Eastwick Goes International

I took one of my dogs on a walk this morning, and we ran into Isabella Rossellini. We were strolling by a neighbor's house, and I heard something singing to me. Yes, singing. I looked over, and I saw what appeared to be a small rat in a handmade dog sweater. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the rat looked an awful lot like my dog. We walked even closer, and I noticed that the neighbor was in his yard. I asked if we could come closer, and he said sure. Turns out that he has a dog very similar to mine, and her name is Isabella Rossellini. Here's a pic that is very similar to the dog.

We get closer, and of course my bat shit crazy dog wants to start growling and spitting. She's normally very nice and friendly, but it's the first time she's ever encountered something that was smaller than her. I'm assuming this is the same shame that parents feel when their kid decides to sock another one right in the face for no reason. In my defense, I adopted her because she had very little time left at the shelter. No one had come to visit her, and she just wasn't that pretty. Of course, she was terribly sweet, and it turns out that she's also very loyal. Anyway, I really thought that we had met a little friend, and a famous one at that, but we did not. My dog wasn't having it, so we left little Isabella behind.

Here's a pic of my sweet puppy and some info about her.

Hair: barely any

Teeth: really fucked up, but cute

Eyes: bulging

Hobbies: tearing the stuffing out of toys, dominating the other dog by humping him, and licking her bean like she's Jenna Jameson in a porn film

We Are Family

I saw this article in my morning troll of news websites, and I thought I would share.

Article

At first it just made me giggle a little, but then I really thought about the situation. Why would not being invited send you into a fit of rage? If you pulled your own sister's hair out, then you had to be in a fit of rage. Does rejection really affect people in this way? I continued searching, and I ran across this article.

Article

WTF? She breaks up with you, so you stab her to get your breast implants back. This is not logical thinking. I can't think of a time that rejection sent me over the edge like this. I did pee in my ex-husband's shampoo bottle one time. That was because I was tired of him yelling at me about money, when I was the one making it all. So, that was about revenge. Oh, and I racked him in the balls right after I told him to move out of my house, and he told me to make him. I was just following through with his request. I think I get it from my mother. When I was a tween, a local neighborhood teenager ran over our cat...on purpose. We know this because he came up to me and said, "Hey. I ran over your cat last night on purpose." He laughed. His father was meticulous about his grass. My mother knew this, so she collected me and a friend and started to concoct her plan. She bought several boxes of Tide laundry detergent on an evening we were expecting rain. She drove me and the friend to this man's house, and we dumped the detergent all over the really nice landscaped lawn. Then, it rained. Boy, did it rain! There were suds all over the place, plus it killed his grass. See what you get, when you run over my mom's cat, motherfucker!

So, does anyone have any good revenge stories to tell...or perhaps rejection stories???

Weight Watchers Bitches

I went to the information session for Weight Watchers at Work. Our company has many divisions, so it's hard to know everyone who works there. There were several ladies that I only knew by name. I walked in, and three of them loudly exclaimed, "Oh God! Why are you here?" I was caught off guard and a little embarrassed. They continued with, "I hate it when people show up who don't need to lose any weight." Now, I'm not as heavy as some of these ladies were, but I'm not rail thin either. Plus, weight is a sensitive subject. I didn't understand why they would be such snarky bitches. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I got up and put my coat on. The facilitator asked if I was leaving. Yeah, what clued you in? The fact that Twinkie, Ding-Dong, and Ho-Ho over there made my face turn three shades of red? The entire room gave me a bad vibe. There was one other woman there, who is a lifetime member. She's already lost her weight, but she wanted to attend the meetings for continued motivation. They were tearing her apart too. I think I'm going to join online. A friend of mine is a member online, and I think we could be each other's weight therapy counselor. ;)

R.I.P. Updike

A friend sent me this today. Obviously, The Bitches blog is based off of The Witches of Eastwick. Here's a link detailing his career.

Article

“Updike's ‘The Witches of Eastwick,’ released in 1984, was later made into a film of the same name starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon.”

Self-esteem Issues

I think I have self-esteem issues. When I get ready for work in the mornings, I take one last look at myself before I leave. I think to myself, "Damn. I look good." I love the way my pencil skirt hugs my bootylicious, round ass. I like the way my secretary sweater set clings to my ample bosom. My hair is pretty and shiny. It's also very stylish and suits my small-shaped face. My eyes are the perfect shade of blue, and it takes very little eye shadow to highlight them. My teeth are straight and white, complete with a mega-watt smile. So, what's the problem? My high self-esteem has kept me from admitting that I should lose the 20 lbs. I've put on since meeting Mr. Bitchford!

I'm thinking of joining Weight Watchers. The idea of joining a group to talk about my weight and eating issues is scary. I don't want anyone to know that I have baked potatoes and Diet Coke for breakfast. I don't want anyone to know that dinner is sometimes a bag of Baked Lays cheddar and sour cream chips. Baked because I like those better than the greasy ones...not because I think they are better for me. I do need to eat more fruits and veggies. I'm getting older, and this diet of mine is going to catch up with me. I'm not overweight by any means, but I could stand to tone up and eat better. If I keep ignoring my eating habits, I will be overweight. So, should I join the group and see how it goes? Or...should I join the online version and skulk around on the message boards. I bet it would make for good blog material. :)

Scenario

I need your help. Let's say that you just connected with an old friend through Facebook. The friend constantly talks about drinking too much red wine and passing out or just being hungover. The friend's profile photos always make her look like she's drunk and is not really eating much. What do you say?

"Hi. Are you drunk in that photo?"

"I'm really worried about you. You look thin and a tad too relaxed in that photo."

Seriously, what do you say someone? Do you just leave them alone?

Productivity is my Foreplay

I had the worst day at work today. It just seemed like no one wanted to do what they were supposed to do...all at once. I just bitched the entire way home, and I know it had to wear on Sukie's nerves. Oh well, sometimes you just gotta bitch. To top it all off, my engine light popped on. Fuck!

I came in, and I started to pick things up. When I'm upset, I gather. I want everything to be in a nice, neat, and dust-free place. Then, I started loading the dishwasher. Once the dishes were out of the sink, I realized how dirty it was. Must clean the sink! I gave the dogs more water, and I realized their bowls were dirty. Must wash dog bowls! I went to the bedroom (by this time, Mr. Bitchford was just following me and observing), and I started to strip the sheets off of the bed. I had to have clean sheets. I couldn't sleep on dirty sheets and be pissed off. I finished all of this productivity off with some vacuuming.

It felt wonderful, and I felt like I had released most of my stress from my day. Am I weird? Perhaps I have stumbled upon my next career. A Merry Maid!

Dubya's Letter to Obama

There has been much speculation as to what the letter said. The suspense has been unbearable at times. I was so relieved when someone emailed me what the letter said. Please see below.

Deer Barock, lets hang out this sumer. Stay kewl. W.

hee.

America the Beautiful

Happy Inauguration Day! Sukie and I were able to slip away from work for a few hours and attend a party. There were a lot of people, especially for it to be Eastwick. Everyone was in good spirits, and it was just an all around good day. I feel hopeful today. Mr. Bitchford and I had to run by the local Publix on our way home, and we ran into (literally) and old woman. She had her cart all wedged up in the soup aisle, and of course all I needed was one can of tomato. Anyway, we waited for her to spot us, but she didn't. Mr. Bitchford asked her if he could just slip in behind her buggy for a minute to grab a can of soup. She looked at him and said, "Sure. Isn't this just the best day ever?" We both smiled really big and responded, "Yes, it is." Did anyone out there get to attend the inauguration live?

Ode to the Possum

David's Doll was blogging about the weirdest pet you've ever owned, and it reminded me of my pet possum. When I was a kid, we had indoor/outdoor cats. They pretty much did their own thing. We would feed them wet food outside, and one evening there was a long, skinny, pink tail that did not belong with the rest. It was a possum. She was pregnant and hungry, and she loved the wet cat food. My mom didn't think much of it. Eventually, we realized that the possum wasn't going to leave, so my mom started treating it like our pet. She fed her, and we would all go outside and talk to her. You couldn't touch her or anything, but she would sit and watch you. When my mom would sweep the back porch, the possum would get on the broom and ride along. It was very funny. One day, my mom found the possum at the back door. She had been hit by a car, and she was bloody. My mother was mortified because the possum had already had her babies. The babies were in the road where the mother had been hit. My mom tried to get the possum to the vet, but it was too late. This was the day that I realized what an animal lover my mother was. Who takes a possum hit by a car to the vet? My mother.

Giving

I usually reserve this space to bitch about shit, hence the name of the blog. I thought I would share something nice for a change. I've been mentoring an 18-year old girl for over a year now. She's a high school dropout, and she's a sexual abuse survivor. She's currently going back to school and able to earn both high school and college credit at the same time. She did really well her first few semesters, but then she decided she wanted to move out of her guardian's house. I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I also knew she had to figure it out for herself. Long story short, she didn't do very well in school, and she's having to reevaluate her situation. I met her for lunch last week, and I was prepared to do anything to get her to move back in with her guardian. I started to say something, and she just blurted out, "I'm moving back home." I was so relieved. We went on to talk for about 2 hours, and she has a good plan for this semester. We're going to meet 2 days a week at the local library and study together. I'm taking graduate classes, so I'll just study at the library instead of at home. She really seemed to have it together. She told me that she was glad I was there for her and that she wished she could do something for me. I told her she could. She can graduate, and she can go on to mentor someone else who really needs it. I know she's going to make it, but send good vibes her way anyway. It couldn't hurt.

Congrats to Mrs. Flax!

Mrs. Flax, an avid Bitches reader, is the winner of the Bombshell contest. Don't forget to check out Jessie's books at this link. She rocks!

Eastwick Deserves Exactly What's Coming to It

Check this out. SC TWEETS

This is a site that our state legislators can use to give us taxpayers little snippets of their days. I'm assuming that this site was intended for SC business. As a citizen, I would be interested in what my legislators are doing in such tough economic times. Seriously, SC just cut public education by double digits. I want to know what the fuck is going on. Let me give you some examples. We'll start with Mr. Joey Millwood.

JoeyMillwood: is back at work. Not a lot to do in the office but I have to go to basketball tonight.

JoeyMillwood: @antonjgunn 24's about the only Republican show on tv!

Basketball? Watching the show 24? What are you, Joey, a legislator or a 12 year old boy?

Here's another favorite.

NathanBallentin: this week alone: 3 meals at Chickfila, 3 meals at Moe's. That just doesn't seem too healthy, does it?

Well, Nathan, while those meals might not be too healthy, I'm sure our growing homeless population would have enjoyed them. Thanks for your legislative input. You're brilliant.

What in the hell is wrong with these people? Do I jump ship and run away? I'm seriously passed pissed off or even embarrassed. I'm frightened. These people are in charge of my state, and the majority of my state put them there. I really can't believe that they've put this type of bullshit on SCTWEETS. That can't be what the site was intended for. Anyone want to make fun of us? Go ahead. I would.

Putting Out Fires at Work

Literally! Sukie and I stumbled upon a cigarette fire at work today. We happened to be walking between buildings, and there was a small fire, quickly getting larger, in the mulch. People just kept walking by. A woman in a car stopped and gave Sukie a bottle of water. I ran around trying to find someone to call security. I came back, and Sukie was waving her empty water bottle around and stomping the hell out of the fire. At one point, I thought her skirt may go up in flames. Ironically, the fire started in close proximity to the no smoking sign. I hate that we didn't stumble upon the person who carelessly flicked his cigarette into the mulch. I hope he ends up burning his "low hanging fruit" one of these days. Careless fucker.

Win an Advanced Copy of Bombshell Contest

Ok, ladies and gents. You could win your very own copy of Jessie Terwilliger's soon to be released Bombshell. I can guarantee at least one steamy sex scene complete with penetration. This blog entry is actually my contest entry. If you would like to enter, please follow this link.


What is the worst thing you have ever done for money (worked at Burger King? Dug through elephant poo? Sold your body? Think hard.)
I was the Easter Bunny at the mall. It fucking sucked. A child stuck his sucker in my mesh eyeballs and another one peed on me.

Is exotic dancing/stripping akin to prostitution? Why? Site your sources if any.
The only experience or sources I have with exotic dancing/stripping or prostitution is from watching Cathouse on HBO. Air Force Amy and Isabella Soprano were my favorites. As far as prostitution goes, I only see the ladies of the night who work outside of the Big Lots I frequent. I feel bad for them, and I think they deserve a union. I digress. No. exotic dancing/stripping is not prostitution.

If the person you loved absolutely hated you, would you shorten their life by 10 years if it meant that they would love you back?
Ummm, no, but wouldn't that go against what love is about? Hmmm...

If your city decided to put in a strip club, or for those whose cities already have them decided to close the strip club(s,) write your argument to your city for or against the placement/removal of this club. If you cannot include your town name, just call it "Small Town" or "Big City" accordingly.
Dear Small Town,
Most of the citizens of said small town are angry, militant trolls. Not having a way to enjoy a sexual release makes people mean and ugly. Literally. Have you seen the people in this town? So, I say we allow the strip club and create what people in these here parts call the "sin" tax. This tax could go towards our education system, which is in dire need of funding. We will be left with relaxed and educated folks.
Thank you,
Alexandra Bitchford

When you read an article about a female stripper being raped, beaten, murdered, etc. do you feel that she was asking for it with the type of job that she had? Should she have assumed the risk? Did she get herself into this mess by doing the work that she did?
First of all, it's horrific when a sexual crime is committed against anyone. Fuck no she doesn't deserve that. No one asks or deserves to be raped. I've long believed that stripping/exotic dancing and prostitution need to be regulated, and in the case of prostitution, legalized. It's a great way for cities to enjoy an increase in tax revenue. Also, if these ladies had Unions and rights, I do think this industry could benefit everyone...even if you didn't frequent said strippers and/or prostitutes. But, what do I know? I'm also a socialist. ;)

BONUS ROUND!If you were a stripper, what would be your stage name and what song would you dance to? White Shuga would be my name and Cold Hard Bitch by Jet would be my song.

WTF?

You'll never believe this. I just received a company letter with the phrase “low-hanging fruit” in it. It made me giggle. I mean, seriously, that sounds like a pair of old man balls. I believe they were referring to projects we could get to the fastest, but come on. Low-hanging fruit?

What do you think?

Below are my purchases I made on my way home from work. The clerk just smirked at me. *sigh*

Are we Really this Uneducated and Scared?

"Budget includes layoffs, furloughs and closing 3 USC campuses"

This was the headline in The State today. Gov. Sanford (SC) is known for his "cut spending" attitude. He once presented the legislators with an honest to goodness pig to represent their pork spending. Get it? Pig? Pork spending? At the time, I didn't understand why he couldn't present them with some possible solutions rather than a farm animal, but this is S.C.

Below you will find travel spending information on all of our fine representatives in S.C. Please take notice of these numbers. Our education system has been circling the proverbial drain for years now. It looks as though now we are not only plunging into the darkness of said drain, but these guys (because they are all old white guys or will be old white guys one day soon) are backing up the already fucked-up drain.

Travel spending rankings:
Area S.C. House of Representatives
1. Bill Sandifer, R-Oconee County, $15,825
2. Phillip Owens, R-Pickens, $15,213
3. Daniel Cooper, R-Anderson, $13,855
6. Bill Whitmire, R-Oconee, $12,970
8. Brian White, R-Anderson, $12,715
16. Don Bowen, R-Anderson, $12,176
25. Michael W. Gambrell, R-Anderson, $11,826
Area S.C. Senate members
1. Thomas Alexander, R-Oconee, $20,073
7. Larry Martin, R-Pickens, $14,460
16. Kevin Bryant, R-Anderson, $12,732
18. Billy O’Dell, R-Abbeville, $12,394
*Source: South Carolina Office of Comptroller General

So, the Gov says we have no money, and he is going to cut, cut, cut. The legislators agree with him, but they are going to spend, spend, spend. Looks like that pig trick worked wonders. It would be one thing if S.C. was actually a progressive state, but it's not. The money spent above has done very little to benefit S.C., hence the nasty mess we are in. I'm convinced that this is S.C.'s way of keeping its residents stupid and scared. By keeping the residents uneducated (hence the drastic budget cuts happening to education), the men above can continue to get the residents' votes. It's scary, and I don't really see an end or a good solution in sight. On top of everything else, do you want to know what S.C. residents are upset about? The budget? Education? Property taxes? Nope.

"SC officials join church rally for 'I Believe' tags"

Yep. They are upset about the I Believe license tags. A fucking license tag concerning religion. There have been no rallies about the public education system. There have been no rallies concerning the 7% and climbing unemployment rate. Again, the majority has become uneducated and scared.

If we keep cutting education, how are we going to create a workforce? What company would want to build here and hire citizens that came from a second-rate education system due to a lack of funding? Great job with the economic development, Mr. Sanford. My dad and I were discussing this yesterday. He is a "directly to the point" type of man, and I asked him what he thought the answer was. He said, "We should tax the hell out of rich people. It's not good for the soul to have more than you need." This made me smile. It's a typical response from my dad, and it's not too far off. Are there any of you out there with states that are still in the dark ages?

Mr. Vomit Strikes Again

Mr. Vomit has been at it again. I'm not really sure how one person can fuck so many different things up, but he does. Sukie and I have taken over most of the tasks on the project we are working on. 75% of his time has been reallocated to this project, but he always fucks everything up that he does. This is why we just decided to do most of it ourselves. So, he has one task to complete. Just one! You guessed it. He fucks it up. Not only does he fuck the task itself up, but he fucks Sukie over in the process. Plus, he fucks our clients over in the process. Why does management not see who he is? Is he sucking someone's dick? Has he someone sucking someone else's dick? This makes no sense. In these economic times, these are the people who should be weeded out. The only thing that is keeping me from walking up to him tomorrow and punching him directly in his "I"m dumb as shit, but I don't think anyone has caught on" face is the fact that I'm scared of the consequences. I'm just being honest. What in the fuck gives?

The only good thing is that I did swing my mental dick at him. Sukie and I have to take a business trip soon, and it concerns this project. He was wanting to send this other stupid fucking bitch of his, and I just kicked her ass off the trip. I changed the name on all of the registrations for hotel and travel, and I just picked someone who is actually a hard worker and pleasant. Do you know he didn't say a word? So, fuck you, Mr. Vomit.

"I always feel like...

somebody's watching me...ain't got no privacy... "

That's evidently how my dog feels because ever since my last post about her...ahem...sexual proclivities, I have been trying to capture this phenomenon on video. However, though, she may be a masturbater, she is not an exhibitionist, and every time I hit "record," bitch stops what she's doing and gives me this, "What? I'm just a cute dog!" look.

This is the best I got, and really, it does not provide the full effect of witnessing the actual experience because, once again, she knew she'd been caught:

A New Year and a Wish for Rayne

So, the first new year's baby in the state was born in Eastwick. Cool, huh? Not so fast. We have been experiencing a major drought, and the new mother wanted to pay tribute to this. The baby's name was Anniyah Rayne. At first, I thought maybe she just didn't realize how this sounds. I went on to read what she had named her 11 month old child. Her name is Arrayah Sunshine. I'm not kidding. I fucking hate this place.