It's NOT 1952!

I got good news this week. I no longer have to carry Private Mortgage Insurance on my home because I've paid over 20% of it off. Yea for me! I received a check today because I was owed a small amount of money as a difference in the last payment. $7.58! I know that's not a lot, but stay with me here. I get the check, and it is made out to my ex-husband. He's still on the mortgage, but he no longer owns the house. Long story short, he signed a piece of paper that he shouldn't have in the divorce. The outcome...I own the home, but we both are still on the mortgage loan. So, I call the insurance company that issued the check and explained my situation. They told me that I would have to mail proof to them that I own the home. What? But, my name is on the mortgage loan. That's how they got his name in the first place. I explain this to the woman. Silence. I say, "Don't you see my name on the loan?" She says, "Yes." I say, "Then can't you just issue me a check? Why would you send it just to him anyway. I'm on the loan." Silence. I say, "Does your company think it's still 1952 and that I'm Donna Reed? Why can't I get my $7.58 that you owe me?" She says, "Well, you'll just have to send proof." I screamed and hung up. Now I'm plotting my next attack. I will be calling this company in the morning and bitching some more. I will call them every morning until I get my check! I know it's just a few dollars, but it's mine. It's not my alcoholic, cheating, bad with money, balding, nerdy, piece of shit, cheap, asshole, useless ex-husband's!

Sex in the City

The Sex and the City movie will open in theaters tomorrow. I'm a huge fan, and I plan on dragging Sukie to this movie. I do have a few bones to pick before I see the movie. I decided to write a letter. Here it goes.

Dear Carrie Bradshaw,
You are a fucking liar. There is no way that you are a "writer" in New York and are able to spend the money you do. $40,000 worth of shoes? Really? Bitch, please. First of all, I don't believe it. Second of all, if it is true, you should be slapped. Hard. Let's now move on to your girlie breakfast time with Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. Do you really want us to believe that you have a nice apartment, designer clothes, designer shoes, and you get to eat breakfast out...in the city...every day...on a writer's salary? Again. Not buying it.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the escape from reality that you provided me every Sunday night for an hour. It was nice to pretend that one could live that lifestyle and really be content and happy. I shall be at your movie with bells on. I know you won't disappoint.
Sincerely,
Alex

P.S. I read somewhere that Miranda was the true sexual freak because nice girls don't dye their hair that color. Is this true?

P.S.S. Tell Mr. Big that I would totally do him.

Off the Market

A woman I work with, the Peroxide Queen, has recently taken to the Internet to find a man. I've had SO much fun with this! She's not off to a great start, so I thought I would look on Craigslist and see what people had to offer. Here is what I found in the men seeking women section.

Looking for gold in a field of boogers. - 37
Points for creativity? I don't know.

Looking For A Lady with a Love for Anal - 50
Who isn't about the anal love? ;)

Looking for lunch and a midday frolic - 42
If I were single, I would so call him.

44yr old Business Owner seeking 20-something woman - 44
Yeah. You and every other nasty fucker, buddy.

Dating or Cunilingus - 22
Not a good speller. At least he's a giver?

Free Male Masturbation Show for You or Your Friends! - 30
I would seriously like to call him. "Masturbation man? This is Alexandra. I would like to bring all of my girlfriends over and watch you whack off." Ugh!

Athletic & Successful Guy Looking for Sexy, Intelligent Female - 27
What do you want to bet he lives with his parents?

I'm glad I'm off the market. I do feel bad for Peroxide Queen. Who knows? Maybe her love is waiting to whack off for her as we speak.

I took detailed notes

So Mr. Dumbshit starts off the meeting today, giving his little spiel. Here are my notes from that part:

• Module is not a verb. You can't say "We module to X." I moduled to work today? I module in my spare time? No, that's a noun, jackass.


• Ummm...no, that's not really true at all. Does he know the meaning of the word overt?


• I should not be allowed in meetings with him anymore because I can NOT maintain a neutral expression (FYI: Alex later confirmed this is very true--I failed again).


• OMG--that's a BLATANT, bold-faced lie! WTF!?!?!


• I need a pill before I lose it.

Then it was our turn, and of course, we rocked the house. We whipped up a PowerPoint, gave our little spiel and handouts, and everyone loved us. That's because we're not slack-asses--even when we have less than a day to prepare. So, there (she said, pushing imaginary paper in Mr. Dumbshit's direction).

Sukie and Alex Ride the Bus Part 2

Today was an interesting bus day. We arrived at our stop, and we were "greeted" by a bunch of teenagers. They were dressed like most teenagers in our area...baggy jeans, gold chains, hats, and oversized t-shirts. They were also loud. Not just loud, but really gross and rude kind of loud. Pretty much any variety of the word fuck was screamed. They were all black and felt the need to make fun of all the white people on the bus. They were screaming stuff like, "Look at Forrest run! Dumb motherfucker!" This is pretty typical of Eastwick. It's racially divided. The young adult sitting behind me was watching raunchy rap videos on his/her Ipod and screaming something about naked bitches doing lap dances.

The bad thing is that it made me realize why people don't believe in social programs and/or their tax dollars going to public education. It made me think about why I vote like I do. Are my tax dollars really helping these young people? Are they really getting the type of education they need? I'm not even talking about academics, but just about human decency. None was present on the bus today; however, I did see one young girl sitting up front. She had her Ipod on, and she was busy highlighting a textbook. I'm sure it isn't easy for her to ignore the others. She might even get made fun of for studying. When I run into the fucktards of society, like I did today, I try to remember that the majority is not like this. Most people who need a little help really want to make something of themselves.

On a side note, the little fuckers got trapped at our bus stop because the other bus wasn't running on Memorial Day. Take that you foul mouthed bitches! ;)

Dumbshit Should be His Name

I really like it when my project director schedules a meeting with people from an outside company--at which we are supposed to report on the project and how it's going--and he e-mails my team and I Monday morning to tell us about said meeting, which is tomorrow.

It is even more annoying that he writes, "Don't forget the meeting w/ X tomorrow" when he never even fucking told us there was going to be a meeting tomorrow until today!

What a fucking idiot.

I want to shoot myself in the head.
Instead, I'll go work on that presentation.

Ahhh...The Smokey Aroma

I was going through some boxes in the attic, and I found a treasure from my teenage years. It was a Skid Row t-shirt! I loved Sebastian Bach. The hair, the lips, the long and lean body, everything. He was perfection to me. I still love the look, but I now refer to it as the smokey aroma. I have taken shit for liking kinda dirty, long haired men for awhile. Everyone thinks it's funny and out of character for me. I don't care. I still love me some smokey aroma. Here is a tribute to my Skid Row t-shirt. May it rest in peace because it will never again stretch across my breasts.

Eastwickeans and Traffic Laws

First, let me just get this out of my system. I FUCKING HATE THESE PEOPLE! Ok. I feel a little bit better now. Recently, there have been talks about stiffer fines for drivers who hit cyclists. Eastwick is not a friendly or safe place for these people. Mr. Bitchford is an avid cyclist and has been since he was very young. It scares him so bad here that he rarely rides anymore. That makes me sad. A story ran in the paper and here are some quotes from these fuckholes.

"The idea that stiffer fines for motorists involved in collisions with cyclists would increase safety or decrease accidents is rank stupidity. The people who are doing the bulk of the riding around here are Hobbyists who expect the world to roll over and the laws of physics to change because of their new toys."

"I enjoy riding my bike and my motorcycle too, but I don't hold up traffic on busy roads just "because I have a right to". I don't try to influence the direction of fast moving tanker trucks by giving hand signals or shoving my sweaty shiny spandex butt in the air."

"People, if you impede traffic and create dangerous situations with your hobby YOU will pay the price. Don't blame it on someone else. Face the reality and pull over, you might not break your record time but you will be helping the hobby for everyone."

Dude, wtf? I guess I take this personally because I fear that one day Mr. Bitchford will be hit on his bike. I would claw the motherfucker's eyes out who did that. I know it scares him because when he was young, he lost a friend in a bad cycling accident. Someone hit the guy, and it killed him. Mr. Bitchford has a bent bicycle wheel tattooed on him, but that is pretty much all he will say about that.

Why are people so fucking ignorant? Do they just not read the basic traffic manual?

Sukie and Alex Ride The Bus

With the price of gas skyrocketing and in an attempt to save not only money but also the environment, Alexandra and I have decided to forgo driving for public transportation. In Eastwick, this means riding the bus.

If anything, the bus is good blog material. Yesterday morning, when all we poor people at the bus stop were loading on, this big black guy does a double-take in my direction. "Whoa," he says, I thought you was Jennifer Tilly. Anybody ever tell you you look just like Jennifer Tilly?" Alex starts laughing because, in fact, both she and Mr. B have told me this since I went dark. And it just so happens that Revlon Color Silk was on sale at Target for $2.50, so I just darkened back up.

I laugh and explain that Alex and Mr. B. have both said that. He looks at me again, hard. "You sure you ain't her?"

"Yeah."

Him: "I was gonna say, man, times are tough when Jennifer Tilly's got to ride the bus."

(Don't ask me what Jennifer Tilly's doing getting on a bus in Eastwick.)

We all laugh at that, and the discussion turns to the ridiculous price of gas.

Now, we're barelling down the road towards work. Big Black Guy (BBG) declares, "Why we begging them for more oil? Why we don't just take it? We been over there for how long spending billions of dollars...come on, why we don't just take it? That's what I'd do--don't ask just take it!" Everyone on the bus laughs a little but contemplates that idea for a minute. Then, BBG asks, "Hey, Jennifer Tilly--you ever seen Mind of Mencia?"

"Yeah."

"I was watching that the other day and he was talking about how them people over there hate pigs and we ought to just start bombing 'em with pigs. You know, drop pigs on 'em."

This gets everyone laughing.

He says, "But really think about it: we could spend millions of dollars to drop some bombs and end this war, take the oil, or we could spend a whole lot less on pigs."

Alex says, "PETA wouldn't like that."

I say, "We could outfit them with parachutes. That way they wouldn't be harmed. They'd land alive and just start running around."

The visual of this gets us both laughing again.

And that's what you get when you ride the Eastwick bus. Forget ANWR. Drop some pigs in the Middle East, and our oil concerns will be erased. The War on Terror will be over, and we will be the clear victors--and we'll have saved a bunch of money while we're at it.

Ah, the wonders of public transportation...

*Sigh*

249 days and counting...

Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Today we watched the California Supreme Court make one small step for California...

Let us only hope it proves to be a giant leap for Americans.

As California goes, may the nation also go.

Amen.

(Onward, noodly pirates!!)

Alexandra says...

Ditto, Sukie! :) Seriously, when John Edwards bounded up to the podium and shook Obama's hand, it was magic. From the beginning I've wanted an Edwards/Obama ticket or an Obama/Edwards ticket. I'll take either one. John Edwards is the freakin' American dream, as is Barack Obama. It's alive and well, and we can capture that dream for all Americans in 2008. President Obama! I too am fired up and ready to go!

Sukie Says...

I just got all hot and bothered watching John Edwards and Barack Obama on stage together.

Man, ain't they a handsome pair? What a good looking ticket that would be: Obama/Edwards '08.

So...in case you missed it (and to get a bit more serious), John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama tonight. He will throw not only his support but the support of his 18 delegates in Obama's direction. In his words, "The Democratic voters have made their choice, and so have I. There is one man who knows and understands that this is a time for bold leadership, a time to create the lasting change needed...one man who knows in his heart it's time to create 1 America, not 2, and that man is Barack Obama."

Now, listening to the two of them talk...man, I am telling you what--there's nothing like these two together to make you feel hopeful again, make you believe that America can turn around, that change can happen...and will...and that President Obama will be the one to do it.

Sukie is fired up and ready to go.

Obama/Edwards '08: This is our moment.

We Are ONE America!

John Edwards endorses Obama! More to come from Sukie and Alexandra...tune into CNN NOW!

Do We All Turn Into Our Mothers?

It's Mother's Day, and I'm not a mother. Instead of bitching about a holiday that I can't take part in, I decided to reflect on a few things. Have I turned into my mother? My dad has always told me that I remind him of her. When my mom was angry at us as kids, her left eye would twitch. We knew that meant that we had really pissed her off and/or hurt her feelings. I was NOT a good kid, so I got the eye twitching a lot. She was also the mom who would make scenes in the grocery store if she felt that the cashier had charged her incorrectly. On top of that, she was the slowest check writer I know...still is. You know what, though? She is a financial wizard. I look back on my childhood, and I have no idea how she managed my family's modest, blue collar budget. I never remember wanting for anything. I was never hungry. I always had nice, up-to-date clothes. I went on any school and/or church trip that I wanted to go on. I now know this is the reason that she watched that cashier so closely. And, she was the slowest check writer of all time. It would embarrass me because people would clearly be annoyed; however, she has the most beautiful handwriting that I've seen. It's large, loopy, and very lady-like. I wish I could write like that. Recently, when Sukie bought a new home, my mother wanted to do something nice for. She bought her some beautiful, local made knives. She also gave her what she calls "a piece of money." She had met Sukie once. If you cross my mother or worse, hurt her feelings, you will get the eye twitch. But, there is so much more to her than that. So, have I turned into my mother? I hope so.

Right...

Because we know it so well...
Fidiots.

Sukie's Completely Logical Analysis of the Video Posted Below

First of all, no one gets to call on Agent Mulder like that, ok? Totally not cool—especially since that kid sounds nothing like David Duchovny (I mean, I watched the X-Files religiously). And also, is this dumbass video suggesting then that aliens are also explained by creationism? Because I gotta tell ya, when they took me up in that UFO last week…

Second, I am not even going to get into the whole the Bible cannot be taken literally argument here because quite frankly, I think it's a given, and if you don't, you should totally buy these videos for your kid.And tell him to look out for dinosaurs on the way to school next week.

Currently, I’m searching my Bible for the part where it says “death, disease and bloodshed are a consequence of sin.” I’m annoyed they didn’t cite that chapter and verse. I mean, he points to the words in his Bible. He says, "The Bible clearly says..." I can see the words, but I can't see what book of the Bible he's reading. I put those key terms into bible.com, and I got no hits…so I’m just curious—where exactly did God say this? I tried googling it, too, but all I get is more bullshit like this:

I should note that you also get a fun article called "How to build a bomb in a public school system."

But no chapter and verse. Finally, I found a guy who claimed it to be in Romans 5:12, which I looked up (KJ version):

"Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

Not exactly a good paraphrase, now is it? I guess it does have the word "death," which is something.

I found another possibility in 1 Corinthians 15:21-22:

"For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive."

Again, I don't know what Bible fake Agent Mulder is reading, but insofar as I can tell, it ain't the Christian one. Therefore, creationists can't read. (How you like that logic, bitch?)

I also noticed that following this supposed verse, is an explanation beginning with "In Genesis...". Now, it's been a while since I read the thing cover to cover, but I am pretty sure that no other book of the Bible refers to another book by name like that. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. So, clearly, Kid Mulder is reading from a creationist text and not the Bible. In simpler terms, he's a fucking liar.

So if you are following Sukie logic, creationists can't read and are fucking liars.

Don't even get me started on the chick who wrote the note in Agent Mulder's bible...who's she...Scully? Another alien? M'kay.

So now that the technical stuff is out of the way, let's look at the premise based upon this fake Bible verse: Since sin was created by Adam, and death exists because Adam sinned, fossils could not have existed prior to Adam's sin. Uh-huh. I really hope the kiddies for whom this video is intended are following this logic...

Now, because fossils could not have existed before Adam sinned, any fossils recovered by scientists must be from some time between Adam's sin and now. Thus, when scientists find fossils and carbon date them and discover they are millions of years old, they are just wrong. Because the world is only 10,000 years old. After all, the Bible says so. This is what Billy Bob the fucking redneck safari man is trying to explain with his animated collapse of the pile of bones beneath the formerly perfect world.

Therefore, creationists are rednecks.

Then, we're back to fucking dinosaurs not being man-eaters again. Therefore, the theory of evolution is wrong. Follow that? Because dinosaurs were originally vegetarians, we should all believe that they were created on the 6th day--same day as man, which means they can't be millions of years old--only as old as poor, dead Adam. Forget those dinosaur fossils that have been carbon dated. Forget all the scientific proof! Evolution is a hoax designed to make you sin more, and have more death, bloodshed, disease, etc.

Sukie's "logical" conclusion based on this video: creationists believe in aliens, can't read, are fucking liars, and are fucking rednecks, who are destined to lives of death, bloodshed, and disease. (They also probably build public school bombs, but I'm not sure on that).

A Request for Sukie

Dear Sukie,
One of our readers found the following video on youtube:

These videos are created by a group called The Creation Adventure Team. Some of them contain logical ideas like, "An animal's sharp teeth doesn't tell you what food it ate or how it behaved, only that it had sharp teeth. Bears have sharp teeth, but they are vegetarians. Therefore, man and dinosaurs were both created on the sixth day and coexisted peacefully." I hope you caught my sarcasm there. Anyway, the reader thought this would really get your juices going and has requested a good ole Sukie response.

Fuck!

To the dumbass motherfucking piece of useless shit who can't understand the basic rules of the road...the intersection in my neighborhood is NOT a four way stop. When you are going straight, and I am turning left, this does not mean that you can "wave me through" the stop sign first. Here's the problem. You are wrong! Also, if I were to actually turn, then you would gun your engine and run into me. Hence the problem. When I shake my head at you and tell you no, this does not mean that you can call me a stupid bitch that can't drive. Actually, you are the stupid bitch who can't drive. Please be warned that one of these days I will exit my car and beat you with my super hot BCBG spike heel. You are scum. The end.

A Letter from Sukie

Dear Hillary,

It is mathematically impossible for you to win the nomination. Do what's right for us--the Democratic Party--and learn a new trick. It's called humility. Step back. All you're doing is hurting the party--your negative attacks and negative campaigning are only giving John McCain fuel for his fire in November. The very fact that you are willing to do this proves that you are more concerned with yourself than with the party, than with getting a Democrat in office in November. And you're rubbing off on your supporters! Exit polls show that large numbers of your supporters won't vote at all or will vote for John McCain in November if Obama becomes the nominee. I'm not sure what that makes them--selfish on your behalf?? But it doesn't make them good Democrats. (I, for one, would have voted for you if you'd won the nomination--because I'm a Democrat, and that's what a good Democrat would do) Let me borrow your own words: are you ready for a third term of George W. via John McCain?? I know I'm not, so please, please, please stop. Just stop. Let's unify this party sooner rather than later.

Sincerely,

Sukie

PS: A gas tax holiday? Really? Come the **BLEEP** on! Are you a Republican? Because you're acting like one--treating all these middle class, working class, blue collar Americans like they're too damn stupid to figure out that you're offering a ridiculously short-term (hopefully election-winning) solution (saving us about $30 over the course of one summer) for a problem that will just reappear, rearing an even uglier head (the price of a barrel of oil is expected to go up to $200 after summer--think $8/gallon gas) when your little "holiday" is over. Is it really worth the votes you're picking up from conservatives--you know, throwing the rest of us under the bus when you so adamantly claim to be looking out for our best interests??

Barbara Walters...Mistress?

Barbara was on Oprah this afternoon, and she was talking about her affair with married U.S. Senator Edward Brooke. Oprah referred to Barbara as a mistress. She was very upset by this label. She stated that no man had ever "kept" her, so she was not a mistress. So, what was she? A sexual whore to Senator Brooke? I think I would rather have the label of mistress. I also found it odd that both women (Barbara and Oprah) appeared to make light of the fact that Barbara had an affair with a married man. I'm not a saint, but that does seem to be something that one should be ashamed of. Damn, Barbara!

Joke for the Day

Someone sent me this. It's too funny not to share.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Carolina Girl and Her Gimp

These two fucked up my world today. I thought I would stop by Sam's Club and grab some fruit. Fruit has skyrocketed in price, and Sam's is the cheapest place to get it...and it's still good quality. Anyway, there were a shit ton of people in line and a bunch of slack jawed knuckle draggers checking them out. Gimpy, the one who is raised up out of his Jazzy, had already tried to run over my feet in the bread aisle. Carolina Girl, who was with Gimpy, slammed her cart into mine in order to let Gimpy break in line. Bitch. If you will look at the size of her legs, you will see why I wasn't going to scrap with her. She looks like she's been carrying large sacks of taters for her exercise. Anyway, Gimpy slides into line and stands up. I don't mean he feebly stands up. I mean he stands the fuck up and starts loading his 55 lb. bag of dog food onto the conveyor belt. To top off this experience, they both pay separately and with checks. I hate this fucking place.

Happy Anniversary to Us

The Bitches turn a year old tomorrow. Honestly, we are both just too fucking tired and wore out to think of anything cool to do. I would like to thank our readers. You guys allow me to have an outlet for all of my unhealthy anger. If it weren't for you all, I would target all of the Eastwickeans, and I would be in jail. So, thanks! :)