So today I'm leaving the office supply store after a trip for some supplies for work when this man approaches me:
"Ma'am, ma'am, excuse me, ma'am?"
I turn towards him thinking perhaps he needs some help.
He says, "Have you been born again?"
I couldn't help myself: "Well, yes, sir, I sure have. Matter of fact, I been born again 4 times now, but this is my first shot at being human, and I gotta tell ya, I think I prefer a dog's life."
He blinked.
Sorry, bud, wrong day, wrong bitch.

Sisqo Would be Proud

The Cougar's knitted thongs arrived today! They are fabulous and wonderful. In case you were wondering, they are very soft and seem like they would be comfortable. I would highly recommend ordering these for gifts or just as a treat for yourself. I ran by the mail room to see if they had arrived, and I was on my way to a fundraising meeting. There were a ton of old, white men at this meeting. It pleased me to know that I had four hand knit thongs in my bag. At one point, I kept envisioning myself dancing on the boardroom table and throwing the thongs in all of their faces. I found myself humming the following:

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong"

A girl can dream...

Where in the hell...

is John fuckin' Edwards? Why has he not endorsed a candidate yet? The people of North Carolina are voting, and he is nowhere to be found. Anyone seen him?

The man sure can wear some fleece. Mmm.

Ice Man

This is my new neighbor. No, I'm not kidding. He has hair likes this and wears mirrored sunglasses. I was in the hammock yesterday, and I heard the revving engine of his crotch rocket. Yuck! Once he climbed off of his giant man vibrator, he started to do yard work. When he would get close enough to me, I would start to sing softly. "Highway to the Danger Zone. I'll take you right into the Danger Zone." Nothing. Hmmm. Maybe I can sneak and take a real pic for you guys.

I Hate Elizabeth Hasselbeck and The Rest of Those Bitches (Except for Joy Behar)

Sukie has written about her pure hatred of Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and now it is my turn. I should have known better than to have the television on today. I was working from home, and I had it on for background noise. Anyway, The View came on. There she was. Little Miss Stick Up Her Ass Republican. I have friends who are Republicans, and they don't say stupid shit like this dumb bitch does. What's up with that? Republicans, is this really who you want representing your young age demographic? She sucks! I can tell that Barbara Walters secretly wants to slap a bitch. I keep waiting for Joy Behar to do it. Luckily, Sherri Sheperd was out today. Maybe she fell of the Earth over the weekend. She did think it was flat and all. Cindy McCain, John McCain's wife, was sitting in for her. Since I'm being a catty bitch today, I'm going to end this entry with one last nasty remark. Cindy McCain's teeth are jacked up. I think she should go back to smiling with her mouth closed and being silent. She had nothing to contribute to the show today. The end.

WTF Tom Cruise?

Does Tom Cruise have on a wedge sneaker at his child's birthday party? Seriously.

Dancing Queen

I started a morning routine a few months back because I thought exercise would help my stress levels. It has helped, but I've started to get bored on my same old elliptical machine. I bought some new songs for my Ipod, but that didn't really help to motivate me either. The truth is that I used to LOVE Jazzercise. I would go surround myself with middle-aged ladies in spandex and dance my hour of exercise away. I moved, and there are no Jazzercise places close to me. My favorite part of Jazzercise was step class. I learned how to do all of these crazy-ass routines, and it was fun. I looked like an idiot, but I didn't really care. I've been threatening to buy a step for awhile, but I couldn't find one for less than $50. I think that's crazy! Mr. Bitchford kept trying to get me to purchase one, and this morning he brought one home. I was so excited. I just finished my first workout on my new step, and I think I've already gotten $50 worth of fun out of it. If I'm going to use it, I guess I shouldn't worry about how much it costs. Here's a pic of my new stress reliever.

Update

The Cougar is getting crocheted thongs for her lingerie present. Check a pair out at David's Doll. Thanks, Jessie!

Whatever

I hate cookie cutter houses. I hate that they all look the same and have no personality. But mostly, I hate when people I know buy these generic McHouses, send me pictures, and then expect me to comment. What am I supposed to say? Nice house...looks just like the one Sally and Joe bought a month ago--different shade of gray, though. I like your shade of gray better. Wait. Let me guess: 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, formal dining/living, eat-in kitchen, open floor plan, with that God-forsaken "man cave" everyone has to have these days?? What'd I win?

Question to Ponder

I recently went on a business trip for a project I'm working on, and I decided to have the company pay the hotel bill before I left. This saves me a lot of headaches, and it keeps the hotel bill off of my credit card. I get reimbursed, but it does take awhile. Anyway, I get back and turn in my request for travel funds. The travel wench emails me and asks for the hotel receipt. I explain that she already paid that about a month ago. She emails back and says she must have an itemized receipt. This is where I got a little pissed. I don't usually charge things to my room, but once in awhile I might. My job does not pay for anything but the room, food, and airline tickets. There are no expense accounts for anything else. Why should my company be privy to what I spend my own money on? What if I wanted to order a bowl of macaroni and cheese, a glass of champagne, and Giant Cocks 3.0 on my pay-per-view? Is it really any of this bitch's business?

Well, Shit...

I don't know what to do. I received a shower invitation from The Cougar today. It's a lingerie shower, and it has a dumb ass saying on the front of it. And, it is pink. Here's the confusing part. It doesn't say what size she is. Shouldn't it give me a panty and bra size? Mr. Bitchford wondered if they would just have a catalogue there, and I would have to pick something from it for her. Ahhh! I hate shit like that. I wish I could just send my mom in my place. She loves crap like that...even if she doesn't know the person. The truth is that with the house being hit by lighting, we have a few pricey items to fix this month. The budget is kind of low, so I can't afford anything too expensive for The Cougar. As you could imagine, The Cougar has expensive taste. I hate to be a party pooper, but I think I'm going to send my regrets. What should I do?

P.S.
Just for the record, I googled "panty" because it just didn't look right to me. I wanted to make sure I spelled it correctly. Do NOT do this. You will get things like "Hot Naked 12-year old Asian Girls in Leopard Panty. Oooh." Eww.

Eastwick, Welcome to the Real World

Sunday alcohol sales passed today! Yes, Eastwick has been in the dark ages for awhile now. You couldn't buy alcohol on Sunday. This still doesn't mean that you can go to the grocery store and buy alcohol. Only restaurants will be allowed to sell alcohol on Sunday. But, hey...it's a start. I bet there are some of you out there that can buy liquor at the grocery store. I think people in Eastwick would nail themselves on crosses before that happened. Does anyone live in a dry county?

I'm so Christian, I named my kid after it!

I know that it's probably wrong that when I saw this on our class reunion site it made me laugh out loud, but it did (just add that to the list of reasons I'm going to hell).

"Well, lets see. First of all, I am a christian. I love the Lord with all my heart. I have been married to my husband Chris since july 2000. Then in June, 2003 God blessed Chris and I with a son. His name is Christian. He attends XXX Christian School. I am a house wife, which I love. It ables me to be fully involved with works for God and to be able to do for my family."

Come on...christian, chris, christian, chris, christian...me thinks she doth praise too much!

Oh--did I mention her name is "Angel." Self-fulfilling prophecy maybe?

Does Lighting Strike Twice? Let's Hope Not...

because it struck the house the other night. The back part of the house went completely dark. The phones were blown out. The T.V.s were blown out. And, as we found out this morning when we went to do laundry, the washing machine was struck. WTF? I don't want to claim anything on my homeowner's insurance because they are dirty, stinkin' fuck holes that will cancel my insurance. I've seen it happen to several friends, so we're going to try and fix what we can and move on. Mr. Bitchford is very handy around the house, and he has already repaired the back part of the house. The phones were a loss, so we just bought a new phone and answering machine. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, he figured out how to fix the televisions. He was stumped with the washing machine. It probably can't be fixed, which sucks because it was one of those super cool ones that didn't use a lot of water. It just makes you feel like shit when stuff like this happens. We both work so hard for the things we have, and we try to save our money for things like this. It just feels like when it rains it pours. I know I should stop whining. At least the damn house didn't burn down! On a happier note, my tulips are blooming. :)

Slow News Day in Eastwick

My morning ritual consists of a baked potato, a Diet Coke, and the Eastwick news. I know that is very weird, but it's my thing. Don't judge, please. There are usually a ton of articles about break-ins, copper thefts, drug deals, shootings, etc. There was one particular article that caught my eye, though. Apparently, two 80 year old friends had been giving each other perms. One octogenarian got pissed at the other one over her results. Maybe her curl was too tight? So, she decides to find the closest weapon. Are you ready for this? A can of snuff! She whops the other woman in the teeth with it. Moral of the story: Don't give your friend a jacked up perm.

Too much of a good thing

The Big Man in Charge (aka Mr. CEO) decided we have too many committees.

He formed the Committee on Committees to study committees within the company culture and to determine what is to be done about all these commitees.

Seriously. I couldn't make that up.

New Kicks!

Check out my new kicks! Do you think The Cougar would accept that I bought these in honor of her wedding rather than giving money to Big New Church? If you are completely lost, please read the entry below.

Friendships, The Meaning of Life, and Other Random Shit

I got home from a long day at work, and there was a wedding invitation in my mail. A friend of mine is getting married in April. First, let me give you some background. I'll call this friend The Cougar. She's about 25 years older than me, but one of those women who is still in better shape and hotter than women in their 30's. Picture a timeless beauty...like Sophia Loren. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off. We would meet after work most nights for drinks and girl talk. We were both going through nasty divorces and needed a friend who could relate. After our divorces, she met someone. He is about 15 years older than her, and if the truth be known, she was seeing him while she was married. Anyway, four years later, and they are getting married. You must understand that I don't really believe in degrees of friendship. I think that we have different people in our lives for different reasons. They serve different purposes. Some of them remain with you a lifetime and some are fleeting. I would say that The Cougar was rather fleeting, but we shared a lot of personal information with each other, so I imagine that is why we have tried to stay in touch. Soooo, I got the invitation and now I have a dilemma. The card contained a smaller card that read as follows: "In lieu of gifts, please make donations to Big New Church." Yes, this is the same church that Sukie and I talk about. I knew that The Cougar attended this church, but she isn't exactly "churchy" kind of people, so I thought she went more for show...she might. I'm not going to donate to Big New Church, but then I realized that people from Big New Church would be there. Ahhhh! I know I should go to the wedding, but now I just don't want to go. We don't talk much anymore, and we really have nothing in common anymore. But, I also don't want to end things on an awkward or bad note. I feel like I'm in high school again and trying to break up with a boy. What is a bitch to do?

Broke the Doctor's Orders

A 3rd-grade teacher disciplined a student in her class.

Next thing she knows, nine of her students have hatched a plot to attack her.

Their plot included handcuffs, a steak knife, a paper weight, tape, etc.

Here's what I want to know: what kind of fucked up world do we live in when children are so unaccustomed to discipline that they respond to it with intricate plans to commit violent acts?

(Yeah, despite my doctor's orders, I watched the news again. Damn it.)