Happy Holidays...or not

Verbatim from the Eastwick News in the "Letters to the Editor" section (always a fun read):

"Hey all you people out there, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May God bless you all, and I don't care who doesn't like it. I refuse to say Happy Holidays."

Says Sukie, "Ummm...Ok, thanks for sharing that little temper tantrum...what are you, like, 8? And have you been hanging out at Big New Church watching baby Jesus descend from the ceiling in the midst of rock music and $25,000 worth of lights?"

Another one:

"Why is it that if you tell somebody something good, it never goes anywhere else, but when you say something bad, it goes all over town? And also watch out in parking lots when you are shopping. People come across the lots and speed all the time, I was almost hit just the other day. And please hold on to your purse."

Says Sukie, "Do you have ADD??? What does one thing in this note have to do with another? Any other random gripes?"

And one more:

"I disagree with this newspaper's position on a mandated smoking ban. Eighty percent of us no longer smoke. It seems like the tail is wagging the dog."

Says Sukie, "Can a tail wag a dog? Just wondering...is that something your pa used to say? Thought so."

Wait...just one more:

"I am an Eastwick University graduate. The media is using this death like a dog with a bone and they need to educate about alcohol poisoning and quitting alcohol. Use this opportunity."

Says Sukie, "Thanks for the vague pronoun reference--now I know why that used to piss my English teacher off. What death (yes, I know he means that legislator's grandson, but only 'cause I blogged it...)??? Also, thanks for the flavorful simile...I think my English teacher would have marked that 'cliche,' but what do I know? On a personal note, if I quit alcohol, I might blow up this town. Use that opportunity."

And to all a good night...