Bitch, please...

I talked to one of my sisters today, and she told me that someone broke into my brother-in-law's car and stole his shit! They live in a cool historical neighborhood, and there is rarely any trouble there. Well, except for a few months ago when a drunken and drugged driver ran into the back of their house. That's another story. Also, their garage is right at the house. Shit! It's attached to the house! My brother-in-law, being the crafty person he is, cruised all of the pawn shops in search of his shit. He hit gold today. He asked the lady if she had any new merchandise coming up. She told him yes, and he asked to see it. She straight up brought his stolen shit out! He told her it was his and to call the police. Here's the kicker...she got pissed at him! The police came, and my brother-in-law has agreed to testify in court against the low-life son of a bitch thief. I imagine Mr. Low-Life Son of a Bitch being a little cocky asshole who thinks someone would be scared of him. I would like to show him a little Eastwickean baseball bat justice. Fucker.

Dell Computers

I hope Dell rots in the stinking depths of hell. I tried to buy a laptop tonight, and Dell did not want to sell me one. First, I couldn't get the online order to go through. Second, it MADE me purchase a webcam. Third, I couldn't get anyone who spoke English to answer the god damn motherfucking customer service line. And fourth, it all comes back around to me wishing that Dell would rot in the stinking depths of hell. Oh, and Dell, if you are out there and have some savy team of computer geeks who finds sites that mention your skanky ass name... I hope you find this motherfuckers! The end.

Office Party

I had to attend one of my two office parties on Friday night. I work with two different divisions, so I get two invites. This is my "alcoholic" division, so I knew I was in for a wild time. Little did I know how wild it would get. The evening started out with everyone sitting on a couch and staring at each other. Then our host brought out some appetizers, so that got people up and moving. Next, the alcohol started flowing freely. There is this one guy I work with who is ALWAYS wanting to be the life of the party. I'll call him The Doctor. He applied to med school just like his daddy, but he couldn't get in. Soooo...now he works for my company. The Doctor arrives with his cooler on wheels. I'm dead serious. He has a party cooler on wheels. He is already pretty ripped, and he is bitching about not finding a woman to bring with him. Mr. Bitchford and I wander off to find some more food and see who else has arrived. After awhile, our host announces that we will begin our Chinese Christmas gift game. This is that silly game where each person brings a $10 gift, and everyone picks a number...blah, blah, blah. The game is incredibly long and boring, but The Doctor is not going to have this. He unwraps his gift, and it is a really nice gourmet cookie mix. He stands on his chair, waves around the cookie mix and yells, "Why would anyone spend $10 on god damn cookie mix?" The game continues, and it is starting to wear on my nerves because I can only take so much interaction with these people. The Doctor stands on his chair again and announces that he has a joke. "What kind of Kotex does a fat girl wear? A rope and some Bounty paper towels." What is he? 12? The game ends, and there are some people on the porch smoking cigars. Mr. Bitchford and I decide to hit the road, so we go out there to tell everyone goodbye. The Doctor is puffing on his cigar and sipping his screwdriver. He sees that we are leaving, and he seems to think that dry humping me goodbye is in order. I'm grateful that my fucking office parties are over! Bah Humbug!

Update on State Legislator's Grandson

Sukie posted about this story a few days ago. The 18 year old died of alcohol poisoning. The media is now reporting the condition of the frat house he was found in. None of the details are shocking to me because I did go to college. What's shocking is that some in the community are in an uproar about the reporting. Some feel that this is "dragging the story out" and that it is "disrespectful to the family." I don't really get that from the reporting. I feel like it could be a wake-up call to sororities, fraternities, and all college students. They are not invincible. They should not leave a passed out friend alone. Those are the lessons that I can see from this sad story. It seems like Sukie's initial reaction was right on.

Headline Ranting

Come on, this is just wrong: “A local mother who home-schools her children is the new chairwoman-elect of the board that oversees Stupid State’s public schools.”

Y’all: she won’t even put her own children into the public school system, and now she will be a leader—the leader of the State Board of Education!! I can NOT be alone here: this is not OK.

Now, I know someone is going to argue that she keeps her kids out of public schools because they’re so bad, and she wants to make a change, blah, blah, blah. But, come on, she not only knows nothing about public education and how it works, but she also has no vested interest in public education. After all, she home-schools her own children!

On top of that, she founded a group called Stupid State Parents in Education, which supports abstinence education, taxpayer dollars spent on private schools, and the teaching of intelligent design. I would also like to point out that the woman has a degree, not in education, but in engineering. I have always said that those who serve on the board of ed. should be people with experience in education—public education. This only makes sense. People with no educational expertise should not be making decisions about education. Period.

Bathroom Drama

It happened again. I had more bathroom drama at work today. Again, our stalls are tiny, so please keep this in mind. I was in my stall, and I had on my super nice black dress boots. A woman entered the stall to my left, and she proceeded to get situated. All of a sudden there was a giant cloud of baby powder coming my way. Then... it happened. The baby powder wafted over and settled on the toe of my boot. Yes! The baby powder that had been packed up tight in this woman's vagina ALL DAY LONG landed on my dress boot. While I can appreciate the fact that she was trying to combat the "cod fish panty" odor, I did not appreciate her skank ass coochie powder on my boot. I sort of let out a short scream/gasp/snort. I was disgusted. Then I started shaking my boot around and saying things like "ewww" and "gross." I finally got up and found a paper towel to clean my precious boot with. The woman stayed in her stall. I had to go to the bathroom later in the day, and I could see the trail of baby powder coming out from under her stall. Someone had tracked it out of the stall and into the hand washing area. Gross!

BC: Nothing!

Do you think Barbara Walters had any idea how truly moronic Sherry Shepherd is before she put her on TV?

This, notably, is the prevailing belief of most Eastwickeans as well: nothing predates Jesus! Nothing!