The Bitches Wish Everyone a Happy New Year!

Jesus Camp

I couldn't sleep last night, and I was channel surfing. I came across a documentary called Jesus Camp. It featured this family who ran, what they called, a religious camp for children. These children were mostly between 6 - 10 years old. It was scary. The show was about two hours long, and not once did I really hear anyone speak of anything religious. The camp owners would work the children up into an emotional frenzy and have them chant things like "Jesus will save me. Jesus created me." There were no real religious lessons (that I could see). The camp owners had bought a shit ton of coffee mugs and had written "government" on them. They then told the kids that the government was evil and must be stopped. The kids had hammers and would come up and smash the "evil government" that had taken religion out of their schools and hearts. Bizarre. The worst part was when they brought in a man who represented an organization called "Life." He handed out plastic babies and scared the kids about how some women would have killed them. Of course the children didn't really understand, and they were crying and upset. The worst part was when they featured ole' Ted Haggard. He said that the children were the most important part of the Evangelical movement because they could mold them. He then stated that the Evangelicals would take over the government and vote like good Evangelicals. Then he smiles and chuckles, leaving the audience with this..."This is a good life." This is just fucking scary. These people never really said anything about religion, community service, the betterment of mankind, etc. This election year is huge because our communities (especially places like Eastwick) could really take a scary turn for the worst.

Vagina Slang

I know you have heard Oprah call her vagina a "va-jay-jay." With all of the funny names out there, why would she choose this one? My friends and I have come up with a small list. Please add to it.

1. A cock holster
2. Roast beef curtains
3. Monkey
4. Axe wound
5. Vertical smile
6. Nappy dugout
7. Flesh taco
8. Bearded clam
9. Velvet folds
10.Tufted taco

Ahhh...Eastwickeans

A man was arrested two days before Christmas for pissing on $600 worth of toys at the local Toys R Us. He claimed to have a medical condition and couldn't find a bathroom. Perhaps his condition is that he is a fucking dullard, a dolt, a stupe, a poor fish. This list could go on. I hate this place.

Happy Holidays...or not

Verbatim from the Eastwick News in the "Letters to the Editor" section (always a fun read):

"Hey all you people out there, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May God bless you all, and I don't care who doesn't like it. I refuse to say Happy Holidays."

Says Sukie, "Ummm...Ok, thanks for sharing that little temper tantrum...what are you, like, 8? And have you been hanging out at Big New Church watching baby Jesus descend from the ceiling in the midst of rock music and $25,000 worth of lights?"

Another one:

"Why is it that if you tell somebody something good, it never goes anywhere else, but when you say something bad, it goes all over town? And also watch out in parking lots when you are shopping. People come across the lots and speed all the time, I was almost hit just the other day. And please hold on to your purse."

Says Sukie, "Do you have ADD??? What does one thing in this note have to do with another? Any other random gripes?"

And one more:

"I disagree with this newspaper's position on a mandated smoking ban. Eighty percent of us no longer smoke. It seems like the tail is wagging the dog."

Says Sukie, "Can a tail wag a dog? Just wondering...is that something your pa used to say? Thought so."

Wait...just one more:

"I am an Eastwick University graduate. The media is using this death like a dog with a bone and they need to educate about alcohol poisoning and quitting alcohol. Use this opportunity."

Says Sukie, "Thanks for the vague pronoun reference--now I know why that used to piss my English teacher off. What death (yes, I know he means that legislator's grandson, but only 'cause I blogged it...)??? Also, thanks for the flavorful simile...I think my English teacher would have marked that 'cliche,' but what do I know? On a personal note, if I quit alcohol, I might blow up this town. Use that opportunity."

And to all a good night...

Pregnant Jamie Lynn Speaks Out

Oh my!

In the Words of my 4 Year Old Nephew...

Merry Pissmas and Happy Poop Year! ;)

Look Who's Back for More...

Bret Michaels..and his diabeetus! That's right folks, it's Rock of Love II...and Bret is back to try to find love once more. Life is good, no?

Rock 'n' Roll and Politics Don't Mix

I was reading a magazine the other day, and I saw where Ted Nugent had endorsed Mike Huckabee. What is wrong with this picture? Old Ted is known for a song called Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. If it's not godly and conservative to make shit tons of cash off of that song and bang an underage girl while doing so, then I don't know what is. I guess Ted thinks the Democrats will take his guns away. Dumb ass. I also read that Huckabee continues to tell his story of pardoning Keith Richards for a reckless driving incident. Dude, he's not from here. He can't vote for you. Move on. Now, Ric Flair has thrown a little cash at Huckabee. Woo! Now that seems like a man with conservative, godly morals too. I get that people have different beliefs, but why do THESE people seem so hypocritical. If Ted and Ric aren't careful, they will find themselves in the same position as James Hetfield from Metallic. He's big buds with the Bushes, and his ass got detained at the airport for having a "Bin Laden" beard. Suckas!

quote of the year

Remember this?
Well, "Don't tase me bro" has officially been named the quote of the year for 2007.
I'm not sure what this says about our society...

Second on the list?
Little Ms. Southern Beauty Queen's "such as" snafu...the funniest part of which I still think is "U.S. Americans."

Why Does Baby Jesus Have Jazz Hands?

Free Comments & Graphics


There are several things disturbing about this photo. I will make a list.

1. Doesn't Mary look like Paris Hilton? Hmmm.
2. When did she have time for those super fucking realistic highlights?
3. Why is the bunny humping the lamb?
4. Were there bunnies in the manger?
5. Do bunnies pray?
6.Doesn't Joseph look a bit like Mr. Edwards from Little House on the Prairie?
7. Why in the fuck does baby Jesus have jazz hands?

Bitch, please...

I talked to one of my sisters today, and she told me that someone broke into my brother-in-law's car and stole his shit! They live in a cool historical neighborhood, and there is rarely any trouble there. Well, except for a few months ago when a drunken and drugged driver ran into the back of their house. That's another story. Also, their garage is right at the house. Shit! It's attached to the house! My brother-in-law, being the crafty person he is, cruised all of the pawn shops in search of his shit. He hit gold today. He asked the lady if she had any new merchandise coming up. She told him yes, and he asked to see it. She straight up brought his stolen shit out! He told her it was his and to call the police. Here's the kicker...she got pissed at him! The police came, and my brother-in-law has agreed to testify in court against the low-life son of a bitch thief. I imagine Mr. Low-Life Son of a Bitch being a little cocky asshole who thinks someone would be scared of him. I would like to show him a little Eastwickean baseball bat justice. Fucker.

Dell Computers

I hope Dell rots in the stinking depths of hell. I tried to buy a laptop tonight, and Dell did not want to sell me one. First, I couldn't get the online order to go through. Second, it MADE me purchase a webcam. Third, I couldn't get anyone who spoke English to answer the god damn motherfucking customer service line. And fourth, it all comes back around to me wishing that Dell would rot in the stinking depths of hell. Oh, and Dell, if you are out there and have some savy team of computer geeks who finds sites that mention your skanky ass name... I hope you find this motherfuckers! The end.

Office Party

I had to attend one of my two office parties on Friday night. I work with two different divisions, so I get two invites. This is my "alcoholic" division, so I knew I was in for a wild time. Little did I know how wild it would get. The evening started out with everyone sitting on a couch and staring at each other. Then our host brought out some appetizers, so that got people up and moving. Next, the alcohol started flowing freely. There is this one guy I work with who is ALWAYS wanting to be the life of the party. I'll call him The Doctor. He applied to med school just like his daddy, but he couldn't get in. Soooo...now he works for my company. The Doctor arrives with his cooler on wheels. I'm dead serious. He has a party cooler on wheels. He is already pretty ripped, and he is bitching about not finding a woman to bring with him. Mr. Bitchford and I wander off to find some more food and see who else has arrived. After awhile, our host announces that we will begin our Chinese Christmas gift game. This is that silly game where each person brings a $10 gift, and everyone picks a number...blah, blah, blah. The game is incredibly long and boring, but The Doctor is not going to have this. He unwraps his gift, and it is a really nice gourmet cookie mix. He stands on his chair, waves around the cookie mix and yells, "Why would anyone spend $10 on god damn cookie mix?" The game continues, and it is starting to wear on my nerves because I can only take so much interaction with these people. The Doctor stands on his chair again and announces that he has a joke. "What kind of Kotex does a fat girl wear? A rope and some Bounty paper towels." What is he? 12? The game ends, and there are some people on the porch smoking cigars. Mr. Bitchford and I decide to hit the road, so we go out there to tell everyone goodbye. The Doctor is puffing on his cigar and sipping his screwdriver. He sees that we are leaving, and he seems to think that dry humping me goodbye is in order. I'm grateful that my fucking office parties are over! Bah Humbug!

Update on State Legislator's Grandson

Sukie posted about this story a few days ago. The 18 year old died of alcohol poisoning. The media is now reporting the condition of the frat house he was found in. None of the details are shocking to me because I did go to college. What's shocking is that some in the community are in an uproar about the reporting. Some feel that this is "dragging the story out" and that it is "disrespectful to the family." I don't really get that from the reporting. I feel like it could be a wake-up call to sororities, fraternities, and all college students. They are not invincible. They should not leave a passed out friend alone. Those are the lessons that I can see from this sad story. It seems like Sukie's initial reaction was right on.

Headline Ranting

Come on, this is just wrong: “A local mother who home-schools her children is the new chairwoman-elect of the board that oversees Stupid State’s public schools.”

Y’all: she won’t even put her own children into the public school system, and now she will be a leader—the leader of the State Board of Education!! I can NOT be alone here: this is not OK.

Now, I know someone is going to argue that she keeps her kids out of public schools because they’re so bad, and she wants to make a change, blah, blah, blah. But, come on, she not only knows nothing about public education and how it works, but she also has no vested interest in public education. After all, she home-schools her own children!

On top of that, she founded a group called Stupid State Parents in Education, which supports abstinence education, taxpayer dollars spent on private schools, and the teaching of intelligent design. I would also like to point out that the woman has a degree, not in education, but in engineering. I have always said that those who serve on the board of ed. should be people with experience in education—public education. This only makes sense. People with no educational expertise should not be making decisions about education. Period.

Bathroom Drama

It happened again. I had more bathroom drama at work today. Again, our stalls are tiny, so please keep this in mind. I was in my stall, and I had on my super nice black dress boots. A woman entered the stall to my left, and she proceeded to get situated. All of a sudden there was a giant cloud of baby powder coming my way. Then... it happened. The baby powder wafted over and settled on the toe of my boot. Yes! The baby powder that had been packed up tight in this woman's vagina ALL DAY LONG landed on my dress boot. While I can appreciate the fact that she was trying to combat the "cod fish panty" odor, I did not appreciate her skank ass coochie powder on my boot. I sort of let out a short scream/gasp/snort. I was disgusted. Then I started shaking my boot around and saying things like "ewww" and "gross." I finally got up and found a paper towel to clean my precious boot with. The woman stayed in her stall. I had to go to the bathroom later in the day, and I could see the trail of baby powder coming out from under her stall. Someone had tracked it out of the stall and into the hand washing area. Gross!

BC: Nothing!

Do you think Barbara Walters had any idea how truly moronic Sherry Shepherd is before she put her on TV?

This, notably, is the prevailing belief of most Eastwickeans as well: nothing predates Jesus! Nothing!

Just a thought...

If the 18 y/o grandson of a former state legislator drinks himself to death in a
fraternity house, and no one talks about the cause of death, does that mean
he died of natural causes???

That Time of Year

Well, it's that time of year when everyone in the office exchanges gifts. Let me fix that statement. It's that time of year when all of the women in the office exchange gifts. The men could give a shit. So, I have a secretary and an office assistant. I share my secretary with my supervisor, and she rocks. She's one of those people who will totally tell someone that I'm on an important conference call when she knows I've put my head down on the desk for a ten minute nap. She's very tight lipped about my professional and personal business. I love her! I share my office assistant with about 10 other people on my floor. She sucks. She never gets anything right, and she constantly lies. She will tell her immediate supervisor that I've said it's ok for her to take off, but I haven't! This always leaves me high and dry when I need her to do something. Here's the problem. I want to keep harmony in the office, but I really want to reward my secretary for being so kick ass. I don't want to get the office assistant anything, but I also don't want a cat fight on my hands. How do I handle this???

A Blogger Friend Needs Help!

Our friend, Jessie, needs your help. Her hubby had a bad bike accident yesterday and will be out of work for awhile. Jessie has a ton of cool shit on her blog. Go check it out! Make sure you click the fuck out of her ads! http://davidsdoll101.blogspot.com/
Also, she wrote a cool book about good food for your kids. Buy a copy for someone as a Christmas gift! Buy two! AND, she knits super cool stuff that keeps you really warm. Order something!

A Lesson In Diversity?

A friend of mine just called me from the grocery store. She had stopped at a new store on her way home from work. The new grocery store is in a predominately black neighborhood. She hadn't really thought about this until she got in the store. She was checking out and noticed a difference in the "impulse" items. In the grocery stores I've been in, the "impulse" aisle consists of People magazine and Altoids. My friend said the "impulse" aisle was lined with hairbrushes and home pregnancy tests. Interesting and odd. Don't you think?

I'm a Scrooge

Just a Girl recently posted a beautiful story about how she helped a man down on his luck. Me? I'm posting a story about how I threatened to assault a homeless man. Here's what happened. I was shopping for a few things at the store, and I was so excited because they had my fancy mineral water I like. I've had a hard few weeks, so I rewarded myself with a few of the little, fancy glass bottles. I'm leaving the store, and I'm loaded down with groceries. A man is immediately in my face asking me for some money. I told him I didn't have any cash, which was the truth. As I would walk, he would get in front of me and block my path. I freaked out. I yelled at him, and I told him that if he blocked my path again that I would rack him in the balls with my fancy water in a glass bottle. He stepped away. It's official. I'm going to hell.

Those Krazy Kardashians

Sukie was hooked on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I went over to her house tonight for pizza and the finale show. We are both so old that we fell asleep before it came on last night...at 10:30 p.m. So Kim, who we thought was the ONLY naked Kardashian, isn't alone. It appears that her sister, Kourtney, has posed naked for photos before. Kim, being the brain of the family, misplaced Kourtney's naked photos, and they disappeared. Someone "found" the naked photos, and he was trying to sell them. Well...ummm...no shit, girls. The FBI became involved (Kourtney was only 17 when the photos were taken), and her family was very upset. Her boyfriend comes over, and he only has one thing to say. "So, are you mad because the photos were taken before you had your boob job?" Yep. That's all he had to say. Sukie and I kept wondering why celebrities are shocked when their naked photos and/or videos are leaked. Come on, people! Keep your fucking clothes on. Oh, and one more thing. I don't care if you are a man or a woman. Wouldn't you want to see this ass in all its glory?

Perez Hilton...I Don't Get It

I saw where Perez Hilton will have a VH-1 special called "What Perez Says." Did I miss something? Who gives a fuck what Perez says? Are there really people who do? If so, I would like to know why. Our friend, Jessie, has recently given up her T.V. I'm thinking of doing the same. I bet I'll be smarter. I'm not really into getting any advice/news/gossip/etc from someone who goes out of the house looking like this. Dumb ass.