Thanks-tini

My Thanksgiving day recipe:

3/4 oz. vodka or gin

3/4 oz. dry vermouth

3/4 oz. apricot brandy

1/4 oz. lemon juice

maraschino cherry

Sukie's New Bundle of Joy

I've been M.I.A. lately. It's getting closer to the holidays, and my time is getting away from me. Anyway, Sukie and I adopted some animals the other day. I adopted a beautiful white cat for my nephew. He loves him, and he keeps calling him Mouse and Christopher. Who knows. Anyway, Sukie adopted a dog. I took her picture when she picked her up from the rescue place. She wanted to send out announcements to let everyone know that "It's a girl!" I think she's tired of attending baby showers. At our age, if you do not have a baby, then no one wants to celebrate your life choices. For example, when I worked really hard and got a raise, no one threw me a shower. When I met a wonderful man and decided to live with him...no shower. If I had married him, then I would have had a shower. No one celebrates nontraditional choices. I digress. So, I decided that Sukie should register at Target. You know what? She fucking did. I don't know for sure, but I think she's sending out her announcements and letting her friends know where her new bundle of joy is registered at. I'll be curious to see if her years of financial kindness are repaid.

Rachel Ray: The Corn Star

A friend brought this video to my attention. It's. Just. Funny.
Enjoy!

Theme Song

I've decided that Sukie and I spend so much time together that we need a theme song. Whenever we walk the halls of our offices with our flowing hair blowing out all around us, this song will be playing. When we are waiting at our bus stop looking ravishing in our work outfits and commuter footwear, this song will be be playing. When we are in meetings with Mr. Vomit and decide that we've had enough of his shit, this song will be playing as we exit. Watch out Eastwick! The Bitches are coming!

My Mothership

I have found my mothership, or as George Clinton would say, "my interplanetary funksmanship." It is in the form of a television show. The travel channel featured a segment called Deep Fried Paradise today. It was wonderful. My mouth watered as my new television showcased the glistening fried pickles and the decadent fried Twinkies. Then it happened. Something I have never seen before appeared on my screen, and I had to sit up in bed (yes, I was watching this in bed) to get a better look. Are you ready for this? It was chicken fried bacon. Genius! I've now spent the last part of a beautiful afternoon pestering the shit out of Mr. Bitchford because I want him to make some. I'll report back on its tasty, artery clogging goodness as soon as I can get him to break down and make it.

UPDATE: Mr. Bitchford said, "Hell to the no." I wasn't aware of his Whitney Houston vocabulary. I'm still working on him.

More Bathroom Drama

You guys know that there is constantly shit going down in my workplace bathroom (yeah, I said shit going down). Mrs. Flax just emailed me a new word for that funky, sweaty crotch smell that some of the women leave wafting in the stalls.

Tweat: it's a combination of the word "twat" and "sweat"

Example: Man, this cubicle reeks of tweat!

This will sound a lot better than me yelling across the room of cubes at Sukie, "Hey, Sukie. Don't go in the bathroom. Some bitch is sporting the cod fish panty today!"

Sisqo Would be Proud

The Cougar's knitted thongs arrived today! They are fabulous and wonderful. In case you were wondering, they are very soft and seem like they would be comfortable. I would highly recommend ordering these for gifts or just as a treat for yourself. I ran by the mail room to see if they had arrived, and I was on my way to a fundraising meeting. There were a ton of old, white men at this meeting. It pleased me to know that I had four hand knit thongs in my bag. At one point, I kept envisioning myself dancing on the boardroom table and throwing the thongs in all of their faces. I found myself humming the following:

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong"

A girl can dream...

Update

The Cougar is getting crocheted thongs for her lingerie present. Check a pair out at David's Doll. Thanks, Jessie!

Mr. Poopers Needs Your Help

Someone has abandon a rabbit in our neighborhood. He is similar to the one in this photo minus the large dog.

He's been hanging around under our magnolia tree for over a week now. I've named him Mr. Poopers because that's all he does. He hops and poops. A friend of mind found a rescue organization and gave me the number. I was skeptical because they are a good ways away from me. I contacted them, and the woman was distraught because they have no room. She sighed and said she would come out and catch him this evening. She's still unsure of where they will place him. I thought I would post the sanctuary's website for donations. It's the Adopt-A-Rabbit Program. If you are able, please consider donating a few bucks to this organization. They have been so nice to me and to Mr. Poopers.

UPDATE: Mr. Poopers is safe! Mr. Bitchford caught him, and he has gone to live at the rabbit sanctuary. Yea for Mr. Poopers!

The Neti Pot

I've been having trouble with allergies for awhile now. I would take some meds for it, and it was ok. I would get a little dried out and stop taking them. A friend told me about the neti pot. It's this little teapot that cleanses your nasal cavities. If my research is correct, this is a yoga practice that is supposed to increase your breathing techniques. It's not an easy process, so don't let this woman in the photo fool you. The water does NOT flow freely. It takes awhile to get the hang of it. In fact, don't be surprised if you choke the first week you try this. So far, I think it is helpful. My eyes aren't as puffy in the morning, and my head isn't as stopped up. I guess time will tell. Has anyone else ever used one?

Want some candy?

You can download a free copy of Suze Orman's Women and Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny from Oprah.com.

Offer expires Thursday (2-14) night at 8 PM EST.

Yes We Can

Knits for Cash Campaign

Check out http://davidsdoll101.blogspot.com/! Jessie makes beautiful hand-knit goods and at reasonable prices. It's even freezing in Eastwick this morning, so make sure you have your scarf and hat ready!

The Best Present..Ever!

You know how every year there is one present that you can't wait for the recipient to open? Well, this year that prize is going to our friends' son who is 18 months old. My girlfriend runs her own business from home, and she has been trying to look for some sort of a desk for her son to sit at. Mind you, I don't think kids sit at tables and desks this early, but I could be so wrong because I don't have one. Anyway, Mr. Bitchford was walking the dogs the other day, and I got a frantic phone call. "Quick! Bring the truck down to old lady Esther's house! Her kids have cleaned out her storage barn, and there is the coolest, tiniest, old school desk. I want it!" I jump in the truck dressed in hot pink sweat pants with "Pink" written across my ass and my purple bedroom shoes. I was a sight. I tear around the corner, and I find Mr. Bitchford and my two bitches pacing back and forth. He seriously looked like he may slay the person who tried to cross the threshold of old lady Esther's driveway. We get the tiny desk loaded up, and I get it home. We've decided that the paint is chipping some, so we are going to give it a new paint job. Our friends have a kick ass Cadillac that is black with flames on it. We've decided to make the little desk match the Caddy. I'm going to stencil the kid's name on the back of the desk. This way they can't sell it in a yard sale if they totally hate it. Ha ha! Actually, I think my friend will flip out and love it. This will be the BEST Christmas present ever. I love it when that happens. Has anyone else found THE gift?

NaBloPomo

Did you know November is National Blog Posting Month?

In the spirit of the month, you're supposed to try to post at least one entry a day for every day in November.

Between the two of us, I'm sure Alex and I can do it.

Let's see...

PS: Blog commenters, I turned off the comment moderation thing. It was an accident. You can stop calling to complain now.

The Sukie and Alex Experiment

We have several giant McChurches in Eastwick. I'll just get straight to the point. These places freak me out. I grew up in a Baptist church. It was fairly basic. You came to service on Sunday morning, you brought your covered dish for lunch, and then you ate lunch with all of your friends. The youth group would do some community service, and then we would go on our annual trip together. These new churches don't seem to operate like that. I've been doing a little research on our biggest one. I emailed the membership committee. YES, I said membership committee. You have to take a class, pass the test, and then review the membership contract before becoming a member. I'm not sure if it costs anything or not. I forgot to ask. This place also has TWO ATM machines in the lobby (which looks more like a civic center). Apparently the preacher/pastor does some crazy shit. He has been known to fly through the air in a harness and wear t-shirts that say things like, "God is watching you download that porn!" I dove a little deeper into my research and decided I needed to meet this man. I called, and I was told that NO ONE sees him. The robot lady offered to set up an appointment with one of the assistant pastors. I then asked why I could not see him. She told me that he didn't have time to speak to just everyone. I guess I'm not one of God's worthy children. Before anyone gets offended, remember that I am talking about this one church in particular. Yes, all of the McChurches make me weary, but I am only bashing the one I have some experience with. And, yes, I'm going to attend service to see for myself. So, this brings me back to our experiment. Sukie and I are going to church! We're even thinking of running down front, waving our arms, and begging to be saved. I've been told that this happens every Sunday. I'm curious about where they take you. I bet I'll have to hand over a credit card first. Hmmm. Expect an update within the next few weeks.

The Potty Police

One of my pet peeves is pee on a seat. (hehe...alliteration! Sort of.) Anyway, I went into our communal restroom, and a woman was coming out of the only free stall. I stepped in, and the seat was covered in pee. It looked like she had actually positioned herself over the toilet while hoola hooping and peeing. What the fuck, lady? I then did something I've never had the nerve to do. I'm not sure if it's because it's Friday or because I'm wearing my snappy, new Betsy Johnson heels. Whatever the reason, I stepped back out of the stall, and I asked her why she had peed all over the seat. First, she stared at me like, "What did you just ask me?" My response to this look was, "Well?" She said, "There was pee on it before I went in there, and I didn't want to sit down." Ever hear of toilet paper? Every hear of a seat cover? Damn! I then asked, "So, should I have to clean up your piss because you didn't feel like cleaning the seat before you skanked it all up?" She then told me I was very rude and left. Again, what the fuck? How can I be rude when you pissed the seat all up? I think The Bitches should start a campaign. It will be called "Please be Neat and Clean the Seat, you Dirty Bitch!" If everyone would just sit her happy ass down on the seat, then there would be no pee. And, yes, I am aware that pee is sterile, but I still don't want to sit down in someone else's.

A Message for a Working Gal's Office Door

What the hell? If Sukie and I can't beat 'em, join 'em!

A Letter from Your Older and Smarter Self

Have you ever looked back on a time in your life and wished you could have handled it differently? Perhaps made a different choice? Here is my solution: a letter to your younger self from your older self.

Dear Alexandra,
Here are a few things you should know.

1. Enjoy your mother's hand-me-down Camry. It's free, and someone else pays the car insurance.

2. When you enter your 30's, you will no longer be a size 2. You will have to do things like work in order to pay your mortgage rather than go to the gym and rely on vodka for sustenance. You will no longer be concerned with squeezing into those cute, tiny capris from The Gap. Get over it.

3. Shoes will fit you no matter your size. Invest wisely.

4. You will not need a man to help support you. The only reason you should even entertain the idea of living with one is if he has a large penis and knows how to use it correctly...and often.

5. You will hate most of the people you work with most of the time. This will be the case in every place that you work. Get over it.

6. Everyone will expect you to have babies. This is not a good reason to have any.

7. Everyone will expect you to get married. This is not a good reason to do it.

8. Divorces are expensive. Choose wisely.

9. Chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon will no longer seem like the cool thing to do. Enjoy your cheap and nasty beer while you are young.

10. A good Friday night will no longer consist of frat boys and cigarettes. It will be making sure you stay up late enough to catch Clinton and Stacey on What Not to Wear.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford

P.S. You did inherit your grandmother's hips. Get over it.

Wisdom from a 7-year old

A friend of mine's little girl is a spitfire. She kept getting in trouble for being very truthful with the other children. If she thought another child farted, she would call them out for it. If she didn't like what another little girl said, she would roll her eyes and set the bitch straight. My favorite episode is a recent one. Her mom has been on her to stop acting like this. Apparently, there is a little girl named Hayden, and she does not like her. She borrowed a pencil from Hayden today, and she decided to write her a note. It read as follows:
Dear Hayden,
I hate you, but thanks for the pencil.

I love it!