RIP, Bitches

A walkman with this song playing got me through my first cavity filling at the dentist.

This week was not a good one for entertainment icons. First, we lost Ed McMahon. Then, Farrah Fawcett lost her battle with cancer. And now, the King of Pop is dead.

Jesus is Cheesy

So, this woman asked her boyfriend to make her some cheese toast one night and out came Jesus freakin' Christ! This is her story, at least. I don't really see Jesus in the cheese. Gregg Allman? Maybe. Jesus? Not so much. In the article, she talks about her religion and how important it is to her. She follows this up with the fact that she may try to sell the toast for a large sum of money. Well, nothing says praise the Lord like trying to profit from your religion. Maybe she would give all of the proceeds to her church, but I kind of doubt it. Also, didn't someone else already find Jesus in his cheese toast? Why, oh why, is Eastwick so behind the times?

Hell has Frozen Over

Ok, ya'll. It is officially April, and we are expecting snow tonight. I don't think it will accumulate, but damn! Al Gore, I would like to know what the fuck is up with this weather. Are the poor polar bears migrating to Eastwick?

On an unrelated note, my mother called the other day. She had just come back from a wedding and had wonderful details to share. I think she works with the bride and groom. Anyway, there were four-wheelers, rebel flags, and the bride danced to "I'm a Redneck Woman" by Gretchen Wilson. Oh, and the groom was missing a front tooth. Nope. I'm not making this up.

Now, my mom would like everyone to believe that she was nervously fingering her pearls, but I know better. I bet she was popping wheelies on that four-wheeler with her Ann Taylor suit riding up around her waist. When in Eastwick...;-)

One last thing...if a man comes to your house and tries to sell you some frozen steak, just say no. Check this article out. Seriously, who in the hell buys frozen meat out of the back of a pick-up truck...FROM A STRANGER??? Crazy!

Vertical Ballet

Have you ever heard of this? I hadn't. The local Eastwick news station did a story tonight on vertical ballet. It's what the rest of us call spinning around on a stripper pole. There were these women with their legs wrapped around these big, shiny, phallic poles. I don't mind the whole stripper workout craze, but at least own up to it. My favorite interview of the night was with an older white woman, who began her interview by telling the reporter that she was a good Christian. She said that this is strictly for her health, and it has nothing to do with the sex industry. The camera pulled back from her, and she had on thigh high stockings. She ended the interview by telling the reporter that she had even had a vertical ballet pole installed in her home. Now, we all know that woman is spinning around on that pole for her husband or significant other. Again, that's fine, but don't act like you are not riding the giant, phallic stripper pole.

The reporter also interviewed the instructor, and she looked a lot like Apollonia. Remember her?

The instructor kept calling it vertical ballet too. Come on, lady! I just saw you take a flying leap at that pole. You continued by executing some fancy leg moves that can only be learned in a strip club. Just own it! All week I have been bombarded with shitty news about the local, state, and federal government. Finally, there was a fun story on, and everyone had to act like an uppity bitch. What the fuck? Why couldn't they just call it exotic dancing or something? I really do hate this place.

Hypocrites

As a person living in a red, red state (and an even redder town), I am just not that surprised by this really. I think it's kind of like the "he who smelt it, dealt it" rule. He who condemns it loves it. Just like how all those crazy evangelical preachers keep getting busted for partaking of the sins they preach against in the pulpit. Homophobes, for example, who are having elicit sex with male prostitutes. I'm just saying...there's a reason those living in conservative and religious states are buying more online porn. Why don't they just give it up already???

On the 200th anniversary of Darwin's birth

I find it frightening that 25% of Americans still don't believe in evolution. And most of those? Don't believe in it because they believe in the Bible. You should have heard these people talking on CNN today! It was ridiculous! Example: "Darwin was a hack. The Bible says God created man from dust. And the Bible is truth. Therefore, it is truth that God created man as man and evolution cannot be truth." A little circular reasoning, anyone? Ever heard of begging the question? It's too much, I assume, to expect they've ever taken a biology class. Or a logic class. Especially considering the poll also reveals a direct correlation between education level and belief. Those with more education believe in evolution; those with little education staunchly refuse to believe it. Figures.

R.I.P. Updike

A friend sent me this today. Obviously, The Bitches blog is based off of The Witches of Eastwick. Here's a link detailing his career.

Article

“Updike's ‘The Witches of Eastwick,’ released in 1984, was later made into a film of the same name starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon.”

Are we Really this Uneducated and Scared?

"Budget includes layoffs, furloughs and closing 3 USC campuses"

This was the headline in The State today. Gov. Sanford (SC) is known for his "cut spending" attitude. He once presented the legislators with an honest to goodness pig to represent their pork spending. Get it? Pig? Pork spending? At the time, I didn't understand why he couldn't present them with some possible solutions rather than a farm animal, but this is S.C.

Below you will find travel spending information on all of our fine representatives in S.C. Please take notice of these numbers. Our education system has been circling the proverbial drain for years now. It looks as though now we are not only plunging into the darkness of said drain, but these guys (because they are all old white guys or will be old white guys one day soon) are backing up the already fucked-up drain.

Travel spending rankings:
Area S.C. House of Representatives
1. Bill Sandifer, R-Oconee County, $15,825
2. Phillip Owens, R-Pickens, $15,213
3. Daniel Cooper, R-Anderson, $13,855
6. Bill Whitmire, R-Oconee, $12,970
8. Brian White, R-Anderson, $12,715
16. Don Bowen, R-Anderson, $12,176
25. Michael W. Gambrell, R-Anderson, $11,826
Area S.C. Senate members
1. Thomas Alexander, R-Oconee, $20,073
7. Larry Martin, R-Pickens, $14,460
16. Kevin Bryant, R-Anderson, $12,732
18. Billy O’Dell, R-Abbeville, $12,394
*Source: South Carolina Office of Comptroller General

So, the Gov says we have no money, and he is going to cut, cut, cut. The legislators agree with him, but they are going to spend, spend, spend. Looks like that pig trick worked wonders. It would be one thing if S.C. was actually a progressive state, but it's not. The money spent above has done very little to benefit S.C., hence the nasty mess we are in. I'm convinced that this is S.C.'s way of keeping its residents stupid and scared. By keeping the residents uneducated (hence the drastic budget cuts happening to education), the men above can continue to get the residents' votes. It's scary, and I don't really see an end or a good solution in sight. On top of everything else, do you want to know what S.C. residents are upset about? The budget? Education? Property taxes? Nope.

"SC officials join church rally for 'I Believe' tags"

Yep. They are upset about the I Believe license tags. A fucking license tag concerning religion. There have been no rallies about the public education system. There have been no rallies concerning the 7% and climbing unemployment rate. Again, the majority has become uneducated and scared.

If we keep cutting education, how are we going to create a workforce? What company would want to build here and hire citizens that came from a second-rate education system due to a lack of funding? Great job with the economic development, Mr. Sanford. My dad and I were discussing this yesterday. He is a "directly to the point" type of man, and I asked him what he thought the answer was. He said, "We should tax the hell out of rich people. It's not good for the soul to have more than you need." This made me smile. It's a typical response from my dad, and it's not too far off. Are there any of you out there with states that are still in the dark ages?

A New Year and a Wish for Rayne

So, the first new year's baby in the state was born in Eastwick. Cool, huh? Not so fast. We have been experiencing a major drought, and the new mother wanted to pay tribute to this. The baby's name was Anniyah Rayne. At first, I thought maybe she just didn't realize how this sounds. I went on to read what she had named her 11 month old child. Her name is Arrayah Sunshine. I'm not kidding. I fucking hate this place.

No Communion for Democrats

Check this out. This isn't in Eastwick, but that's only because I don't think Eastwick allows Catholic churches within its city or county limits. Why is this what makes the news?

Welcome to Eastwick

In a recent article in the online version of the local paper, a protest of civil rights violations was briefly mentioned.

Allow me to share with you some of the comments from readers regarding that article in an attempt to show you what a bigoted, racist place I live in.


Exhibit A:
The Civil Rights Act was the beginning of the end for this country. Minorities made it obvious that they would not conform to the American Way, that being work hard and provide for your family. So to meet Civil Rights the standard of living had to be lowered for everyone so that the hard working people would be closer to the lazy poor people. And the lazy poor people were given more and more money from the government. But it is never enough, they always want more. They want jobs they are not qualified for, they want into schools that they don't meet requirements for, they want the police to let them do whatever they want.
It's time for Americans to take back America.
Exhibit B:
I totally agree with you!

Exhibit C:
Well said! I couldn’t have said that better myself!

These? Are my neighbors.

Who Wants to Join my Residential Posse?

I shit you not. One of our sheriff's candidates in Eastwick wants to have residential posses. I would like for our readers to please tell us what role you would like in mine and Sukie's posse. Just for the record, I will be in charge of the night stick, and Sukie will be in charge of the pepper spray. We will need a golf cart driver.

On another note, my sides still hurt from laughing at Sarah Palin last night, so I will need a day or two before I post on the VP debates.

John McCain Hates Me (and probably you, too)

I think John McCain is a little stupid.

And apparently the feeling is mutual.

At a recent dinner for his hoity-toity (very wealthy) supporters, when questioned about his tax decreases (you know, the ones for his rich buddies), John McCain reportedly said, "People who make under $80,000 are too stupid to understand taxes anyway."

Now, I was fair; I said reportedly. But even if he didn't say it, he obviously believes it. After all, he keeps promising to give us a break on our taxes. Yet, he plans not to substantially decrease taxes for the 60% of tax payers (uh...that's most of us!) who make less than $66,354 a year. After all, we're too stupid to understand the fact that all his promises of decreased taxes will mostly benefit the rich folks (Yay for Brangelina! They'll really appreciate that extra cash in their pockets). He assumes that we're so stupid that every time he says that he plans to decrease taxes, we'll believe he means for us.

Well, I'm not that stupid, John Wayne McCain (unlike you, I did not graduate in the bottom 5 of my class--894 out of 899). I can see very clearly that unless I make over $111,000 a year, your tax breaks aren't going to help me--not one bit. PS: I really like how you plan to save our poorest citizens a mere $19 a year (that oughta buy what? one more package of diapers?). That's awesome. Me? That extra $319 will sure help out next year (or not even put a dent in my gas bill...).

But John Boy is counting on his belief that all those middle-class Republicans out there are stupid enough to believe he will cut them a break tax-wise.

I really hope they're not. Really.

FYI: John McCain doesn't know how many homes he owns. Wouldn't it be nice to be that rich?

The End of Titty Buffets

Sukie and I have to travel a lot for our jobs, so we burn up the highway and the airways. One of the major highways in our area has the BEST billboards. The billboards are for a place called Cafe Risque. It's a huge buffet and strip club. It offers a variety of services for truckers and the weary traveler. You can shower, eat, partake of nude women...and possibly men, and the list could go on. Well, the owner died not too long ago, and the city has officially bought the place. What was the first order of business, you ask? It was for the entire town to meet at Cafe Risque, rip all of the signs down, and have a bonfire. Hell yeah! Eastwick style! I could argue that Cafe Risque should be protected by freedom of speech, but I actually thought the place looked nasty. That's not the point, though. Wouldn't you imagine that this business paid an ass load of taxes? What does this mean for the city of Lavonia? Higher property taxes? Lavonia is not a big city, so it's not likely that another business with this kind of draw will move there. I could go on, but I'm just going to provide the link to the article. Enjoy!

Article

Republicans

To borrow from Queen,

Another one bites the dust,
Another one bites the dust,
And another one gone,
and another one gone,
Another one bites the dust

Hey! I'm gonna get you too!
Another one bites the dust...
Hooray!

History in the Making

Tonight, Barack Obama becomes the first African-American major party presidential candidate in the nation's history.

Now, we just have to wait for him to make it to the White House.

The Shrub in the South

George W. gave the commencement speech last night at Furman University located in Greenville, S.C. As you can imagine, it was a college divided. It was reported that around 30 faculty members chose to not attend because of W. It was also reported that 14 faculty members that did attend chose to have a silent protest by removing their robes and revealing t-shirts that said, "We object." My question is why would Furman want one of history's most unpopular presidents to speak at graduation? Regardless of your politics, you must admit that he is a horrible public speaker. If I had been a faculty member at Furman, I totally would have gone so I could pass snarky notes to Sukie and snort at my own hilarious self. ;) Some graduates, not sure on the number, chose not to march because he was speaking. BTW, his speech was about personal and fiscal responsibility. Ha! I really thought the media was fucking kidding, but no. I really hate that Eastwick is the cesspool of politics. At least we have great weather and a good farmer's market. :)

Eastwickeans and Traffic Laws

First, let me just get this out of my system. I FUCKING HATE THESE PEOPLE! Ok. I feel a little bit better now. Recently, there have been talks about stiffer fines for drivers who hit cyclists. Eastwick is not a friendly or safe place for these people. Mr. Bitchford is an avid cyclist and has been since he was very young. It scares him so bad here that he rarely rides anymore. That makes me sad. A story ran in the paper and here are some quotes from these fuckholes.

"The idea that stiffer fines for motorists involved in collisions with cyclists would increase safety or decrease accidents is rank stupidity. The people who are doing the bulk of the riding around here are Hobbyists who expect the world to roll over and the laws of physics to change because of their new toys."

"I enjoy riding my bike and my motorcycle too, but I don't hold up traffic on busy roads just "because I have a right to". I don't try to influence the direction of fast moving tanker trucks by giving hand signals or shoving my sweaty shiny spandex butt in the air."

"People, if you impede traffic and create dangerous situations with your hobby YOU will pay the price. Don't blame it on someone else. Face the reality and pull over, you might not break your record time but you will be helping the hobby for everyone."

Dude, wtf? I guess I take this personally because I fear that one day Mr. Bitchford will be hit on his bike. I would claw the motherfucker's eyes out who did that. I know it scares him because when he was young, he lost a friend in a bad cycling accident. Someone hit the guy, and it killed him. Mr. Bitchford has a bent bicycle wheel tattooed on him, but that is pretty much all he will say about that.

Why are people so fucking ignorant? Do they just not read the basic traffic manual?

Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Today we watched the California Supreme Court make one small step for California...

Let us only hope it proves to be a giant leap for Americans.

As California goes, may the nation also go.

Amen.

(Onward, noodly pirates!!)

Right...

Because we know it so well...
Fidiots.