Funny Work Excuses

I know you all MUST have some funny work excuses...or at least have heard some. This is my favorite so far. My sister's secretary had her fiance call in for her today. He said that his fiance's lack of a gall bladder was causing her pain, and she would not be in today. Ha!

Do You Know Your Neighbors?

I think we may have a grow house in our neighborhood. For those of you who do not know, a grow house is when a property is used in the illegal cultivation of marijuana. These people moved in a few months back. There are people coming and going at all hours of the day. No one seems to have a steady schedule. The blinds are ALWAYS closed, and the windows on this particular house happen to be really small and placed higher up on the home. It's a 1960's style house. There is also a dark blue van with no windows. Could this be how they sneak in the seedlings? Hmmm. I remember a few years back that there was a huge problem in Canada with grow houses. I live in a middle class neighborhood, so this would be a good cover. Maybe these people just work odd shifts, and I should stop watching too much Weeds.

Anybody but Huckabee, PLEASE!

As I prepare to sit down and watch the caucuses tonight, I am compelled (in part because Alexandra told me to) to share with you an adaptation of a post I wrote for my other blog.

...I cannot believe how much support Mike Huckabee has gotten lately. This man terrifies me. If he becomes president of the US, I really may have to consider moving to France. Seriously. Among the reasons he frightens me so is his steadfast religious faith. Sure, it's good for some things, but not for the leader of my country--unless of course my faith and his faith are one in the same in which case I guess I might think it alright (though I'm not really sure of that either). For after all, Mike Huckabee readily admits on his website that his faith "is my life - it defines me. I don't separate my faith from my personal and professional lives." Further, he explains that his faith "doesn't influence my decisions, it drives them."

I believe quite strongly in the separation between church and state. I believe the leader of the US has to be willing to put aside his personal religious conviction in order to do what is best for the country as a whole--to do what is best for all the citizens of this country. Mike Huckabee has illustrated an unwillingness or inability to do that. That's why as governor of Arkansas he granted clemency and/or leniency (earning him the nickname King Clemency) to criminals who claimed to have "found God," or who were recommended to him by a pastor or close friend, calling into question whether his inability to separate his personal and professional lives isn't a bit detrimental to society. It was certainly traumatic for Ashley Stevens and detrimental to 39-year-old Carol Shields. After all, when he released Stevens' rapist, the man attacked Carol Shields and possibly raped and killed a pregnant woman, too. According to Huckabee, faith "makes us less judgmental, as we see others with the same frailties we have." Again--that's all well and good--until you're applying that faith to, say, rapists and murderers, as Huckabee did in Arkansas. Now, imagine this man with the power of a presidency. ~~shiver~~

But Huckabee's willingness to forgive as if he is God isn't the only scary thing about him. What also scares me about Mike Huckabee is his stance on marriage: "...nothing in our society matters more. Our true strength doesn't come from our military or our gross national product, it comes from our families." Well, gee, thanks Mikey-boy, I guess I'm totally irrelevant, huh? Perhaps I don't matter??? Not only does he staunchly oppose same-sex marriage, supporting the discrimination of an entire group of people and relegating them to second-class citizenship, but he also supports covenant marriage over regular, plain-jane marriage. He got Arkansas to be only the 3rd state to adopt covenant marriages, and brags on his website that "Today, many churches in Arkansas will perform only covenant marriages." Covenant marriage, in case you're wondering, is like a super marriage that makes it incredibly difficult to get a divorce--basically you can get a divorce only if your partner commits adultery, a felony, or abuses you. Unfortunately, it's often difficult to provide enough evidence to support claims of abuse (particularly mental or sexual abuse which often don't leave marks for photos or have witnesses). Now, I get that cutting down on no-fault divorce could be a great thing, but I think it's stupid to try to force people to commit to marriages which may leave them stuck in unhappy, unfulfilling, and potentially abusive relationships. Furthermore, adoption of covenant marriages by government effectively legalizes a religious view of marriage. And as I've said before, marriage does not have to be religious. If it did, I couldn't go down the street and get married by the Justice of the Peace or the Magistrate...or any willy-nilly person certified via Internet to conduct marriages. This is another reason why the separation of church and state is so important. Imagine a world in which covenant marriages are supported by the federal government. What if that became the only way to get married? I, for one, would definitely not get married. Certainly, people should be given the choice. Right now, you have the choice to marry in a church, and I have the choice to go to the county judge. I don't need a priest or a preacher or a pastor or whatever you might have--and I don't have to have one. A legal marriage and a religious marriage are two entirely different things (you can have both if you like)--and they should stay that way--which is why Mike Huckabee's opposition to same-sex marriage angers me. His position is this:

I support and have always supported passage of a federal constitutional amendment that defines marriage as a union between one man and one woman. As President, I will fight for passage of this amendment. My personal belief is that marriage is between one man and one woman, for life.

Oh, so 'cause it's your personal belief, it should be law? What kind of argument is that? No kind--it has no basis. And if that's the basis he makes for supporting legislation or not, then I don't think he needs to be president. The government has no right to outlaw marriage for some people--there is no legal reason to do so...and it is a legal matter. If churches don't want to marry homosexuals, then that's their prerogative--not the government's, not Mike Huckabee's.

His stance on abortion is equally frightening, albeit predictable:

I'll veto any pro-abortion legislation they pass. I will staff all relevant positions with pro-life appointees. I will use the Bully Pulpit to change hearts and minds, to move this country from a culture of death to a culture of life. I have no desire to throw women in jail, I just want us to stop throwing babies in the garbage.

The man aims to change our "hearts and minds" as he uses the White House as his own personal pulpit from which to preach...and he tells us that upfront--but enough about that particular issue--since most people either just agree wholeheartedly with him or not...I won't bore you with why I am pro-choice. But I will point again to a time when ole Huck was governor of Arkansas and he used his power to intervene in the life of a 15 y/o retarded pregnant girl who'd been raped by her step-father on a camping trip. He blocked the Medicaid payment for her abortion--despite the fact that a federal law provided for that payment (allowing rape victims abortions). Even though a federal judge ordered the payment to be made, Huck said no, jeopardizing Medicaid funding to his state because he is so staunchly pro-life.

Other disturbing things about Mike:

• He's a member of a band called Capitol Offense.
• He touts Chuck Norris as a "true American hero" and uses the actor to support his campaign.
• He purports to run a clean campaign, but he created an anti-Romney ad, but released it only to the press, telling them he'd decided to take the high road and not run it after all--hypocrite!
• He says that, as President, he'd bomb Iran "in a heartbeat" without going through Congress.

Iowanna Caucus!

Mr. Bitchford and I are ready tonight. We've got a good spread to munch on while we watch the Iowa caucus. I hope our readers are watching this tonight. My predictions are Edwards for the Dems and Huckabee for the Republicans. I don't really have any rhyme or reason for these predictions. It's just what keeps popping into my head. More than likely it will be Obama and Romney, but we'll see. Now I've got to decide who to vote for in our primary. Dennis Kucinich is the candidate who best represents my views, but he has no chance of winning. Now I've got to figure out if I want my vote "to count" or if I want to go with my gut. Hmmm. Is anyone else excited???

Don't Lynch Me, Bro!

I was standing in line to checkout at the Bloom the other day when a curious thing happened. The checkout girl stopped scanning the merchandise, turned from the door where she'd been looking, and said to the bag boy, "That woman just walked in, grabbed a banana and walked out!" As she turns back to scanning my things, she says, "You wouldn't believe the things we see people try to take outta here without paying."

Apparently, she wasn't exaggerating because when I picked up the newspaper yesterday, I was confronted with this headline: "Shoplifter Accuses Employees of Lynching." Naturally, I had to read on. According to the article, this guy went into the local Ingles, grabbed himself a soda and a snack (totaling $3.27) and headed to the bathroom, where he ate his snack and drank his drink. Then, when the Ingles employees confronted him, he ran away because the store employees were "trying to lynch him." When officers arrived on the scene, he continued this storyline, insisting that the two Ingles clerks were trying to lynch him.

Now, the Eastwick News couldn't just stop there; they had to elaborate on the situation--as if there were some small possibility that the Ingles clerks were in fact trying to lynch a man in broad daylight in the middle of the store--by providing the definition of lynching:

"In Stupid State, the legal standard for lynching is met when two or more people engage in an act of premeditated violence."

Thanks for clearing that up, people, because I really was concerned that Ingles is the secret cover agency of the KKK and that they are actively lynching customers--not just trying to reduce shoplifting or make people pay for merchandise.

PS: This is why I shop across town at the Bloom or Publix--even though the Ingles is right down the street. Yes, I'm a grocery store snob.

Inappropriate Touching?

(Those are cat whiskers. The cat loves a camera.)
I tripped and fell on New Year's Eve, and I really fucked up my ankle. It's giant and blue, and it hurts. I went to the doctor this morning, so I could get a second opinion. I've always really liked my doctor, and I never mind going to this place. So, he comes in, and I have to take my sock off. He looks at my ankle, and he starts applying pressure and turning it. It hurts, and he starts asking me questions. He then starts to lift my pant leg and massaged my calf. I found this weird. My calf didn't hurt. I didn't injure my calf. It was the first time that I've ever felt "weird" at the doctor's office. He kept massaging while he was talking to me. Weird, weird, weird. He gave me my orders to keep off of the ankle and wrap it tight. I've never been so glad to have hairy legs. If I had had smooth legs, I might have had to leave. I'm sure he was just checking out my injury, but it still felt very strange. Any similar stories out there?

Big New Church Ad on Facebook

"i used to be addicted to satan! but i heard about this anti-drug called big new church. it really works. and the best part is that there are no after tastes or bad side effects. thanks big new church!"

Wow! I'm waiting on Big New Church political ads to start running. I have no doubt that Big New Church will endorse a candidate every Sunday.