Pondering

Things that have run through my head today:

1. Why aren't hairy legs acceptable?
2. Why am I not hungry for breakfast when I have all day to burn that food off?
3. Do people really not understand what a four-way stop is?
4. Did I hit her or did she just run into my hand?
5. Shouldn't being a bleach blonde be much easier?
6. Those might possibly be the largest natural breasts I have ever seen.
7. Where is my flying car? Isn't it 2009?
8. Does my cube mate really think I want to hear him cough up a phlegm ball and spit it into the garbage?
9. Are dirty tennis shoes acceptable work attire?
10. Should I tell the office manager about the goopy mascara that gathers in the corners of her eyes each day?

A Holiday Meme

Why? Because I can! :)

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
Mmmm...vodka.

2. Letter to Santa?
Nope, but I do like to sit on his lap. ;)

3. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?
When I was a kid, they were just under the tree. Now, they are wrapped.

4. Colored lights on your tree/house or white?
White. It's probably the only somewhat tasteful thing I do.

5. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope, but it is hanging from the high limbs of my dying oak trees.

6. When do you put your decorations up?
Day after Thanksgiving, but I was a little late this year.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
My grandparents would show up on Christmas morning with the truck loaded down with gifts from Santa. I also loved the stockings my mom put together.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
He's not real?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
YES! My sister and I have a tradition. We get each other a totally inappropriate Christmas gift every year. Last year, I received a book by Jenna Jameson called How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. I highly recommend it.

10. Can you ice skate?
Yes. I'm a regular Tonya Harding.

11. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Yep. My nephew gave me a 1950's silver Christmas tree with elves' heads all over it. It's kitschy and wonderful.

12. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I love Christmas Eve at my sister's house. Everyone is loud, happy, and tipsy.

13. What tops your tree?
Bitterness. I used to have this cool tree topper, but my ex-husband fumbled around with his stupid monkey fingers and broke it one year. Asshole.

14. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Jesus Was Born Today by the Oak Ridge Boys
Please don't judge.

Ok. I would finish this meme, but Mr. Bitchford just walked in naked, so I'm gonna go see what that's all about. Please complete the meme and share with the Bitches. Thanks!

Vagina Slang

I know you have heard Oprah call her vagina a "va-jay-jay." With all of the funny names out there, why would she choose this one? My friends and I have come up with a small list. Please add to it.

1. A cock holster
2. Roast beef curtains
3. Monkey
4. Axe wound
5. Vertical smile
6. Nappy dugout
7. Flesh taco
8. Bearded clam
9. Velvet folds
10.Tufted taco

Why Does Baby Jesus Have Jazz Hands?

Free Comments & Graphics


There are several things disturbing about this photo. I will make a list.

1. Doesn't Mary look like Paris Hilton? Hmmm.
2. When did she have time for those super fucking realistic highlights?
3. Why is the bunny humping the lamb?
4. Were there bunnies in the manger?
5. Do bunnies pray?
6.Doesn't Joseph look a bit like Mr. Edwards from Little House on the Prairie?
7. Why in the fuck does baby Jesus have jazz hands?

10 Responses to "Why don't you have children?"

10. I really like shopping at Ann Taylor and wouldn't have the money if I had children.
9. Burst into tears. No response needed.
8. Oh, I have one. Mary? Mary? Oops, I must have lost her.
7. My ex-husband got them in the divorce.
6. The state took them away.
5. God didn't deem me fit to parent.
4. Why are you ugly?
3. I'm barren.
2. My husband is reproductively challenged.
1. Bitch! Why are you so rude?

To be fair, I don't really dislike children. I just don't want any right now. I might change my mind later, but I doubt it. I don't think ALL people with children are so rude. I think the ones who ask me are questioning why they themselves have kids. Know what I mean? The parents who seem happy with their choice don't ever ask this stupid, rude question.

10 Things I Hate

1. Drifting off to bed and wondering if I've locked the front door
2. Taking the dogs out when it's raining
3. People with no work ethic
4. My parents' phone staying busy all day on Sundays
5. Mr. Bitchford spending so much time with his work
6. The new puppy leaving tiny turds on my favorite rug
7. SUV's
8. SUV drivers
9. "Moral" republicans
10. Fake "religious" people

Please feel free to add to my list.

A Letter from Your Older and Smarter Self

Have you ever looked back on a time in your life and wished you could have handled it differently? Perhaps made a different choice? Here is my solution: a letter to your younger self from your older self.

Dear Alexandra,
Here are a few things you should know.

1. Enjoy your mother's hand-me-down Camry. It's free, and someone else pays the car insurance.

2. When you enter your 30's, you will no longer be a size 2. You will have to do things like work in order to pay your mortgage rather than go to the gym and rely on vodka for sustenance. You will no longer be concerned with squeezing into those cute, tiny capris from The Gap. Get over it.

3. Shoes will fit you no matter your size. Invest wisely.

4. You will not need a man to help support you. The only reason you should even entertain the idea of living with one is if he has a large penis and knows how to use it correctly...and often.

5. You will hate most of the people you work with most of the time. This will be the case in every place that you work. Get over it.

6. Everyone will expect you to have babies. This is not a good reason to have any.

7. Everyone will expect you to get married. This is not a good reason to do it.

8. Divorces are expensive. Choose wisely.

9. Chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon will no longer seem like the cool thing to do. Enjoy your cheap and nasty beer while you are young.

10. A good Friday night will no longer consist of frat boys and cigarettes. It will be making sure you stay up late enough to catch Clinton and Stacey on What Not to Wear.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford

P.S. You did inherit your grandmother's hips. Get over it.

10 Reasons You Should NOT Have Watched Rock of Love

Here is a list for the guys and the girls!

10. They blurred out stripper Heather's titties
9. There were some fugly bitches on the show
8. Bret Michael's hair weave was baaaad
7. Crazy Lacey really didn't even do anything that evil (Sukie and I could have done better)
6. Jes's stupid crooked necklace would have gotten on your nerves
5. Bret Michael's is really short
4. They didn't reveal that Brandie C. was really a porn star (this is good info for a reality show)
3. Bret Michael's pussed out and told the girls he couldn't party so hard (man, he got old)
2. Most of the girl-on-girl action was left out
1. He sent stripper Heather's ass home (who makes a better rock star girlfriend than a hot stripper, who also agrees to share you with another woman? Ummmm...no one.)

Top Ten Things Women in the Workplace Should Know

10. We'll never be truly appreciated for what we bring to the table
9. A wrap dress and strappy sandals can take you far (which is probably what's wrong with #10)
8. Rarely should you trust the other vixens you work with (most will be gossiping about you the second you walk away)
7. Sleep with NO ONE you work with (male or female)
6. Don't let anyone see you refreshing your lipstick (it's all down hill after that)
5. No matter how "safe" it feels, do NOT discuss the different prescriptions you take in order to continuing performing at your shitty job (the other vixens will use it against you)
4. No strapless garments. Need I say more?
3. Go ahead and be brutal. They'll call you a bitch anyway, so you might as well earn that damn title.
2. Be aware that your male higher ups want the problem fixed. They do not want to talk about it. Just fix it and never tell them.
1. Email is forever. Think before you press send. (This tip is for all people in the workplace...and in life)

A Bitch's List

I was watching my CBS morning show today, and there was a piece on lists. Apparently our society loves any and all lists. It doesn't matter how long or short or how crazy of a topic. Think about it. All magazines have lists. David Letterman has a list. Forbes has a list. VH-1 has a list. My goal is to try and post a list each week. Here is my first one.

Top Ten Things Women With Large Hooters Should Know
10. Stripes are not your friend
9. Scoop necklines are your friend
8. Turtlenecks are just out of the question
7. Loose garments only make you look like you are hiding something
6. Underwire is a must
5. You are not the only one who can't see your feet when you look down
4. Playtex cone bras are a no-no
3. Demi-cut bras were not meant for you
2. Bras are an investment. You will need to spend more than $12.99.
1. Embrace your large hooters and love them