Pondering

Things that have run through my head today:

1. Why aren't hairy legs acceptable?
2. Why am I not hungry for breakfast when I have all day to burn that food off?
3. Do people really not understand what a four-way stop is?
4. Did I hit her or did she just run into my hand?
5. Shouldn't being a bleach blonde be much easier?
6. Those might possibly be the largest natural breasts I have ever seen.
7. Where is my flying car? Isn't it 2009?
8. Does my cube mate really think I want to hear him cough up a phlegm ball and spit it into the garbage?
9. Are dirty tennis shoes acceptable work attire?
10. Should I tell the office manager about the goopy mascara that gathers in the corners of her eyes each day?

To All the Women in my Life

I don't know about you, but I really needed this today. Too bad it doesn't come with all of Mary's cute dresses. Damn.

Childhood Sing-A-Longs

Mr. Bitchford and I were sitting here chatting about old songs we remembered. I started talking about how my parents used to make my sister and I take drives in the country with them. I would always whine, but then it would end up being lots of fun. My parents were Oak Ridge Boys' fans, so we always had some happening cassettes in the car. I started to sing some of the songs to Mr. Bitchford, and he started laughing at the lyrics. At the time, I didn't know what I was singing. I was just a kid, and I thought it was fun to belt out the lyrics. I'll share a few with you.



Easy by The Oak Ridge Boys

All the boys called her easy

Took her to drive-in movies

And bragged about the good times they had



The girls talked about her

And had parties without her

And wondered why a girl would let herself go so bad



They called her easy, easy

And laughed about how easy she was

They called her easy, easy

They said she was easy to love



They didn't care if she was lonely

They didn't care if she was only reachin' out

The only way she could



They didn't try to understand her

And this smalltown talk branded her

With names that said she wasn't any good



They called her easy, easy

And laughed about how easy she was

They called her easy, easy

They said she was easy to love



Easy's child came early

It seemed in such a hurry

For one who'd go through life without a name



Easy's eyes were brighter

Than the moonlight on the water

When they handed her the child no one would claim



My friends thought I was crazy

To love Easy and her baby

They said I was a fool, but I just smiled



'Cause love is what you make it

Any way you finally take it

It's the only thing that makes life worthwhile



Now she's easy, easy

And life is not as lonely as it was

Because she's easy, she's easy

She's so easy to love



Now she's easy, easy

And life is not as lonely .......



Yes, this song is about a young girl that had sex with all of the boys. She became pregnant, and some fool claimed her baby, but it wasn't really his. Oh, how I loved singing this song. Mrs. Flax and I will sometimes get this cranked up real loud in the car and belt it out to this day.



Here's another one.



Trying to Love Two Women by The Oak Ridge Boys

Trying to love two women is like a ball and chain.

Trying to love two women is like a ball and chain.

Sometimes the pleasure ain't worth the strain.

It's a long old grind, and it tires your mind.



Trying to hold two women is tearing me apart.

Trying to hold two women is tearing me apart.

One's got my money, the other's got my heart.

It's a long old grind, and it tires your mind.



When you try to please two women, you can't please yourself.

When you try to please two women, you can't please yourself.

At best it's only half good; a man can't stock two shelves.

It's a long old grind, and it tires your mind.



Yep, it's a song about a man with two wives/girlfriends. My favorite line is, "At best it's only half good; a man can't stock two shelves." Ha! That's just funny. The truth is that I still love riding around by myself and blasting these songs. I don't usually admit it because not too many 30-somethings want to admit to being an Oak Ridge Boys' fan, but it's what I am. Oh, and my favorite one is William Lee Golden. I love all of that hair. *sigh*

Limericks are Fun!

There once was a maiden named Purl
Who knitted for food, but then would hurl
Tried as she might
Her throat was too tight
And up it came in a swirl

By Alexandra Bitchford (no stealing, bitches)

Ok. I've been talking to an old friend that is a genius at limericks. I love these because they don't take very long, and you never know what you will get. I wrote this one in a rush, but I thought I would share. Give it a try.

Productivity is my Foreplay

I had the worst day at work today. It just seemed like no one wanted to do what they were supposed to do...all at once. I just bitched the entire way home, and I know it had to wear on Sukie's nerves. Oh well, sometimes you just gotta bitch. To top it all off, my engine light popped on. Fuck!

I came in, and I started to pick things up. When I'm upset, I gather. I want everything to be in a nice, neat, and dust-free place. Then, I started loading the dishwasher. Once the dishes were out of the sink, I realized how dirty it was. Must clean the sink! I gave the dogs more water, and I realized their bowls were dirty. Must wash dog bowls! I went to the bedroom (by this time, Mr. Bitchford was just following me and observing), and I started to strip the sheets off of the bed. I had to have clean sheets. I couldn't sleep on dirty sheets and be pissed off. I finished all of this productivity off with some vacuuming.

It felt wonderful, and I felt like I had released most of my stress from my day. Am I weird? Perhaps I have stumbled upon my next career. A Merry Maid!

What do you think?

Below are my purchases I made on my way home from work. The clerk just smirked at me. *sigh*

Where did my Christmas cheer go?

I haven't been in the Christmas mood this year, and this is unusual for me. I've never had a fake tree. My family always had a real one, and I've just kept the tradition alive...until this year. I didn't have it in me to go buy a real one, drag it into the house, and deal with all of the needles drying up and falling on my floor. I knew I had to get a tree, though, because I'm too young to say that I just can't get up and down in the attic anymore. Damn. So, I went to Big Lots, and I found the perfect tree. It's pink!
I love old Christmas ornaments, especially those from the 1950's. Most of the stuff I have has the "Made in Japan" sticker stamped on it. My love of the 1950's doesn't stop with ornaments, though. I've decorated the whole house with this stuff. It makes me feel like Donna Reed gliding across my hardwood floors. So, here I was feeling like a loser because I didn't have a real tree, and the pink tree was just what I needed. It had put me back in the Christmas spirit. I do miss the smell of a real tree, so I bought a Glade plug-in that smells of pine trees. Mr. Bitchford is always freaked out by my vintage Santa Claus. He's convinced that the stuffed Santa will suddenly come to life while he's sleeping, and then he'll swift across the floors and come to his bed to smother him. Crazy, huh? I like to chase after the dogs with the vintage Santa and yell, "Ho, Ho, Ho." It always gets them riled up. Maybe I should do a video of it. Hmmm. How do the rest of you decorate?

99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't Gone Be One!

I have some major shit to get off of my chest, and it is threefold.

1. I fucking hate the woman at work who is trying to steal mine and Sukie's intellectual property.

2. I'm fucking pissed that my boss hired an empty, beige, shell of a woman in our department.

3. I really fucking hate the fact that John Edwards suckered me into believing in a politician and then acted like a fucking politician.



Problem 1: There is a woman at work that is trying to steal our work! We'll call her Mrs. Lovejoy (that's for all you Simpson's fans out there). She is working on a new project, and she has been charged with developing some employee training manuals/workshops. Sukie and I have done a lot of work in this area, and word has gotten around that the employees dig us. Mrs. Lovejoy basically asked me to hand all of our shit over to her. WTF, bitch? Why can't people use their fucking brains and develop their own shit? She's also one of those people who claims to be religious, but her actions/words don't show it. Clearly, Jesus would not fucking steal our work, Mrs. Lovejoy.



Problem 2: We've had a job opening in our department, and I was asked to help with the hiring process. A very beige woman (I say this because she is insipid) interviewed for the position. When she first walked in, I giggled in my head because she looks just like a Cabbage Patch doll. Exhibit A
She also seemed extremely dull and rehearsed. If that wasn't bad enough, what I call my "eight grade girl" antennae went up. I immediately smelled the "I'm a loser" on this chick. In our line of work, you will be eaten alive if clients smell this on you. To make matters worse, I thought that we had agreed on another job candidate, but apparently someone changed his mind. She'll start in two weeks. I'll keep you updated.

Problem 3: John Motherfucking Edwards! First of all, when Clinton slept with Monica, it really wasn't a shock. I could smell the sex on that man from my T.V. screen. It's why I loved him so. John Edwards, on the other hand, held himself out there as the loving husband to his dying of cancer wife. What if he had secured the Democratic party nomination? Did he even think about that? He certainly said he had thought about the struggling lower and middle classes. Did he not think about what this could do to the party he claimed to stand for? I thought he could be the real deal, and the joke is on me. I really should have known better, but he seemed so right. On a side note, I totally don't think his personal life should play into his politics, but it does...so fuck him for fucking it up.

I'm feeling disappointed and let down. On the other hand, you've allowed me to wallow in my anger and share it with you. For that, I thank you. So, in honor of Jay-Z, I may feel like I have 99 problems, but none of these motherfucking bitches are gonna be one, yo!

Little House on the Prairie According to Alexandra

It's been so fucking hot lately that I find myself coming home, stripping down, and watching t.v. I don't even move. The good thing is that as I was channel surfing this evening, I stumbled across a piece of my childhood. As a child, I remember going to my friends' houses and how they would watch television with their entire families. We never did this. My dad had a LaZBoy that sat directly in front of the television. This meant that he made all of the choices, and you could sit in the floor beside his chair. This sounds really mean, but it wasn't. It's just how things were. When I was really young, there was only one show that my entire family would gather together to watch. This was Little House on the Prairie. I would wait for that famous music and for that buck-toothed little girl to coming stumbling down the hill. If the episode started out with snow, my dad would say, "God damn it! I'm not watching Charles Ingalls stomp through the god damn snow all night." That meant that family night had ended. I can't say I blame him. If I happen to watch Little House today, I will change the channel when I see snow. Ruins the whole fucking episode. I was channel surfing today, and I came across the episode titled "For the Love of Johnny Johnson." Now, Johnny was a ginger haired boy, who couldn't read very well. He also wore high water overalls and had no fucking shoes. How hot can you be, right? Well, Laura's dookie brown eyes would soften every time he came around. She loved him. Of course, this meant that he loved her older, more attractive sister, Mary. Basically, Laura pines over dumb ass, shoeless Johnny Johnson throughout the episode. He wants Mary, but she doesn't want him. The tragic love triangle. In the end, Laura ends up not hating her sister and learning some all important lesson. It's ok, though. Mary gets hers in the end. Bitch goes blind in later episodes. I'm thinking of borrowing all of the episodes from my sister because, yes, she owns them. I gave them to her! If it hadn't been for my dad's odd fondness of Little House family night, I may never have known of Pa Ingalls, Reverend Alden, Miss Beattle, and the whole gang. Any other Little House fans out there???

Fucking Airplanes!

I've been on a looooong business trip, and I'm glad to be home. I hate flying. To make things worse, there were about 10 of us. I also don't like being obligated to make small talk with people I work with. I had to sit beside my boss on the flight back, and there was an 11 year old boy on the other side of me. He was all by himself, which made me kind of sad for him. Then, he opened his mouth. I see why this kid was traveling alone.

Kid: "So, are you and him like best friends forever?" (motioning to my boss)
Me: "Sure."
Kid: "Do you like my dog? I named him Tender Heart."
Me: "Hmmm. Interesting name. Do people laugh when you tell them that? Just curious."
Kid: "Yes. How did you know that?"
Me: "I'm really tired, and I'm going to sleep now."

Kid: "Hey! Do you ever wonder where clouds come from?"
Me: "No. I'm asleep."
Kid: "Hey! I bet I could get us a free pack of M&M's candy."
Me: Silence. Eyes closed.
Kid" "I have to pee. My ears hurt."
Me: Silence. Eyes closed.
Kid: "Did you hear me? My ears hurt. Do something about it."
Me: "Ok. If I slap you really hard, it will make your ears stop popping."
My Boss: "Thank God. Go ahead and slap that child."

Again, I hate flying!

My Mood Today

I LOVE this song! Actually, I love this album. It's Aimee Mann's Lost in Space. Hope you all enjoy.