Thanksgiving in Eastwick

Mr. Bitchford and I hosted Thanksgiving this year. It was a small crowd that consisted of us, my parents, and Sukie. Everyone brought something, so we didn't have to cook everything. I don't like turkey, so we had a nice pork tenderloin. We did partake of the Thanksgiving-tinis and the Firefly Vodka. Both were very good.

My mother, once again, giggled and spouted out obscenities. Last year, we were at a friend's house, and she kept telling a story that involved the word "cunt." This year, she kept telling a story that involved the word "pussy." This is all very funny because my mother is not the type of woman who screams these types of words at the dinner table, much less the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Sukie had brought me a hostess gift. She brought conversation starter cards. Each card had a question, and everyone would answer the question. One question involved telling a family story that only you could tell. My dad took it upon himself to share a story about his grandfather (my great-grandfather). He said that great-grandpa Bitchford used to tell him that if the preacher came over, then make sure he stayed on great-grandma's lap until he could get back. Get it? ;) Then my mother told the story (involving the same great-grandpa) about how great-grandpa used to say that he didn't know why women didn't rule the world. We controlled the two most important things in the world (money and pussy). We had 75% of the money and 100% of the pussy. He would follow this up by stating that you couldn't wear a pussy out, and then he would ask if anyone had ever seen a pussy on a trash pile.

While I don't think the conversation starter questions had this type of exchange in mind, it was entertaining. The evening ended with everyone taking a nap and being stuffed. Overall, it was an excellent Eastwickean Thanksgiving.

Thanks-tini

My Thanksgiving day recipe:

3/4 oz. vodka or gin

3/4 oz. dry vermouth

3/4 oz. apricot brandy

1/4 oz. lemon juice

maraschino cherry

Cunt: It's What's for Breakfast

Sukie's New Bundle of Joy

I've been M.I.A. lately. It's getting closer to the holidays, and my time is getting away from me. Anyway, Sukie and I adopted some animals the other day. I adopted a beautiful white cat for my nephew. He loves him, and he keeps calling him Mouse and Christopher. Who knows. Anyway, Sukie adopted a dog. I took her picture when she picked her up from the rescue place. She wanted to send out announcements to let everyone know that "It's a girl!" I think she's tired of attending baby showers. At our age, if you do not have a baby, then no one wants to celebrate your life choices. For example, when I worked really hard and got a raise, no one threw me a shower. When I met a wonderful man and decided to live with him...no shower. If I had married him, then I would have had a shower. No one celebrates nontraditional choices. I digress. So, I decided that Sukie should register at Target. You know what? She fucking did. I don't know for sure, but I think she's sending out her announcements and letting her friends know where her new bundle of joy is registered at. I'll be curious to see if her years of financial kindness are repaid.

Bash Alexandra's Ex-Husband Contest

Well, my ex-husband just landed a job in mine and Sukie's division. He won't be on our floor or anything, but there will be times when we have to work with him. What the fuck? What in the fuck was someone thinking? Sukie thinks that most people don't even know he's my ex-husband because I was always too ashamed to tell anyone. Here's where you come in. Sukie has declared a verbal assault on him. Please comment and tell us some of the hateful things she should say and/or possibly do to him. The winner will win the satisfaction of knowing that you brightened my day with your hateful words. I guess I should look at the bright side. I'll have a hell of a lot more blogging material now.

Religion and Such

I actually heard someone say that if you voted for Obama, then you were going to hell. I found this logic odd, and a small part of me wished that I could just believe that. I don't know if this is true or not, but it appears that life is just simple for people who believe things like this. They have their beliefs and that's that. Since I was a child, I've always needed a good, solid answer. I've always wanted to think about things and analyze them...to death sometimes. I always found myself weighing all of the options. I'm not afraid to make a pros and cons list either. I don't really know how to respond to people who say things like this. I've decided that maybe I should respond to situations like this with song. I've copied the lyrics of my all-time favorite gospel song below. The next time I'm confronted by someone who I feel is using his/her religion as a weapon, then I'm gonna whip this out on 'em. What do you think? I mean, really, who doesn't love a gospel song with the word "whore" in it? Oh, and as a side note, I especially love the Wall Street reference. Carry on, now.



If they saw Him riding in,
long hair flying in the wind,
Would they love Him down in Shreveport today?

If they heard He was a Jew
and a Palestinian too,
Would they love Him down in Nashville today?

If they saw Him talk with ease
to the junkies, whores, and thieves,
Would they love Him out in Wichita today?

Would the rich men think it funny
if He said give up your money?
Would they love Him up on Wall Street today?

If He made the wine from water,
gave it to their sons and daughters,
What would the folks in Salt Lake City say?

If He talked of brotherhood
as he walked their neighborhoods,
Would they love Him up in Boston today?

If He said love those who use you,
and forgive those who abuse you,
If He turned the other cheek,
what would you say?

Would you laugh and call Him crazy,
and just send Him on his way,
If Jesus came to your town today?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

I was up very early this morning because Mr. Bitchford had to be at work. I usually get up and try to help him get ready. All of the animals go bat shit crazy, so it's not like I could sleep anyway. So, I was telling him goodbye, and we saw a truck go driving by the house. Not unusual...except, his back left tire was missing. He was only driving on the rim! He wasn't creeping down the road either. So, knowing what you guys know about Eastwick, you'll understand why I had to get in my car and follow him. Mr. Bitchford had to be at work, so I had to make sure I didn't miss anything. I followed him to a big intersection, and he made a right. He switched over to the left hand lane because we all know that you can go really fast on a rim. ;) I kept trying to get beside him because I was convinced he wouldn't have any pants on, or he would smile at me and have no teeth. Is this sterotyping the folks on Cops? Yes. Moving on...I was starting to think that maybe I was just a little nuts for finding this funny, and then my phone rang. It was Mr. Bitchford. He wanted to know what was happening and if I had gotten close enough to see if the guy had teeth or not. Oh, I love that man of mine. We are a good match.

No Communion for Democrats

Check this out. This isn't in Eastwick, but that's only because I don't think Eastwick allows Catholic churches within its city or county limits. Why is this what makes the news?

Work Crap

I was offered a new position today. Technically, it would be more of a leadership role, but I do have questions about how much authority I would really have. The way it was written made me feel like "they" were selling it to me. If it's such a wonderful opportunity, why does it need to be sold?

I really thought about taking it. I made my pros and cons list. I wrote down all of my questions. It made me realize that I would be accepting the position to please the president of my company. I know he's depending on me, but this isn't what I want to do. The last time I made a decision to please other people...well, I ended up married. It didn't work out that well, and people were hurt in the end.

I feel like I've been climbing some imaginary ladder to fucking nowhere. I'm not sure where I want to go. I do get frustrated because it feels like the kiss asses and the fuck ups get all of the credit. Is that just the way it goes?

I'll tell the president (in the morning) that I'm not taking the job. He's expecting me to take it, so I hope he isn't too upset. It just doesn't feel right. Send me some good vibes.

It's a new day!

What Looks Good to One....

does not look so good to another. A friend of mine has decided to start getting back out in the dating scene. She has a lot to offer, and any man would be lucky to get the opportunity to buy her dinner. I have a few people in mind, but I thought I would ask around. There aren't many YEPs in Eastwick. That would be a Young Eastwick Professional. So, I asked this woman if she had any single friends. She says that she has a friend who is yummy looking and very nice. Score! Well, my friend looks him up on MySpace, and he is not yummy. I know there is more to a person than looks, but there really isn't when you are just wanting to go out on the town with a hot man. I think I may have to define yummy for this other woman.

George? Yummy.



Brad? Yummy.


Taye? Yummy.


Danny Devito? Funny...maybe. Sweet...maybe. Yummy? NO!


Now I have to figure out the best way to tell her that I looked at her friend on MySpace, and this will not work out for my friend. It's official. I have no future in matchmaking.

Friendships and Politics

This has been on my mind lately for several reasons. One, Jessie at David's Doll mentioned it yesterday. Two, when you live in Eastwick, there are a limited number of people who are left-thinking. I'm friends with a lot of people who more than likely voted for McCain or would have voted for any candidate over Obama. I do think that a person can be a fiscal conservative and not look at the social issues. I do have friends like that. On the other hand, most of the "Republicans" in Eastwick just spew hate...at least the ones I have had contact with.

I have one friend who I do struggle with. I really like her because she's a lot of fun. Our friendship isn't shallow, though. She happened to be my friend when I really needed someone like her in my life. We're just very different. She attends the local mega church, and she is always inviting me. It makes me want to keep my distance. She came to visit me the other day and started talking about that "black man" that wanted to be president. This made me cringe too. I had to put up my hand and say stop. I explained that we couldn't talk about those things and remain friends. It was her choice. She chose to change the subject, thank goodness.

I guess what I'm pondering is how much is too much? Can you be friends with someone who may hold beliefs that you find downright offensive? Hmmmm.

Question

I was looking at the map today and studying the pretty blue states. Should I move to New York?

BTW, check this site out now. Nice. :)

Election Day!

Make sure you go vote today...unless you're voting a McCain/Palin ticket. ;)

We went to visit my in-laws this past weekend, and my mother-in-law had a little treat for me. I've been under major stress at work lately, and I'm just tired of listening to the typcial Eastwickean bullshit. She knew this and had a surprise ready. I went to the bathroom, on Halloween night, and I found the following.

Too funny, right? She totally made Sarah Palin a witch and put her in the toilet. I'm not sure, but I think Mr. Bitchford tried to pee on her a few times. I wonder if Sarah likes the golden shower? Hmmm.

At one point, one of the house guests decided to become Sarah.

It was a relaxing and uneventful time. I've already voted, but I'm getting ready to go to our polling place. I've got my camera ready, and I want to see if there is any action. Please report back to the bitches and let us know what you see out there today.