The Great Knife Debacle

Mr. Bitchford's birthday is on Tuesday. I went shopping this morning, and I wanted to make sure I bought something from a shop downtown. I wanted to spend my money locally. I settled on the idea of getting him a nice chef's knife. He's been wanting one forever, and it's one of those things that you won't buy for yourself. We happen to have a locally owned kitchen shop, and the owner is super nice. I popped in and was instantly annoyed. There was a very loud woman on her cell phone. She was screaming about not getting a receptionist position. After the screaming woman finished her call, she asked the owner for a job application. By this time, I had selected a knife and was having it wrapped. The screamer was being told that the shop was not currently hiring, but she could leave her name and number. The screamer went on to talk about how hard it was to find a job and how badly she needed one. I get it. I have friends that have been affected by the economy. I read the paper and listen to the news. I'm not stupid. I am also very grateful that for the most part I haven't been affected. I hope this continues.

Back to my story. So, the shop owner gives me my total. It was a lot, but I knew it would be. I wanted to get him something really nice. The screamer let out a gasp. She turns to me and says, "How can you justify spending that on a stupid knife, when I can't even feed all of my children?" How in the fuck does one go about answering a question like that? I stared at her. She followed up by saying, "You are just flaunting the fact that you can spend that much. This is just stupid." Off she went out the door. The shop owner was horrified. I told her it was fine. While I think this woman was blaming the wrong person, I do understand her frustration. There was that evil side of me that wanted to ask her one question. Who did you vote for in the last national election? I had a hunch about her answer, and I might have slapped the shit out of her. But, what do you do? Can you really be angry at a woman who just wants to feed her kids? I don't know. Any thoughts?

Costco Incident

A disturbing incident happened at Costco last weekend, and I've been trying to process whether or not I took enough action or too much action. I went to visit Mrs. Flax, and I decided we should go to Costco. I had never been, and I needed lots of microwave popcorn. Off we went! First of all, Costco rocked. I wish Eastwick had one, but it's a sucky place to live, so...

Mrs. Flax and I were standing in line, and there was a boy between the ages of 8 - 10 in front of us. He was in line with a woman that looked like she was his grandmother. Directly beside us was a young family. There was a mom and dad in their late 20's or early 30's and a little girl about 3 or 4 years old. The little girl was standing up in the buggy, and she fell. It wasn't a big deal. She bumped her head, but she didn't even cry or whimper. The dad took her out of the buggy and held her. The little boy, who was in my line, pointed at her and said, "Ha ha." It wasn't even that loud. It was just the kind of stupid shit that kids do. This man punched the little boy in the stomach and said, "That's not funny." I stared with my mouth wide open. I couldn't believe that this strange man had hit a child. After about 30 seconds, I told Mrs. Flax what had happened. She had been rooting around in the cart and hadn't witnessed the madness. I leaned over and asked the little boy if he was ok. He was crying and holding his stomach. The young family got their shit together and headed towards the exit. The grandmotherly woman turned around and asked, "What happened?" I pointed to the man's back and told her that he had hit the boy. She said, "That's his dad." She didn't really say it like that changed anything, but I got this feeling that other people thought it did. She paid for her items and asked, "Did he hit him hard?" I said that he had, and I didn't realize that was his dad. She said, "It doesn't matter. He shouldn't hit him." She put her arm around the boy and started marching towards the young couple. She turned around abruptly and said, "Thank you."

I still feel like I should have done more, but is there some imaginary line that you don't cross with someone else's kid? I felt like the dad was out of line. First, I just don't think you hit children or anyone really. Now, there are times where I feel like beating the shit out of some adults, and in the past I have been in a few bar brawls, but I still know it's wrong. Plus, I haven't hit a child. I don't know what else I would have done. Technically, I doubt the police would have done anything about it. I still feel terrible, though, because that little boy probably gets pushed around a lot. If a parent is bold enough to punch a child in the stomach in public, then what is the parent doing behind closed doors? I'm just stumped and upset.

Eastwick Goes International

I took one of my dogs on a walk this morning, and we ran into Isabella Rossellini. We were strolling by a neighbor's house, and I heard something singing to me. Yes, singing. I looked over, and I saw what appeared to be a small rat in a handmade dog sweater. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the rat looked an awful lot like my dog. We walked even closer, and I noticed that the neighbor was in his yard. I asked if we could come closer, and he said sure. Turns out that he has a dog very similar to mine, and her name is Isabella Rossellini. Here's a pic that is very similar to the dog.

We get closer, and of course my bat shit crazy dog wants to start growling and spitting. She's normally very nice and friendly, but it's the first time she's ever encountered something that was smaller than her. I'm assuming this is the same shame that parents feel when their kid decides to sock another one right in the face for no reason. In my defense, I adopted her because she had very little time left at the shelter. No one had come to visit her, and she just wasn't that pretty. Of course, she was terribly sweet, and it turns out that she's also very loyal. Anyway, I really thought that we had met a little friend, and a famous one at that, but we did not. My dog wasn't having it, so we left little Isabella behind.

Here's a pic of my sweet puppy and some info about her.

Hair: barely any

Teeth: really fucked up, but cute

Eyes: bulging

Hobbies: tearing the stuffing out of toys, dominating the other dog by humping him, and licking her bean like she's Jenna Jameson in a porn film

Eastwick Deserves Exactly What's Coming to It

Check this out. SC TWEETS

This is a site that our state legislators can use to give us taxpayers little snippets of their days. I'm assuming that this site was intended for SC business. As a citizen, I would be interested in what my legislators are doing in such tough economic times. Seriously, SC just cut public education by double digits. I want to know what the fuck is going on. Let me give you some examples. We'll start with Mr. Joey Millwood.

JoeyMillwood: is back at work. Not a lot to do in the office but I have to go to basketball tonight.

JoeyMillwood: @antonjgunn 24's about the only Republican show on tv!

Basketball? Watching the show 24? What are you, Joey, a legislator or a 12 year old boy?

Here's another favorite.

NathanBallentin: this week alone: 3 meals at Chickfila, 3 meals at Moe's. That just doesn't seem too healthy, does it?

Well, Nathan, while those meals might not be too healthy, I'm sure our growing homeless population would have enjoyed them. Thanks for your legislative input. You're brilliant.

What in the hell is wrong with these people? Do I jump ship and run away? I'm seriously passed pissed off or even embarrassed. I'm frightened. These people are in charge of my state, and the majority of my state put them there. I really can't believe that they've put this type of bullshit on SCTWEETS. That can't be what the site was intended for. Anyone want to make fun of us? Go ahead. I would.

A New Year and a Wish for Rayne

So, the first new year's baby in the state was born in Eastwick. Cool, huh? Not so fast. We have been experiencing a major drought, and the new mother wanted to pay tribute to this. The baby's name was Anniyah Rayne. At first, I thought maybe she just didn't realize how this sounds. I went on to read what she had named her 11 month old child. Her name is Arrayah Sunshine. I'm not kidding. I fucking hate this place.

The Poot Pillow

My nephew received a whoopie cushion in his stocking this year. I believe he called it a poot pillow. Anyway, it made Mr. Bitchford think of this time that I farted in K-Mart, and he couldn't stop laughing. It was pretty fucking funny, so I thought I would share with you all. First of all, no one goes to K-Mart in Eastwick. They all go to Wal-Mart, which is why I was at the K-Mart in the first place. I was in the face wash aisle, and Mr. Bitchford was two aisles over. There was no one around, and I had bent down to examine the Oil of Olay line of beauty products. I let a giant, loud, and stinky fart rip. As I looked up, there was a horrified woman staring at me from the end of the aisle. I hadn't seen her before. I did what any sane person would do in this situation. I looked at her and said, "Ewww. You're gross." I turned around, and Mr. Bitchford was at the other end of the aisle. He was doubled over with laughter. I walked towards him and whispered, "Just fucking walk away...fast." So, I left that poor soul on the beauty aisle, and she had to lay claim to my rank ass fart. Sorry.

Best Bumper Sticker Ever

Mr. Bitchford just called me to tell me about a hilarious bumper sticker. It said, "If you're going to ride my ass, the least you could is pull my hair." What's the best one you've ever seen?

Christmas "Child"

My sister and her husband recently sponsored a "Christmas child" from their church. The church runs some sort of program for adults who are mentally challenged. These adults were able to list three gifts they wanted for Christmas. The gifts were listed on a bag, and the church members could choose a bag. This was very similar to the Angel trees you have seen, where childrens' names are listed on gift tags. So, my brother-in-law was in charge of choosing a bag. Here is who he chose.

Name: Lincoln McMahan
Age: 61
Wishes:
A brown tam
A pair of brown zip ankle boots in a 13 wide
A pair of blue jeans size 60X30

Where in God's name they are going to find these things I will never know. I found it interesting how specific Lincoln was with his requests. I like that. I imagine that I won't be able to miss him if I see him walking down the streets of Eastwick with his tam, ankle boots, and jeans on. I'll see if my sister will take a picture of the "wishes" before she wraps them. This should be interesting.

Thanksgiving in Eastwick

Mr. Bitchford and I hosted Thanksgiving this year. It was a small crowd that consisted of us, my parents, and Sukie. Everyone brought something, so we didn't have to cook everything. I don't like turkey, so we had a nice pork tenderloin. We did partake of the Thanksgiving-tinis and the Firefly Vodka. Both were very good.

My mother, once again, giggled and spouted out obscenities. Last year, we were at a friend's house, and she kept telling a story that involved the word "cunt." This year, she kept telling a story that involved the word "pussy." This is all very funny because my mother is not the type of woman who screams these types of words at the dinner table, much less the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Sukie had brought me a hostess gift. She brought conversation starter cards. Each card had a question, and everyone would answer the question. One question involved telling a family story that only you could tell. My dad took it upon himself to share a story about his grandfather (my great-grandfather). He said that great-grandpa Bitchford used to tell him that if the preacher came over, then make sure he stayed on great-grandma's lap until he could get back. Get it? ;) Then my mother told the story (involving the same great-grandpa) about how great-grandpa used to say that he didn't know why women didn't rule the world. We controlled the two most important things in the world (money and pussy). We had 75% of the money and 100% of the pussy. He would follow this up by stating that you couldn't wear a pussy out, and then he would ask if anyone had ever seen a pussy on a trash pile.

While I don't think the conversation starter questions had this type of exchange in mind, it was entertaining. The evening ended with everyone taking a nap and being stuffed. Overall, it was an excellent Eastwickean Thanksgiving.

Religion and Such

I actually heard someone say that if you voted for Obama, then you were going to hell. I found this logic odd, and a small part of me wished that I could just believe that. I don't know if this is true or not, but it appears that life is just simple for people who believe things like this. They have their beliefs and that's that. Since I was a child, I've always needed a good, solid answer. I've always wanted to think about things and analyze them...to death sometimes. I always found myself weighing all of the options. I'm not afraid to make a pros and cons list either. I don't really know how to respond to people who say things like this. I've decided that maybe I should respond to situations like this with song. I've copied the lyrics of my all-time favorite gospel song below. The next time I'm confronted by someone who I feel is using his/her religion as a weapon, then I'm gonna whip this out on 'em. What do you think? I mean, really, who doesn't love a gospel song with the word "whore" in it? Oh, and as a side note, I especially love the Wall Street reference. Carry on, now.



If they saw Him riding in,
long hair flying in the wind,
Would they love Him down in Shreveport today?

If they heard He was a Jew
and a Palestinian too,
Would they love Him down in Nashville today?

If they saw Him talk with ease
to the junkies, whores, and thieves,
Would they love Him out in Wichita today?

Would the rich men think it funny
if He said give up your money?
Would they love Him up on Wall Street today?

If He made the wine from water,
gave it to their sons and daughters,
What would the folks in Salt Lake City say?

If He talked of brotherhood
as he walked their neighborhoods,
Would they love Him up in Boston today?

If He said love those who use you,
and forgive those who abuse you,
If He turned the other cheek,
what would you say?

Would you laugh and call Him crazy,
and just send Him on his way,
If Jesus came to your town today?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

I was up very early this morning because Mr. Bitchford had to be at work. I usually get up and try to help him get ready. All of the animals go bat shit crazy, so it's not like I could sleep anyway. So, I was telling him goodbye, and we saw a truck go driving by the house. Not unusual...except, his back left tire was missing. He was only driving on the rim! He wasn't creeping down the road either. So, knowing what you guys know about Eastwick, you'll understand why I had to get in my car and follow him. Mr. Bitchford had to be at work, so I had to make sure I didn't miss anything. I followed him to a big intersection, and he made a right. He switched over to the left hand lane because we all know that you can go really fast on a rim. ;) I kept trying to get beside him because I was convinced he wouldn't have any pants on, or he would smile at me and have no teeth. Is this sterotyping the folks on Cops? Yes. Moving on...I was starting to think that maybe I was just a little nuts for finding this funny, and then my phone rang. It was Mr. Bitchford. He wanted to know what was happening and if I had gotten close enough to see if the guy had teeth or not. Oh, I love that man of mine. We are a good match.

What Looks Good to One....

does not look so good to another. A friend of mine has decided to start getting back out in the dating scene. She has a lot to offer, and any man would be lucky to get the opportunity to buy her dinner. I have a few people in mind, but I thought I would ask around. There aren't many YEPs in Eastwick. That would be a Young Eastwick Professional. So, I asked this woman if she had any single friends. She says that she has a friend who is yummy looking and very nice. Score! Well, my friend looks him up on MySpace, and he is not yummy. I know there is more to a person than looks, but there really isn't when you are just wanting to go out on the town with a hot man. I think I may have to define yummy for this other woman.

George? Yummy.



Brad? Yummy.


Taye? Yummy.


Danny Devito? Funny...maybe. Sweet...maybe. Yummy? NO!


Now I have to figure out the best way to tell her that I looked at her friend on MySpace, and this will not work out for my friend. It's official. I have no future in matchmaking.

Angry Soccer Mom

Mr. Bitchford and I went to the mall yesterday. Eastwick finally got a nice anchor store (Dillards), so I wanted to check it out before it got all fucked up and dirty. We were in the parking lot, and we spotted a large SUV. This is not unusual. It had those "this is my family" stickers on the back. You know those soccer moms who put the stickers representing each family member on their cars? Some will even include names. I think this is dangerous because then total strangers know how many kids you have, whether they are male or female, and what their names are. Anyway, we noticed that something was missing on this one. Take a look.



This was with my camera phone, so it's not that great. Do you notice that dad is missing? She's gone and peeled him the fuck off! I thought it was hilarious. Now, look again. A kid is missing too! I didn't notice this, but Mr. Bitchford did. I thought this was fucking funny, and it made me giggle for most of the day. I can think of lots of reasons to peel dad off, but I'm still wondering what the kid did.

Must Get Out of this Town

The Special Olympics athletes arrived in Eastwick today. The games begin in the morning. I actually saw/heard an Eastwickean look at a poster, giggle, and say, "Retards." Why am I still here? Jessie, is there room in Beaumont for The Bitches and Mustang Sally?

Welcome to Eastwick

In a recent article in the online version of the local paper, a protest of civil rights violations was briefly mentioned.

Allow me to share with you some of the comments from readers regarding that article in an attempt to show you what a bigoted, racist place I live in.


Exhibit A:
The Civil Rights Act was the beginning of the end for this country. Minorities made it obvious that they would not conform to the American Way, that being work hard and provide for your family. So to meet Civil Rights the standard of living had to be lowered for everyone so that the hard working people would be closer to the lazy poor people. And the lazy poor people were given more and more money from the government. But it is never enough, they always want more. They want jobs they are not qualified for, they want into schools that they don't meet requirements for, they want the police to let them do whatever they want.
It's time for Americans to take back America.
Exhibit B:
I totally agree with you!

Exhibit C:
Well said! I couldn’t have said that better myself!

These? Are my neighbors.

Do Boys Ever Grow Up?

Sukie and I ride to work together, and we set out on our morning commute today. We're almost to work when an Asplundh truck packed with large, blonde men pulled up beside us. Keep in mind that we were in the left hand lane on a highway. So, the truck pulls up on the right hand side, and all of the windows are down. The driver leans out and yells something along the lines of, "Nice titties! Woo hoo!" I yell, "Fuck off!" This just riles them up. I should have known better. We finally pull into work, and I stomp off to my division. I'm waiting on the elevator, which is right beside the coffee shop. The coffee guy looks at me all funny and says, "Mmmm. I like those shoes." Eww. I finally get to my office, and I have to rush out again for a meeting, which means I have to pass the coffee guy again. I get off of the elevator, and he comes towards me. He says, "Can I ask you something?" I revert back to a self-defense class I took a long time ago. I'm standing fairly close to him when I scream, "NO!" I think he thought I was strange. Motherfucker harasses me every damn morning, and he looks at me like I'm strange. What the fuck is wrong with people? I just want to be left alone in the morning...and the afternoon...and the evening.

Oh No They Didn't!

Sukie and I were waiting at the bus stop this morning, and it was a hot, humid morning. I hate those in Eastwick. My nice skirt was already sticking to me and riding up in the wrong places. I had my sunglasses on, so the other riders couldn't see my eat shit and die look. It's not personal. I just hate hot, muggy mornings. So, Sukie and I take our place right near the front where the bus will stop. We are there 10 minutes early, so we can make sure we get a good spot. About two minutes before the bus is due, a shit ton of people start crawling out of cars, coming out of WalMart, and slinking across the hot pavement. They look like those damn zombies from 28 Days Later. They come over and stand directly in front of us. What the fuck, assholes? I got here ealry for my spot, and your motherfucking piece of lazy shit self is gonna stand in front of me. To top things off, there was a woman on her cell phone directly beside us. She kept screaming things like, "Ehh! Yous up yet? Where you be?" Also, the creepy lady was there. She goes up to the people first in line and acts like she knows them. That's her secret way of breaking in line. Fucking bitch. I couldn't take it. Sukie and I took off towards my car. I had to get the fuck out of here. Fuck saving money. Fuck saving gas. My sanity is more important. I think our days of public transportation are numbered for awhile. We did make an agreement to continue carpooling, so I think that makes it all ok. Fuck Eastwick!

When Pigs Fly

Well, the Eastwick festival came to an end last night. There was a Star Wars costume contest, and my nephew entered. I'll call him Yoda because he's small and wise. So, Yoda entered the contest and actually placed. He was terribly cute. See, isn't he cute? I've put a little mask on him for privacy. ;)

Then the radio hosts sponsoring the event got up on stage. They had a "homemade" blaster gun. They started stuffing little pink pigs into the blaster and shooting them into the audience. It ain't an Eastwick festival without the pigs flying. Here's the stuffing procedure in action.

In case you are wondering, yes, I did push small children out of my way for the chance at a free flying pig. Once the Star Wars contest had ended, we decided to stroll around and look at the food. My favorite part of the day was when we met the Peanut Lady. We were walking by her booth, and she was screaming something in an Eastwickean drawl. We stopped, and this is what we heard. "Git yur Americun made nuts! These nuts 'r fresh! Yous won't see no made in China stamped on these here nuts!" Excellent! American nuts! I didn't buy any, but I'm sure they would have made me want to break into song. Perhaps Lee Greenwood's "I'm Proud to be an American" would have been in order. We kept walking and decided on some pizza.

Later, we settled into the grass and waited for the next Star Wars event. It was a musical event with a laser show. There were even storm troopers.

Our county administrator was the MC for the night. I'm not sure if he was hammered or nervous. He would say things like, "Let's give them a round of slappause!" "On a beautiful night like tonight no one should be complining." Hmmm. The best part of the entire day happened as we were leaving. Little Yoda had to go to the bathroom, so I was hanging out at the main entrance. I had put my camera away for the night, and of course it happened. A woman walked past, and she had on a baseball hat that in lighted letters said, "I love Jesus!" All in all, it was a good day spent with my peeps.

Don't Need Nothin' But a Good Time

There's an Eastwick festival going on this weekend. All of my peeps are coming into town, and it should be a good time. Sukie and I are going to the Festival of Beer tomorrow. You pay a fee and get to sample a bunch of beer. Mr. Bitchford asked me if the cops were just going to issue me my DUI on the way out. Ha Ha. We started thinking about what we could do at the festival to sober up, but still be entertained. Sukie was looking at the schedule and began to laugh. You will never guess what comes after the Festival of Beer. Hospital bed races! Fuck yeah! The local hospital staff will be racing the beds. This sounds like the perfect Eastwickean activity to sober up to. We will be taking a camera, so you all won't miss any of the action. Stay tuned. ;)

The Redneck Festival

Well, tonight I attended the annual Redneck Festival. It's really called that. It's a few small towns over from Eastwick, and we always have a great time. Admission is free. All money spent on food, beer, and t-shirts is given to a local charity. And, the best part, we can take the dogs! You bring your chair, your dogs, and your friends, and you get to listen to some great bluegrass music. This was the 28th year for the festival, and it rocked as usual. When the two founders go by the names of Punk and Cowboy, you know you're gonna have a good time. I meant to take my camera, but in all of the hurrying to get out of the house...I forgot it. So, Redneck Festival, my hat is off to you for yet another great year of music, friends, and beer! This is one small advantage to living in Eastwick. This is rare, so enjoy. ;)