Monday, May 4, 2009
What the Fuck is Wrong with People?
I've talked about the at-risk youth that I tutor, and I try not to blog about them too much. I don't know why, but I feel like I shouldn't blab their stories, even if you guys would never know who they are. Anyway, here's what happened today. One of them is graduating from high school in a few weeks. She's so excited, and she's gone through some really rough times to get where she's at. Her family has not been that supportive of her. Her grandparents seem like they are really behind her, but the rest seem, well, jealous of her. Her mom is usually doped up and has no idea what's going on. Her dad is usually drunk and has no idea what's going on. She told me that her dad traded her for a car when she was 7 years old. Her grandmother had to come pick her up. WTF? Anyway, she has an aunt (her mom's sister) that is sometimes nice to her. The aunt decided to throw her a big graduation party. She reserved a room at a restaurant and ordered a special cake. It sounded like she had gone all out for her. Well, the student called me today and was crying. We met for lunch, and she gave me the invitation. The aunt decided not to pay for any food. Guests can come and sit in the nice reserved room, but we will all be paying for our own meals. Now, this doesn't bother me, but the student was mortified. She doesn't want to ask people who have helped her to come and celebrate and pay for their own meal. I tried to make her feel better, but she just kept crying. She finally fessed up and said she thinks her aunt did it on purpose. The aunt has a history of wanting to celebrate the student's accomplishments, but then she gets really jealous and backs off. I'm going to show up and support her. I have no idea what to expect of the family. Her mom and dad will be there. I will go and try to smile and make small talk. I'm going to need several Xanax to get through this dinner.
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9 comments:
How many people are expected? If there was a way for you to pick up the tab for everyone NOT RELATED to her, I would pay you back. What a sorry sack of shit. She set her up. I certainly could have seen having it be a cash bar (especially since she is underage), but if you are throwing a private room restaurant party for someone, you generally have a buffet type spread or set menu, even if it's a modest one.
Honestly? I think that the majority of people are rude, spiteful, conniving, ignorant, selfish monsters. I'd say 5.5 out of 10, at least.
That is what is wrong with people.
Then again, I consider myself a little jaded....so my stats might be off.
However, people like you make the difference. Power isn't always about numbers. Sometimes one caring soul can dull the pain of a thousand idiots.
Okay, but...
You throw a huge ass party like that and reserve all this stuff, then pay for 17 people's $14 meals?
Great, she's accomplishing something and she deserves a party but on the other hand, Auntie was nice enough to help her do this party, and maybe Auntie finds it reasonable for everyone to pay for their meals. I do. Not everyone has a spare $200-$300, no matter how much you love a person.
Tell her that it does not bother you, that you understand that it's a lot of money to pay for dinner parties. Hell, order yourself something pricey and a dessert. She needs not to be mortified.
The others are right it isnt her fault, and she shouldnt feel upset.
Perhaps her aunt could have reserved a church hall or something and say on the invites for everyone to bring a prepared dish.
The restaurant may even be prepared to do some nibbles on the basis that they will get money on the drinks.
Re Mrs Flaxs suggestion, hows about everyone puts in $10 or something to pay for a modest buffet?
Mrs. Flax, I had thought about trying to cover it.
Jessie, it wouldn't be so bad, but the aunt had told her she would cover everything. I guess I forgot to put that in the post. The people that are coming know her very well and will not be bothered by it. I think it was just "one more thing" that the aunt had decided to set her up on.
Kelly, I'm jaded too. :)
CL, that's a great idea! I'm not sure why people think everything has to be fancy.
I don't want to mean because a) I know where this kid's coming from and b) you and Mrs Flax are just really big-hearted people of means who want to help those less fortunate, but...
DO NOT PAY FOR ANYONE'S MEAL BUT YOUR OWN.
If you do, you are simply validating what her parents have taught her all along: that manipulating people's emotions is the way to get what YOU want. Cry to the upper-middle class bleeding heart liberal, and get your party. This is not the message you want to send this kid at this critical stage. She's already got enough to overcome with her family--you do not want to support what she's already learned from them through experience. Remember the saying about teaching someone to fish versus feeding them for a day? Well, stop trying to feed her day by day--instead, encourage her to develop the skills she needs to survive. What's going to happen the next time her family fucks her over? Are you going to bail her out then? Buy her a new car? Give her a place to sleep? Where does it end? And what does she learn from it? She needs to learn to accept the family she was given and learn how to deal with them. Sure, having someone to talk to about it is helpful--but sometimes that's all someone needs--someone to hear them, listen, and say they understand--not someone to try to change their circumstances. You are already giving so much to this girl. You're giving her time. You're giving her a good role model. You're giving yourself. You do not need to throw money at her, too. Her family WILL continue to disappoint and embarass her. She needs to deal with it. Paying for food isn't going to change the aunt. Help encourage that girl to learn to fish on her own. That's the best thing you can do for her. That's my two cents...as someone who came from a totally fucked up family.
I understand your points Sukie, and don't really disagree with you. I just look at it from a different perspective. I don't suspect someone of manipulating my emotions before they give me reason to believe that. Maybe not the best idea. I also don't throw money at people to make myself feel good. I don't have it to throw. I am far from upper middle class, and certainly wouldn't consider myself a person of means. I just live within them. I help when I can. I'm not buying anything for this party; this just pissed me off because I have some background on it, and I ranted.
My heart is not always my most productive feature, but it has taken me a lot of wonderful places so far. It's also bitten me in the ass a number of times, and will likely do so in the future, to be sure.
Whether she intends to or not, this child has been taught that manipulation works. Her own parents do it to her, and it works on her. Children will inevitably model what their parents practice. I don't think she sets out to manipulate people necessarily--it's just all she knows (until she learns differently).
And in her eyes, you are filthy rich! You live in a house you own. You have nice cars. You don't have creditors banging down your door. While we may call it "living within our means," she has no idea what that even means because her parents have never modeled that and never had any "means"--on account of they snort it, shoot it, or pill it all up (if and when they're working).
Having enough to be able to help other people is wonderful. And I am certainly not saying you or any of us shouldn't. We should. I think it's our obligation as good and decent human beings. But also having background on this particular situation, I just do not think that giving any more financial support (in the form of money for a party, gifts, etc.) is the best idea.
Believe me, this made me very mad too. Because I know first-hand what it feels like to continually be disappointed by family. To be promised something and have it reneged for no reason at all or for something as petty as jealousy. My own mother kicked me out of the house the day I returned home from college for summer break because she was jealous and trashed. I had to live out of my car for three months. So I totally sympathize with this girl's situation. And my first inclination is always to reach out and help her. When I first started hearing about her, that's all I wanted to do too. But since then, I've watched her do nothing to help herself. She takes and takes and takes from Alex, who is one of the most caring and giving people I know. Alex is also a remarkable role model for this girl, and she could learn so much from her if she wanted. And at first, I think she did. But since then, she has become more and more like her family. She now always goes to Alex when she wants a bail-out--but never for anything else. She doesn't take her advice or show genuine appreciation for all of the wonderful things Alex has done for her. And that makes me even madder than the fact that her screwy family fucked her over yet again. That girl needs to learn to help herself and learn how to deal with her fucked up circumstances, and she never will if she doesn't have to because unlike for some of us, that desire to be able to do for yourself isn't there with her--because she never learned it.
(sorry--I have a lot of opinions on this)
Sukie is right...
People are products of their environment, the trick is to learn from other people that you meet.
When she starts work this will be a good starting point for her (it certainly was for me).
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