which case he ought to keep his big, fat, stupid mouth shut.

Let it Snow!

It's fucking snowing in Eastwick!!!!!!



My beautiful flowers


My giant Magnolia tree

Random thoughts

Who thinks Britney Spears actually cares about those kids?

In light of her recent escapades (4 hours late for latest custody hearing; then turns around and leaves immediately, going to first a church and then a shoe store), I have to wonder if she cares about anything other than just making a big ole scene so she can stay in the media spotlight despite the fact that her career is in the sh*tter. Or she might be really bipolar. Either way, that b*tch needs some serious help.

From the Eastwick News tonight:

"Authorities are searching tonight for a man believed to be wandering through the woods near Old XXX Road near ZZZ in Eastwick with a stick in his head."

Yeah, I wasn't sure I heard that right, either, so I kept listening as the anchor went on to elaborate:

"The man, identified over police scanner traffic as a suspect in an earlier shooting, was said to have fled into the woods. He was described as a man wearing a Harley Davidson jacket with a stick in his head."

A stick in his head? Seriously? How is this even possible? The image in my head is hysterical--just so you know. I guess he'll be hard to miss when he comes out of those woods.

Can you imagine it: some redneck with a gun (Old XXX Road's a little in the boonies) is gonna see him coming outta the woods: "Hey, Lula Mae! Get me ma gun! That man with the stick in his head's out in the pasture by the cows!"

I love this town.

Bring Back '07

2008 sucks. For shizzle. Why do people I know keep dying? Seriously. It's only the 14th, and I know of at least 8 people who've died. It's insane! Just today we found out my friend's 14 y/o cousin killed himself. How miserable!

I want to go back to 2007. Pronto.

School is Not Out for Summer

I started a new graduate program last week, and I'm wondering what the fuck I was thinking going back to school. I'm the youngest person in my classes, and it just seems like everyone else is way more comfortable than I am. We had to get in groups for this one course, and I HATE getting into groups. It always means that someone's slack ass is going to get a good grade because of someone else's hard work. My group consisted of me, Directionally Challenged Brandy, and Were We Supposed to Bring Our Book Ava. Our first task was to come up with five to six current events that relate to the topic of our course. Directionally Challenged Brandy (she was late to class) blinks her eyes at me and says, "I haven't read the chapter." Were We Supposed to Bring Our Book Ava (bitch didn't have a book, paper, or a pen) smacked her gum at me and rolled her eyes. The professor tells us that we will need a team leader to report our current events. Both of these whores look at me and say, "You can do it. You've actually read the chapter." Other groups are reporting, and I am trying to listen and jot down some notes. Were We Supposed to Bring Our Book Ava keeps bumping my hand and telling me how to change our current events. Fucking bitch didn't even buy the book! Where do these people come from? I have to present something to the class with these people in four weeks. OMG! I'm so screwed.

Isn't the Huckster Pro-Life?

What the fuck is wrong with Mike Huckabee's son?

http://www.newsweek.com/id/78241

Sorry! The link function wasn't working. Copy and paste, people. :)

Ding Dong, The Avon Lady

Mr. Bitchford and I were searching for the perfect mechanical pencil in Target. We were completely engrossed in our search, and it took me a minute to realize a woman was talking to me. She asks, "Is that your real hair color?" Seriously, lady. Does it look like my real hair color? Can you not see the two inches of root that I haven't had the time to cover yet? I tell her that it is not my real hair color. I'm actually a natural blonde, but I keep my hair very dark. I'm weird like that. So, she tells me that she loves my hair cut. I say thank you. She asks where I go to get it done. I tell her. She then tells me I have beautiful eyes. Hmmm. Was she hitting on me? Nope. She sells Mary fuckin' Kay! Bitch actually asked me for my home phone number, so she could give me a free makeover. Free makeover? You just told me I had nice hair and beautiful eyes. You also asked the one question that all born and raised Eastwickeans ask me. "You're not from here, are you?" No, bitch, I'm not. Who would give this woman her home phone number? She straight up gave me some fake ass compliments in order to make some fast cash off of me. In the words of Whitney Houston, hell to the no, lady.

Celebrity Sightings

I don't normally write two blogs in one day, but I read David's Doll and it got me to thinking. Jessie wrote about a celebrity sighting at Starbucks, and it brought up a few stories for me. When I was 10, I saw Sebastian Bach in a World of Clothing store. He was with a straight up skank video vixen and a baby. The baby threw me off, but here was this very tall and thin man with long blonde hair. Mmmm. I saw him on VH-1 years later, and I realized that it really was him. He's married to a woman that sort of looks like a skank video vixen, and the "baby" was about the right age. Go figure. I didn't speak to him or anything, but I was super excited to have spotted him. My favorite celebrity sighting story goes to my old hair stylist. She was living in Atlanta, GA at the time, and she attended a backyard barbecue with her hubby. It was very casual, and she never imagined she would have a celebrity sighting. She gets settled in a lawn chair in her friend's backyard when lo and behold...Kip freakin' Winger walks in! You guys remember him? Rather than (a) ignore him or (b) politely ask for an autograph, my stylist runs over to him, starts gyrating, and sings, "I'm only seventeen, but I'll show you love like you've never seen. She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me." Do you know he actually got pissy and huffy? Come on! He made a ton o' cash off of this song and his high kicks. Embrace it! After hearing this story, it has inspired me to be ready with something very creative for my next celebrity sighting. Watch out!

2008 isn't off to a great start

2008 has not been good to Eastwick, surrounding cities, or family. There have already been four house fires with casualties, at least a dozen shootings with casualties, and our long-time and beloved homeless man was run down and will now possibly lose his right leg. I know I joke around a lot, but this last one is serious. Some asshole with no license ran him down and destroyed his little shopping cart with all of his belongings. The people of Eastwick are pissed and rightly so. The one good thing that came out of the accident was that it reminded me that Eastwick is not always a horrible town. The citizens really came together for this man and have continued to do so. Another incident happened right after Christmas next door to my parent's home. Some people drove a pick-up truck behind the neighbor's house and kicked the door in. They stole a bunch of stuff and ruined the house. It was in the middle of broad daylight. Neighbors were home and everything. It was straight out of that Roseanne episode where she watches a moving van clean her neighbor's house out. She evens buys a few things from the "moving guys." Lastly, a friend of mine lost his dad yesterday. He died suddenly, and there is no word on how yet. It just sucks. None of it makes any sense. I guess it doesn't have to make sense. Peace.

Is that a 10 year old or Michelle Williams?

I was poking around the TMZ website (yes, I know it is trashy, but it's my stress relief), and I found this old photo. We all know how the majority of young Hollywood actresses take thin to a new level, but I find this photo truly disturbing. Just because Michelle can wear a 10 year old girl's bathing suit does not mean that she should. Maybe that was Heath's thing...ewww...

Oh, Shytonia!

Mr. Bitchford and I decided to do a little shopping this afternoon. We like to go dig around in TJMaxx and Ross Dress for Less. I know it's a little trashy, but it makes us happy to buy discounted items. The only drawback is that other Eastwickeans are out and about. TJMaxx is full of the soccer moms who like to push their buggies into you. It's a little uppity. Ross Dress for Less is mecca for all of the loud, pushy Eastwickean bitches. I can usually hang, though. ;) So, I was digging through the discounted pencil skirts because I need a new one. All of a sudden I felt an article of clothing being pressed against my back. I turn around, and there is an entire family of loud, pushy Eastwickean bitches. One looks at me and says, "Girl, please. You the same size as Shytonia. I need to see if this dress would fit her." I was ok with that. I kind of thought it was funny. At least they weren't pushing me around with their buggies full of discounted Christmas items. I wandered over to the dress section because you just never know what you will find. I ran into the same family, but this time they weren't alone. I heard one of them yell at another girl across the store. "Bitch! Keep my name out cho' mouth. It ain't a dick!" Woo hoo! It was a full-on Eastwickean brawl. They didn't come to blows, but it was still entertaining. I hope Shytonia's dress fits. Holla.

It was only a matter of time...

Straight from the Opinion Pages of the Eastwick News, I bring you this bit of brilliant insight:

It's time that we pass a no drinking in public ordinance. I would much
rather meet a smoker on the highway than a drunk. It's time we ban
drinking in public.

Prohibition has worked so well in the past, hasn't it? And if we just ban drinking in public but not in private, is that really gonna make a damn bit of difference? Why do people in this town lack the basic ability to reason??

Funny Work Excuses

I know you all MUST have some funny work excuses...or at least have heard some. This is my favorite so far. My sister's secretary had her fiance call in for her today. He said that his fiance's lack of a gall bladder was causing her pain, and she would not be in today. Ha!

Do You Know Your Neighbors?

I think we may have a grow house in our neighborhood. For those of you who do not know, a grow house is when a property is used in the illegal cultivation of marijuana. These people moved in a few months back. There are people coming and going at all hours of the day. No one seems to have a steady schedule. The blinds are ALWAYS closed, and the windows on this particular house happen to be really small and placed higher up on the home. It's a 1960's style house. There is also a dark blue van with no windows. Could this be how they sneak in the seedlings? Hmmm. I remember a few years back that there was a huge problem in Canada with grow houses. I live in a middle class neighborhood, so this would be a good cover. Maybe these people just work odd shifts, and I should stop watching too much Weeds.

Anybody but Huckabee, PLEASE!

As I prepare to sit down and watch the caucuses tonight, I am compelled (in part because Alexandra told me to) to share with you an adaptation of a post I wrote for my other blog.

...I cannot believe how much support Mike Huckabee has gotten lately. This man terrifies me. If he becomes president of the US, I really may have to consider moving to France. Seriously. Among the reasons he frightens me so is his steadfast religious faith. Sure, it's good for some things, but not for the leader of my country--unless of course my faith and his faith are one in the same in which case I guess I might think it alright (though I'm not really sure of that either). For after all, Mike Huckabee readily admits on his website that his faith "is my life - it defines me. I don't separate my faith from my personal and professional lives." Further, he explains that his faith "doesn't influence my decisions, it drives them."

I believe quite strongly in the separation between church and state. I believe the leader of the US has to be willing to put aside his personal religious conviction in order to do what is best for the country as a whole--to do what is best for all the citizens of this country. Mike Huckabee has illustrated an unwillingness or inability to do that. That's why as governor of Arkansas he granted clemency and/or leniency (earning him the nickname King Clemency) to criminals who claimed to have "found God," or who were recommended to him by a pastor or close friend, calling into question whether his inability to separate his personal and professional lives isn't a bit detrimental to society. It was certainly traumatic for Ashley Stevens and detrimental to 39-year-old Carol Shields. After all, when he released Stevens' rapist, the man attacked Carol Shields and possibly raped and killed a pregnant woman, too. According to Huckabee, faith "makes us less judgmental, as we see others with the same frailties we have." Again--that's all well and good--until you're applying that faith to, say, rapists and murderers, as Huckabee did in Arkansas. Now, imagine this man with the power of a presidency. ~~shiver~~

But Huckabee's willingness to forgive as if he is God isn't the only scary thing about him. What also scares me about Mike Huckabee is his stance on marriage: "...nothing in our society matters more. Our true strength doesn't come from our military or our gross national product, it comes from our families." Well, gee, thanks Mikey-boy, I guess I'm totally irrelevant, huh? Perhaps I don't matter??? Not only does he staunchly oppose same-sex marriage, supporting the discrimination of an entire group of people and relegating them to second-class citizenship, but he also supports covenant marriage over regular, plain-jane marriage. He got Arkansas to be only the 3rd state to adopt covenant marriages, and brags on his website that "Today, many churches in Arkansas will perform only covenant marriages." Covenant marriage, in case you're wondering, is like a super marriage that makes it incredibly difficult to get a divorce--basically you can get a divorce only if your partner commits adultery, a felony, or abuses you. Unfortunately, it's often difficult to provide enough evidence to support claims of abuse (particularly mental or sexual abuse which often don't leave marks for photos or have witnesses). Now, I get that cutting down on no-fault divorce could be a great thing, but I think it's stupid to try to force people to commit to marriages which may leave them stuck in unhappy, unfulfilling, and potentially abusive relationships. Furthermore, adoption of covenant marriages by government effectively legalizes a religious view of marriage. And as I've said before, marriage does not have to be religious. If it did, I couldn't go down the street and get married by the Justice of the Peace or the Magistrate...or any willy-nilly person certified via Internet to conduct marriages. This is another reason why the separation of church and state is so important. Imagine a world in which covenant marriages are supported by the federal government. What if that became the only way to get married? I, for one, would definitely not get married. Certainly, people should be given the choice. Right now, you have the choice to marry in a church, and I have the choice to go to the county judge. I don't need a priest or a preacher or a pastor or whatever you might have--and I don't have to have one. A legal marriage and a religious marriage are two entirely different things (you can have both if you like)--and they should stay that way--which is why Mike Huckabee's opposition to same-sex marriage angers me. His position is this:

I support and have always supported passage of a federal constitutional amendment that defines marriage as a union between one man and one woman. As President, I will fight for passage of this amendment. My personal belief is that marriage is between one man and one woman, for life.

Oh, so 'cause it's your personal belief, it should be law? What kind of argument is that? No kind--it has no basis. And if that's the basis he makes for supporting legislation or not, then I don't think he needs to be president. The government has no right to outlaw marriage for some people--there is no legal reason to do so...and it is a legal matter. If churches don't want to marry homosexuals, then that's their prerogative--not the government's, not Mike Huckabee's.

His stance on abortion is equally frightening, albeit predictable:

I'll veto any pro-abortion legislation they pass. I will staff all relevant positions with pro-life appointees. I will use the Bully Pulpit to change hearts and minds, to move this country from a culture of death to a culture of life. I have no desire to throw women in jail, I just want us to stop throwing babies in the garbage.

The man aims to change our "hearts and minds" as he uses the White House as his own personal pulpit from which to preach...and he tells us that upfront--but enough about that particular issue--since most people either just agree wholeheartedly with him or not...I won't bore you with why I am pro-choice. But I will point again to a time when ole Huck was governor of Arkansas and he used his power to intervene in the life of a 15 y/o retarded pregnant girl who'd been raped by her step-father on a camping trip. He blocked the Medicaid payment for her abortion--despite the fact that a federal law provided for that payment (allowing rape victims abortions). Even though a federal judge ordered the payment to be made, Huck said no, jeopardizing Medicaid funding to his state because he is so staunchly pro-life.

Other disturbing things about Mike:

• He's a member of a band called Capitol Offense.
• He touts Chuck Norris as a "true American hero" and uses the actor to support his campaign.
• He purports to run a clean campaign, but he created an anti-Romney ad, but released it only to the press, telling them he'd decided to take the high road and not run it after all--hypocrite!
• He says that, as President, he'd bomb Iran "in a heartbeat" without going through Congress.

Iowanna Caucus!

Mr. Bitchford and I are ready tonight. We've got a good spread to munch on while we watch the Iowa caucus. I hope our readers are watching this tonight. My predictions are Edwards for the Dems and Huckabee for the Republicans. I don't really have any rhyme or reason for these predictions. It's just what keeps popping into my head. More than likely it will be Obama and Romney, but we'll see. Now I've got to decide who to vote for in our primary. Dennis Kucinich is the candidate who best represents my views, but he has no chance of winning. Now I've got to figure out if I want my vote "to count" or if I want to go with my gut. Hmmm. Is anyone else excited???

Don't Lynch Me, Bro!

I was standing in line to checkout at the Bloom the other day when a curious thing happened. The checkout girl stopped scanning the merchandise, turned from the door where she'd been looking, and said to the bag boy, "That woman just walked in, grabbed a banana and walked out!" As she turns back to scanning my things, she says, "You wouldn't believe the things we see people try to take outta here without paying."

Apparently, she wasn't exaggerating because when I picked up the newspaper yesterday, I was confronted with this headline: "Shoplifter Accuses Employees of Lynching." Naturally, I had to read on. According to the article, this guy went into the local Ingles, grabbed himself a soda and a snack (totaling $3.27) and headed to the bathroom, where he ate his snack and drank his drink. Then, when the Ingles employees confronted him, he ran away because the store employees were "trying to lynch him." When officers arrived on the scene, he continued this storyline, insisting that the two Ingles clerks were trying to lynch him.

Now, the Eastwick News couldn't just stop there; they had to elaborate on the situation--as if there were some small possibility that the Ingles clerks were in fact trying to lynch a man in broad daylight in the middle of the store--by providing the definition of lynching:

"In Stupid State, the legal standard for lynching is met when two or more people engage in an act of premeditated violence."

Thanks for clearing that up, people, because I really was concerned that Ingles is the secret cover agency of the KKK and that they are actively lynching customers--not just trying to reduce shoplifting or make people pay for merchandise.

PS: This is why I shop across town at the Bloom or Publix--even though the Ingles is right down the street. Yes, I'm a grocery store snob.

Inappropriate Touching?

(Those are cat whiskers. The cat loves a camera.)
I tripped and fell on New Year's Eve, and I really fucked up my ankle. It's giant and blue, and it hurts. I went to the doctor this morning, so I could get a second opinion. I've always really liked my doctor, and I never mind going to this place. So, he comes in, and I have to take my sock off. He looks at my ankle, and he starts applying pressure and turning it. It hurts, and he starts asking me questions. He then starts to lift my pant leg and massaged my calf. I found this weird. My calf didn't hurt. I didn't injure my calf. It was the first time that I've ever felt "weird" at the doctor's office. He kept massaging while he was talking to me. Weird, weird, weird. He gave me my orders to keep off of the ankle and wrap it tight. I've never been so glad to have hairy legs. If I had had smooth legs, I might have had to leave. I'm sure he was just checking out my injury, but it still felt very strange. Any similar stories out there?

Big New Church Ad on Facebook

"i used to be addicted to satan! but i heard about this anti-drug called big new church. it really works. and the best part is that there are no after tastes or bad side effects. thanks big new church!"

Wow! I'm waiting on Big New Church political ads to start running. I have no doubt that Big New Church will endorse a candidate every Sunday.