Culture Shock

What has happened to our culture? Has MySpace and text messaging taken over the world? I guess you could say the same about blogging, but I think that is different. Blogging is like an old school journal to me. I was doing a little research this evening and cruising around MySpace. I was amazed by so many things. First of all, I studied web design in college, so the plethora of design mistakes literally burned my retinas. Aside from that, most of the people seemed sort of sad and simple. Each person seemed to want someone, no matter who it was, to talk to them. It then started to make me question how much things like MySpace and text messaging have changed the English language. I never see apostrophes anymore. Commas are obsolete. Don't even think about capitalization. What gives? I've been told that I just expect too much out of people and that grammar is dead. Is this true? If it is, don't you think we will pay a price for that? One more thing before I end my questioning. Does it amaze anyone else that MySpace accounts have found themselves in courtrooms used as evidence in murder cases? Just a few things to think about.

Wisdom from a 7-year old

A friend of mine's little girl is a spitfire. She kept getting in trouble for being very truthful with the other children. If she thought another child farted, she would call them out for it. If she didn't like what another little girl said, she would roll her eyes and set the bitch straight. My favorite episode is a recent one. Her mom has been on her to stop acting like this. Apparently, there is a little girl named Hayden, and she does not like her. She borrowed a pencil from Hayden today, and she decided to write her a note. It read as follows:
Dear Hayden,
I hate you, but thanks for the pencil.

I love it!

Top Ten Things Women in the Workplace Should Know

10. We'll never be truly appreciated for what we bring to the table
9. A wrap dress and strappy sandals can take you far (which is probably what's wrong with #10)
8. Rarely should you trust the other vixens you work with (most will be gossiping about you the second you walk away)
7. Sleep with NO ONE you work with (male or female)
6. Don't let anyone see you refreshing your lipstick (it's all down hill after that)
5. No matter how "safe" it feels, do NOT discuss the different prescriptions you take in order to continuing performing at your shitty job (the other vixens will use it against you)
4. No strapless garments. Need I say more?
3. Go ahead and be brutal. They'll call you a bitch anyway, so you might as well earn that damn title.
2. Be aware that your male higher ups want the problem fixed. They do not want to talk about it. Just fix it and never tell them.
1. Email is forever. Think before you press send. (This tip is for all people in the workplace...and in life)

Tuesday: See You At The Pole

Apparently today was "See you at the pole" day. If you do not know, this is when crazy Eastwickeans (and I imagine others) gather around a flag pole to pray. First of all, the name makes me giggle. Yes, I'm aware that that also makes me a bit mean and immature. Am I gonna see you at the pole to watch a stripper dance? Or maybe I'll see you at the "pole" is sexual? I'm just confused because don't people get to go to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and (in some regions) on Wednesday nights? How is this different? Is it a recruiting tool? If so, then it's not very enticing. How about "See You at the Bank Where We Will Pass Out Cold, Hard Cash for Those Who Pray" or "See You at the Buffet Where Those With The Best Prayers Will Get Dessert for Free." This would be SO effective in Eastwick. I'm just not buying this whole marketing scheme. If God is up there floating around, I bet he's pissed. You people should really be able to do better than this. I know I've been a little brutal here, but it is because of Eastwick. I'm ok with a live and let live kind of life. It doesn't happen here. You either join them, or you will pay. Needless to say, I wasn't at a fuckin' pole today.

Cranky Cal and Me

I sat in a 2 1/2 hour presentation today, and it is a miracle that I didn’t shoot one of my colleagues. Do you have one of those co-workers who seems to like to argue with EVERything—just for the sake of arguing? Yeah, me too. And he was there.

Basically, our company paid to bring in these people to talk about some new software the company is interested in purchasing, software that could simplify our jobs. The purpose of the presentation was to see if employees think this particular software is worth the investment.

Before the first presenter can even get ¼ of the way through her presentation, this guy (heretofore known as Cranky Cal) starts belligerently badgering her: “Why should we pay for software to do these functions when we can do them ourselves?” “But why should we pay for software?” “How will this software accomplish anything my head can’t?” He won't even give her a chance to answer, interrupting her with questions that don't even have answers! And on and on and on…for thirty freaking minutes until the BIG, Big man in charge (my boss’s boss’s boss) had to make him shut the hell up. Thus, the freaking meeting lasted an extra thirty minutes.

It’s simple: these people created a computer program which simplifies a number of processes we have to do. In doing so, they have created a way for us to do our jobs better and accomplish more in a shorter period of time. I have one answer to all Cranky Cal’s questions: “To save time and energy, you freaking moron!”

Plus, the company is willing to pay for it. It’s not like it’s coming out of our pockets. They’re going to buy something: the question is only what.

Furthermore, we were provided with a feedback sheet to turn in at the end of the meeting. I diligently recorded my thoughts and opinions (complete with actual explanations and logical reasoning) all throughout the presentation, so my opinion would be considered by the higher-ups. That’s the point of the feedback sheet. Do you really have to keep us all from getting home in time for dinner just because you don’t get the point? Write it on the G-D sheet and turn it in like the rest of us. Shut the hell up, so we can go home.

And Cranky Cal does this in every meeting we’re in together (unfortunately a lot). If I don’t kill him before he retires, it will be a miracle sent straight from FSM.

A Monday Morning

I should have just stayed in the bed. I felt like shit all day yesterday, so I decided that taking some of my favorite nerve pills and washing them down with martinis would be a good idea. I felt like I had created a new drink. One nerve pill + one martini= The Judy Garland. Ha! Or should it be The Janis Joplin? Or The Marilyn Monroe? I'm so glad I can amuse myself. Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning still feeling like shit. I put on my work clothes, which consists of the same old boring blouse and naughty secretary (pencil skirt) skirt. That's when I realized that I had my own weapon at work. My boobs are so big that I really shouldn't wear button down blouses. It's like having my own buckshot to aim at people who annoy me. That's when I decided that even though I had a kicky new hair do, I just couldn't drag myself in today. So, my question is why do people take off of work sick and still end up answering an ass of emails all day? I hate technology.

38% of Americans are RUDE friends...

I was waiting for the season premiere of Cold Case to come on last night, so I tuned into Power of Ten, which comes on before it. This woman was asked the following question: "What percentage of Americans said that if their friend's newborn was ugly, they'd still tell the friend the baby was beautiful?"

Wanna know the answer? 62%. WTF?? Who are these 38% of Americans who wouldn't lie to spare a friend's feelings? Who are these 38% of Americans who would say, "Seriously, Alexandra, your kid is SO not cute!"???

Now: I'm not a baby person. I don't really like 'em that much. But when people show me theirs, I usually manage to squeeze out a halfway sincere, "Oh, he's so cute!" whether he's fugly or actually cute.

I thought that's what most people do. Who says, "Wow--he's kind of a dog, isn't he?" Seriously--who says this? Where are these 38% of Americans living?

Must be Yankees... ;-)