Eastwick Goes International

I took one of my dogs on a walk this morning, and we ran into Isabella Rossellini. We were strolling by a neighbor's house, and I heard something singing to me. Yes, singing. I looked over, and I saw what appeared to be a small rat in a handmade dog sweater. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the rat looked an awful lot like my dog. We walked even closer, and I noticed that the neighbor was in his yard. I asked if we could come closer, and he said sure. Turns out that he has a dog very similar to mine, and her name is Isabella Rossellini. Here's a pic that is very similar to the dog.

We get closer, and of course my bat shit crazy dog wants to start growling and spitting. She's normally very nice and friendly, but it's the first time she's ever encountered something that was smaller than her. I'm assuming this is the same shame that parents feel when their kid decides to sock another one right in the face for no reason. In my defense, I adopted her because she had very little time left at the shelter. No one had come to visit her, and she just wasn't that pretty. Of course, she was terribly sweet, and it turns out that she's also very loyal. Anyway, I really thought that we had met a little friend, and a famous one at that, but we did not. My dog wasn't having it, so we left little Isabella behind.

Here's a pic of my sweet puppy and some info about her.

Hair: barely any

Teeth: really fucked up, but cute

Eyes: bulging

Hobbies: tearing the stuffing out of toys, dominating the other dog by humping him, and licking her bean like she's Jenna Jameson in a porn film

We Are Family

I saw this article in my morning troll of news websites, and I thought I would share.

Article

At first it just made me giggle a little, but then I really thought about the situation. Why would not being invited send you into a fit of rage? If you pulled your own sister's hair out, then you had to be in a fit of rage. Does rejection really affect people in this way? I continued searching, and I ran across this article.

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WTF? She breaks up with you, so you stab her to get your breast implants back. This is not logical thinking. I can't think of a time that rejection sent me over the edge like this. I did pee in my ex-husband's shampoo bottle one time. That was because I was tired of him yelling at me about money, when I was the one making it all. So, that was about revenge. Oh, and I racked him in the balls right after I told him to move out of my house, and he told me to make him. I was just following through with his request. I think I get it from my mother. When I was a tween, a local neighborhood teenager ran over our cat...on purpose. We know this because he came up to me and said, "Hey. I ran over your cat last night on purpose." He laughed. His father was meticulous about his grass. My mother knew this, so she collected me and a friend and started to concoct her plan. She bought several boxes of Tide laundry detergent on an evening we were expecting rain. She drove me and the friend to this man's house, and we dumped the detergent all over the really nice landscaped lawn. Then, it rained. Boy, did it rain! There were suds all over the place, plus it killed his grass. See what you get, when you run over my mom's cat, motherfucker!

So, does anyone have any good revenge stories to tell...or perhaps rejection stories???

Weight Watchers Bitches

I went to the information session for Weight Watchers at Work. Our company has many divisions, so it's hard to know everyone who works there. There were several ladies that I only knew by name. I walked in, and three of them loudly exclaimed, "Oh God! Why are you here?" I was caught off guard and a little embarrassed. They continued with, "I hate it when people show up who don't need to lose any weight." Now, I'm not as heavy as some of these ladies were, but I'm not rail thin either. Plus, weight is a sensitive subject. I didn't understand why they would be such snarky bitches. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I got up and put my coat on. The facilitator asked if I was leaving. Yeah, what clued you in? The fact that Twinkie, Ding-Dong, and Ho-Ho over there made my face turn three shades of red? The entire room gave me a bad vibe. There was one other woman there, who is a lifetime member. She's already lost her weight, but she wanted to attend the meetings for continued motivation. They were tearing her apart too. I think I'm going to join online. A friend of mine is a member online, and I think we could be each other's weight therapy counselor. ;)

R.I.P. Updike

A friend sent me this today. Obviously, The Bitches blog is based off of The Witches of Eastwick. Here's a link detailing his career.

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“Updike's ‘The Witches of Eastwick,’ released in 1984, was later made into a film of the same name starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon.”

Self-esteem Issues

I think I have self-esteem issues. When I get ready for work in the mornings, I take one last look at myself before I leave. I think to myself, "Damn. I look good." I love the way my pencil skirt hugs my bootylicious, round ass. I like the way my secretary sweater set clings to my ample bosom. My hair is pretty and shiny. It's also very stylish and suits my small-shaped face. My eyes are the perfect shade of blue, and it takes very little eye shadow to highlight them. My teeth are straight and white, complete with a mega-watt smile. So, what's the problem? My high self-esteem has kept me from admitting that I should lose the 20 lbs. I've put on since meeting Mr. Bitchford!

I'm thinking of joining Weight Watchers. The idea of joining a group to talk about my weight and eating issues is scary. I don't want anyone to know that I have baked potatoes and Diet Coke for breakfast. I don't want anyone to know that dinner is sometimes a bag of Baked Lays cheddar and sour cream chips. Baked because I like those better than the greasy ones...not because I think they are better for me. I do need to eat more fruits and veggies. I'm getting older, and this diet of mine is going to catch up with me. I'm not overweight by any means, but I could stand to tone up and eat better. If I keep ignoring my eating habits, I will be overweight. So, should I join the group and see how it goes? Or...should I join the online version and skulk around on the message boards. I bet it would make for good blog material. :)

Scenario

I need your help. Let's say that you just connected with an old friend through Facebook. The friend constantly talks about drinking too much red wine and passing out or just being hungover. The friend's profile photos always make her look like she's drunk and is not really eating much. What do you say?

"Hi. Are you drunk in that photo?"

"I'm really worried about you. You look thin and a tad too relaxed in that photo."

Seriously, what do you say someone? Do you just leave them alone?

Productivity is my Foreplay

I had the worst day at work today. It just seemed like no one wanted to do what they were supposed to do...all at once. I just bitched the entire way home, and I know it had to wear on Sukie's nerves. Oh well, sometimes you just gotta bitch. To top it all off, my engine light popped on. Fuck!

I came in, and I started to pick things up. When I'm upset, I gather. I want everything to be in a nice, neat, and dust-free place. Then, I started loading the dishwasher. Once the dishes were out of the sink, I realized how dirty it was. Must clean the sink! I gave the dogs more water, and I realized their bowls were dirty. Must wash dog bowls! I went to the bedroom (by this time, Mr. Bitchford was just following me and observing), and I started to strip the sheets off of the bed. I had to have clean sheets. I couldn't sleep on dirty sheets and be pissed off. I finished all of this productivity off with some vacuuming.

It felt wonderful, and I felt like I had released most of my stress from my day. Am I weird? Perhaps I have stumbled upon my next career. A Merry Maid!