Big New Cult

I opened up the morning paper today and out slid the Faith & Values section. Yes, I said the Faith & Values section. The entire front page of this section is dedicated to the Big New Church (I hereby dub it Big New Church because it needs a name, and Jessie has already vetoed McAnything).

At the top it provides an explanation--some background as to why this is such an important story (all names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent and/or stupid):

"In last Sunday's paper, Next to Eastwick University Professor Smart Man criticized the billboard advertising campaign of Big New Church, and the article generated many comments, both pro and con, from readers. The Eastwick News offered Big New Church pastor Jim Jones an opportunity to respond to Mr. Smart Man's essay, but the offer was declined."

In light of Alexandra's research, which indicates Pastor Jones refuses to speak to anyone outside the congregation, this isn't surprising. We've learned he delegates all communication and ministry outside the actual rock concert that is his sermon to assistant pastors, secretaries, etc, letting members of his brain-washed flock speak for him. But this time, not even a lowly congregation member offered to go on record to defend the church's aggressive and controversial big money recruitment strategy. Not one.

I kind of wish Alex and I were heading over there this morning--I'm sure the sermon will be interesting. There's nothing like a little perceived persecution to help strengthen the brainwashing of a cult.

Another picture for fun...I call this Church of Rock with a Really Cool and Expensive Sports Car on the Big Expensive Stage--think that's Pastor Jones' car??

Little Boxes on the Hillside...

Here's a little more information to share about the church experiment. Below you will find the first email I sent and the response from the Follow-up Coordinator.


Me: "A friend of mine is a member of your congregation, and she recently suggested I check out your website or come for a visit. I was hoping to get in contact with Jim. I recently read a blog entry of his, and I would like to find out some more information. Thank you for any and all help."


Coordinator/Cult-leader assistant: "Thank you for your email. I would love to answer any questions that you have. With a larger church it is impossible for Jim to handle all of the email. We try to help him out with that. So let me know how we can help you!! God Bless and have a great day."


Ok. She was pretty nice. She spelled my name wrong in the email, and it is NOT a hard name. Whatever, though. I wasn't giving up. I had never heard of a church where you couldn't meet the pastor. So, being the sneaky bitch I am, I tried again.


Me: "Thanks for the fast response. If I attend a Sunday service, will it be possible to meet Jim? My friend had invited me to Easter service, and I was unable to come. I'm new to the area, and my husband and I have been looking for a church to join."


Coordinator/Cult-leader assistant: "I am sorry Jim is not going to be able to meet with you. He does not meet personally with anyone. If you would like more information, I can mail you an informational packet."


Maybe I'm just out of the religious circle, but is this normal? Shouldn't people be a little more friendly and open to others visiting their church? Yes, I lied. I'm not new to the area, and Mr. Bitchford and I are NOT looking for a church to join. We'll keep you guys updated. Our plan right now is to try and visit it in two or three weeks. Below you will find a picture of a service. And, yes, I know it looks like a rock concert. Amazing.

A New Kind of Wine-in-a-Box

While shopping in a store here in Eastwick yesterday, Alexandra and I came across something quite interesting: mini-boxed wine. It's like juice boxes--of wine.

On a business trip this summer, Mr. Vomit announced to all of us colleagues that he regularly drinks red wine from a straw--inserted straight into the bottle--at home--alone on his couch.

Alexandra and I contemplated purchasing the wine juice boxes as a congratulatory gift for him. We'd take it to his office with a post-it: Congrats!

We'd have done it, too. Except the joke (or Mr. Vomit) didn't seem worth the $7.99 it costs to purchase two mini-wine boxes.

NaBloPomo

Did you know November is National Blog Posting Month?

In the spirit of the month, you're supposed to try to post at least one entry a day for every day in November.

Between the two of us, I'm sure Alex and I can do it.

Let's see...

PS: Blog commenters, I turned off the comment moderation thing. It was an accident. You can stop calling to complain now.

The Sukie and Alex Experiment

We have several giant McChurches in Eastwick. I'll just get straight to the point. These places freak me out. I grew up in a Baptist church. It was fairly basic. You came to service on Sunday morning, you brought your covered dish for lunch, and then you ate lunch with all of your friends. The youth group would do some community service, and then we would go on our annual trip together. These new churches don't seem to operate like that. I've been doing a little research on our biggest one. I emailed the membership committee. YES, I said membership committee. You have to take a class, pass the test, and then review the membership contract before becoming a member. I'm not sure if it costs anything or not. I forgot to ask. This place also has TWO ATM machines in the lobby (which looks more like a civic center). Apparently the preacher/pastor does some crazy shit. He has been known to fly through the air in a harness and wear t-shirts that say things like, "God is watching you download that porn!" I dove a little deeper into my research and decided I needed to meet this man. I called, and I was told that NO ONE sees him. The robot lady offered to set up an appointment with one of the assistant pastors. I then asked why I could not see him. She told me that he didn't have time to speak to just everyone. I guess I'm not one of God's worthy children. Before anyone gets offended, remember that I am talking about this one church in particular. Yes, all of the McChurches make me weary, but I am only bashing the one I have some experience with. And, yes, I'm going to attend service to see for myself. So, this brings me back to our experiment. Sukie and I are going to church! We're even thinking of running down front, waving our arms, and begging to be saved. I've been told that this happens every Sunday. I'm curious about where they take you. I bet I'll have to hand over a credit card first. Hmmm. Expect an update within the next few weeks.

Sigh...

Mr. Vomit stole my idea...
and got a raise...
and a promotion...
and a shiny award from the big, big, BIG bossman.

I don't really want a raise, a promotion, or a shiny award.

But I really hate thieves.

That is all.

Questions

Who decided that giant inflatable yard decorations are cool?

Why did all my neighbors have to jump on the bandwagon?

Now that Halloween's past, should I expect the pumpkins to be be replaced by giant undulating turkey blow-ups?

Christmas will be even worse, won't it?