Mr. Vomit: A Tactless Bitch

I was in a sales meeting today, which is ALWAYS boring. Sukie was in there with me, so it wasn't too bad. Anyway, Mr. Vomit was yapping away and no one was really listening. All of a sudden, he said something that made my ears perk up a little. He started talking about this plaque we have in our department. It's a memorial to a man we had hired, but he died in a terrible car accident shortly after he started. I wasn't there at the time, but I happened to know the man because I was very good friends with his fiancee. So, he starts yapping about how he is going to see if we can have it removed because the guy didn't really work there that long, and he thought it was stupid. Well, I was pissed and a little surprised. Not much, but a little. How can someone be such a shit? I'm guilty of saying stupid things or laughing at things that aren't really appropriate; however, I do this in the privacy of my own home because I wouldn't ever want to hurt someone. I decided to say something. I cleared my throat, and I said, "By the way, that man had a name. It was Kelly. I think he would have really liked working with us. I know a few people who still miss him terribly today." Mr. Vomit is such a dick!

Only in Eastwick

Mr. Bitchford and I were watching the news tonight. You know how you see those people on the news, and you laugh your ass off? There was a woman being interviewed tonight. She had the perfect Eastwickean accent, and to top it off, the greatest t-shirt ever. It said: A little hard work ain't never hurt nobody... but why take a chance? That's fucking priceless.

Divided, We...Get Stupider

It's called "re-segregation," and it's happening in America. Any surprise that it's happening fastest in the South? Thank you, Supreme Court, for forbidding local efforts @ integration...because what we need most in this country is more division...hmmm...what ever happened to "United, We Stand; Divided, We Fall"???

Southern Education @ Work

Ok...I'm not even sure what else to say...

Was James Brown Wrong?

It's not a man's world unless you let it be. I emailed the misogynist back last night. The more I thought about it the madder I got. I told him that he was inappropriate and out of line. I let him know that if he had a problem then we could set up a meeting with my supervisor. I let him know that I had already made her privy of how he had treated me. I also let him know that I had supplied her with copies of any and all email communication between us. I got a message back this morning. It started with, "I don't think a meeting will be necessary..." Ha! Chicken shit. Son of a bitch knows he is wrong. He also continued to use double negatives in his email. I get that not everyone is a grammar geek, but come on already. Can't people be a little more careful? Anyway, he also copied his wife on the email to me. Again, the email made it sound like I was "overly sensitive." Whatever. That poor woman is the one who has to live with him. Hell, she may have told him to email me back and say that he was backing off. Who knows. I'm still pissed that he thought he could intimidate me and that I ended up feeling a little intimidated. I guess I should look at the fact that I didn't back down. There was something in me that just couldn't let it be. My supervisor still wants to meet with me and see if she needs to do anything further. The company may decide to do something. Again, at least I stood up for myself. So, in the end, maybe James does have it right. "But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a woman ..."

Do You Ever Find it Hard to be a Woman?

I've had a hell of a week, and I'm so glad it is officially over. I'm so tired of certain types of men thinking they can talk to me however they like. Before I go any further, I want to say that I know more quality men than I do sorry assholes. I am by no means lumping all men together. Ok, back to my bitching. I am very aware that women have more pressure on them in the workplace because of appearance. I have always dressed more than nice for my job, and this week I got bit in the ass. A customer came in and needed some help. He was really frustrated with the service he had received, and it was my job to smooth things over. It really wasn't a big deal to take care of. Apparently he thought I had done something "special" just for him. I would have helped any customer who came through my door. His last comment to me was, "You're really hot." What the fuck? I told him not to talk to me like that. He seemed flustered, but he went away. I bitched to Sukie about it, and then I was done with it. I received an email from him tonight. He basically told me that if I didn't like his comment then I should stop dressing and acting the way I do. First of all, I kind of act like a bitch. I do that because I don't want to deal with bullshit like this. Second, I have giant tits, and I am curvy. I can't help that. I don't wear loose fitting jumpers and sneakers. It's just not my style, and it would not fit in with my work atmosphere. Why should I have to dress differently? For God's sake I had on a sweater set the day he said something to me! I'm really mad at myself this evening because I've let him get to me. It made me feel like no matter how hard I try, I am still just a woman in the workplace. I don't really know how else to explain it. I'm not used to giving up any power or control, but I feel like I let a little slip tonight when I got upset. Damn it!

How I feel in Eastwick...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The NFL and Vick

Now that Michael Vick has agreed to plea guilty, the question running rampant through the media is “Should he be banned from the NFL?” CNN.com asked readers to e-mail their responses to that question, and they published some of those e-mails online here.

There are some very interesting thoughts here…I, for one, love Patricia Reese’s idea of putting him back to work and letting him make his millions, but forcing him to give a huge percentage of his salary to the Humane Society. At least that way, something positive could come out of all of this.

On the other hand, I also had a light bulb turn on when I read the response from John Robinson:
“Pro athletes are constantly getting in trouble with the law. Unless we make a policy that all players who are convicted of a felony are banned from the league, then Vick should be allowed to play after a suspension.”

John’s on to something here. I think ALL NFL players convicted of felonies should be banned from the league. Period. End of Story. Think about it: this would eradicate the problem we have with these “superstars” thinking they are above the law. Clearly, these people do not think our laws apply to them. The law does not scare them. But I bet losing that multi-million dollar paycheck would make ‘em think twice. I am sure that at some point Michael Vick has thought to himself, “What are they gonna do, fire me? I was the number 1 draft pick. I’m the best QB in the NFL. Please.” Wouldn’t it be nice if instead he thought, “Man, if I do this and get caught, I could lose everything!”?

And I don’t think it should be just the NFL. The MLB should get on board, the NBA, the NHL…EVERYBODY! Hell, if there were an organization over the Parises and Lindsays, I’d say they need to sign up, too!

Some might call this harsh or argue that we’re holding these people to higher standards than those to which we hold “ordinary” citizens. I “fart in {their} general direction” and say, “Would you get to keep your job if you were convicted of a felony?” I know I wouldn’t. I’d be fired quicker than a New York minute.

Another good point made in these e-mails is one I myself have made on a number of occasions when addressing the debate about Michael Vick’s future: animal abuse is an indicator, a predictor of people abuse. As Andrea Ziegler points out, “Remember Jeffrey Dahmer started as an animal abuser!” And most serial murderers began small, torturing animals before moving on to human prey. Thus, Michael Vick’s abuse of dogs is more than just a matter for the Humane Society or PETA. It is a matter for all of us in society. Yes, all of us. Because at the end of the day, as George Dohrmann of Sports Illustrated says, “six years of animal cruelty is not a blip, not a momentary lapse in judgment. It says something about who Michael Vick is at his core.” Dohrmann’s article, though, unlike others, places Vick’s future squarely in the hands of NFL fans. If NFL fans are willing to forgive and forget Vick’s transgressions, he has not played his last game. But if, once a few years have passed, he’s served his time, he apologizes and writes a big check, NFL fans still stand up and declare that he should not be raised again to his former glory, he will not.

Don't Never Do This...

I had to attend a "retreat" for our company this week. I have one more day left, and I can't wait. Where do they find these people? The guy today kept saying things like "Don't never be mean to a customer because you just don't know what they will do." Don't never? Oh, and my favorite was when he went on and on about people's different aspects. What the fuck? I kept looking around me and only a few of my co-workers were puzzled. This frightened me a little. I'm hoping they just weren't paying any attention to the dumb ass. We work for a fairly large company, so why would upper management keep hiring these dip shits? My favorite part was when the guy would come across a word he couldn't pronounce. He would just sort of run it into the next word and talk faster. The funny thing was that he was not only talking about how to be a professional with our customers, but he was also talking about how to present. Dude! You can't spell or speak!

Wah-wah, I want my milk and cookies

I am super-busy at work right now with this new project--a new project I have taken on only after being TOTALLY screwed over by higher-ups.

So this is gonna be short and simple and to the point.

Apparently, I don't cry enough at work. I'm not sure when crying became the answer to getting what you want in ADULT WORLD, but clearly, this is the case at my company, for if you cry, you shall be given your way. In fact, not ONLY will you get your way, but also, you will likely get a raise and a promotion. Little did I know...I'm gonna have to start carrying an onion to work and getting "so upset" that my boss has to cave in and only give me the projects I want...and then promote me. Hell, if I throw in an abusive, cheating boyfriend and some other domestic shit to cry over, I may be able to take my boss's job in another year. ;-)

Fucked up...that's what it is.

That is all.

Are Married Men a Hot Commodity?

I work with a woman who was devastated a few years back when her husband cheated on her. She still hasn't really gotten over it. Here's the kicker, though. She's now seeing a married man herself. I usually humor myself by listening in on her conversations from my cube, but this is a new low for her. She slinks around the office and whispers to him on the phone. She seems to think the rest of us have no idea. He "drops" in a few times a week. Ugh! He came in today, and she happened to be in a meeting. He comes over to my cube and asks where his girl is. I wait for about 15 seconds before I turn around and even acknowledge his sleazy presence. I ask him if he would be referring to (insert name here) and that the last time I checked she was a 39 year old woman and not a girl. He gives me the smile with the twinkle coming off of his teeth. Asshole. He asks if I will tell her he came by. I say no. He looks shocked. I tell him I'm busy and to send my best to the wife and kids. So, I ask. What the hell is up with this woman? Why would she even think of dating a married man after the way she was treated? It makes no sense to me. Pathetic? Low self-esteem? Any ideas?

Insert Clever Title Here

It is so hot that Eastwickean hoodlums have now resorted to stealing people's window unit air conditioners. It's a (heat)rash of burglaries plaguing the "city."

That is all.

Woman jailed after she found outside utility office in her underwear

This is your typical headline from Eastwick. I was reading through all of my online news. This caught my eye. While it's not from Eastwick, it is exactly the type of thing that would be printed...errors and all. Lovely.

A New Bitch in Town

Well, we went to the shelter today. I thought I might be ready to look at some dogs. I was there about five minutes when I saw her. My dog! She is perfect. She's a terrier mix. She's smaller than what I thought I would want (@10 lbs.), but she doesn't act like a tiny shaky dog. She was sort of dirty from being in the shelter, so she looked liked a dirty Q-tip (she's white). We will bring her home Tuesday evening. I started to feel a little guilty about my NJG, but I know I need to stop that. She doesn't know that I have another dog, and I am NOT replacing her. She's resting soundly in a $300 urn on my mantle. So, I'm going to try really hard not to feel guilty about being excited. She's got attitude too, which is required if you are going to be my dog. She can stare you down with her little raisin eyes and act like she will kick your ass. Yea!

The Bitch is Back

I had to go out of town on business. It was ok except for today. I had to threaten a shuttle driver with my car key. I didn't recognize his creative route to the airport, and he wouldn't talk to me about where we were going. I freaked out a little bit, and I told him I was going to gouge out his eyes with my car keys if he tried to kidnap me. He looked at me like I was a sad little American lady.
Next, I try to check in, but there is a mega long line. I notice that the village idiots are not checking themselves in. They are waiting on two (yes, only two) people to check them in. I team up with the girls behind me, and we start to heckle them. "Hey lady! That computer is open. Just slide in your credit card and keep moving." "Hey man! Get your finger out of your ass and move it!" We then decided to break in line and check ourselves in. Sukie would have been so proud of me.
I finally make it home only to find out my luggage did not. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Anything to keep my mind off the heat...

Dear K-Fed,

While no one can fault you for "being concerned" about your kids, your attempt to gain full custody is frivolous. First of all, giving children soda may not be the best idea, but it is not grounds for termination of the joint custody agreement. Second, your claims that her "erratic" behavior is grounds for you to gain full custody are unfounded. If your ex-wife wants to swim topless with a hot co-ed, that's her prerogative. It's not like the kids were there. They were with the nanny, which she can afford. Now, if she starts having orgies in front of the kids, you can re-file for full custody, and I'll be your biggest supporter. While we're discussing your claims that her behavior is "erratic," I must point out to you that her rolling her car into another one is not equivalent to being involved in a "car crash." It's on video. She barely tapped the car. And the kids weren't in the car. Finally, if you get full custody, how do you intend to support those two kids? Oh yeah, she's already giving you $60,000 a month for support. I'm assuming you'll want an increase. That's ridiculous. You shouldn't ask for full custody when you can't financially support the children. You need to grow up, get a job, and be a man, and quit going back to your ex-wife for more dough under the guise of "being concerned" about your children. You knew what you were getting into when you f*cked her. You knew what kind of mother she'd be. If you were so concerned, you should have worn a condom. And, since you are so concerned now, may I recommend a vasectomy? I don't think you need to be having any more kids.

Sukie

Hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock behind a dryer

That's Eastwickean for really, really, really HOT! Seriously: Could it be any hotter? I mean, it is torture to go outside--over 100 degrees. After yesterday I went around and tacked blankets and such over all my windows. With the exception of the two sliding glass doors and those two windows behind the couch, they all have cheap, ineffective at battling the heat mini-blinds, which were no competition for the sun glaring down on my house. The thermostat was set, but even with the air running full force, the poor system couldn't get the house temp up to meet the desired temp set on the thermostat--ridiculous. And considering I spent most of yesterday in bed after contracting a very painful 24-hour bug that cleansed my entire system (if you know what I mean), it was really hot. I wasn't even engaged in physical activity, and it was HOT. I just laid around sweating and alternately standing over air vents or in front of the oscillating fan I dragged into my bedroom to compliment the ceiling fan, also running on high. I'm sure being under-the-weather didn't help my sweating, but I'm placing most of the blame on the stupid hot, humid air outside. But today, I am ready (hopefully) to beat the sun with my white-trash window dressings. Bring it on, sun!

Political Quotables: Eastwick Style

I love local politicians. Right now, ours are all battling it out in county council meetings. You know the kind of backstabbing political nonsense these guys pull: you didn't vote for our measure, we're not voting for yours. So when one of these politicians called the others to task for a recent decision to deny funds to his part of the county, another responded by telling him he needed to use the requested money not for the betterment of the community but rather for "a course in courtesy, manners and humility."

Hee hee, another chastised someone else, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen!"

Another one shouted, "We have a government of dirty tricks and revenge!"

Yet another said simply, "I would like to say you are out of your mind."

Why do they even bother talking? ;-)

Another Fuckin' Eastwickean Soccer Mom

I was on my way home today, and I was minding my own business. It was hella hot, so I had the AC pumping along with a little Smokey Mountain Rain by Ronnie Milsap. Don't judge, please. Anyway, I'm sitting at this long ass traffic light, and I see her. The Eastwickean Soccer Mom. She even has the Eastwickean Soccer Mom symbol glued to her head (that would be her cell phone). She proceeds to try and cross six lanes of traffic while making a left turn. She's in front of me (I'm in the middle lane), and I see a car coming up on my left. The car is doing the speed limit and not driving recklessly by any means. The ESM rams right into this poor soul. What did I do? I pulled around the ESM and came home. Before you judge me, please hear me out. One, I knew the cops could see whose fault this was. The bitch was trying to make a left hand turn across six lanes of traffic. The poor soul was just trying to drive straight. Two, this is a VERY busy intersection, so I didn't want to get run over and killed. I just kept thinking that the ESM probably has like three cars she can drive around. The poor soul probably just paid hers off and is super excited about her slightly used Kia. Damn! I felt for the poor soul, but I just couldn't risk (a) having my car plowed down by an ESM or (b) having an ESM actually plow me down. When will these uppity bitches learn how to drive? There was a stoplight 50 yards from this ESM. She could have waited at the light and turned when her little left hand arrow turned green. Stupid bitch! I'm feeling a little remorseful. Should I have waited around?

Is There a Tax Conspiracy in Eastwick?

I received my car taxes a few weeks ago. I started looking at them and realized they were higher than last year. My car's market value had decreased, but my taxes had increased. Hmmm. I didn't hear of taxes going up, but I thought I could have missed it. I checked the county and city websites. Nada. Hmmm. I decided to write the Eastwick Auditor a letter explaining my situation. One would expect some sort of information back. Nope. I received some sad, old, been duplicated too many times form titled "Request for Review." Now, I'm not arguing about the market value of my car. I just want to know why my fucking car taxes are higher than last year. Cars do NOT appreciate, people. Hell, they are not even saying it appreciated. They are basically saying, "Hey girl! Give us some more of your money because we say so." I'm starting to think that this is how Eastwick makes money. The form is not easy to follow. I can't imagine the average Eastwickean trying to figure the damn thing out. There are parts you can't even read because it has been duplicated so much. So, I get the pleasure of calling Jacky (with a "y" not an "ie") and trying to speak Eastwickean in order to find out what the fuck is going on with my taxes. I hate this place!

Religion in Eastwick

While Eastwick is a beautiful place to live, the "culture" is a bit much to take. There is a church on every corner, and you damn well better be a member of one. Living here has made me think of religion as a character flaw. Now, before I go further, I know this isn't really true. I've met and know a lot of people who are the real deal; however, one can tend to forget this in Eastwick. We have a "community" church, which is a fancy way for baptist affiliated churches to act like they are welcoming everyone, that has to have two city police officers direct traffic after the services. I feel sure that I am paying for the two city police officers to direct the "community" traffic. This same church also spent $25,000 on new lights for the sanctuary. Yes, I said $25,000. And, just to top everything off, most of the people I work with belong to a church. I loathe most of the people I work with, so you can see where I'm going with this.
With all of this negative religion talk, let me say that I do pray. Sometimes I pray for normal things and sometimes I pray for things like Michael Vick to get cancer and die. I know that isn't really nice, but I figure that God knows where I'm going with that, and he can help me figure out my demons. Let's face it. My demons are no one's business but my own and going to a well-lit ($25,000 worth) church on Sunday mornings will not make me a better person. So, as I sit here sipping my fancy organic coffee and as Sukie sleeps soundly in her 400 thread count sheets at home, I ask that you just simply treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's a hard thing to do, and there will be times when you fail miserably. (Like wishing Michael Vick had cancer) If you need some assistance, here is a little secret of mine. On the occasions that I do pray, I've envisioned my God as below. Sweet! Why does he have to be an old, dirty hippie anyway?

Too Funny!

I saw this on Post Secret and had to make sure you saw it. Haven't we all felt this way before?

Trashy Book Recommendations for a Bitch

I need your help. I have to travel for business in a week or so, and I need some good trash to take with me. I will be flying without Sukie, so I need something that will entertain me as much as she does. I'm thinking of a little Jackie Collins, but then I thought about people staring at me and thinking, "How trashy! She's reading Jackie Collins." Then I realized how stupid I was being. :)
I had also heard that a book titled Rattled by Debra Gallant was a really good read. Anyone know? Give me your suggestions, please. Oh, one more thing. I do not like romance novels, so no bodice ripping trash of that sort. Any other bodice ripping trash is acceptable.

Only in Eastwick

Only in a town as redneck and trashy as this can you be busting your hump to dig a hole in the red clay that passes for soil in your front yard, sweating profusely and looking your absolute worse...and get catcalls from men in passing pickup trucks: "Hey Girl! Woo Hoo!"

Says girl, "You want a pick-axe to the head, jackass?"

Someone remind me again why I live here...