Online Friends

Our online friend, Jessie, blogged about this last week or so. She was talking about the differences between friends and online friends. It really got me to thinking. First of all, I live in an area away from my family. I have a little group of friends who I depend on when something bad goes wrong. After my NJG passed away last week, I realized that I depend on my online friends, as well. One of the first things I did was log on and tell you guys what had happened. It comforted me to read your comments. Some of you know me personally, but some of you don't. It was nice to know that a "stranger" from God knows where was thinking about me and my sweet dog. I think online friends, much like other friends, are what you make of them. So, thank you guys for listening to me rant and rave and listening to me grieve for my NJG. You guys rock!

My Sweet NJG

My sweet, sweet NJG just passed away. It happened so fast. The cancer took over her kidneys and lungs. She didn't feel well last night, and she woke me up @3:00 a.m. I have a friend who is a vet, and she came over. She went to sleep at home in her favorite bed. I don't know what to do with myself. I just keep walking around the house in circles. I can't believe that after 13 years, she just isn't here anymore. I know I did the right thing. I didn't want her to suffer.
She has been constant happiness in my life. There is no way to really explain how you love an animal. Please wish her peace today. I know her little soul is better now. Thanks for listening.

Eastwickean-like Naiveté

Have you ever gotten one of those spam e-mails from the Nigerian prince who promises to bestow upon you millions of dollars if only you help him out by sending money to finance his immigration to America before the insurgents there kill him because he’s royalty?

Yeah, me, too.

Only, I know better than to send him money.

A Texas doctor didn’t. Seriously. A doctor. He sent him $27,000, hoping for a $2 million dollar return on his investment. (Note: if you google “Nigerian money,” you get a dozen sites about the scam). What a complete moron! Glad he wasn’t my doctor…although I am now considering testing all potential doctors myself before allowing them to diagnose and/or treat me.

Clearly, a medical degree ain’t enough.

The Problem with Eastwick (And Most Places)

I'm sure you've heard the news about little Lindsay "Coke head" Lohan. Nancy Grace has blasted her for two nights in a row. When someone would call in to wonder aloud why Nancy Grace was using Lindsay Lohan as news, she would quickly point out (in her Southern twang) that there were DUI victims to the left of the screen. Leave Lindsay alohan already! She's doing what a lot of 21 year old college kids are doing. She's just famous and followed around all day. Besides, why is she news?
Moving on to Beyonce. Beyonce fell. That's it. She fell, hair weave and all, down twelve steps. This is news. I actually heard a woman talking about this at the drug store today. "Did you hear that Beyonce fell down twelve steps and asked the crowd not to put it on Youtube?" Ummm, no. Why would I give a shit? Bitch fell. If she broke a leg, she could damn sure afford to buy a new one.
People! There is a war going on. There is an upcoming election. Families don't have any health coverage. Ever heard of North Korea? What the fuck????
I'm all about a little mindless T.V. every once in awhile, but it really shouldn't be the only thing you can talk about.

An Eastwickean Type of Woman

http://www.tmz.com/2007/07/21/mitt-catches-s-t-over-hillary-bashing-sign/

Check it out. This woman isn't in Eastwick, but I feel like she might as well be. What the fuck lady? You get the apostrophe correct, but you can't spell? I've finally figured out that it's not poor Eastwick's fault. Eastwick is a very beautiful place to live. It's the stupid fuck-ups that inhabit it.

An Eastwick Weekend

I've got hot plans this weekend. First, I'm going to my friend's house to get my hair cut. Yep! She's got a beauty parlor right smack dab in her house, people. While I pride myself on having "good" hair and staying with the styles, I realized that I go to Betty's Beauty Box to get my hair did. Once I get my fabulous 'do, I will go to visit my sister. There are some hot plans there too. We're going to blow up one of my nephew's new water slides and set it up right in the front yard. Yep! Right in the front yard! Once we get tired of playing on this giant, reduced-price Big Lots toy, we can always head over to the next door neighbor's swimming hole. We'll probably finish off the evening with one of our favorite drinks we invented called The Pink Squirrel. It's a tribute to Crystal on Roseanne. Don't ask. I also can't forget that my mangy dogs will be underfoot the entire weekend begging for scraps of food and barking at people they know. Add in one nephew who likes to peel all of his clothes off and run around naked outside, one brother-in-law who insists on white swim trunks, a sister who refuses to wear shoes all weekend, and Mr. Bitchford who is covered in tattoos, and you have yourself one helluva redneck weekend. Ya'll come back now...Ya hear!

Bret "Weavin" Michaels

I am ashamed too. I'm also thinking of suing Bret Michaels for fraud. He looked hella fine from our nose bleed seats. He was still rockin' those blue jeans like nobody's business. He shows up on this lame ass show with a hair weave, hair plugs, and pancake make-up on! Fraud! Why would one need a hair weave and hair plugs? Because he's old and did not take care of himself in his youth. And who knew he was such a short, tiny man? I do have to say, though, that I have a favorite. (still very ashamed) I like Heather the bitchy stripper. She has spunk...or spunk on her...or just spunk??? Anyway, she has attitude. I'm thinking I should stop watching the show because I feel the brain cells evaporating each Sunday night. I doubt I will. Rock of Love is like crack rock. It's so bad for you, yet it is so good.

I admit it...

I can't believe that these two programs are actually on the air. More importantly, I can't believe I've watched them:

1) Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. Granted, I just went to a Poison concert last month, and Bret Michaels still looked damn good from where I was sitting. But I wouldn't fight with a bunch of hussies for the pleasure of screwing him. And yet, I am amused by women who do just that. I particularly like when Bret, in complete and total seriousness, discusses his instant "connection" with one of the women: "It was like our souls touched...she has a great rack." Nice, Bret, really, nice. I laughed my ass off...way better than Flavor of Love, which just made me want to vomit the few times I was forced to watch it. Oh, and I do love how the episodes play off Poison song titles...I mean, what's not to love about an episode entitled "Talk Dirty to Me" in which the Bret-lover-hopefuls engage in a phone-sex challenge???

2) Scott Baio is 45 and Single. OMG! I swear, nothing is funnier than Charles in Charge trying to figure out, with the help of a life coach, why he isn't married...especially when he's signing autographs with Joanie, and his wanna-be-a-frat-boy 45+ pal comes in to tear him away...for fun with strippers. Hmmm...Scott...I don't know why you're single.

NJG

I came up with a brilliant plan this week. I've always "tucked" my precious doggie in every night. I had started kissing on her little belly because that is where her tumors are. I'm still kissing on her little belly at night, but now I am sending all of her cancer to Michael Vick, the sorry fucker.

Again, My Job Doesn't Always Suck

Sukie and I got off early today and decided to spend our afternoon drinking beer on her deck. Woo Hoo! Not only did we get to bitch about Michael Vick, but we also got to come up with creative ways to punish him. Fun! BTW, don't forget to write your letter to Nike. They really need to drop this useless piece of dried up shit. I hate giant corporations! I digress. Sukie and I had a brilliant afternoon, and then Mr. Bitchford showed up with Kentucky Fried Chicken. It sure was nice to catch a little buzz and finish it off with greasy ass chicken. So, don't forget to write your letter and have a kick ass weekend.

Work Can Rock...Sometimes

There is one project that I actually work on without Sukie. Can you believe that? Anyway, I had to go out of town this week for this project, and I must say that the other people involved rock out. I showed up at our parking lot with my fabulous Betsey Johnson luggage. I was ready to roll. When I opened the back of the van, there was not only a fully stocked cooler, but there were also bags of liquor bottles. You can imagine how happy I was. I spent three glorious days with these wonderful colleagues, who I don't really get to see all that much. Our director even had a designated "party room," and it stayed open until the wee hours of the morning. On our second night there, she even provided us with good cigars. Why can't all directors and colleagues have work environments like this? When we are at work, we all do a really good job on this project. When we get to go out of town for training or for presenting, our director makes sure everyone has a good time and that we really bond. It's because she's a woman isn't it? Now, Sukie, you need to figure out how to get on board with us!

This idiot from Delaware keeps calling my cell phone. Over and over and over. It started last night—right after I’d fallen into a good, deep sleep. It ruined my whole night.

Now, it’s been going on all day. Every couple of hours, the darn thing rings again…and there is one of three different Delaware numbers there. I KNOW NO ONE IN DELEWARE. Yet, whoever this is keeps calling my number DESPITE the fact that my voicemail clearly says my name and despite the fact that the last several times, I screamed into the phone, “STOP CALLING ME! I don’t know YOU! You don’t know ME! Stop dialing this number!!” And more recently: “OLA! Do You Habla espanol? NO MAS! NO MAS CALL! Comprende?” (Yes, that’s about the most Spanish I know—and it’s about all the foreign language I know…) The answer is almost always the same: a few “Hello??”s followed by confused silence with breathing. You would think the fact that he’s used three different phones to call the same number might be some indication that I am not his friend…I am not whoever he is trying to reach. One time, I even rang him back and asked, “WHY?? Why do you keep calling me? I don’t know you. You don’t know me. Stop calling this number!!” Just now, it happened again, and I answered sweetly, “Hello?” And he says, “Hello.” And I say, “Seriously. Stop calling me. Just stop. I don’t know you. Stop.” He hung up…and will undoubtedly call again. ARGH!!!

I am SO annoyed…but the people in my office think it’s really funny—they laugh every time I start screaming into the phone again. UNBELIEVABLE!!

Pay Attentivision

Today we had a training workshop at work: conflict negotiation and resolution. One of the local Eastwick cops came in to teach it. And now I know what is wrong with this place in which I have for some inexplicable reason chosen to live. Here are the notes I wish I could give to the speaker:

Dear Deputy,

First of all, if you can't pronounce the words in your PowerPoint, don't use them. Pick smaller words, words you know. That way when you hit conciliation, you won't stumble over it three times before settling on communication (2 entirely different things) and have to be corrected by an audience member. PS: Besides making you look like the redneck moron you are, this causes your audience to question your credibility as an authority on the topic. If you can't pronounce the word, do you really know what it means??

Second, simple words that you use frequently throughout the presentation should be practiced. Take, for example, the word attentive, as in "You need to be attentive to the needs of others." Note how many syllables the word has; in this case, three. Make sure that each time you practice it, you use the correct number of syllables. Also, make sure you don't add letters that aren't there. It's attentive, not attentative (4 syllables)...which when you say it in certain circumstances, as in, "You need to have attentative ear," your audience hears, "a tentative ear." Again, you invoke two entirely different meanings. You mean, we should pay attention to what's being said. We hear that we should listen hesitantly, not carefully.

Third, make sure you actually understand the material you are presenting. For example, when you read aloud that "conflict arises from competing needs," you should know that means the competing needs of two (or more) different parties, not the competitive nature of one individual. You see, any intelligent person reading the slide can understand that the original author from whom you lifted it was trying to explain that people get into arguments with one another because their different needs are conflicting. For example, I need disorder in my life; my boyfriend needs order. This leads to arguments. It does not mean that I create a conflict because I "want the new Jordans that everyone else has." PS: Jordans aren't even cool anymore...get with the times, bud!

Fourth, all your little speakerly mishaps are not ok just because you approach me post-lecture to let me know that you're "just a good ole Southern boy" and tell me about how one time you told your Yankee English teacher if she didn't like the way we talk down here, she should just go back up North. Now, you're just an intolerant @ss. PS: I got that you're a good ole redneck pretty clearly when you described a common conflict between you and your wife: "I want pancakes for breakfast, but I wake up and she made grits. Is that a conflict? Yes. Because she should know what I want for breakfast." Again, you're an @ss.

Which brings me to #5...don't mention topics you clearly know nothing about...as in DIVERSITY! Diversity means, you know, like, different groups of people: men, women, blacks, whites, gays, lesbians, Middle Easterners, Asians, Christians, Jewish people, Atheists, etc. This relates to conflict because in many cases, people do not accept people from different backgrounds/cultures/religions, which can lead to conflict, but if we are to properly employ conflict negotiation and resolution, we need to be aware of and accepting of diversity. On the contrary, diversity does NOT mean we're different people now than we were 30 years ago. For example, this is NOT an example of diversity in the workplace: "When I was growing up, we had a 19-inch television, and today people have, like, 54-inch televisions and home theaters! SO diversity is an issue in conflicts." I don't even know what that has to do with anything...but here's the point:

Don't talk crap you don't know. The end.

Love,
Sukie

Update on My Doggie

We took my doggie back to her cancer specialist today. It has been six weeks since she was diagnosed, and she is doing great. The doctor had given her about a week or so, so you can imagine how excited I am. One of her tumors shrunk, and the other one is the same size. There were some new spots on her liver, but I'm not going to dwell on that. She's sick, and I know it. I'm just glad she responded well to the meds and that she is still able to do everything she wants. Her doctor was very optimistic and said we would just take it week by week. Rock on NJG!

Natalie Dee Rocks

Have any of you ever heard of Natalie Dee? If you are having a bad day, visit her site. This is one of my many favorites.

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Stealing

Why do people think it is ok to steal other people's words? It is no different than if you walk up to me and take my purse! As everyone knows, Sukie and I work with a bunch of dullards. Since they are all dullards, they tend to "borrow" our work. What amazes me is that these same people talk about how awful it is when someone plagiarizes your work! I'm pissed as hell, and I don't know exactly what to do about it. If I confront this person, then I will be seen as a mouthy bitch because I am a woman standing up for myself. Maybe I just need a strap-on, and people will leave me the fuck alone. Apparently being a man means something around this place.

You're Gonna Look Like Cooked Spaghetti

ABC After School Specials were awesome.
You want my purple socks...I'll give them to you!

A picture's worth a thousand...

Would you hire this lawyer? I know I wouldn't. He looks like he's had one too many hits off the crack pipe. Surely he knows this. Or someone at his firm does. Why is his picture on the webpage? Really...

Happy 4th Bitches!

I took off for the beach today to meet up with ALL of my family. I was actually looking forward to it because I haven't had a vacation in awhile. Lord knows Sukie and I deserve one. BTW, Sukie, your ass should be here! Anyway, I was on my way out of Eastwick when a peroxide bitch comes flying up behind me in her shiny, new Jetta. She was about 18 and was on her cell phone. Apparently, I was not going fast enough. I was going 10 miles over the speed limit, but this was not enough for her. I immediately slammed on my brakes because nothing would please me more than having her designer lip gloss smeared all over her special edition leather steering wheel. Bitch was fast, though. She swerved to the left and barely missed me. I was somewhat disappointed because I would have loved nothing more than her daddy buying me my own shiny, new Jetta. We got to a stoplight, and she zoomed past giving me the Eastwickean bird. This is what really happened. Here is what I wanted to happen:
We pull into the next McDonald's and both clamor out of our cars. She immediately begins screaming at me about being a slow ass driver. I'm silent with rage. She then walks towards me bobbing her head and waving her arms. This is where I catch one of her arms in mid air. I then proceed to tell her that if she even thinks of saying one more word to me that I will punch her in the face and ruin all of that expensive orthodontic work that daddy paid for. Then I will wrap her peroxide weave around my hand and rip her bald! Woo Hoo!
I really just flipped her off right back, called her a stupid whore, and continued with my drive to the beach. Happy 4th!

Happy 4th!!

Did you see Takeru Kobayashi lose his title as the world's hot dog-eating champ? Yuck!



These things usually gross me out, but Kobayashi's "reversal" ( I love that they use the term "reversal" for vomit) really takes the cake. He vomits after eating like 63 hot dogs and then, despite the fact that this automatically disqualifies him, throws up his hands to hold it all in, swallows it, and keeps eating! Oh my heck!

It is truly disgusting. Truly. Perhaps more perplexing, though, is why this is considered a sport and why it's broadcast on ESPN.

Happy Fourth of July, ya'll (hope you're not having hot dogs!)!!

Queries

• Question 1: Why do people lie in front of people who know the truth?
• Question 2: Why do people assume that if, in response to a question, they keep talking (and talking and talking), the askers will forget they haven't answered the question asked in the first place?
• Question 3: Why do people lie when it won't actually benefit them in any possible way?