Highlights from the West Coast

I had to travel for work recently, and these are some of the highlights.

1. It sucks to travel with a ton of people from work. I was ready to go out to eat at some cool local places. For most of my colleagues, this meant going to Applebees. Hmmm. I love sampling frozen, processed food.

2. I stepped out on my shared balcony, and I found a man sipping his morning coffee, while wearing a lady's nightgown. I stared at the view for a minute, and then I went back in. I peeked out of the curtains a few times. Odd.

3. I don't recommend sitting in front of the three year old wearing cowboy boots on the plane. She's a bitch, as is her mother.

4. I also don't recommend sitting behind the two year old screaming her head off. Her mother then decides it's a great idea to give her THREE hard boiled eggs! That child was cutting sulphuric farts all the way to the east.

5. Do not sit with your drunkard of a boss at dinner. He will tell you secrets you don't want to know and stare at your breasts.

X-Files

My x-files have been closed for a long time. The x-husband showed up at my office today. He works for the same employer, but our offices are located in different places. Anyway, he shows up to talk. I don't talk to him...ever...so this was weird. He sits down and says, "I'm getting married on Saturday, and I wanted to know if you had a reason that I shouldn't." My response was, "No." He went on to talk about how he wasn't sure, and he wishes things had worked out with us. I wanted to know what marriage he had lived in because the one I had been in sucked ass. I told him that everyone knows how wishy-washy I can be about decisions. I followed this up by saying, "Divorcing you was the one decision I have made that I never waivered on, and I never regretted it." I got up and went to a meeting that I was running late for. Oh, he asked me if I was going to call "her" and tell. I don't even know who "her" is, but I wouldn't do that. That's "her" shit to deal with. What the fuck is wrong with him? Now I'm stuck working with this dumb fucker. Ladies, be so careful of who you marry.

Where to go from here?

Who the fuck knows! Mr. Vomit came to talk to me today. I didn't have a lot to say to him, and there were some awkward silences. I usually feel like I have to fill those, but I didn't today. I just stared at him. He muttered a few things and left. I have been struggling to keep up with my work load, plus my graduate class is kicking my ass right now. Everything is due by Friday, and I will be cutting it close. It seems like everything has been piled on me this week. I was checking my email this afternoon, and I had one from Mr. Vomit. It was an actual apology. He really said, "I apologize." He also stated that he valued me and my work. That sort of creeped me out because it sounds like cheesy bullshit, but whatever. Normally, I would try to figure out his angle, but I just don't have time, and I don't much care anymore. My goal is to finish all of my work and school crap and take Thursday off. I haven't been out with Mr. Bitchford in forever, and his exams will end on Wednesday. I think we're going to an early movie and just not plan the rest of the day. The rest of my week can only go up from here, right?

Past Pissed Off

I had a shitty day at work. Mr. Vomit is once again at the center of my shitty day. To any new readers out there, Mr. Vomit is a shit-eating dog fucker that I work with, and I'm being nice with that description. Sukie and I work on a project with him, and he basically just doesn't listen to anyone. He's very disorganized, and he fucking forgets everything. The worst thing about him is when something goes wrong, he blames everyone around him. Well, today he blamed me. He drew back a bit of a nub, but the damage was done. He went to imply that I didn't do my job, so I called him a victim. I explained that victims do not take responsibility for their own actions nor do they seek solutions. Instead, they try to push the blame off on others in the hopes that no one will notice that they fucked up royally. He shut up. Once the meeting started to break up, I tried to address him one on one. It went like this.

Me: "Mr. Vomit, I can't read your mind. If you need help with parts of the project, you need to ask me. I prefer to speak to you face-to-face and not get in an email war with you."

Mr. Vomit: "That's fine."

Me: "Clearly, you feel that I have dropped the ball. I would like to talk about this and come up with some solutions that we can both live with."

Mr. Vomit: silence

How the hell do you work with and reason with a fucktard? Seriously? I'm thinking of quitting the project because I would just really prefer to spit in his face and not talk things out. I would also like to punch him directly in his shiny "I get a facial every week" face. I don't really want to quit because I really like the project. There is no hope of him being replaced, so I just feel stuck. What's a girl to do?

Alexandra the Rapper

Do you ever have something happen at work, and you think you blogged about? You go back through all of your blog entries, and you can't find it. WTF, right? I thought I had told you guys about this woman I had been working on a project with. This was last year, but I'll give you a summary to lead into the new happenings. Long story short, we were chosen to work on the same project, but we were from different departments. She felt that she was in charge, and I thought we were working as a team. She tried to give me what she called a directive, and I laughed at her. She then went on to bob her head at me, wag her finger, and call me a little white girl. She's black. I was really upset, and I've thought about it a lot since. It really bothered me that she saw me as just some white girl she worked with. I guess at least I was little.

Anyway, she has a new boss. The boss came to me and asked if I could sit in on some meetings with this woman and evaluate her. The new boss felt like I had more experience in this particular area, and the new boss felt that I might could help. Turns out that the bitch really sucks at her job. It was worse than I thought. I was not mean, but I was very honest with her new boss. The new boss decided to demote her and put me in charge of mentoring her on her motherfucking job! It's funny because karma is a bitch, but as you can imagine, I'm not looking forward to this. She won't be happy. I thought I could show up on the first day and rap for her. Here's what I have so far.

Yo, yo, yo bitches
I'm a little white girl
Short and small
You fucked with me
So I took your job and all, beeyotch.

Feel free to add your own lines.

Weight Watchers Bitches

I went to the information session for Weight Watchers at Work. Our company has many divisions, so it's hard to know everyone who works there. There were several ladies that I only knew by name. I walked in, and three of them loudly exclaimed, "Oh God! Why are you here?" I was caught off guard and a little embarrassed. They continued with, "I hate it when people show up who don't need to lose any weight." Now, I'm not as heavy as some of these ladies were, but I'm not rail thin either. Plus, weight is a sensitive subject. I didn't understand why they would be such snarky bitches. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I got up and put my coat on. The facilitator asked if I was leaving. Yeah, what clued you in? The fact that Twinkie, Ding-Dong, and Ho-Ho over there made my face turn three shades of red? The entire room gave me a bad vibe. There was one other woman there, who is a lifetime member. She's already lost her weight, but she wanted to attend the meetings for continued motivation. They were tearing her apart too. I think I'm going to join online. A friend of mine is a member online, and I think we could be each other's weight therapy counselor. ;)

Productivity is my Foreplay

I had the worst day at work today. It just seemed like no one wanted to do what they were supposed to do...all at once. I just bitched the entire way home, and I know it had to wear on Sukie's nerves. Oh well, sometimes you just gotta bitch. To top it all off, my engine light popped on. Fuck!

I came in, and I started to pick things up. When I'm upset, I gather. I want everything to be in a nice, neat, and dust-free place. Then, I started loading the dishwasher. Once the dishes were out of the sink, I realized how dirty it was. Must clean the sink! I gave the dogs more water, and I realized their bowls were dirty. Must wash dog bowls! I went to the bedroom (by this time, Mr. Bitchford was just following me and observing), and I started to strip the sheets off of the bed. I had to have clean sheets. I couldn't sleep on dirty sheets and be pissed off. I finished all of this productivity off with some vacuuming.

It felt wonderful, and I felt like I had released most of my stress from my day. Am I weird? Perhaps I have stumbled upon my next career. A Merry Maid!

Putting Out Fires at Work

Literally! Sukie and I stumbled upon a cigarette fire at work today. We happened to be walking between buildings, and there was a small fire, quickly getting larger, in the mulch. People just kept walking by. A woman in a car stopped and gave Sukie a bottle of water. I ran around trying to find someone to call security. I came back, and Sukie was waving her empty water bottle around and stomping the hell out of the fire. At one point, I thought her skirt may go up in flames. Ironically, the fire started in close proximity to the no smoking sign. I hate that we didn't stumble upon the person who carelessly flicked his cigarette into the mulch. I hope he ends up burning his "low hanging fruit" one of these days. Careless fucker.

WTF?

You'll never believe this. I just received a company letter with the phrase “low-hanging fruit” in it. It made me giggle. I mean, seriously, that sounds like a pair of old man balls. I believe they were referring to projects we could get to the fastest, but come on. Low-hanging fruit?

Mr. Vomit Strikes Again

Mr. Vomit has been at it again. I'm not really sure how one person can fuck so many different things up, but he does. Sukie and I have taken over most of the tasks on the project we are working on. 75% of his time has been reallocated to this project, but he always fucks everything up that he does. This is why we just decided to do most of it ourselves. So, he has one task to complete. Just one! You guessed it. He fucks it up. Not only does he fuck the task itself up, but he fucks Sukie over in the process. Plus, he fucks our clients over in the process. Why does management not see who he is? Is he sucking someone's dick? Has he someone sucking someone else's dick? This makes no sense. In these economic times, these are the people who should be weeded out. The only thing that is keeping me from walking up to him tomorrow and punching him directly in his "I"m dumb as shit, but I don't think anyone has caught on" face is the fact that I'm scared of the consequences. I'm just being honest. What in the fuck gives?

The only good thing is that I did swing my mental dick at him. Sukie and I have to take a business trip soon, and it concerns this project. He was wanting to send this other stupid fucking bitch of his, and I just kicked her ass off the trip. I changed the name on all of the registrations for hotel and travel, and I just picked someone who is actually a hard worker and pleasant. Do you know he didn't say a word? So, fuck you, Mr. Vomit.

Be More of a Dick

I've decided on a New Year's resolution. I usually don' t do these unless there is something I really want to work on. I've decided to stop reacting to people like a southern woman. Southern women tend to shoulder the blame, and they worry about how their actions will make others feel. They do these things so much that they begin to worry and tend to forget about themselves. I fall victim to worrying about people who don't really give a shit about me. I also tend to be loyal to them, even when they have never returned the loyalty. Weird, huh? I guess I can thank my southern mother for that one.

I'm going to change my attitude, specifically at work. I'm going to work like a man. No feelings. No loyalty (except for Sukie because she's my bro, yo). If a decision needs to be made, I'm just going to fucking make it. If someone gets hurt, we'll then they should grow a set. I will know that I've reached my goal when someone says, "Man, she's really a dick." That's what people say about the successful men at the company. I think I'm already on my way. The president of the company has decided that I work well with the person he describes as the following..."I think you work well The Taskmaster. She leaves casualties behind, but she gets the job done. I would like you to work with her on more projects for the upcoming year." Any pointers?

Update: The Peroxide Queen Let Another One Bite the Dust

You guys remember the Peroxide Queen and her VD man that she met online? Well, they were set to be married next year. He had already moved in with her, and she was flashing her diamond to everyone at work. I heard her talking to someone in the break room about pornography. They were trying to decide if the VD man had "crossed the line" or not. I was thinking to myself, "If you have to ask that question, then you probably think he's crossed a line." They spotted me and opened up their pornography gossip circle, so I joined them. Turns out that he had over $10,000 worth of pornography, plus he had a locked room in her house. Excuse me? Locked room in your house? Who the hell lets some strange man from the Internet move in and lock a room in her house? Anyway, he also had his own phone line. He wouldn't let her see anything on his computer. One would think that someone giving you a sexually transmitted disease would be the wake up call, but it took the locked room and the pornography to wake her dumb ass up. She kicked him out. It wouldn't surprise me if she takes him back. We'll see.

Bash Alexandra's Ex-Husband Contest

Well, my ex-husband just landed a job in mine and Sukie's division. He won't be on our floor or anything, but there will be times when we have to work with him. What the fuck? What in the fuck was someone thinking? Sukie thinks that most people don't even know he's my ex-husband because I was always too ashamed to tell anyone. Here's where you come in. Sukie has declared a verbal assault on him. Please comment and tell us some of the hateful things she should say and/or possibly do to him. The winner will win the satisfaction of knowing that you brightened my day with your hateful words. I guess I should look at the bright side. I'll have a hell of a lot more blogging material now.

Work Crap

I was offered a new position today. Technically, it would be more of a leadership role, but I do have questions about how much authority I would really have. The way it was written made me feel like "they" were selling it to me. If it's such a wonderful opportunity, why does it need to be sold?

I really thought about taking it. I made my pros and cons list. I wrote down all of my questions. It made me realize that I would be accepting the position to please the president of my company. I know he's depending on me, but this isn't what I want to do. The last time I made a decision to please other people...well, I ended up married. It didn't work out that well, and people were hurt in the end.

I feel like I've been climbing some imaginary ladder to fucking nowhere. I'm not sure where I want to go. I do get frustrated because it feels like the kiss asses and the fuck ups get all of the credit. Is that just the way it goes?

I'll tell the president (in the morning) that I'm not taking the job. He's expecting me to take it, so I hope he isn't too upset. It just doesn't feel right. Send me some good vibes.

Bitch is Just Stupid

I'm getting ready to change my hair color. I like to mix it up. I'm a natural blonde, but I really love dark red hair. I usually change it when fall rolls around. I can't decide whether I should go dark brown or dark red. Anyway, I was asking some ladies at work, and the office manager piped up...even though I wasn't talking to her because she's a stupid bitch. She says, "I really like you blonde because the red makes you look old." I felt like saying, "I really like you in skirts because those pants you have on make you look like a big fat turd." I didn't. I fucking hate being around her. She's always reciting bible verses to me, and on top of that, she fucks up all of my shit that I give her to do. I used to think she did it on purpose, but she's not that smart. I've noticed that she fucks everyone's shit up. Why don't they fire her, you ask? Because that's just not how they roll. Fuck!

Bitch Done Gone Crazee!

The Peroxide Queen has done it again. She's marrying the VD King. Who the fuck marries a man you've known for 2 months that has also given you the clap? When she told me, I spewed Diet Coke out of my nose and onto her desk. Then I laughed. Loudly. For a long time. Once I composed myself, I asked to see the ring. See, The Peroxide Queen doesn't love anyone but herself, so I'm thinking she must have gotten a big ole rock. She says, "I don't have one." What? No ring? It's not that I think every woman needs a giant rock, but I was trying to figure out what The Peroxide Queen's angle was. I can't. What the fuck is this guy thinking? She's been married twice before, so I guess the third time is the charm? These people confuse me.

As The Cube Turns: Chett Donnelly

Do you guys remember Chett? He was the know-it-all, nasty brother from the movie Weird Science. Anyway, our company has hired him. We had a big meeting this week because it was our kick off to the new fiscal year. So, anyone new that we have hired is introduced. Luckily, Chett is not in our department, but he still caught my eye. When he was introduced, he stood up, pumped his fists in the air, and smacked his gum. He sort of looked like this.

If you remember the movie, Chett ultimately turns into a big pile of shit.

This is my prediction for our Chett too. Good luck, Chettster. I predict that it will be less than a month before you've "bagged" a secretary and spread all of the nasty rumors around the office. Stay tuned to see if Chett turns out to truly be the asshole that he appeared to be.

I Knew It!

The new girl brought her baby to work yesterday. I don't mean she was passing by and needed to get something from her office. I don't mean she was on a lunch break and someone brought the baby by. I mean that I went down the hall at 3:30 p.m., and she had a fucking baby on her hip. Who does this shit? If she's already bringing a baby to work on the second day, then what can I expect next?

Plain Old Motherfucking Oatmeal

She started work today. Sukie met her. She reached out to shake the new girl's hand, and she received a small, wimpy shake. In turn, Sukie crushed her hand. I avoided her most of the day. She shuffled into my office to ask if I was busy. I said yes. I know, I know. I'm a bitch. Here's the thing. Let's say that you go to the Waffle House. You order a big plate of buttery waffles, fried eggs with cheese, hash browns smothered and scattered, and a big glass of orange juice. You are ready for this wonderful, greasy meal. The waitress comes over and gives you a bowl of plain oatmeal. It doesn't have any brown sugar. There are no raisins. It's just plain old oatmeal. I thought the hiring committee had agreed on the Big Slam breakfast, and then I get plain fucking oatmeal. I need to get over it, but I'm pissed. My boss even sent out an email to the hiring committee and said that WE, yes, WE had changed our minds. I didn't change my fucking mind. He changed his. So, now I'm working with plain old oatmeal and a douche bag. Fuckers.

99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't Gone Be One!

I have some major shit to get off of my chest, and it is threefold.

1. I fucking hate the woman at work who is trying to steal mine and Sukie's intellectual property.

2. I'm fucking pissed that my boss hired an empty, beige, shell of a woman in our department.

3. I really fucking hate the fact that John Edwards suckered me into believing in a politician and then acted like a fucking politician.



Problem 1: There is a woman at work that is trying to steal our work! We'll call her Mrs. Lovejoy (that's for all you Simpson's fans out there). She is working on a new project, and she has been charged with developing some employee training manuals/workshops. Sukie and I have done a lot of work in this area, and word has gotten around that the employees dig us. Mrs. Lovejoy basically asked me to hand all of our shit over to her. WTF, bitch? Why can't people use their fucking brains and develop their own shit? She's also one of those people who claims to be religious, but her actions/words don't show it. Clearly, Jesus would not fucking steal our work, Mrs. Lovejoy.



Problem 2: We've had a job opening in our department, and I was asked to help with the hiring process. A very beige woman (I say this because she is insipid) interviewed for the position. When she first walked in, I giggled in my head because she looks just like a Cabbage Patch doll. Exhibit A
She also seemed extremely dull and rehearsed. If that wasn't bad enough, what I call my "eight grade girl" antennae went up. I immediately smelled the "I'm a loser" on this chick. In our line of work, you will be eaten alive if clients smell this on you. To make matters worse, I thought that we had agreed on another job candidate, but apparently someone changed his mind. She'll start in two weeks. I'll keep you updated.

Problem 3: John Motherfucking Edwards! First of all, when Clinton slept with Monica, it really wasn't a shock. I could smell the sex on that man from my T.V. screen. It's why I loved him so. John Edwards, on the other hand, held himself out there as the loving husband to his dying of cancer wife. What if he had secured the Democratic party nomination? Did he even think about that? He certainly said he had thought about the struggling lower and middle classes. Did he not think about what this could do to the party he claimed to stand for? I thought he could be the real deal, and the joke is on me. I really should have known better, but he seemed so right. On a side note, I totally don't think his personal life should play into his politics, but it does...so fuck him for fucking it up.

I'm feeling disappointed and let down. On the other hand, you've allowed me to wallow in my anger and share it with you. For that, I thank you. So, in honor of Jay-Z, I may feel like I have 99 problems, but none of these motherfucking bitches are gonna be one, yo!