Boob Tube nonsense

I was quite distraught over the demise of Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner's relationship. Make of that what you will. I don't care. I like The Girls Next Door, and I really liked Holly Madison. And I thought, like Hef, that she was in it for the long haul. That show is good laughs. IDK why. Mr. Bitchmont keeps asking, and my answer is the same every time: "I have no idea why I am so amused by this shit." Anyway...

Then, I was even more distraught to read that Hef had already moved some other gals into the house and was considering replacing Holly with...ugh, ick, yuck...Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Sisters. Twins. Now, I'm sorry, girls, but that's where I draw the line. Yup, I draw the line at sharing the rich, saggy millionaire with your 19 y/old, thieving twin (I never claimed to have stellar morals).

So...

Dear Hef,
Please move those nasty twins outta the mansion ASAP. Do not make them girlfriends. In their place, I would like to nominate Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love and I Love Money fame (she was Playboy Cybergirl of the Week once, too).
Love,
Sukie

Yes, I did just admit to knowing who Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love and I Love Money is. Don't judge me (seriously: stop!). I can't help it I find her dumb-blonde-act-hiding-an-inner-evil-bitch thing amusing. Really, she's the only reason I checked into I Love Money.

You know who else I'd like to see on TV again? Heather, also from Rock of Love. She? Was HIL-arious.

The end.

Tina Fey was funny...not so much everyone else...

Now, the debate sketch left a lot to be desired IMHO. I mean there was plenty of stuff they could've pulled from that debate that would've been really funny in an SNL skit. I mean, what about the whole "I have a bracelet...I have a bracelet, too" thing. That? Could've been hysterical. Think: "Mine's shiny than yours!" "I've had mine longer!" "Mine's bigger!" Whoever has the best bracelet wins the presidency! Have at it! What'll it be at the next debate? Necklaces? Actual dog tags? Earrings? So much could've been done with that. It makes you wonder if the SNL writers fell asleep during the debate.

They did nothing with John McCain's opening comment that he "hasn't been feeling "too great lately."


And what about this comedic opportunity:
John McCain: "As president of the United States, I want to assure you, I've got a pen." He then held up a Sharpie, looked at it and said, "This one's kind of old." That? Was just funny anyway? How'd they miss that one??

Or how about mocking the pronunciations? McCain, no matter how many times he tried, could NOT pronounce Ahmadinejad correctly. And Obama? Pronounces Pakistan and Taliban weird. There's definitely something SNL writers could've worked with.

Plus, there were plenty of good one-liners, that just made you go WTF? Like this one from John McCain: "I looked into Mr. Putin's eyes, and I saw three letters: a 'K,' a 'G' and a 'B.'" What? That was funny.

I mean, really, SNL...looks like without the likes of Tina Fey, you're just not funny. Time to dip back into the talent pool. I could do better than that. Seriously.
(I will, however, concede that the bit with Hillary at the end "just in case John McCain didn't show up" was pretty funny.)

Got this e-mail last night...

And I figured I'd share it because of how true it rings...

(Note: I am aware that, contrary to public opinion, this is a complete fiction circulated via e-mail: Bill Gates did not say these things. What follows is actually an excerpt from the book Dumbing Down our Kids by educator Charles Sykes. It is a list of eleven things you did not learn in school and is directed at high school and college grads.)

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Sukie Says...

I just got all hot and bothered watching John Edwards and Barack Obama on stage together.

Man, ain't they a handsome pair? What a good looking ticket that would be: Obama/Edwards '08.

So...in case you missed it (and to get a bit more serious), John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama tonight. He will throw not only his support but the support of his 18 delegates in Obama's direction. In his words, "The Democratic voters have made their choice, and so have I. There is one man who knows and understands that this is a time for bold leadership, a time to create the lasting change needed...one man who knows in his heart it's time to create 1 America, not 2, and that man is Barack Obama."

Now, listening to the two of them talk...man, I am telling you what--there's nothing like these two together to make you feel hopeful again, make you believe that America can turn around, that change can happen...and will...and that President Obama will be the one to do it.

Sukie is fired up and ready to go.

Obama/Edwards '08: This is our moment.

A Letter from Sukie

Dear Hillary,

It is mathematically impossible for you to win the nomination. Do what's right for us--the Democratic Party--and learn a new trick. It's called humility. Step back. All you're doing is hurting the party--your negative attacks and negative campaigning are only giving John McCain fuel for his fire in November. The very fact that you are willing to do this proves that you are more concerned with yourself than with the party, than with getting a Democrat in office in November. And you're rubbing off on your supporters! Exit polls show that large numbers of your supporters won't vote at all or will vote for John McCain in November if Obama becomes the nominee. I'm not sure what that makes them--selfish on your behalf?? But it doesn't make them good Democrats. (I, for one, would have voted for you if you'd won the nomination--because I'm a Democrat, and that's what a good Democrat would do) Let me borrow your own words: are you ready for a third term of George W. via John McCain?? I know I'm not, so please, please, please stop. Just stop. Let's unify this party sooner rather than later.

Sincerely,

Sukie

PS: A gas tax holiday? Really? Come the **BLEEP** on! Are you a Republican? Because you're acting like one--treating all these middle class, working class, blue collar Americans like they're too damn stupid to figure out that you're offering a ridiculously short-term (hopefully election-winning) solution (saving us about $30 over the course of one summer) for a problem that will just reappear, rearing an even uglier head (the price of a barrel of oil is expected to go up to $200 after summer--think $8/gallon gas) when your little "holiday" is over. Is it really worth the votes you're picking up from conservatives--you know, throwing the rest of us under the bus when you so adamantly claim to be looking out for our best interests??

Too much of a good thing

The Big Man in Charge (aka Mr. CEO) decided we have too many committees.

He formed the Committee on Committees to study committees within the company culture and to determine what is to be done about all these commitees.

Seriously. I couldn't make that up.

hmm...

And they wonder why education in the South trails behind the rest of the nation...
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,339732,00.html

I'm just curious...

Doesn't Congress have better things to do than worry about whether or not Roger Clemens was injected with steroids ten years ago?

That is all.

I'd just like to say...

(because I have a blog, and Valerian Root makes me a little loopy...I think this might be better than your Xanax, Alex...oh, and because I managed to keep my mouth mostly shut at work for, like, 3 weeks now)

that I think Super Delegates are a crock. Isn't it a little not Democratic to say that certain people's votes count more and could potentially trump our votes...

and that I'm sick to death of grown adults who act like children...

and that I hate, like, 98% of the people at my place of employment (but I didn't major in math)...

and I think it's stupid that grown-ups can't even do the simplest assigned tasks at work (I wrote the number down for you--all you had to do was copy it onto the form!)...

and Fuck teamwork...shit gets done and done right and more quickly when I just do it my damn self...

and that's because 98% of the people I work with are complete and total jackasses disguised as regular human beings...

and Fuck my doctor for thinking melatonin and blood pressure meds would cure my insomnia (I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep one night in two weeks)...

and that it's 2008 and you should know how to use a damn computer--there's one on every damn desk in this building...

and no one gives a rat's ass about what your kid did at school yesterday...we just want this stupid fucking meeting to end for the love of FSM!

and Seriously? Thanks for the praise, but I didn't build a fucking rocket...all I did to fix your stupid problem was to pick up the phone and dial a number and ask somebody...now, why the fuck couldn't you do that? It's called a motherfucking brain, bitch...use it--I know you have it because you're still fucking breathing.

and Hey, Fatty McFatterton: PS: you're fat because you eat Fast Food EVERY fucking day. Yeah, that's right--I see that Zaxby's on your desk again! I'm not because I had a salad for lunch...so stop telling me it's just because I'm blessed by your crazy Down-Home Baptist God.

The end (for now).

Ain't no mountain high enough...

Or so thinks Mike Huckabee who just ain't gonna quit no matter how dim his prospects look. Says, the Huckster when confronted with the mathematical impossibility of his nomination: "I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles." Well, that will be helpful in restoring the economy after this recession we're barreling into, thanks Huck. Seriously, though, this quote had Jack and me rolling last night. Every thirty minutes or so, we'd just quote Huck: "IDK--I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles!" But I guess majoring in miracles didn't hurt too much in the Southern state of Louisiana--or in Kansas, where he beat out McCain with 60% of the vote (WTF??), or even in Washington State where (as of right now--still calculating results) he made an impressive show with 24% of the vote to McCain's 26%. (Notably, Ron Paul walked away with what looks like 21% of the vote in Washington--even though he might as well be out of the race. I'm not sure what the people in Washington were thinking with that one, but, um, okay...). The conservative Republicans are sending John McCain a clear message: "We don't really like you." Huck took Kansas by a landslide, and Louisiana's results are still being calculated, but the results there are at least close. Here's what it boils down to: social conservatives do not like John McCain. They're upset that the Republican party has not presented them with a clear conservative choice for President. They want someone who is adamantly pro-life, who will staunchly opposed gay marriage, who will put judges on the Supreme Court who will vote that way, too. They want a "true conservative" (particularly on social issues). And with Romney gone, that person is Mike Huckabee (God help us). Now, it continues to be mathematically impossible for the Huckster to win enough delegates to get the nomination. But here's what could potentially happen if God starts granted all those miracles Huck's been studying: he could keep John McCain form getting enough to get the nomination. Then, the Republicans will be forced into a different kind of convention: one in which the delegates no longer have to vote the way they're supposed to now--they could vote for whichever candidate they personally want to. This basically gives Huck a snowball's chance in Hell, but you know...he did major in miracles, so...

On the Democratic side, Barack rocked the vote, winning 3 out of 3 states last night: Washington State (with 68% of the vote), Louisiana, and Nebraska (with 68% of the vote). Louisiana sent just as clear a message to Democrats: "We're tired of business as usual. We're tired of the government making promises it can't keep. We want change." They voted Barack Obama by 57%. The difference, though, really becomes most clear when you look closely at the results from the ninth ward in NOLA, where voters overwhelmingly chose Barack Obama over Clinton. The precinct results there show numbers like 10 to 1 for Obama. Bottom line: Clinton has 1,100 delegates and Obama has 1,039, according to CNN calculations. Obama leads in pledged delegates -- 908 to 877 -- but Clinton's superdelegates -- 223 to 131 -- give her the overall lead. BUT there are still states left to go...there's still voting left to do...and the next three weeks aren't looking so hot for Clinton. Even she admits Obama has the advantage in the states where voting will happen in that time period. She's waiting for the bigger contests in Ohio and Texas--and planning to win there. Hopefully, though, she's overestimating those states...then again, I didn't major in miracles...so I'm not sure... ;-)

Yes We Can

Bring Back '07

2008 sucks. For shizzle. Why do people I know keep dying? Seriously. It's only the 14th, and I know of at least 8 people who've died. It's insane! Just today we found out my friend's 14 y/o cousin killed himself. How miserable!

I want to go back to 2007. Pronto.

quote of the year

Remember this?
Well, "Don't tase me bro" has officially been named the quote of the year for 2007.
I'm not sure what this says about our society...

Second on the list?
Little Ms. Southern Beauty Queen's "such as" snafu...the funniest part of which I still think is "U.S. Americans."

BC: Nothing!

Do you think Barbara Walters had any idea how truly moronic Sherry Shepherd is before she put her on TV?

This, notably, is the prevailing belief of most Eastwickeans as well: nothing predates Jesus! Nothing!

Just a thought...

If the 18 y/o grandson of a former state legislator drinks himself to death in a
fraternity house, and no one talks about the cause of death, does that mean
he died of natural causes???

Ah, Sukie, now...Part Deux

So…for Jessie’s benefit, here’s an elaboration (at least I hope I explain this in a way that makes some sense):

Our office, in an attempt to appear less bigoted (which is kind of a joke anyway, but whatever…), formed a committee designed to train the staff about issues related to diversity. The goal was to educate our fellow co-workers about different types of people and to promote tolerance at work. Well, in an attempt to reach this goal in our extremely conservative, Southern work environment, we (the committee) addressed all sorts of people and issues. I’m talking we did discussions and seminars on different races, religions, ethnicities, etc.

Wonderful, right? Sure. Until...(dum, da, dum, dum) the committee attempted to discuss the issue of homophobia. Note: We were very careful. Our information was strictly informative in nature: this is what homophobia is. We did not push any “agenda” on anyone. We did not attempt to persuade anyone that homosexuality is good, ok, or preferable (not that we happen to think it’s bad, but we know our audience well enough to stick to what we think we can actually accomplish. We know we are not going to convince these people that homosexuality is not a mortal sin, but we just want to try to get them not to hate people/discriminate against them based on sexual preference).

Anyway…so, the president of the company vetoed our session on homophobia…in part based on a PowerPoint presentation in which we defined the terms “heterosexism” and “homophobia.” Well, the committee reconvened to discuss the veto, and little Miss Frizzy Head looks at the PowerPoint slide with part of the definition of “heterosexism” on it, and says, “Actually, I, too, am offended by the fact that you think it’s wrong I assume that everyone is heterosexual. I mean, it's my assumption, you can't say it's wrong.”

And that is when I lost my cool. A) because that’s not what it said/ meant (never did anything we created say anything was "right" or "wrong" and B) because it is wrong.

And so I lunged across the table, and said, “That’s not what it says! That is not even the issue up for discussion.” (Because--remember--I cannot control myself anymore, apparently--i never intended to lunge or shout; it just happened)

And then she attempted to respond with some nonsense, and I didn’t even let her get it all out before shouting again, “It’s not OK. It’s not OK for you to assume I am a heterosexual. You don’t know me! You don’t know who or what I am! Maybe I have a girlfriend! Maybe I have a wife! By definition, if you assume I am a heterosexual, you are heterosexist. That’s the definition!”

And then, she said, “But it’s wrong…”

And then, according to Alex, I pushed an imaginary piece of paper across the table and sat back, and said “And that’s the problem with this place” and crossed my arms (According to Alex I do this in meetings all the time now...and thanks to her, I have just now realized that I have this habit of giving people imaginary pieces of secret paper).

I don’t know how to get my cool back…I at least used to be able to hold my tongue 'til later...but lately I just shout out whatever is in my head--like Tourette's, only not.

Yesterday, I couldn't stop myself either--in a different meeting, with a different committee, the committee leader kept insisting that Ms. Flaky was on our committee, and I was all, "She's not. She hasn't been to a meeting in forever." To which she responded, "She came to one." Could I stop there? No. So then, I say, "Yeah, once in two years. Great." Seriously. I can't shut myself up. Not even a little. And now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I pushed that imaginary piece of paper across the table then, too.

What am I going to do?

The list of annoyances continues...

32. When people write really LONG e-mails filled with completely irrelevant information and finish them up by saying, "Sorry for the long e-mail, but..."

Thanks for the apology, buddy. It totally makes up for the fact that I just wasted 10 minutes reading a bunch of drivel that has nothing to do with the point of your e-mail, which could have been summed up in two sentences.

Something else...

that gets on my nerves:

31. Wedding ceremonies in which the officiant tells the story of woman's creation from the rib of Adam, illustrating woman's purpose in this world: to be a helpmate to man. This is generally followed up with the vows in which the woman must promise to submit to her new husband.

What a crock. Yes, Jack and I attended such a wedding ceremony this weekend. And yes, I almost choked on my laughter when the preacher declared that each must be willing to give up his/her independence and individuality to the other to become one new body in Christ. Afterwards, I looked at Jack and said, "No way in hell." He agreed. This is why he is not one of the things that gets on my nerves. (I guess that's #1 for that particular list).

Down with Wal-Mart!

Another thing that makes me mad...

30. Wal-Mart. I don't shop at Wal-Mart....mostly because in Eastwick people tailgate in the parking lot, and it freaks me out.

But today, I watched that documentary about the cost of Wal-Mart, and now I hate Wal-Mart even more. Evidently, I have to help pay for Wal-Mart's employees' health care...amongst other things. This does not make me happy.

In general, I prefer small, family-owned stores to giant conglomerates anyway, and I've always seen Wal-Mart as kind of evil, but now I have actual facts and figures to back up my stance.

They really are evil--right down to their union-breaking tactics to keep their workers underpaid and overworked. Wal-Mart might be the worst thing about America.

10 More Things...

that get on my nerves...

11. When people hear a word they like and latch on to it for about a month, using it every chance they get. For example, Mr. V. won't stop talking about the impetus for things. Every other sentence contains the word impetus. It is very annoying--I'm not even sure he knows what it means. Last month his favorite word was folk, as in "These folk have taught us much about sales." Is that supposed to make him sound down home? He's from NY.

12. When people use words like diad. Who says, "You'll form several diads and one triad for this activity." Why wouldn't you just say, "Get into pairs and one group of three."? Sarsly. Who says diad?

13. When Daylight Savings Time ends...I am so tired. I hate this sh*t.

14. When people use far too many metaphors in a short period of time. Dude...just say what you mean--we'll all get it. I swear, we will.

15. When adults still try to "fit in" as if they're still in high school. Give it up already--you're never gonna be the "cool kid." Love yourself.

16. When people tell you to do things that make no sense and can't even clarify when asked what it is they want you to do. For example, workshop coordinator today: "List the theoretical realities of this project." What?? Theoretical realities??? That's a total oxymoron. So we asked for an explanation and an example...he couldn't give one. Super annoying.

17. When parents pretend the screaming child in the shopping cart isn't even there. I hear him; I know you hear him. Shut him up, or leave him at home if you don't know how.

18. When Tom Cruise talks on TV.

19. When the toilet paper in the employee bathroom won't roll out of the locked holder. There's no way to get it out! So you just have to walk up three flights of stairs to another bathroom.

20. When people put you on speakerphone without warning you first.