Drugs or No Drugs?

I had to go to the doctor today because I've been having a lot of stress headaches and minor panic attacks. I really didn't want to get any drugs, so I set up a schedule. I go to bed at a decent time and at the same time every night. I get up at 6:00, and I exercise for about 45 minutes. It starts my day out right. I've also been trying to eat smaller meals, but more of them. I don't think I was drinking enough water either. So, after three weeks of my schedule, I'm feeling much better. I went to the doctor anyway because I had the appointment. I told him my new plan and how it was working. He stared at me blankly and told me he was going to prescribe a stress care package for me. He gave me a prescription for something that slows your heart rate down and for Xanax. Wow! As I was leaving, he says, "I prescribe that package to all of my attorneys and executives. Congratulations! You're moving up in the world." WTF? I thought he would praise me for trying to control my symptoms with something other than drugs. Nope. I told a friend at work about it, and she said, "Well now maybe you will stop calling strange women in cars and stop locking Mr. Fratastic out of the meetings." Mr. Fratastic is new to our workplace. He wears a bow tie every day. Need I say more about the name. He also tried to show up late to my meetings, so I started locking the door. Sucka! I digress. I thought about what she said, and here is my response. I like my edge I have. It makes me who I am. My stress management techniques consist of chasing cars and locking bitches out. I think I'll stick with my exercises and routine. Anyone have suggestions?

Damn, Patricia!

I was on my way home today, and I was feeling a little stressed. I decided to take the back way home and go around the lake. No one ever goes that way. I'm cruising along and listening to some Dolly Parton. I was just chillin'. Then it happened. This woman pulled out in front of me and wouldn't go. She was on her phone. I don't mean she was annoying. I mean she was driving 20 in a 35 zone. She would cross the bridges over the lake and slow down to 10 mph. Bitch was pissing me off. I noticed an ad on her car window. It was a big Avon sign with a phone number. I'd had enough. *I called it! She answered! "Hi. This is Patricia." I said, "Well, Patricia, you pulled out in front of me, and now you won't even do the speed limit. I've had a stressful day and would appreciate it if you could move the fuck on." She slowed down again, and she looked in her rear view mirror. I waved. She took off doing about 60 mph. I continued my relaxing drive home while listening to Dolly's sweet voice.

*I realized that this story sounded a little crazy, so I saved Patricia's number in my phone. When I got home, I showed it to Mr. Bitchford and suggested he call her. He wouldn't do it, but he did believe me!

Barack Obama: The Bitches Believe!!!!

Sukie and I had a chance to watch history being made the other night. We went to an Obama rally, and it rocked! I got chills listening to him speak and at one point, he moved me to tears...in a good way. I was sitting there surrounded by people who all believe we need a change and that we can change. There were black, white, Asian, and Latino faces. None of us knew each other, but we were all smiling and screaming. For that one moment, we had all come together for a common cause. I haven't felt like that for the past eight years of the Bush administration. I've felt divided from everyone. I've felt helpless. I've felt defeated. Not anymore! YES WE CAN! Get involved in your political process, ya'll. You don't want to miss out on this.

Knits for Cash Campaign

Check out http://davidsdoll101.blogspot.com/! Jessie makes beautiful hand-knit goods and at reasonable prices. It's even freezing in Eastwick this morning, so make sure you have your scarf and hat ready!

The Eastwickean Way

I know you all have heard that Heath Ledger died. He was so young and such a good actor. The first thing I thought about when I heard the news was his young daughter. She'll probably barely remember him. It's sad. Eastwickeans do not have the same thought process that normal people do, though. A handful of local *religious nuts have gotten together to protest Heath Ledger's funeral. You all know what is coming next. Because he portrayed a gay character in Brokeback Mountain, these nut jobs are going to protest his funeral. It gets better. They're going to do this from Eastwick. Eastwick ain't nowhere (sorry...I had to get my Eastwickean accent on) NEAR where the funeral will be! OMG! WTF! This is a man that they don't even know. He has a family who is trying to mourn him. What is wrong with people?

*I'm using the word religious because that is how they described themselves. I don't agree.

If You Pray, God Will Give You Anything You Want!

Did you know this? Well, here is the proof. I received this in the mail the other day. It came straight from God's handlers.



I've thought about logging on and testing this out. I could pray for an A on my first paper that will be due soon. I could pray for time to stop, so I would be able to get caught up on all of my work. I could pray for a fucking flying car, so that I wouldn't have to endure the 2.5 hour drive to the university every other Friday. I could pray for the sterilization of the stupid, backwards Eastwickeans (mainly the cell phone talking while driving with children in the car soccer moms). I would say no offense, but it's offensive. Oh well. Ooooh. I could pray that my bikini line would stay magically waxed without all of the pain.
WTF? Do people really believe this bullshit? Has anyone else received something like this in the mail? Do tell.

The Nature Boy and The Bee

You guys know how Sukie and I feel about Mike Huckabee. He's a scary motherfucker. His message is frightening, yet it sounds so good coming out of his mouth. He's a great speaker, but I guess that comes from being a Baptist preacher. I've heard people say they find it odd that he is traveling with Chuck Norris and Ric Flair as endorsers of his campaign. It's pure genius! Eastwickeans love them some wrastlin'. Who doesn't remember Ric Flair's fluffy, cotton candy mullet? Mmmmm. Although, he ain't exactly looking like he used to...

My point is that while I don't think Huckabee will win his party's nomination, who is to say that someone won't drag him along as the VP. How can the evangelical vote support a man who essentially turned his back on God's calling for him? I don't believe in that stuff, but clearly these people do. To top it all off, Mike Huckabee has forced me to find a new seamstress. I went to pick up my pants last week, and the woman had Huckabee signs plastered all over the joint...inside and out. I sucked in my opinion, and I entered the gates of hell to get my pants. She actually offered me a bumper sticker! That was my line in the sand, and the bitch crossed it. Anyone know a good seamstress??? :(