Share the Music

I had never heard this until today--despite the fact that Pink wrote it in 2005 and released it in '06. Anyway, I was impressed, so I'm sharing...

Swing States, Political Signs, and the Infomercial

First of all, is there anyone out there living in a swing state? I've forgotten what it's like to live in a place where I don't have to hide my political affiliation. Second, Mr. Bitchford and I are heading to a swing state on Sunday to Barack the vote. Yep! We're going door-to-door. I was surprised at how organized these people were. I was even sent an email giving me detailed directions on where to go, what to expect, and what's expected of me. I'll have to report back.

Even though I live in Eastwick, I've been pleasantly surprised at all of the Obama/Biden signs in my neighborhood. This is NOT something that you normally see here. My MIL has actually threatened to flog anyone who gets near her sign. She's even bringing it in after dark just like a person might bring in his/her puppy. So, the signs are out, but the assholes are still trying to steal them.

Finally, who watched the Obama infomercial? It was very well done, but I didn't exactly expect it to be a piece of crap. I think it was probably successful in keeping up his momentum and getting people out on Tuesday. I'll be busy getting ready for our trip, but I'll make sure to check in and let you know how it goes.

Angry Soccer Mom

Mr. Bitchford and I went to the mall yesterday. Eastwick finally got a nice anchor store (Dillards), so I wanted to check it out before it got all fucked up and dirty. We were in the parking lot, and we spotted a large SUV. This is not unusual. It had those "this is my family" stickers on the back. You know those soccer moms who put the stickers representing each family member on their cars? Some will even include names. I think this is dangerous because then total strangers know how many kids you have, whether they are male or female, and what their names are. Anyway, we noticed that something was missing on this one. Take a look.



This was with my camera phone, so it's not that great. Do you notice that dad is missing? She's gone and peeled him the fuck off! I thought it was hilarious. Now, look again. A kid is missing too! I didn't notice this, but Mr. Bitchford did. I thought this was fucking funny, and it made me giggle for most of the day. I can think of lots of reasons to peel dad off, but I'm still wondering what the kid did.

praying

Oh, Mighty FSM,
Please help Lorne Michaels find some new talent (SNL is fucked when Amy Poehler leaves after this year). I'm dying here. This is SO not funny. Also, if you could get rid of the exceptionally-not-funny digital shorts, that would be great. I need some funny. I need SNL. And I need SNL to be funny. Thanks, and...
Amen.

PS: Chris Martin (Lead singer of Coldplay),
Time to go up a size, so you don't pop a button open LIVE on national television.
Love,
Sukie

hee hee hee...Joe

See what's new! It's updated daily!
http://www.palinaspresident.us/

• Joe the Chair
• Joe the Lightbulb
• Joe Sixpack
• Joe the little man on a horse
• Joe the mauve sofa
• A note from Lorne Michaels
• Is that a dinosaur walking by the window?
• Just like the movie National Treasure (politics for dummies)
• And hello, there, Neiman Marcus & Saks!

In other words, yes, I am still amused by this...I have to do something while I'm waiting for SNL to come on...thanks, Alexandra.

Must Get Out of this Town

The Special Olympics athletes arrived in Eastwick today. The games begin in the morning. I actually saw/heard an Eastwickean look at a poster, giggle, and say, "Retards." Why am I still here? Jessie, is there room in Beaumont for The Bitches and Mustang Sally?

A Friday Funny

www.superpoop.com

ah ha ha ha

This is hysterical: http://www.palinaspresident.us/
You have to move your mouse all around the room and see that different stuff what happens or what Sarah says.

I've been playing with it for ten minutes.

Some things you have to click more than once--like to open and shut the door. I opened and shut the door like 5 times, and something different happened each time--and it was all funny.

I really like throwing a dart to choose the next kid's name: Rake! ;-)

I also like Lady Justice and her litany of "Supreme Court Cases."

And how when you knock over the trash can, Science falls out.

And if you answer the phone...

Oh, fuck it, I really like it all--it's funny!

Welcome to Eastwick

In a recent article in the online version of the local paper, a protest of civil rights violations was briefly mentioned.

Allow me to share with you some of the comments from readers regarding that article in an attempt to show you what a bigoted, racist place I live in.


Exhibit A:
The Civil Rights Act was the beginning of the end for this country. Minorities made it obvious that they would not conform to the American Way, that being work hard and provide for your family. So to meet Civil Rights the standard of living had to be lowered for everyone so that the hard working people would be closer to the lazy poor people. And the lazy poor people were given more and more money from the government. But it is never enough, they always want more. They want jobs they are not qualified for, they want into schools that they don't meet requirements for, they want the police to let them do whatever they want.
It's time for Americans to take back America.
Exhibit B:
I totally agree with you!

Exhibit C:
Well said! I couldn’t have said that better myself!

These? Are my neighbors.

To Send or Not to Send

I need help. A man that used to work with me sends me political emails all of the time. Some are funny, and some are insulting. I usually just roll with the punches. He doesn't work with me anymore, and we really weren't great friends or anything. So, he sends another this morning. It's titled This is why some people shouldn't be allowed to vote!. Then it says to send it to everyone I know! It turns out that it's a Howard Stern skit. They went on the street and asked some man who he was voting for. He says Obama. They then start to say things like so, you feel like the troops should stay in Iraq. The man responds yes. Basically, they state McCain's positions and policies, but the guy is going to vote for Obama. Ok, whatever. It's just a Howard Stern skit. It just hit me wrong, though. "Send it to everyone you know!" "This is why some people shouldn't be allowed to vote!" This kept repeating in my head. So, I typed up a message.

Dear Mr. Preppypants,

I have a question for you. Why? So that a group of people can get together and create a test for others to take to determine whether or not they are smart enough to vote? That sounds all too familiar to me, Mr. Preppypants. Do you realize it wasn't all that long ago that I wouldn't have been allowed to vote because of my gender? Do you realize if there was a test that your "group" would probably be the ones affected? As I enjoy my cup of coffee on this Sunday morning and know that it's my right to go to church or not go to church, or perhaps be able to talk freely to my partner (yes, my partner because I live with him and am not married) about my political views, well...that's America, and I love it. I don't want to move backwards.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford


So, it's sitting in my draft box. Do I send it or let it go?

Update
I could also send this.

Dear Mr. Preppypants,
Stop listening to the Howard Stern Show and start listening to Meet the Press. Colin Powell just endorsed Barack Obama.

Happy Friday, ya'll!

This is titled Dancing with the Stars.

I have Officially...

fucking seen it all now. Man names baby girl...

Facebook May be the End of Me

First of all, I love Facebook. It's fun to write things that only Sukie can understand. I keep up with my friends and family, but NO HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS. I have one high school friend that I keep in touch with and that's it. I got a friend request tonight. It's from an ex-boyfriend. It's from an ex-boyfriend that the last time I saw him was in fucking court. Why me? There was this friendly little picture of him and his new fucking baby. BTW, all of the high school people have new fucking babies, and the pictures are all over Facebook. If I didn't really like you, what makes you think I'm gonna like your stinkin' baby? I digress. This ex-boyfriend and I had a horrible relationship. It was one of those that every Friday night party would end with one of us throwing something at the other or him throwing me up against something. It was bad. I once threw a picture of his dead mother at him. It cut his eye. I was glad. I told you it was bad. The last straw was when he took my beloved dog and spray painted black dots on her to be funny. That's how we ended up in court. At any rate, why would this man ask me to be his friend on Facebook? I wanted to get all Whitney Houston on his ass and be like, "Hell to the no, motherfucker!" I clicked ignore. BTW, I swear to God that I'm not that crazy anymore. I was 19 years old and fairly drunk the entire time. Please don't judge.

Boob Tube nonsense

I was quite distraught over the demise of Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner's relationship. Make of that what you will. I don't care. I like The Girls Next Door, and I really liked Holly Madison. And I thought, like Hef, that she was in it for the long haul. That show is good laughs. IDK why. Mr. Bitchmont keeps asking, and my answer is the same every time: "I have no idea why I am so amused by this shit." Anyway...

Then, I was even more distraught to read that Hef had already moved some other gals into the house and was considering replacing Holly with...ugh, ick, yuck...Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Sisters. Twins. Now, I'm sorry, girls, but that's where I draw the line. Yup, I draw the line at sharing the rich, saggy millionaire with your 19 y/old, thieving twin (I never claimed to have stellar morals).

So...

Dear Hef,
Please move those nasty twins outta the mansion ASAP. Do not make them girlfriends. In their place, I would like to nominate Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love and I Love Money fame (she was Playboy Cybergirl of the Week once, too).
Love,
Sukie

Yes, I did just admit to knowing who Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love and I Love Money is. Don't judge me (seriously: stop!). I can't help it I find her dumb-blonde-act-hiding-an-inner-evil-bitch thing amusing. Really, she's the only reason I checked into I Love Money.

You know who else I'd like to see on TV again? Heather, also from Rock of Love. She? Was HIL-arious.

The end.

Pole Time!

Ok. Well, not that kind of pole, but I had to get your attention.

PBS Poll

We All Need Some Laughter

These cartoons come from a site called Superpoop. You've seen The Bitches post Natalie Dee cartoons, and this is Natalie's husband, Drew. These are too fucking funny not to share. Enjoy!

Palin Clears Herself

Seriously?

Here it is.

Next in The Eastwickean News, Alexandra Bitchford beats the shit out of annoying woman with funky glasses. She then goes on to clear herself with her own report. So, that makes it true. Duh!

Rachel Ray: The Corn Star

A friend brought this video to my attention. It's. Just. Funny.
Enjoy!

B.C.

A man that I worked with passed away last night. He was one of those people that was always upbeat. He would laugh loudly at my off-color jokes. If I knew B.C. was going to be in a meeting, I didn't mind going. I met him when I first entered the workforce. I was fresh meat in the workplace, and B.C. always made me feel welcome. I never met his partner, but I can't imagine how he is feeling today. I hope he has a good support system. Here's a song for B.C. You'll be missed.

The Little Willies "cover" "Roll On"
Uploaded by xavier210487

Much Ado About Nothin'

Since I'm goin' to be talkin' about Sarah Palin, I've decided to drop all of my g's. Seriously, I can't do that. It's as annoying in writing as it is on television. I haven't blogged about the VP debate because there isn't much to say. Joe Biden plugged his candidate and did a good job. He was concise and hit the major issues. Sarah Palin didn't answer one fucking question. Not one! We all kept screaming for her to just take off her shirt and show her tits. At least that would have been more of a show. How can people say she did well? Oh, she didn't completely bomb. She had some well rehearsed answers, but she said nothing. I find it annoying and condescending of her to think that I'm as simple as she speaks. I'm not that fucking simple of a person, and I don't think most Americans are. It costs a shit ton of money to fill my gas tank, lady, and calling me Joe motherfuckin' six-pack isn't helping me any. It doesn't make you like me. You're nothing like me. I'm articulate, well-read, and I can rock fucking higher stiletto heels than you can. It just pisses me off that some Americans keep saying, "Oh, she's just like me." That's crazy! Are you a fucking shallow, rehearsed parrot?

Ultimately, it comes down to Obama and McCain. It looks like it's going to get ugly here at the end, and I think Obama will come out on top. He has a clear plan for the economic crisis and the health care crisis. Yes we can!

Where Did Cock Rock Go?

I would love to find a good concert to go to. I LOVED what Mr. Bitchford calls "Cock Rock." There was no substance, but it was fun as shit. Who doesn't love 'em some nasty, tattooed men? I think I might go put on some leather pants, a bustiere, and a roach clip complete with feather in my hair and dance my Friday night away.

Who Wants to Join my Residential Posse?

I shit you not. One of our sheriff's candidates in Eastwick wants to have residential posses. I would like for our readers to please tell us what role you would like in mine and Sukie's posse. Just for the record, I will be in charge of the night stick, and Sukie will be in charge of the pepper spray. We will need a golf cart driver.

On another note, my sides still hurt from laughing at Sarah Palin last night, so I will need a day or two before I post on the VP debates.