No Words

Someone sent me this link today.

Countdown To Chaos

I really have no words. My state doesn't care about its people. The stimulus package debate is dead. It's out there now. If the governor takes this money or does not take this money, I will have to pay it back. What's going on out there? What are your states doing?

Limericks are Fun!

There once was a maiden named Purl
Who knitted for food, but then would hurl
Tried as she might
Her throat was too tight
And up it came in a swirl

By Alexandra Bitchford (no stealing, bitches)

Ok. I've been talking to an old friend that is a genius at limericks. I love these because they don't take very long, and you never know what you will get. I wrote this one in a rush, but I thought I would share. Give it a try.

Weight Loss is a Bitch

I haven't given an update on my weight loss journey since the beginning, so here it goes. As a wise woman once said, "Weight Watchers can kiss the very fattest part of my ass." It has not been easy, but I have lost a total of 17 pounds. My goal was 20, so I'm not far off. My clothes don't fit anymore, which is kind of a nice feeling. I need to buy some new ones, but I don't have a ton of extra cash, so I will be digging in the bargain bins. I have some dresses that I love, so I'm just going to have those altered. I want to reach my goal weight before I do that, though.

Now I have the actual weight loss under control, and I want to start working on building some muscle. I hate weight training, so I need some creative ideas here. Anyone? Anyone? I would love to get into some cute bathing suits this summer, so I really need to come up with a plan soon.

There are a few people I need to thank because without them, I would not have pedaled away on my elliptical.

Vanilla Ice - I rolled all the way to a 17 pound weight loss in my 5.0, so thanks.
Mary J. Blige - Girl, I "no more dramaed" my way to a firmer ass.
Poison - Just hearing Don't Need Nothin' but a Good Time makes me start to sweat.
Katy Perry - You didn't make me want to kiss a girl, but now some may want to kiss me.

Later...

The Political Cesspool

Here's a fine photo of some of our state legislators. They are literally rolling up their sleeves to support our governor. Basically, they are pissed about the stimulus plan, but they haven't really offered any solutions to our state's problem. Why? Probably because they cater to our state's problem. These are the same guys who Twitter about watching American Idol and eating at the Olive Garden. If you remember from a past post, this isn't a personal Twitter account they do this from. Perhaps American Idol or the Olive Garden is part of their solution. Who the fuck knows? As long as they keep telling the Eastwickeans that all Hispanics are nasty illegals and homosexuals don't deserve rights, then all will be right with their world. At any rate, I saw this picture today, and it made me vomit in my mouth a little bit.

Spring in Eastwick

Costco Incident

A disturbing incident happened at Costco last weekend, and I've been trying to process whether or not I took enough action or too much action. I went to visit Mrs. Flax, and I decided we should go to Costco. I had never been, and I needed lots of microwave popcorn. Off we went! First of all, Costco rocked. I wish Eastwick had one, but it's a sucky place to live, so...

Mrs. Flax and I were standing in line, and there was a boy between the ages of 8 - 10 in front of us. He was in line with a woman that looked like she was his grandmother. Directly beside us was a young family. There was a mom and dad in their late 20's or early 30's and a little girl about 3 or 4 years old. The little girl was standing up in the buggy, and she fell. It wasn't a big deal. She bumped her head, but she didn't even cry or whimper. The dad took her out of the buggy and held her. The little boy, who was in my line, pointed at her and said, "Ha ha." It wasn't even that loud. It was just the kind of stupid shit that kids do. This man punched the little boy in the stomach and said, "That's not funny." I stared with my mouth wide open. I couldn't believe that this strange man had hit a child. After about 30 seconds, I told Mrs. Flax what had happened. She had been rooting around in the cart and hadn't witnessed the madness. I leaned over and asked the little boy if he was ok. He was crying and holding his stomach. The young family got their shit together and headed towards the exit. The grandmotherly woman turned around and asked, "What happened?" I pointed to the man's back and told her that he had hit the boy. She said, "That's his dad." She didn't really say it like that changed anything, but I got this feeling that other people thought it did. She paid for her items and asked, "Did he hit him hard?" I said that he had, and I didn't realize that was his dad. She said, "It doesn't matter. He shouldn't hit him." She put her arm around the boy and started marching towards the young couple. She turned around abruptly and said, "Thank you."

I still feel like I should have done more, but is there some imaginary line that you don't cross with someone else's kid? I felt like the dad was out of line. First, I just don't think you hit children or anyone really. Now, there are times where I feel like beating the shit out of some adults, and in the past I have been in a few bar brawls, but I still know it's wrong. Plus, I haven't hit a child. I don't know what else I would have done. Technically, I doubt the police would have done anything about it. I still feel terrible, though, because that little boy probably gets pushed around a lot. If a parent is bold enough to punch a child in the stomach in public, then what is the parent doing behind closed doors? I'm just stumped and upset.

Snobs

I'm addicted to GoodReads. This is a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because I love to read, and I have stumbled across so many books that I wouldn't have discovered on my own. This is a bad thing because sometimes I just like to read trash. I can enjoy just about any kind of book. I do tend to stay away from sci-fi or fantasy, but I will try and read just about anything. I've found myself not wanting to list everything I read. Some stuff is just silly. I really like chick lit because it helps with my stress level. I don't really have to concentrate, and I know the ending will be happy. One thing I have noticed is that some reviewers are complete and total book snobs. I'm not down with this. Why be so serious? If something sucks, then I do appreciate someone telling me why he/she thought it sucked; however, don't be a snob! Here's an example. I read some of the reviews for a book called A Piece of Cake. I really liked this book, and I thought the author had an important story to tell. Other reviewers slammed her for her "bad grammar" and writing style. I didn't really see this. So, Sukie borrowed the book from me, and I was interested to see what her review would be. She liked it, and she called those other reviewers out. There wasn't any bad grammar. It was a rough story to get through, but it was real.

So, I only have a handful of friends on GoodReads, but I'm ok with that. I like chick lit and silly plot lines sometimes, and I'm ok with that. What do you expect from someone who finds shit like this just fucking hilarious?

Crazy Vacay!

Mr. Bitchford and I began our whirlwind vacation last week. It began with a crazed visit to our oldest friends' home. They are married. It was crazed because their two-year old has discovered his own free will. It was ugly, and that is all I'm gonna say. We went on to attend my nephew's b-day party. The crazy germaphobe bitch didn't show. There was screaming, happy meals, cake, and presents. My nephew's girlfriend broke up with him, and it was reported that he was in a corner repeating, "It's all my damn fault." By the end of the party, they were back together and all was well. As far as the curse words, well, we are all guilty for those. ;)

Mr. Bitchford and I headed to the mountains for a few days, and the dogs came with us. There were no phones, and there was no computer. It was very relaxing, but I am glad to be back home. I like having my own shit around me. So, a week from now I will probably be complaining about how I need another vacation, but for now, I'm glad things are winding down. I'm also glad to NOT be trapped in the fucking car anymore.

Our governor still sucks. Eastwick is still built upon the stinking, steaming depths of hell. The Eastwickeans still drive like they are in wind up cars and will lose power at any second. I love being back home.

Germaphobe Soccer Mom Saga Continues

Here's the latest email.

"I know you probably think I am the biggest goof but the actual Flu (versus just strep, head cold, etc.) can be fatal and I know that McD's never cleans their toys, spit, saliva and germs are all over those climbing things, and normally I would care less, but its the flu. Every snot nosed kid there would creep me out and in my heart, I just can't do it (I have thought about it over and over). I do have something for the birthday boy. Is there an evening/afternoon next week that we can get together for a little playdate?"

Do moms seriously send shit like this to other people? I've come up with a variety of responses.

1. Fuck off, crazy flu whore.
2. I'm sorry. If your kid comes over to my house, my kid might make him sick and kill him.
3. You are officially uninvited and banned from ever communicating with me again.

I know you guys will have some more. What are the chances that a woman (or a man) will make this little boy happy one day? I'm guessing the chances are slim.

Birthday Parties and Crazy Soccer Moms

A friend of mine is throwing her little boy a birthday party on Saturday. After much debate about the weather, it was decided to go with the traditional McDonald's party. I remember these as a kid, and I thought they rocked. So, my friend sent out her invites, and she got a rather weird and nasty response from another mother. It goes a little something like this.

"My only hesitancy is the that the flu has just started going around and McDonald's playground- ugh. The flu can be fatal and is at a minimum, really miserable for 10 days. Unless McDonald's regularly cleans its playground and toys..."

Seriously, soccer mom bitch? Your kid is the reason the germs are everywhere! Do you think the school your child attends wipes everything down each day? They don't! I wanted to respond to her and tell her to keep her stupid ass at home, but it's not really the kid's fault that the mom is a nut job. Poor kid. So, what would your response have been? I honestly can't wait to hear The Doll's response. ;)

Don't Let Your Champagne Taste Ruin Your Beer Budget

Ok—has anyone else seen the story about the bus driver who is on the verge of losing the $800,000 house she and her husband bought? Now, look, some of the foreclosures happening in America today are unfair. The lending industry did take advantage of a lot of people with their crooked mortgages and lending practices. HOWEVER, this is not really one of those cases. (Well, it is a little bit) Yes, the lender here is at partial fault because really? What lender would look at these people and think “Yes, these people will probably be able to pay off this house. This probably won’t end in foreclosure.” (I am assuming, of course, that banks prefer that people pay their mortgages rather than foreclosing on them, but I don’t really know that) And the fact that they allowed these MORONS to believe that they could afford an $800 K house is both ridiculous and wrong. HOWEVER (again), the bus driver and her husband are equally at fault because how ducking stupid do you have to be to think you can afford that house???

According to this salary wizard that I found online, the median salary for a bus driver in the US is $18,446. Now, I haven’t been able to figure out what her husband does for a living, but let’s just suppose he makes $30,000 (I’m willing to bet, however, he doesn’t make that much). That would give them a little over $48,000/year. According to this simple loan calculator that I found via Google, a 30-year loan for an $800,000 house at a low interest rate of 5.75% would end up costing these people $4668.58 per month. So…some more basic math: $48,000/12 = 4000. Now, that’s how much a month these people would have without giving up any of it to taxes or anything. And that? Isn’t even enough to cover the mortgage payment, much less electricity, gas, telephone, groceries. Now, your mortgage payment is not supposed to be more than 20% of your monthly income. I am really bad at math, but here’s what I figured: 20% of 23,342 is 4,668.40, so they would need a monthly income of over $23,000. Thus, they would need (not accounting for taxes again…) a yearly salary of $280,104. Pretty sure that has a snowball’s chance in Hell of happening. So I ask you: What lender would approve such a mortgage? And what idiot potential homebuyer wouldn’t look at that mortgage payment, and think, “How will I pay this?”

Note: I did not take into account any down payment because I figure any down payment they could have made: 10%, 20% wouldn't have made much of a difference in this case...but because several people on my other blog are optimists and suggested that maybe they put down a hefty down payment or "came into some money," I did a few more calculations. Not accounting for what comes out for taxes, IF they make a combined income of $48,000, they'd be bringing in $4000 each month. 20% of that is $800. Even if they came into some money from somewhere...to get the payment down to something they could afford ($800), they'd have had to put down $650,000 (and the payment would be around $875). Now, what are the odds these people inherited $650,000 from someone to put down on this $800 K house? My guess is the odds aren't too good. Simply put, the lenders in this case allowed these people to believe they could afford a house way outside their means, and the homeowners themselves were stupid...yeah, just stupid.

This example is also a sad commentary on our current American society. We are a nation of people seeking instant gratification and a nation of people who feel entitled. We are greedy. We have to start learning to live smaller, to live with less. We need to learn that we are not entitled to the best of the best. Are we all entitled to the American Dream? Sure. But we need to redefine the American Dream of the new millennium. In the 50s it was a lot simpler. I know because I am living in someone’s 1950s-era American Dream House. And it cost less than $100,000. And I can afford it because I make more than $18,446. Would I not love to also live in the lap of luxury with an $800,000 house, and a couple new sports cars, and ducking cabana boy by my custom pool? Sure. But I’m not willing to let any taste for champagne spoil my beer budget. And that’s what we need to come back to in this country. Unfortunately, it’s probably going to be a hard and long lesson for us to learn because we’ve been spoiled too much too long.

First of all, I would like to say that I really hope that Haleigh Cummings of Florida is found alive and well and unmolested. I really do. She's just a little girl. I hope she'll be ok.

With that out of the way, I would like to add that if, while in the midst of searching for your missing little girl, you take a time-out to get a commemorative tattoo, you might be a big, old douchebag.

The end.

Hypocrites

As a person living in a red, red state (and an even redder town), I am just not that surprised by this really. I think it's kind of like the "he who smelt it, dealt it" rule. He who condemns it loves it. Just like how all those crazy evangelical preachers keep getting busted for partaking of the sins they preach against in the pulpit. Homophobes, for example, who are having elicit sex with male prostitutes. I'm just saying...there's a reason those living in conservative and religious states are buying more online porn. Why don't they just give it up already???

The Morning After

We ended up with about 3 inches of beautiful, white snow. Sukie almost lost her car due to a dead tree, but she got lucky. Everyone seemed to keep their power and not have any damage. The dogs just went bat shit crazy. One acts like a snow plow, and the other one is too small and hairless to enjoy it on her own. She hid in my jacket, while the snow fell on her tongue. Weirdo. What a great morning. Here are some pictures from this a.m.

My magnolia tree

Small vineyard in the back

Snow in Eastwick!

You know that saying that people in hell want ice water, but they don't get it? Guess what? They do today! It's snowing in Eastwick! Mr. Bitchford thinks I'm funny because he grew up where it snows a lot. I can't help it. When you never get to see any, it's just so pretty. Here are a few pics. We are due to get anywhere from 3 to 5 inches, which is a huge deal to us. Plus, everything shuts down around here because no one knows how to drive in it. Woo hoo!

Update

This just makes me feel like a kid again. We could get up to 5 inches, which is a lot for us. The dogs and I have been running around the neighborhood with all of the kids. I've opened all of the windows in the house, so I don't miss it. My b-day is Wednesday, and it's like an early birthday present.