Ode to the Possum

David's Doll was blogging about the weirdest pet you've ever owned, and it reminded me of my pet possum. When I was a kid, we had indoor/outdoor cats. They pretty much did their own thing. We would feed them wet food outside, and one evening there was a long, skinny, pink tail that did not belong with the rest. It was a possum. She was pregnant and hungry, and she loved the wet cat food. My mom didn't think much of it. Eventually, we realized that the possum wasn't going to leave, so my mom started treating it like our pet. She fed her, and we would all go outside and talk to her. You couldn't touch her or anything, but she would sit and watch you. When my mom would sweep the back porch, the possum would get on the broom and ride along. It was very funny. One day, my mom found the possum at the back door. She had been hit by a car, and she was bloody. My mother was mortified because the possum had already had her babies. The babies were in the road where the mother had been hit. My mom tried to get the possum to the vet, but it was too late. This was the day that I realized what an animal lover my mother was. Who takes a possum hit by a car to the vet? My mother.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

My tree of elves' heads. Isn't it weird and great all at the same time?

My Santa that looks alarming like the Oak Ridge Boy with all of the hair.

My favorite "new" ornament. He also looks alarmingly like that hairy Oak Ridge Boy. Maybe there's a theme?

A Holiday Meme

Why? Because I can! :)

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
Mmmm...vodka.

2. Letter to Santa?
Nope, but I do like to sit on his lap. ;)

3. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?
When I was a kid, they were just under the tree. Now, they are wrapped.

4. Colored lights on your tree/house or white?
White. It's probably the only somewhat tasteful thing I do.

5. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope, but it is hanging from the high limbs of my dying oak trees.

6. When do you put your decorations up?
Day after Thanksgiving, but I was a little late this year.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
My grandparents would show up on Christmas morning with the truck loaded down with gifts from Santa. I also loved the stockings my mom put together.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
He's not real?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
YES! My sister and I have a tradition. We get each other a totally inappropriate Christmas gift every year. Last year, I received a book by Jenna Jameson called How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. I highly recommend it.

10. Can you ice skate?
Yes. I'm a regular Tonya Harding.

11. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Yep. My nephew gave me a 1950's silver Christmas tree with elves' heads all over it. It's kitschy and wonderful.

12. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I love Christmas Eve at my sister's house. Everyone is loud, happy, and tipsy.

13. What tops your tree?
Bitterness. I used to have this cool tree topper, but my ex-husband fumbled around with his stupid monkey fingers and broke it one year. Asshole.

14. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Jesus Was Born Today by the Oak Ridge Boys
Please don't judge.

Ok. I would finish this meme, but Mr. Bitchford just walked in naked, so I'm gonna go see what that's all about. Please complete the meme and share with the Bitches. Thanks!

Christmas "Child"

My sister and her husband recently sponsored a "Christmas child" from their church. The church runs some sort of program for adults who are mentally challenged. These adults were able to list three gifts they wanted for Christmas. The gifts were listed on a bag, and the church members could choose a bag. This was very similar to the Angel trees you have seen, where childrens' names are listed on gift tags. So, my brother-in-law was in charge of choosing a bag. Here is who he chose.

Name: Lincoln McMahan
Age: 61
Wishes:
A brown tam
A pair of brown zip ankle boots in a 13 wide
A pair of blue jeans size 60X30

Where in God's name they are going to find these things I will never know. I found it interesting how specific Lincoln was with his requests. I like that. I imagine that I won't be able to miss him if I see him walking down the streets of Eastwick with his tam, ankle boots, and jeans on. I'll see if my sister will take a picture of the "wishes" before she wraps them. This should be interesting.

Colonial Hairstyles

Do you remember when your mom had your hair cut for the first time? If you are a woman, then you know that this can be traumatic. My mom took me to a salon called Colonial Hairstyles. Why would anyone name her salon this, you ask? I have no idea. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a cute enough kid, and I had long blonde hair. It kind of looked like this little girl's hair, but longer.

My mom took me to Colonial Hairstyles and requested that Marge cut all of my hair off. She was tired of it. She was tired of it, you ask? Yes, my mom was tired of MY hair. Anyway, this place should be renamed Colonial Hairstyles: Where little girls go to become little boys. This isn't me, but at least now you can understand the dramatic and traumatic transformation.

It took me until the 6th grade to finally live that haircut down. I suddenly grew and had ginormous breasts. Most people forgot about the haircut after that. The bad thing is that she took me there for my 9th grade prom hair. My sister says that I looked like I had a powdered wig on, hence the name Colonial Hairstyles. I ask that you mothers out there never do this to your children. We don't forget.

Missing Moles

First Enrique and now Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP has had her mole removed. It's big news, people, which I find odd. I'm a huge TMZ fan because it's kind of like my porn, but this is going a bit far. I did find this funny cartoon about said moles. Please enjoy!

Swinging in the Neighborhood

We have new neighbors, and they have brought a portable hot tub with them. Hot damn, you might say. You might even wonder how to get an invite. Well, Mr. Bitchford and I saw them yesterday. I swear to God the song Dreamweaver started playing, and I had a psychedelic vision. The couple looks a lot like Tom and Trina from that new show Swingtown. Yep. The moustache and all have moved right in. While I'm not up for sharing my man's tallywhacker with Trina, and I'm also not into having Tom's moustache tickle me in my tootlebug (I stole that from a friend), I would so watch from the comfort of my bedroom window. So, now we have Taye Diggs, Patrick Duffy, Ice Man, and Tom/Trina. My neighborhood is fucking famous!

My Mothership

I have found my mothership, or as George Clinton would say, "my interplanetary funksmanship." It is in the form of a television show. The travel channel featured a segment called Deep Fried Paradise today. It was wonderful. My mouth watered as my new television showcased the glistening fried pickles and the decadent fried Twinkies. Then it happened. Something I have never seen before appeared on my screen, and I had to sit up in bed (yes, I was watching this in bed) to get a better look. Are you ready for this? It was chicken fried bacon. Genius! I've now spent the last part of a beautiful afternoon pestering the shit out of Mr. Bitchford because I want him to make some. I'll report back on its tasty, artery clogging goodness as soon as I can get him to break down and make it.

UPDATE: Mr. Bitchford said, "Hell to the no." I wasn't aware of his Whitney Houston vocabulary. I'm still working on him.

More Bathroom Drama

You guys know that there is constantly shit going down in my workplace bathroom (yeah, I said shit going down). Mrs. Flax just emailed me a new word for that funky, sweaty crotch smell that some of the women leave wafting in the stalls.

Tweat: it's a combination of the word "twat" and "sweat"

Example: Man, this cubicle reeks of tweat!

This will sound a lot better than me yelling across the room of cubes at Sukie, "Hey, Sukie. Don't go in the bathroom. Some bitch is sporting the cod fish panty today!"

Damn, Girl! That's a shirt!

I know this is an older picture, but it had to be said. Damn, Britney! That's a shirt!

Sex in the City

The Sex and the City movie will open in theaters tomorrow. I'm a huge fan, and I plan on dragging Sukie to this movie. I do have a few bones to pick before I see the movie. I decided to write a letter. Here it goes.

Dear Carrie Bradshaw,
You are a fucking liar. There is no way that you are a "writer" in New York and are able to spend the money you do. $40,000 worth of shoes? Really? Bitch, please. First of all, I don't believe it. Second of all, if it is true, you should be slapped. Hard. Let's now move on to your girlie breakfast time with Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. Do you really want us to believe that you have a nice apartment, designer clothes, designer shoes, and you get to eat breakfast out...in the city...every day...on a writer's salary? Again. Not buying it.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the escape from reality that you provided me every Sunday night for an hour. It was nice to pretend that one could live that lifestyle and really be content and happy. I shall be at your movie with bells on. I know you won't disappoint.
Sincerely,
Alex

P.S. I read somewhere that Miranda was the true sexual freak because nice girls don't dye their hair that color. Is this true?

P.S.S. Tell Mr. Big that I would totally do him.

Off the Market

A woman I work with, the Peroxide Queen, has recently taken to the Internet to find a man. I've had SO much fun with this! She's not off to a great start, so I thought I would look on Craigslist and see what people had to offer. Here is what I found in the men seeking women section.

Looking for gold in a field of boogers. - 37
Points for creativity? I don't know.

Looking For A Lady with a Love for Anal - 50
Who isn't about the anal love? ;)

Looking for lunch and a midday frolic - 42
If I were single, I would so call him.

44yr old Business Owner seeking 20-something woman - 44
Yeah. You and every other nasty fucker, buddy.

Dating or Cunilingus - 22
Not a good speller. At least he's a giver?

Free Male Masturbation Show for You or Your Friends! - 30
I would seriously like to call him. "Masturbation man? This is Alexandra. I would like to bring all of my girlfriends over and watch you whack off." Ugh!

Athletic & Successful Guy Looking for Sexy, Intelligent Female - 27
What do you want to bet he lives with his parents?

I'm glad I'm off the market. I do feel bad for Peroxide Queen. Who knows? Maybe her love is waiting to whack off for her as we speak.

Ahhh...The Smokey Aroma

I was going through some boxes in the attic, and I found a treasure from my teenage years. It was a Skid Row t-shirt! I loved Sebastian Bach. The hair, the lips, the long and lean body, everything. He was perfection to me. I still love the look, but I now refer to it as the smokey aroma. I have taken shit for liking kinda dirty, long haired men for awhile. Everyone thinks it's funny and out of character for me. I don't care. I still love me some smokey aroma. Here is a tribute to my Skid Row t-shirt. May it rest in peace because it will never again stretch across my breasts.

A Request for Sukie

Dear Sukie,
One of our readers found the following video on youtube:

These videos are created by a group called The Creation Adventure Team. Some of them contain logical ideas like, "An animal's sharp teeth doesn't tell you what food it ate or how it behaved, only that it had sharp teeth. Bears have sharp teeth, but they are vegetarians. Therefore, man and dinosaurs were both created on the sixth day and coexisted peacefully." I hope you caught my sarcasm there. Anyway, the reader thought this would really get your juices going and has requested a good ole Sukie response.

Joke for the Day

Someone sent me this. It's too funny not to share.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Carolina Girl and Her Gimp

These two fucked up my world today. I thought I would stop by Sam's Club and grab some fruit. Fruit has skyrocketed in price, and Sam's is the cheapest place to get it...and it's still good quality. Anyway, there were a shit ton of people in line and a bunch of slack jawed knuckle draggers checking them out. Gimpy, the one who is raised up out of his Jazzy, had already tried to run over my feet in the bread aisle. Carolina Girl, who was with Gimpy, slammed her cart into mine in order to let Gimpy break in line. Bitch. If you will look at the size of her legs, you will see why I wasn't going to scrap with her. She looks like she's been carrying large sacks of taters for her exercise. Anyway, Gimpy slides into line and stands up. I don't mean he feebly stands up. I mean he stands the fuck up and starts loading his 55 lb. bag of dog food onto the conveyor belt. To top off this experience, they both pay separately and with checks. I hate this fucking place.

Happy Anniversary to Us

The Bitches turn a year old tomorrow. Honestly, we are both just too fucking tired and wore out to think of anything cool to do. I would like to thank our readers. You guys allow me to have an outlet for all of my unhealthy anger. If it weren't for you all, I would target all of the Eastwickeans, and I would be in jail. So, thanks! :)

Sisqo Would be Proud

The Cougar's knitted thongs arrived today! They are fabulous and wonderful. In case you were wondering, they are very soft and seem like they would be comfortable. I would highly recommend ordering these for gifts or just as a treat for yourself. I ran by the mail room to see if they had arrived, and I was on my way to a fundraising meeting. There were a ton of old, white men at this meeting. It pleased me to know that I had four hand knit thongs in my bag. At one point, I kept envisioning myself dancing on the boardroom table and throwing the thongs in all of their faces. I found myself humming the following:

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong"

A girl can dream...

Where in the hell...

is John fuckin' Edwards? Why has he not endorsed a candidate yet? The people of North Carolina are voting, and he is nowhere to be found. Anyone seen him?

The man sure can wear some fleece. Mmm.

Ice Man

This is my new neighbor. No, I'm not kidding. He has hair likes this and wears mirrored sunglasses. I was in the hammock yesterday, and I heard the revving engine of his crotch rocket. Yuck! Once he climbed off of his giant man vibrator, he started to do yard work. When he would get close enough to me, I would start to sing softly. "Highway to the Danger Zone. I'll take you right into the Danger Zone." Nothing. Hmmm. Maybe I can sneak and take a real pic for you guys.