Pay Attentivision

Today we had a training workshop at work: conflict negotiation and resolution. One of the local Eastwick cops came in to teach it. And now I know what is wrong with this place in which I have for some inexplicable reason chosen to live. Here are the notes I wish I could give to the speaker:

Dear Deputy,

First of all, if you can't pronounce the words in your PowerPoint, don't use them. Pick smaller words, words you know. That way when you hit conciliation, you won't stumble over it three times before settling on communication (2 entirely different things) and have to be corrected by an audience member. PS: Besides making you look like the redneck moron you are, this causes your audience to question your credibility as an authority on the topic. If you can't pronounce the word, do you really know what it means??

Second, simple words that you use frequently throughout the presentation should be practiced. Take, for example, the word attentive, as in "You need to be attentive to the needs of others." Note how many syllables the word has; in this case, three. Make sure that each time you practice it, you use the correct number of syllables. Also, make sure you don't add letters that aren't there. It's attentive, not attentative (4 syllables)...which when you say it in certain circumstances, as in, "You need to have attentative ear," your audience hears, "a tentative ear." Again, you invoke two entirely different meanings. You mean, we should pay attention to what's being said. We hear that we should listen hesitantly, not carefully.

Third, make sure you actually understand the material you are presenting. For example, when you read aloud that "conflict arises from competing needs," you should know that means the competing needs of two (or more) different parties, not the competitive nature of one individual. You see, any intelligent person reading the slide can understand that the original author from whom you lifted it was trying to explain that people get into arguments with one another because their different needs are conflicting. For example, I need disorder in my life; my boyfriend needs order. This leads to arguments. It does not mean that I create a conflict because I "want the new Jordans that everyone else has." PS: Jordans aren't even cool anymore...get with the times, bud!

Fourth, all your little speakerly mishaps are not ok just because you approach me post-lecture to let me know that you're "just a good ole Southern boy" and tell me about how one time you told your Yankee English teacher if she didn't like the way we talk down here, she should just go back up North. Now, you're just an intolerant @ss. PS: I got that you're a good ole redneck pretty clearly when you described a common conflict between you and your wife: "I want pancakes for breakfast, but I wake up and she made grits. Is that a conflict? Yes. Because she should know what I want for breakfast." Again, you're an @ss.

Which brings me to #5...don't mention topics you clearly know nothing about...as in DIVERSITY! Diversity means, you know, like, different groups of people: men, women, blacks, whites, gays, lesbians, Middle Easterners, Asians, Christians, Jewish people, Atheists, etc. This relates to conflict because in many cases, people do not accept people from different backgrounds/cultures/religions, which can lead to conflict, but if we are to properly employ conflict negotiation and resolution, we need to be aware of and accepting of diversity. On the contrary, diversity does NOT mean we're different people now than we were 30 years ago. For example, this is NOT an example of diversity in the workplace: "When I was growing up, we had a 19-inch television, and today people have, like, 54-inch televisions and home theaters! SO diversity is an issue in conflicts." I don't even know what that has to do with anything...but here's the point:

Don't talk crap you don't know. The end.

Love,
Sukie