A Letter from Your Older and Smarter Self

Have you ever looked back on a time in your life and wished you could have handled it differently? Perhaps made a different choice? Here is my solution: a letter to your younger self from your older self.

Dear Alexandra,
Here are a few things you should know.

1. Enjoy your mother's hand-me-down Camry. It's free, and someone else pays the car insurance.

2. When you enter your 30's, you will no longer be a size 2. You will have to do things like work in order to pay your mortgage rather than go to the gym and rely on vodka for sustenance. You will no longer be concerned with squeezing into those cute, tiny capris from The Gap. Get over it.

3. Shoes will fit you no matter your size. Invest wisely.

4. You will not need a man to help support you. The only reason you should even entertain the idea of living with one is if he has a large penis and knows how to use it correctly...and often.

5. You will hate most of the people you work with most of the time. This will be the case in every place that you work. Get over it.

6. Everyone will expect you to have babies. This is not a good reason to have any.

7. Everyone will expect you to get married. This is not a good reason to do it.

8. Divorces are expensive. Choose wisely.

9. Chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon will no longer seem like the cool thing to do. Enjoy your cheap and nasty beer while you are young.

10. A good Friday night will no longer consist of frat boys and cigarettes. It will be making sure you stay up late enough to catch Clinton and Stacey on What Not to Wear.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford

P.S. You did inherit your grandmother's hips. Get over it.