Monday Morning Madness

I woke up this morning and was dashing around the house at top speed. I hate Monday mornings. I ran by the television, and I heard Poison playing. I ran back, and I saw Bret Michaels being clotheslined by part of the set at the Tony Awards. My first thought was, "What in the fuck is Poison doing at the Tony Awards?" My second reaction was to laugh so hard that I think I peed on myself a little bit. I know you've probably seen it, but I just coudn't keep my mouth shut. Here it is. The only thing left was a straw cowboy hat from 1983 and a few strands of acrylic hair weave. So sad.

LMAO @ Other People and What-Not

This is my new favorite website:
http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/
It is funny--but also sad.

Hard (pun intended) Economic Times

First, I must start this out by saying that I'm addicted to Google. I love searching for anything and everything. For this reason, I have no idea how in the hell I stumbled across homemade sex toys, but I did. Apparently, times are so tough that a man may need to make himself a homemade pocket pussy. I've posted the directions below with a link. I'm assuming that this was just a spoof for the sex website that features it, but I do wonder how many poor souls have burned the tip of their dick on the homemade pocket pussy. You know someone has tried it, and you know that someone has made the water hot and not warm. I do appreciate the fact that all of the steps, especially step 3, are just straight to the point. Are there any crafty guys or gals out there with more creations?

Pocket Pussy
Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water

Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.



Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside

Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.



Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery fake pussy

Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.

Yo...Joaquin Raps!

Joaquin Phoenix is going to be a rapper.

Courtesy of YouTube:

You gotta give him one thing: he's got some seriously high self-esteem, yo!

Dubya's Letter to Obama

There has been much speculation as to what the letter said. The suspense has been unbearable at times. I was so relieved when someone emailed me what the letter said. Please see below.

Deer Barock, lets hang out this sumer. Stay kewl. W.

hee.

"I always feel like...

somebody's watching me...ain't got no privacy... "

That's evidently how my dog feels because ever since my last post about her...ahem...sexual proclivities, I have been trying to capture this phenomenon on video. However, though, she may be a masturbater, she is not an exhibitionist, and every time I hit "record," bitch stops what she's doing and gives me this, "What? I'm just a cute dog!" look.

This is the best I got, and really, it does not provide the full effect of witnessing the actual experience because, once again, she knew she'd been caught:

Cunt: It's What's for Breakfast

Election Day!

Make sure you go vote today...unless you're voting a McCain/Palin ticket. ;)

We went to visit my in-laws this past weekend, and my mother-in-law had a little treat for me. I've been under major stress at work lately, and I'm just tired of listening to the typcial Eastwickean bullshit. She knew this and had a surprise ready. I went to the bathroom, on Halloween night, and I found the following.

Too funny, right? She totally made Sarah Palin a witch and put her in the toilet. I'm not sure, but I think Mr. Bitchford tried to pee on her a few times. I wonder if Sarah likes the golden shower? Hmmm.

At one point, one of the house guests decided to become Sarah.

It was a relaxing and uneventful time. I've already voted, but I'm getting ready to go to our polling place. I've got my camera ready, and I want to see if there is any action. Please report back to the bitches and let us know what you see out there today.

Angry Soccer Mom

Mr. Bitchford and I went to the mall yesterday. Eastwick finally got a nice anchor store (Dillards), so I wanted to check it out before it got all fucked up and dirty. We were in the parking lot, and we spotted a large SUV. This is not unusual. It had those "this is my family" stickers on the back. You know those soccer moms who put the stickers representing each family member on their cars? Some will even include names. I think this is dangerous because then total strangers know how many kids you have, whether they are male or female, and what their names are. Anyway, we noticed that something was missing on this one. Take a look.



This was with my camera phone, so it's not that great. Do you notice that dad is missing? She's gone and peeled him the fuck off! I thought it was hilarious. Now, look again. A kid is missing too! I didn't notice this, but Mr. Bitchford did. I thought this was fucking funny, and it made me giggle for most of the day. I can think of lots of reasons to peel dad off, but I'm still wondering what the kid did.

hee hee hee...Joe

See what's new! It's updated daily!
http://www.palinaspresident.us/

• Joe the Chair
• Joe the Lightbulb
• Joe Sixpack
• Joe the little man on a horse
• Joe the mauve sofa
• A note from Lorne Michaels
• Is that a dinosaur walking by the window?
• Just like the movie National Treasure (politics for dummies)
• And hello, there, Neiman Marcus & Saks!

In other words, yes, I am still amused by this...I have to do something while I'm waiting for SNL to come on...thanks, Alexandra.

A Friday Funny

www.superpoop.com

ah ha ha ha

This is hysterical: http://www.palinaspresident.us/
You have to move your mouse all around the room and see that different stuff what happens or what Sarah says.

I've been playing with it for ten minutes.

Some things you have to click more than once--like to open and shut the door. I opened and shut the door like 5 times, and something different happened each time--and it was all funny.

I really like throwing a dart to choose the next kid's name: Rake! ;-)

I also like Lady Justice and her litany of "Supreme Court Cases."

And how when you knock over the trash can, Science falls out.

And if you answer the phone...

Oh, fuck it, I really like it all--it's funny!

We All Need Some Laughter

These cartoons come from a site called Superpoop. You've seen The Bitches post Natalie Dee cartoons, and this is Natalie's husband, Drew. These are too fucking funny not to share. Enjoy!

Rachel Ray: The Corn Star

A friend brought this video to my attention. It's. Just. Funny.
Enjoy!

I knew she couldn't pass it up...

It was almost too easy...

Too Funny Not to Share

Gina Gershon as Sarah Palin

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

My Life Is Complete Now

Why?

Because not only is there a talking Barack Obama doll, but there is also a talking Virgin Mary Barbie-like doll.

I am getting one of each. And Barack and Mary are gonna totally get it on:

Mary Doll: "I'm a virgin chosen by God to be the mother of his son."

Barack Doll: "Yes We Can!"

And then he rips off her shroud.

Yes, as a totally fucked up product of Catholic childhood, I am officially that warped.

Dear God, thank you for this.

Amen.

Sukie

Missing Moles

First Enrique and now Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP has had her mole removed. It's big news, people, which I find odd. I'm a huge TMZ fan because it's kind of like my porn, but this is going a bit far. I did find this funny cartoon about said moles. Please enjoy!

Grandma Bitchford and the Shower Door

Well, the Bitchfords are at the beach this week, and true to form, Grandma Bitchford has shown her ass...literally. The beach house has an awesome outdoor shower that is under the house. It's great because we don't track sand in the house, and the ocean breeze blows on you while you are showering. I digress. My sister and I were upstairs, and we heard a horrible thud. She looked at me and said, "Mom just went to the shower. I hope she didn't fall." I get up to go check on her. I run down the stairs, and I hear snorting laughter. I continue towards the shower, and I see Grandma Bitchford completely naked. Keep in mind that the wind is killer this week, so our towels and chairs have been flying away. Anyway, she's doubled over laughing and trying to hang on to her towel. The shower door had fallen off of the hinges! She said that she went to close it, and she put her towel up. She turned around, and the damn door fell off. So, I tried to help her with her towel and the door. I'm glad we didn't have to file a missing person's report. The phone call to the police would have gone something like this. "Yes. We've lost our mother, Grandma Bitchford. We last saw her wrapped in a bath towel heading towards the outdoor shower. The shower door is missing and so is Grandma Bitchford. Please be on the look out for a tanned, naked 65 year old holding onto a large wooden shower door." I'm sure there will be more chaos this week before it's over. Stay tuned.

Theme Song

I've decided that Sukie and I spend so much time together that we need a theme song. Whenever we walk the halls of our offices with our flowing hair blowing out all around us, this song will be playing. When we are waiting at our bus stop looking ravishing in our work outfits and commuter footwear, this song will be be playing. When we are in meetings with Mr. Vomit and decide that we've had enough of his shit, this song will be playing as we exit. Watch out Eastwick! The Bitches are coming!