Happy Halloween from the Bitches!

Dear Pet Owners,

Do you think your pets enjoy this?

I am pretty sure they don't, which means you just do it for your own amusement.

Shame on you.

Love,

Sukie

It's Official!

Do you guys remember Loverboy? That's what I called the asshole who sexually harassed me at work. Anyway, our company dropped him as a client this past Friday. It was officially announced yesterday. Woo hoo! Score one for the ladies. :)

Dear New-Millenium Yuppies,

You have taken monogramming too far...

You make me want to crash into your SUVs.

Love,

Sukie

Dear Flip-Flop Fashionistas,

If you can not (a) pick up your fucking feet instead of dragging them across the pavement, (b) buy a new pair of flip-flops once your fave pair start to get dirty and crusty, or (c) understand that the flip-flop is a summer shoe and should not be worn when there is a chill in the air, then you revoke your fucking right to wear the shoe/sandal!

P.S.
Have you ever wondered if men who wear flip-flops have pee on their feet? It has to splatter, right?

10 Responses to "Why don't you have children?"

10. I really like shopping at Ann Taylor and wouldn't have the money if I had children.
9. Burst into tears. No response needed.
8. Oh, I have one. Mary? Mary? Oops, I must have lost her.
7. My ex-husband got them in the divorce.
6. The state took them away.
5. God didn't deem me fit to parent.
4. Why are you ugly?
3. I'm barren.
2. My husband is reproductively challenged.
1. Bitch! Why are you so rude?

To be fair, I don't really dislike children. I just don't want any right now. I might change my mind later, but I doubt it. I don't think ALL people with children are so rude. I think the ones who ask me are questioning why they themselves have kids. Know what I mean? The parents who seem happy with their choice don't ever ask this stupid, rude question.

Primary School Mother Jailed

http://www.goupstate.com/article/20071027/NEWS/710270315/1051/NEWS01

This little town is smaller than Eastwick, but it's the same idea. Do parents act like this all over the country? Any good stories?

The Potty Police

One of my pet peeves is pee on a seat. (hehe...alliteration! Sort of.) Anyway, I went into our communal restroom, and a woman was coming out of the only free stall. I stepped in, and the seat was covered in pee. It looked like she had actually positioned herself over the toilet while hoola hooping and peeing. What the fuck, lady? I then did something I've never had the nerve to do. I'm not sure if it's because it's Friday or because I'm wearing my snappy, new Betsy Johnson heels. Whatever the reason, I stepped back out of the stall, and I asked her why she had peed all over the seat. First, she stared at me like, "What did you just ask me?" My response to this look was, "Well?" She said, "There was pee on it before I went in there, and I didn't want to sit down." Ever hear of toilet paper? Every hear of a seat cover? Damn! I then asked, "So, should I have to clean up your piss because you didn't feel like cleaning the seat before you skanked it all up?" She then told me I was very rude and left. Again, what the fuck? How can I be rude when you pissed the seat all up? I think The Bitches should start a campaign. It will be called "Please be Neat and Clean the Seat, you Dirty Bitch!" If everyone would just sit her happy ass down on the seat, then there would be no pee. And, yes, I am aware that pee is sterile, but I still don't want to sit down in someone else's.

A Little Natalie Dee to End the Day

Racism?

Since this blog is already mired in controversy (thanks, Alexandra), I figure I'll just throw some more potentially contentious subject matter out there...

Please don't call me racist, but...are we getting a little sensitive about the noose?

I mean...I get it, but now we're pissed about Halloween decorations?? And it's not okay for the figure to hang, but it is OK for him to be stabbed?? I mean, really, we could probably make that an issue, too: it stereotypes black people as murder victims--likely to be stabbed in drug fights. Is it better if they'd made the man from white trash bags instead of black trash bags? Perhaps we ought to spray paint all the ghouls blue?

IDK...I see where people could be offended...especially since the noose seems to be making a comeback as a symbol of oppression lately (PS: what's that about anyway??)

On the other hand, lots of people were hung to death by nooses--not just African-Americans. It was a form of the death penalty for quite some time. I wouldn't be happy if someone hung a noose on my doorknob, and I'm white. In that case, it's clearly meant to be intimidating. But as a Halloween decoration? IDK.

What do you think? Truly offensive or we're too sensitive?

Drought in Eastwick

Eastwick is going through a VERY scary drought. Our lake has turned into a freakin' national forest. I was on my way home yesterday, and I noticed that a fire hydrant was spewing water everywhere. No one was around. There is no telling how long it had been spewing water. I call the water company.
Me: "Yes. Did you know that there is a fire hydrant spewing water on Crest Street?"
Water person: "Ummm...hold on...ummm...no?"
Me: "Well, there is. Can you please send someone out because I don't think anyone meant for the fire hydrant to be spewing water for no good reason."
Water person: "Ummm...yeah...wait...what do you want me to do about it?"
Me: "Considering that people's wells are drying up, and Georgia is in a freakin' state of emergency, maybe someone should turn the fire hydrant off."
Water person: "What?"
OMG! That damn thing spewed water for over an hour more. Finally, someone came and turned it off. Waste, waste, waste! Eastwick hasn't even asked its citizens to conserve water. WTF?

California Wildfires

First, let me say that I do think it is wonderful how volunteers have rushed to the aid of these people. I just watched CNN and saw that there was not only food and clothing available to evacuees, but acupuncture, yoga, AA meetings, and arts and crafts for children. There was even a booth called "FEMA Questions Answered Here". I think everyone knows what my next question is...why didn't the Katrina evacuees have this treatment? I've heard people say things like, "because the Katrina evacuees acted like animals." Others have said, "Simple. They are the forgotten." I'm actually surprised I haven't seen any news coverage of a comparison. It does seem to me that in the case of devastation like this, we should be able to provide ALL people with proper aid. My reaction to watching the sea of white faces receive its aid was tears. I can remember watching Katrina victims on television. I remember watching the animals stranded on rooftops all alone. I remember watching a mother hold her baby and scream because he wouldn't wake up. It's hard to remember that, and then watch an evacuee receive his fresh t-shirts while his child clutches her coloring book. I'm not saying that the wildfire victims should not receive aid like this, but where was it for the other victims? Any thoughts?

Feelin' Defeated

Why, Martha, Why?

Do you remember that movie Parenthood from 1989 with Steve Martin? I really like that movie. Yeah--still. But the teenage daughter who marries Keanu Reeves really drives me bananas. She looks weird--I can't help it. That actress was also in 1985's The Goonies (which I also love). In that one, she played Stef Steinbrenner, the smart-mouthed, weird-looking friend of preppy, popular cheerleader Andy.

I just got done watching an episode of L&O, and she was on there, playing a junkie. It took me the entire episode to remember that Parenthood was what I knew her from. And then I got annoyed. The Goonies was '85. Parenthood was 1989. Everyone had bad hair in the 80s (I had wings for heaven's sake). Bad 80s hair is forgivable. Bad through-the-decades hair is NOT forgivable.

This L&O was 2002, and that girl was still sporting those way-not-cool, too-short bangs she had before she shaved her head in Parenthood. Why won't she grow normal bangs? I mean, if you're gonna have bangs, at least have good bangs, not bangs that look like your hairdresser hates you.

Kid Rock in Waffle House Brawl

I'm sure you've heard about Kid Rock and his Waffle House fight. It was over a girl. Do rock stars ever grow up? Maybe it's just the "Pammy" curse. Think about it. Tommy Lee was married to Pam Anderson. Kid Rock was married to Pam Anderson. Neither rock star will grow the fuck up. Both of them continue to act like 5th grade boys. What the fuck gives? And, for the record, this is what most of the boys/men look like in Eastwick. Yee Haw God Damn!

A Message for a Working Gal's Office Door

What the hell? If Sukie and I can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Jealous, ladies?

Did you all know my next door neighbor looks like this? He washes his car without his shirt on on Mondays. *sigh*

Seeing Red...

Here's what the Governor of this great Red State had to say in the paper this week: "Without more people becoming more involved in the Republican Party, democracy is at risk and America is in danger of a collapse into dictatorship."

Ummm...what? Be Republican or support dictatorship? What the Hell, Gov? You can't come up with a better to reason to join the party--all you've got is a false dilemma fallacy?? Give me a break!

10 Things I Hate

1. Drifting off to bed and wondering if I've locked the front door
2. Taking the dogs out when it's raining
3. People with no work ethic
4. My parents' phone staying busy all day on Sundays
5. Mr. Bitchford spending so much time with his work
6. The new puppy leaving tiny turds on my favorite rug
7. SUV's
8. SUV drivers
9. "Moral" republicans
10. Fake "religious" people

Please feel free to add to my list.

Eastwickean Politics

This is a quote from a local paper in Eastwick. Sheriff Wright talked about, "How God works. … Not Allah. How Jesus Christ works in your life," saying his faith helped him win office. He added that, "I'm a Republican because I don't think it's cool to kill babies. I don't think men should marry men. It's not what God intended." This man is the lead law enforcement officer for a town near Eastwick. What the fuck? Is this what we have come to? Please tell me that this type of cowboy dictatorship is just here. How do I, as a community member, respond to this crap? I feel like voting isn't enough. There needs to be a stand taken. The nut jobs like Wright get to spew their hatred to the media. This has to stop.

Oh Jenna!

For some bizarro reason, I have always been intrigued by Jenna Jameson. She didn't seem like the ordinary porn star. She was able to build this empire that the others were not. That impressed me a bit and made me curious. My loving sister gave me her book a few years ago for Christmas. Nothing like unwrapping How To Make Love Like a Porn Star in front of your relatives. Anyway, at the very least, the book made me feel REALLY smart. It had some beautiful pictures in it, as well. That was then. Have you seen pictures of her lately? What has happened to her? Did a plastic surgeon suck her brain out? Did she break all of her mirrors in a cocaine frenzy and perhaps is unaware of what she looks like? Bitch is just broke down. Damn.

Dear Co-workers,

You all suck big donkey dicks. Look at your job description. Follow it. Do those things in a timely manner. You are better than no one.
Fecklessly yours,
Alexandra Bitchford

The RoadSuck 300

My in-laws have this fancy camping van called a Roadtrek. Mr. Bitchford and I decided we would go see the leaves turn and hike around with the doggies. I'm not exactly a woodsy type of bitch, so I was hesitant. Then he told me about his parent's Roadtrek. I would be able to pee in a toilet, shower with warm water, dry my hair, and watch movies on a plasma screen all while in the woods! Shit. This sounded better than my house. We get there, and it is just a tad windy. The sun was out, so I'm thinking it can't get that cold. It's 3:00 a.m. The battery on the Roadtrek goes dead. This means no heat. It's freezing (literally). Even the dogs can't take it anymore. OMG! I got to take a warm shower, and I realize that it isn't exactly like home. You have to get wet, turn off the water, soap up, turn on the water, and rinse. This means that you are freezing and soapy. I go to dry my hair, and I manage to blow a fuse. Now, you are probably thinking that I'm expecting a bit much from the Roadtrek, but I'm not. It has outlets. It has a shower with a warm water option. It has a furnace. Wouldn't you think this meant you could actually use these features? Nope. Once the dogs started to whine, Mr. Bitchford decided to call it quits. We came home a day early. This is how the fancy, expensive Roadtrek 300 became known as the RoadSuck 300. The end.

That's wack

A new study "found the stress and anxiety of hostile, angry relationships can boost the risk of developing heart disease. Chances of a heart attack or chest pain rose by 34 percent compared to people on good terms with a spouse or partner." Is this what happened to Bobby Brown?? Or was that the wack crack?? (File this, the study, under Reason # 14 not to get married).

A Letter from Your Older and Smarter Self

Have you ever looked back on a time in your life and wished you could have handled it differently? Perhaps made a different choice? Here is my solution: a letter to your younger self from your older self.

Dear Alexandra,
Here are a few things you should know.

1. Enjoy your mother's hand-me-down Camry. It's free, and someone else pays the car insurance.

2. When you enter your 30's, you will no longer be a size 2. You will have to do things like work in order to pay your mortgage rather than go to the gym and rely on vodka for sustenance. You will no longer be concerned with squeezing into those cute, tiny capris from The Gap. Get over it.

3. Shoes will fit you no matter your size. Invest wisely.

4. You will not need a man to help support you. The only reason you should even entertain the idea of living with one is if he has a large penis and knows how to use it correctly...and often.

5. You will hate most of the people you work with most of the time. This will be the case in every place that you work. Get over it.

6. Everyone will expect you to have babies. This is not a good reason to have any.

7. Everyone will expect you to get married. This is not a good reason to do it.

8. Divorces are expensive. Choose wisely.

9. Chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon will no longer seem like the cool thing to do. Enjoy your cheap and nasty beer while you are young.

10. A good Friday night will no longer consist of frat boys and cigarettes. It will be making sure you stay up late enough to catch Clinton and Stacey on What Not to Wear.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford

P.S. You did inherit your grandmother's hips. Get over it.

Oh my...

The new dog came in from doing her business, and it looks like she tried to shit out Foxy Brown. There is a rather large, afro looking clump of blackish/brownish hair coming out of her little butt. *sigh*

Guess Which Bitch

Guess which bitch had to go plug a company product today? Guess which bitch ended up with a piece of brownie falling into her bra? Guess which bitch then proceeded to fish it out of said bra in front of everyone? :)

The Perils of Owning a Small Dog

My new dog has tons of personality and has really kept me on my toes. Also, you must understand that (1) she has only been here a few months and (2) I've never owned a small dog before. She has MAJOR attitude. I'm not sure if this is just her personality or if it is a side effect from being small. She also acts like she owns EVERYTHING in the house, including me. Mr. Bitchford and I are her property, and I don't even know what to say about how she treats the other animals. She moved in and became alpha dog, which is weird since she is the newest member of the family. The nastiest thing of all, though, is her insistence on eating the other dog's hair. She will climb on her and actually try to pull her hair out. If this doesn't work, she will root under the bed until she can find a hairball...then she gobbles it up. If this isn't bad enough, she then poops out the hair. The bad thing is that she will come in from doing her business and have a clump of the other dog's hair sticking out of her ass! I'm not sure what to do about this, and I've started to wonder if it is just a small dog thing. Ugh! I might as well have had a baby.

Christmas!

So, I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping lately. I took a little inventory of my presents today, and I found myself wanting to keep most of them. Is that a good thing? Obviously I won't keep them, but I do have to say that my peeps are getting some good shit this year! What's a girl to do?

10 Reasons You Should NOT Have Watched Rock of Love

Here is a list for the guys and the girls!

10. They blurred out stripper Heather's titties
9. There were some fugly bitches on the show
8. Bret Michael's hair weave was baaaad
7. Crazy Lacey really didn't even do anything that evil (Sukie and I could have done better)
6. Jes's stupid crooked necklace would have gotten on your nerves
5. Bret Michael's is really short
4. They didn't reveal that Brandie C. was really a porn star (this is good info for a reality show)
3. Bret Michael's pussed out and told the girls he couldn't party so hard (man, he got old)
2. Most of the girl-on-girl action was left out
1. He sent stripper Heather's ass home (who makes a better rock star girlfriend than a hot stripper, who also agrees to share you with another woman? Ummmm...no one.)

Today's Anthem

I know that Britney Spears is having a bad week--what with losing custody of her kids and all--and perhaps it is because she is having a bad week, and I am having a bad week that I am
choosing a Britney Spears song for my anthem of the day: "Do Something."

"I see you looking at me like I'm some kind of freak/
Get up out of your seat/
Why don't you do something!"

Anthems of the day are songs that get me through the day when all I really want to do is go back to sleep--and the last thing I want to do is show up at work and deal with the punks I have to see on a daily basis--who (btw) have thrown the last straw on the proverbial camel's back this week. And so I choose "Do Something," so I can go into work with a big attitude: "Get up out of your seat/Why don't you do something?"

Punks.

Don't try to take me on--I will shut you down.
Yeah.
Thanks Britney (PS: go to rehab--quick).

Let's Hear It for Anucha Browne Sanders

Since Sukie and I both have been sexually harassed at work within the past month, I thought we should celebrate one woman's victory. Sukie and I will clink our glasses for Ms. Anucha Browne Sanders this evening. I hope other ladies do the same. It's not easy to go through something like this or even report it. This woman is tough, and I am glad she stood up for herself and the rest of us.

http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3682294&page=1

Today SUCKED

Sexual harassment sucks.

Sometimes I wish I had a dick, so I wouldn't have to work SO hard for respect...only to have it undermined by some punk-ass man with less education and less common sense than me.

The End.

Baby and a Boob Job

There is only one question today, folks. Why?