What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

I've talked about the at-risk youth that I tutor, and I try not to blog about them too much. I don't know why, but I feel like I shouldn't blab their stories, even if you guys would never know who they are. Anyway, here's what happened today. One of them is graduating from high school in a few weeks. She's so excited, and she's gone through some really rough times to get where she's at. Her family has not been that supportive of her. Her grandparents seem like they are really behind her, but the rest seem, well, jealous of her. Her mom is usually doped up and has no idea what's going on. Her dad is usually drunk and has no idea what's going on. She told me that her dad traded her for a car when she was 7 years old. Her grandmother had to come pick her up. WTF? Anyway, she has an aunt (her mom's sister) that is sometimes nice to her. The aunt decided to throw her a big graduation party. She reserved a room at a restaurant and ordered a special cake. It sounded like she had gone all out for her. Well, the student called me today and was crying. We met for lunch, and she gave me the invitation. The aunt decided not to pay for any food. Guests can come and sit in the nice reserved room, but we will all be paying for our own meals. Now, this doesn't bother me, but the student was mortified. She doesn't want to ask people who have helped her to come and celebrate and pay for their own meal. I tried to make her feel better, but she just kept crying. She finally fessed up and said she thinks her aunt did it on purpose. The aunt has a history of wanting to celebrate the student's accomplishments, but then she gets really jealous and backs off. I'm going to show up and support her. I have no idea what to expect of the family. Her mom and dad will be there. I will go and try to smile and make small talk. I'm going to need several Xanax to get through this dinner.

LMAO @ Other People and What-Not

This is my new favorite website:
http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/
It is funny--but also sad.

Hypocrites

As a person living in a red, red state (and an even redder town), I am just not that surprised by this really. I think it's kind of like the "he who smelt it, dealt it" rule. He who condemns it loves it. Just like how all those crazy evangelical preachers keep getting busted for partaking of the sins they preach against in the pulpit. Homophobes, for example, who are having elicit sex with male prostitutes. I'm just saying...there's a reason those living in conservative and religious states are buying more online porn. Why don't they just give it up already???

Technology Killed the Library Book

I've heard about the Kindle. Have you guys? Apparently, there is a new version out. Here's a story. Why would someone want to read a book on a tiny computer screen? Some of my most relaxing moments have happened sitting in a lounge chair with stacks and stacks of library books around me, while a nice ocean breeze ruffled the pages. Never in this moment have I had to worry about sand in my Kindle. What the fuck, people? I love technology. I'm not a person that thinks technology is only for young people. I also don't think it will destroy us all. It can be really cool and convenient; however, it can also take things away from us. You never know what you will find in a library book. I love it when someone has actually written little notes throughout the book. I borrowed a book from Sukie awhile back, and she had underlined some of her favorite passages. It made me pay attention to those passages and ask her about them later. It sparked a nice conversation on the way to work. This would NOT have happened with the Kindle. I'm hoping that this new technology will die along with the PedEgg and the Kinoki detox foot pads. Eww.

Did you know...

...that Americans looking to adopt are more likely to adopt a foreign-born child than a Black child born in America?

Meanwhile, American-born black children up for adoption are more likely to be adopted by non-American parents, particularly Canadians, Germans, French, English, and Belgium parents (also parents from the Netherlands...what are they called? anyway...).

Says a lot about where we rank skin color in terms of importance in this country, eh?

BTW: Black babies are cheaper to adopt, too--it's like they're on sale...just trying to get Americans to take them. Instead, Americans pay a lot more money for a Russian orphan--because its white--or an Ethiopian--because, thanks to Angelina Jolie et. al., that's vogue.

Source: Christian Science Monitor (2004--yeah, it's been 4 years or more, but I bet it hasn't changed much statistically). And no, I wasn't just catching up on the CSM. ;-) A book I was reading cited this source, so I looked it up.

Yo...Joaquin Raps!

Joaquin Phoenix is going to be a rapper.

Courtesy of YouTube:

You gotta give him one thing: he's got some seriously high self-esteem, yo!

Mr. Vomit Strikes Again

Mr. Vomit has been at it again. I'm not really sure how one person can fuck so many different things up, but he does. Sukie and I have taken over most of the tasks on the project we are working on. 75% of his time has been reallocated to this project, but he always fucks everything up that he does. This is why we just decided to do most of it ourselves. So, he has one task to complete. Just one! You guessed it. He fucks it up. Not only does he fuck the task itself up, but he fucks Sukie over in the process. Plus, he fucks our clients over in the process. Why does management not see who he is? Is he sucking someone's dick? Has he someone sucking someone else's dick? This makes no sense. In these economic times, these are the people who should be weeded out. The only thing that is keeping me from walking up to him tomorrow and punching him directly in his "I"m dumb as shit, but I don't think anyone has caught on" face is the fact that I'm scared of the consequences. I'm just being honest. What in the fuck gives?

The only good thing is that I did swing my mental dick at him. Sukie and I have to take a business trip soon, and it concerns this project. He was wanting to send this other stupid fucking bitch of his, and I just kicked her ass off the trip. I changed the name on all of the registrations for hotel and travel, and I just picked someone who is actually a hard worker and pleasant. Do you know he didn't say a word? So, fuck you, Mr. Vomit.

"I always feel like...

somebody's watching me...ain't got no privacy... "

That's evidently how my dog feels because ever since my last post about her...ahem...sexual proclivities, I have been trying to capture this phenomenon on video. However, though, she may be a masturbater, she is not an exhibitionist, and every time I hit "record," bitch stops what she's doing and gives me this, "What? I'm just a cute dog!" look.

This is the best I got, and really, it does not provide the full effect of witnessing the actual experience because, once again, she knew she'd been caught:

My new dog is a sex addict

I have never seen a female dog masturbate--until now. And I am not talking about humping to show dominance. I am talking about giving herself an orgasm. And yes, I am sure that's what she's doing. It took me a while to figure it out, but that's definitely what she's doing.

She usually starts by licking her private parts. Then, she gets really excited, shoves one or both of her paws down there, and starts humping her paws. And then...if I don't interrupt her, she...ahem...finishes, and pants for several minutes as she winds down.

Yes, my dog is maturbating--frequently. And no, I am not happy about it.

Update: The Peroxide Queen Let Another One Bite the Dust

You guys remember the Peroxide Queen and her VD man that she met online? Well, they were set to be married next year. He had already moved in with her, and she was flashing her diamond to everyone at work. I heard her talking to someone in the break room about pornography. They were trying to decide if the VD man had "crossed the line" or not. I was thinking to myself, "If you have to ask that question, then you probably think he's crossed a line." They spotted me and opened up their pornography gossip circle, so I joined them. Turns out that he had over $10,000 worth of pornography, plus he had a locked room in her house. Excuse me? Locked room in your house? Who the hell lets some strange man from the Internet move in and lock a room in her house? Anyway, he also had his own phone line. He wouldn't let her see anything on his computer. One would think that someone giving you a sexually transmitted disease would be the wake up call, but it took the locked room and the pornography to wake her dumb ass up. She kicked him out. It wouldn't surprise me if she takes him back. We'll see.

I have Officially...

fucking seen it all now. Man names baby girl...

Facebook May be the End of Me

First of all, I love Facebook. It's fun to write things that only Sukie can understand. I keep up with my friends and family, but NO HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS. I have one high school friend that I keep in touch with and that's it. I got a friend request tonight. It's from an ex-boyfriend. It's from an ex-boyfriend that the last time I saw him was in fucking court. Why me? There was this friendly little picture of him and his new fucking baby. BTW, all of the high school people have new fucking babies, and the pictures are all over Facebook. If I didn't really like you, what makes you think I'm gonna like your stinkin' baby? I digress. This ex-boyfriend and I had a horrible relationship. It was one of those that every Friday night party would end with one of us throwing something at the other or him throwing me up against something. It was bad. I once threw a picture of his dead mother at him. It cut his eye. I was glad. I told you it was bad. The last straw was when he took my beloved dog and spray painted black dots on her to be funny. That's how we ended up in court. At any rate, why would this man ask me to be his friend on Facebook? I wanted to get all Whitney Houston on his ass and be like, "Hell to the no, motherfucker!" I clicked ignore. BTW, I swear to God that I'm not that crazy anymore. I was 19 years old and fairly drunk the entire time. Please don't judge.

99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't Gone Be One!

I have some major shit to get off of my chest, and it is threefold.

1. I fucking hate the woman at work who is trying to steal mine and Sukie's intellectual property.

2. I'm fucking pissed that my boss hired an empty, beige, shell of a woman in our department.

3. I really fucking hate the fact that John Edwards suckered me into believing in a politician and then acted like a fucking politician.



Problem 1: There is a woman at work that is trying to steal our work! We'll call her Mrs. Lovejoy (that's for all you Simpson's fans out there). She is working on a new project, and she has been charged with developing some employee training manuals/workshops. Sukie and I have done a lot of work in this area, and word has gotten around that the employees dig us. Mrs. Lovejoy basically asked me to hand all of our shit over to her. WTF, bitch? Why can't people use their fucking brains and develop their own shit? She's also one of those people who claims to be religious, but her actions/words don't show it. Clearly, Jesus would not fucking steal our work, Mrs. Lovejoy.



Problem 2: We've had a job opening in our department, and I was asked to help with the hiring process. A very beige woman (I say this because she is insipid) interviewed for the position. When she first walked in, I giggled in my head because she looks just like a Cabbage Patch doll. Exhibit A
She also seemed extremely dull and rehearsed. If that wasn't bad enough, what I call my "eight grade girl" antennae went up. I immediately smelled the "I'm a loser" on this chick. In our line of work, you will be eaten alive if clients smell this on you. To make matters worse, I thought that we had agreed on another job candidate, but apparently someone changed his mind. She'll start in two weeks. I'll keep you updated.

Problem 3: John Motherfucking Edwards! First of all, when Clinton slept with Monica, it really wasn't a shock. I could smell the sex on that man from my T.V. screen. It's why I loved him so. John Edwards, on the other hand, held himself out there as the loving husband to his dying of cancer wife. What if he had secured the Democratic party nomination? Did he even think about that? He certainly said he had thought about the struggling lower and middle classes. Did he not think about what this could do to the party he claimed to stand for? I thought he could be the real deal, and the joke is on me. I really should have known better, but he seemed so right. On a side note, I totally don't think his personal life should play into his politics, but it does...so fuck him for fucking it up.

I'm feeling disappointed and let down. On the other hand, you've allowed me to wallow in my anger and share it with you. For that, I thank you. So, in honor of Jay-Z, I may feel like I have 99 problems, but none of these motherfucking bitches are gonna be one, yo!

My Life Is Complete Now

Why?

Because not only is there a talking Barack Obama doll, but there is also a talking Virgin Mary Barbie-like doll.

I am getting one of each. And Barack and Mary are gonna totally get it on:

Mary Doll: "I'm a virgin chosen by God to be the mother of his son."

Barack Doll: "Yes We Can!"

And then he rips off her shroud.

Yes, as a totally fucked up product of Catholic childhood, I am officially that warped.

Dear God, thank you for this.

Amen.

Sukie

The Cube Keeps Turning

I met the Peroxide Queen's man today. I'm going to call him the VD King because of his STD. It is still to be determined what he has. I think the results come in tomorrow. She brought him over to my cube today. He was very car salesman like with his handshake, greeting, and sparkling teeth. He looked like he stepped out of 1985, which is funny because the Peroxide Queen is stuck in the 80's (tapered mom jeans and all). Somehow the conversation veered towards where he went to high school and where he was from. Turns out that the VD King went to high school with one of my brother-in-laws. I quickly called my sister to get the dirt. My brother-in-law was very amused to find out where the VD King was today. It totally made me want to register on classmates.com and look up people I went to high school with. Anyway, this made me start thinking about who else this guy went to high school with. If he went with my brother-in-law, then this means he went with my brother-in-law's sister, Cookie. Now, this is interesting because Cookie don't take no shit and never has. I can't wait until we all get together, and I can get her reaction. Actually, Cookie was too cool for high school and probably doesn't remember the VD King. If I get anything good out of her, I'll report back. As for the diseased couple, Mr. Bitchford and I have been invited out to dinner with them. I'm seriously thinking about going, but I'll have to bring my hand sanitizer with me. Don't wanna catch nothin'.

I'm Sending Out an S.O.S.

I need help! A part-time employee of mine let me know that he would be leaving August 1st. This wasn't a huge shock because I knew he really needed full-time work and benefits. We've had an ok working relationship. If I had to sum up his work in one word, it would be mediocre. Sukie thinks he just sucks ass, but that's another story. I got an email from him this afternoon. It had a job description and his resume attached. He wants me to write a letter of recommendation for him. I looked over the job description, and he isn't qualified. Also, he says he has to have the letter by tomorrow morning. WTF, dude? Nice notice. I opened his resume and stopped breathing for a minute. He lied. There were job duties listed for his current job that are not his. They are mine! He didn't actually list a project or anything, but parts of my job description are in his fucking resume. I'm not really sure how to handle this. Any ideas?

As the Cube Turns

Work has gotten really interesting and a tad gross this week. You guys have heard me talk about the Peroxide Queen. She has a cube very close to mine. This is the same woman who went through the really nasty divorce and totally let her ex walk all over her. Well, she's at it again. She's met a new man and has been seeing him for three weeks. Apparently, they had unprotected sex. I do wonder who in the hell, especially at the age of 40, decides it's ok to have unprotected sex with some man you have known three weeks. I would have required some blood work, but that's just how I roll. Soooo, she gets a call from him today. He gives her a VERY detailed description of what his penis is lookin' like, and it doesn't sound pretty. It grossed me out so much that after I heard the words "hot and red on the head" and "scab" that I screamed for her to shut up. It gets even better people. After knowing this man for three weeks and getting the clap or whatever the hell he has given her, he's moving in with her. I shit you not! Stay tuned for more of As the Cube Turns...

Oh, The Mammaries

This is a photo of Maxi Mounds. Nope. I'm not kidding.

She's in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the biggest tits. Yep. Those babies are a size M. What the fuck is wrong with people today?

It's NOT 1952!

I got good news this week. I no longer have to carry Private Mortgage Insurance on my home because I've paid over 20% of it off. Yea for me! I received a check today because I was owed a small amount of money as a difference in the last payment. $7.58! I know that's not a lot, but stay with me here. I get the check, and it is made out to my ex-husband. He's still on the mortgage, but he no longer owns the house. Long story short, he signed a piece of paper that he shouldn't have in the divorce. The outcome...I own the home, but we both are still on the mortgage loan. So, I call the insurance company that issued the check and explained my situation. They told me that I would have to mail proof to them that I own the home. What? But, my name is on the mortgage loan. That's how they got his name in the first place. I explain this to the woman. Silence. I say, "Don't you see my name on the loan?" She says, "Yes." I say, "Then can't you just issue me a check? Why would you send it just to him anyway. I'm on the loan." Silence. I say, "Does your company think it's still 1952 and that I'm Donna Reed? Why can't I get my $7.58 that you owe me?" She says, "Well, you'll just have to send proof." I screamed and hung up. Now I'm plotting my next attack. I will be calling this company in the morning and bitching some more. I will call them every morning until I get my check! I know it's just a few dollars, but it's mine. It's not my alcoholic, cheating, bad with money, balding, nerdy, piece of shit, cheap, asshole, useless ex-husband's!

Sukie's Completely Logical Analysis of the Video Posted Below

First of all, no one gets to call on Agent Mulder like that, ok? Totally not cool—especially since that kid sounds nothing like David Duchovny (I mean, I watched the X-Files religiously). And also, is this dumbass video suggesting then that aliens are also explained by creationism? Because I gotta tell ya, when they took me up in that UFO last week…

Second, I am not even going to get into the whole the Bible cannot be taken literally argument here because quite frankly, I think it's a given, and if you don't, you should totally buy these videos for your kid.And tell him to look out for dinosaurs on the way to school next week.

Currently, I’m searching my Bible for the part where it says “death, disease and bloodshed are a consequence of sin.” I’m annoyed they didn’t cite that chapter and verse. I mean, he points to the words in his Bible. He says, "The Bible clearly says..." I can see the words, but I can't see what book of the Bible he's reading. I put those key terms into bible.com, and I got no hits…so I’m just curious—where exactly did God say this? I tried googling it, too, but all I get is more bullshit like this:

I should note that you also get a fun article called "How to build a bomb in a public school system."

But no chapter and verse. Finally, I found a guy who claimed it to be in Romans 5:12, which I looked up (KJ version):

"Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

Not exactly a good paraphrase, now is it? I guess it does have the word "death," which is something.

I found another possibility in 1 Corinthians 15:21-22:

"For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive."

Again, I don't know what Bible fake Agent Mulder is reading, but insofar as I can tell, it ain't the Christian one. Therefore, creationists can't read. (How you like that logic, bitch?)

I also noticed that following this supposed verse, is an explanation beginning with "In Genesis...". Now, it's been a while since I read the thing cover to cover, but I am pretty sure that no other book of the Bible refers to another book by name like that. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. So, clearly, Kid Mulder is reading from a creationist text and not the Bible. In simpler terms, he's a fucking liar.

So if you are following Sukie logic, creationists can't read and are fucking liars.

Don't even get me started on the chick who wrote the note in Agent Mulder's bible...who's she...Scully? Another alien? M'kay.

So now that the technical stuff is out of the way, let's look at the premise based upon this fake Bible verse: Since sin was created by Adam, and death exists because Adam sinned, fossils could not have existed prior to Adam's sin. Uh-huh. I really hope the kiddies for whom this video is intended are following this logic...

Now, because fossils could not have existed before Adam sinned, any fossils recovered by scientists must be from some time between Adam's sin and now. Thus, when scientists find fossils and carbon date them and discover they are millions of years old, they are just wrong. Because the world is only 10,000 years old. After all, the Bible says so. This is what Billy Bob the fucking redneck safari man is trying to explain with his animated collapse of the pile of bones beneath the formerly perfect world.

Therefore, creationists are rednecks.

Then, we're back to fucking dinosaurs not being man-eaters again. Therefore, the theory of evolution is wrong. Follow that? Because dinosaurs were originally vegetarians, we should all believe that they were created on the 6th day--same day as man, which means they can't be millions of years old--only as old as poor, dead Adam. Forget those dinosaur fossils that have been carbon dated. Forget all the scientific proof! Evolution is a hoax designed to make you sin more, and have more death, bloodshed, disease, etc.

Sukie's "logical" conclusion based on this video: creationists believe in aliens, can't read, are fucking liars, and are fucking rednecks, who are destined to lives of death, bloodshed, and disease. (They also probably build public school bombs, but I'm not sure on that).