After the Storm Settles

It's no big secret that I've been married before, and it didn't work out. I've been divorced for awhile now, and my mom has started bugging me to get my wedding dress out of her house. I have no clue what to do with it. First of all, it's a beautiful dress. I wish I could dye it black (my favorite color) and wear it out on the town. The other problem is that it is tiny. Yes, I was a tiny bride, but I was also sustaining myself on vodka martinis and cigarettes because I was so depressed. Lovely, huh? The dress doesn't make me cry, and it doesn't really hold any memories for me. I've thought of having a giveaway on the blog for kicks. Sukie thinks I should sell it. My other problem is my wedding ring. It has a beautiful diamond, but again, I just don't know what to do with it. Mr. Bitchford thinks I should just make another piece of jewelry out of it, but it just sits in my dresser drawer. I went to sell it once, but it was so pretty that I didn't want to part with it. My final post divorce problem is the pictures. This is kind of funny because my wedding album is still on our bookshelf. :) I love that Mr. Bitchford could give two shits that it is still around. Honestly, most of the photos are of me and my friends and family. We had a good time that day! I don't really feel right throwing them away. Suggestions?

The Yeti

It's official. Sukie and I work with a yeti. For those of you who may not know what a yeti is, I have provided a photo.

The guy is disgusting. He has a beard that is scraggly and down to his chest. I'm not really sure what kind of statement he is trying to make. I sit in meetings and watch to see if crumbs or spiders are going to crawl out of it. I sometimes ask him if I can borrow a pen just to see if he pulls it out of the nastiness. Ewww! I could probably deal with it if he would braid it or something. I sat next to him in a meeting today, and I swear I heard something whisper, "Help me." I'm convinced that whatever is living in his beard was asking me for help. Should I tell him that he is no longer 20 nor does he live in a frat house, so the beard must go?

Paula Deen is a Bawdy Broad

Alas, my beloved's heart has been stolen. Well, at least a piece of it has. Mr. Bitchford has a crush on Paula Deen. At first, I thought it was innocent. I mean, who wouldn't want a squishy woman who smells of butter? I walked through the den the other night, and I heard strange noises coming from the couch. I stand and listen. It's the sound of Mr. Bitchford saying things like, "Mmmmm. Oh yes, Paula. Mmmhmmm. More, more, more butter!" I go in there, and I notice that he instantly blushes and turns his eyes to the floor. I asked, "What are you doing?" He responds, "Nothing." Hmph! I know he was thinking of burying his face in her ample bosom while sampling her buttery nutty bars or maybe her bannana cream pie! Bitch! I can't compete. I do NOT cook. I like to buy pretty aprons and vintage kitchen tchotkes, but that is where my love affair with the kitchen ends. I briefly thought of wedging my way in on Mr. Bitchford and Paula's love affair, but I changed my mind. At least he doesn't have the hots for a skank like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. So, for now, the score stands with Paula 1 and Alexandra 0, but I'll come back. I always win, Paula!

Titty McHighbeams

Sukie and I work with a woman who is really sweet, and she tends to be a little clueless. I call her Titty McHighbeams. Titty is incredibly short, but she has ginormous hooters. On top of them being giant, she has huge nipples that are erect ALL OF THE TIME! She is one of our trainers, so we spend a good bit of time sitting in front of her and being made to stare at the giant hooters. Her erect (size of teacup saucer) nipples just follow you around the room like eyeballs. I went on a business trip with her awhile back. She was a ton 'o fun because she knows all of the water cooler gossip and likes to share. We went out for drinks together, along with her McHighbeams, and we got pretty lit. We walked back to our hotel, and I noticed that Titty was totally snockered. She lifted up her cute shift dress and pressed the elevator button with her spike heel. There was a problem. She didn't have any panties on. Now I had seen Titty's snatch, and I thought that this would be a good time to ask her if her boobs were fake. I said, "Titty, now that I have seen your vagina, I think it is appropriate for me to ask if your boobs are fake? I ask because your nipples are giant, and they just stare at me ALL of the freakin' time." She giggles and says, "No. It's the McHighbeam curse. I have giant boobs and nipples. They just stay hard all of the time." We stand in awkward silence for a moment because we notice that there is another woman on the elevator. Oops! We get off of the elevator, and Titty flashes me. She giggles and stumbles off to her room. So, now when I am in a training session with Titty, I feel like it is appropriate for me to ask her to put them on low beam, please.

Texas Debates by Sukie

Pretty mild overall...Clinton tried to get a few jabs in on Obama, but the audience kept her in check, even booing her when she said, "That's not change you can believe in; that's change you can Xerox." Oops--bad move, HC...should've kept it clean.

HC needed to knock this one out of the park to make a comeback from her 11 straight losses. I don't think she hit it.

If anything, the debate was a draw. No winner.

The best part was when they got into the health care debate in more detail. The moderators kept trying to cut them off, but as I was screaming, "But this is important! This is what America needs to hear," Hillary, echoed my sentiments: "This is important" and they kept it up depsite the objections of the stupid moderators. It is an important issue--and people need to hear about it in more than te sounbites the moderators were allowing...so props to both candidates for pushing forward.

Interesting points:

Hillary mentioned John Edwards twice by name, lauding him for his health care efforts. Can you say "suck up?" ;-)

When asked about HC's plagiarism accusations, Obama countered well, getting laughs and applause from the audience: ""You know, this is where we start getting into silly season, in politics, and I think people start getting discouraged about it." Ain't that the truth...

Obama scores again when he points out that HC's implication that he and his plans aren't "real" is insulting to all the Americans who support him: "I do think there is a fundamental difference between us in terms of how change comes about. Senator Clinton of late has said: Let's get real. The implication is that the people who've been voting for me or involved in my campaign are somehow delusional," Obama said to laughter from the audience. "And that, the 20 million people who've been paying attention to 19 debates and the editorial boards all across the country at newspapers who have given me endorsements, including every major newspaper here in the state of Texas. You know, the thinking is that somehow, they're being duped, and eventually they're going to see the reality of things. Well, I think they perceive reality of what's going on in Washington very clearly."

Clinton scores some points with her final mini-speech: "You know, the hits I've taken in life are nothing compared to what goes on every single day in the lives of people across our country...". Thanks for mentioning us little people, Hill.

BUT those words seem far less heartfelt today, when it turns out, her words merely mimic those her husband uttered in 1992 (and who is she accusing of plagiarism??): "The hits that I took in this election are nothing compared to the hits the people of this state and this country have been taking for a long time." Sounds awfully similar, doesn't it?

Plus, analysts wonder if Clinton knows she's about reached the end of the line, as her voice softened and she almost got teary again and finished up the night: "Whatever happens, we're going to be fine. You know, we have strong support from our families and our friends I just hope that we'll be able to say the same thing about the American people, and that's what this election should be about." Is she preparing to say goodbye? If she doesn't pull out a major win in Texas, she's gonna have to.

Oh...but wait...did she take that from John Edwards?? On Dec. 13th, Edwards, ending his own campaign said, "All of us are going to be just fine no matter what happens in this election. But what's at stake is whether America is going to be fine." Is it maybe, just maybe, a little bit hypocritical to accuse someone of plagiarism and then borrow words from two other people? I'm just wondering...(can you say "politics as usual???").

Stupid People

My old graduate school program recently started an email list. I didn't think much of it because I don't keep in touch with any of those people (with the exception of one person). This one guy, who was a total jack ass in school, started emailing about his trouble finding a job. He went on and on and on and on...you get the point. He kept spouting all these buzz words, and then he started name dropping about all of the people he had worked with. His name is Joseph, and I've decided to write him a letter. Here is what it will sound like.
Dear Joseph,
How have you been? Wait. I don't really give a shit. I remember you from graduate school. You always wanted special treatment because you had a kid and a wife. You also used to look over my shoulder at everything I designed in our lab so that you could copy me. Don't think I didn't see that. Just because you use big words in complex sentences does not make you smarter than anyone else. In fact, if you spent less time typing stupid fucking emails that clog up my inbox, then perhaps you would find a job. Give the wife my best.
Supersize me,
Alexandra

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