Ah, Sukie, now...Part Deux

So…for Jessie’s benefit, here’s an elaboration (at least I hope I explain this in a way that makes some sense):

Our office, in an attempt to appear less bigoted (which is kind of a joke anyway, but whatever…), formed a committee designed to train the staff about issues related to diversity. The goal was to educate our fellow co-workers about different types of people and to promote tolerance at work. Well, in an attempt to reach this goal in our extremely conservative, Southern work environment, we (the committee) addressed all sorts of people and issues. I’m talking we did discussions and seminars on different races, religions, ethnicities, etc.

Wonderful, right? Sure. Until...(dum, da, dum, dum) the committee attempted to discuss the issue of homophobia. Note: We were very careful. Our information was strictly informative in nature: this is what homophobia is. We did not push any “agenda” on anyone. We did not attempt to persuade anyone that homosexuality is good, ok, or preferable (not that we happen to think it’s bad, but we know our audience well enough to stick to what we think we can actually accomplish. We know we are not going to convince these people that homosexuality is not a mortal sin, but we just want to try to get them not to hate people/discriminate against them based on sexual preference).

Anyway…so, the president of the company vetoed our session on homophobia…in part based on a PowerPoint presentation in which we defined the terms “heterosexism” and “homophobia.” Well, the committee reconvened to discuss the veto, and little Miss Frizzy Head looks at the PowerPoint slide with part of the definition of “heterosexism” on it, and says, “Actually, I, too, am offended by the fact that you think it’s wrong I assume that everyone is heterosexual. I mean, it's my assumption, you can't say it's wrong.”

And that is when I lost my cool. A) because that’s not what it said/ meant (never did anything we created say anything was "right" or "wrong" and B) because it is wrong.

And so I lunged across the table, and said, “That’s not what it says! That is not even the issue up for discussion.” (Because--remember--I cannot control myself anymore, apparently--i never intended to lunge or shout; it just happened)

And then she attempted to respond with some nonsense, and I didn’t even let her get it all out before shouting again, “It’s not OK. It’s not OK for you to assume I am a heterosexual. You don’t know me! You don’t know who or what I am! Maybe I have a girlfriend! Maybe I have a wife! By definition, if you assume I am a heterosexual, you are heterosexist. That’s the definition!”

And then, she said, “But it’s wrong…”

And then, according to Alex, I pushed an imaginary piece of paper across the table and sat back, and said “And that’s the problem with this place” and crossed my arms (According to Alex I do this in meetings all the time now...and thanks to her, I have just now realized that I have this habit of giving people imaginary pieces of secret paper).

I don’t know how to get my cool back…I at least used to be able to hold my tongue 'til later...but lately I just shout out whatever is in my head--like Tourette's, only not.

Yesterday, I couldn't stop myself either--in a different meeting, with a different committee, the committee leader kept insisting that Ms. Flaky was on our committee, and I was all, "She's not. She hasn't been to a meeting in forever." To which she responded, "She came to one." Could I stop there? No. So then, I say, "Yeah, once in two years. Great." Seriously. I can't shut myself up. Not even a little. And now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I pushed that imaginary piece of paper across the table then, too.

What am I going to do?

Ah, Sukie, now...

Y'all: I am losing my mind...and my job may go with it.

I've always been...well, bitchy...but people kept saying I'd grow out of it.

I swear, it ain't got nothing to do with being young and hot-tempered because I am getting worse. I used to at least be able to hold my tongue. But my tongue is just on the loose these days. I can't even shut myself up sometimes.

Today, in a meeting, I lunged across the table at a woman...yes, lunged...literally...as in my whole body moved, and Mr. Vomit got all tense and someone else had to leave the room.

Wanna know what Alexandra did? Bitch laughed at me...quietly on the inside while cutting her eyes at me...egging me on.

When I lose my job and can't pay the mortgage, I'm moving in with her. Good thing she likes me.

Unbelievable...but a Relief

You guys know that Sukie and I hate it here in Eastwick. Here is another reason why we hate it. It turns out that the media screwed up, and Mr. Bitchford's friend's mom was the third person shot at the home, and she is ALIVE! Can you believe the local media dropped the ball on this? They actually showed a photo of Mr. Bitchford's friend when she was young, and she was standing with her mother. They got the wrong photo! I'm very grateful that she survived. We've decided to just give her some space and send a nice card. I want her to know that we are thinking of her, but I don't want to be intrusive.

Update

I didn't feel like typing much last night, so I thought I would give you an update. Mr. Bitchford works with this woman, and he was coming in from lunch yesterday when she was in the parking lot with another employee. She was on her cell phone. Her mother had been shot, and her mom called her first. It turns out that the woman's grandparents were going through a nasty divorce, and the mother was at the house. The mother's own father killed both of his adult daughters, and then he turned the gun on himself. I don't know if Mr. Bitchford's friend was on the phone when her mother passed or not. The woman didn't have any family she was close to except for her mother and her aunt. I'm actually at a loss for words or actions. I feel like I should do something for her, but I don't know what. If anyone has some good advice or suggestions, please comment. Please keep this woman in your thoughts and/or prayers.

Sad Days

A friend of Mr. Bitchford's lost her mother in a shooting this afternoon. Make sure you tell someone how much he/she means to you tonight. More later...

I'm Addicted to The Hills

Yes, I can admit it. I'm addicted to The Hills. I stay up past my bedtime every Monday, and I wait to see if Heidi will finally pull Lauren's hair weave out. This week featured Heidi's no top lip, scummy boyfriend's sister. She saw Lauren in a bar, and I just knew she was going to throw down, BUT...nope. Damn! Don't even get me started with the spineless Audrina. Girlfriend saw her boyfriend kissing someone else in a bar...right in front of her! Where Sukie and I are from, if you see something like this, bitch will have her hair wrapped around your hand and have her face planted firmly in some gravel. Spineless Audrina decides to leave in the same car with the Jordan Catalano wanna-be (remember him?). She breaks up with him later, but that doesn't really count anymore. To add to my shame, the show ended with a little ditty by Frente. It took me back to my younger days. I then realized that every teeny bopper in town will now be rocking to my blast from the past. The dumbasses won't even realize that it's not new! Why do I watch this again? Is there anyone else out there addicted to The Hills? Please say yes and free me from my shame.

A Vulgar Thanksgiving

First, I must say that I had a great Thanksgiving. We got together with some of our honorary bitches and had a great feast. My parents joined us this year, and they were a hoot. They keep surprising me the older they get. My mother never drinks, and she had had two small glasses of wine before dinner. She all of a sudden bursts out with this statement. "I didn't know what a cunt was until I was married!" She then giggles, and then my dad just starts cracking up. Through the years, I've learned that my parents will occasionally blurt shit like this out, so I wasn't too embarrassed. My dad decides to give one of our hosts a bit of advice. I forget what the subject was, but this was his response. "Do you know what you do if someone throws a bucket of shit on you? You throw a bucket of shit right back at them." OMG! The evening ended with my dad telling bad jokes and watching football. My mother migrated to our hosts' couch and tried to take a nap. Oh yeah, and everyone was farting the place up. All in all, this was a great beginning to my holidays.