the DVD conspiracy

You know...I've wondered about this myself. It always makes me all hot and bubbly inside. I, like NintendoJamesNerd, do not understand the purpose of taping each side. I usually end up cursing and wheelding a knife at the DVD case. I wish the DVD taping folks would explain it to me...perhaps if there were a reason, I could put the knife down...or at least cut out some of the cursing...

Bull...shit!

Umm...if they vote to tax my e-mail, I may revoke my membership in the Democratic party. {Well, I'll at least stomp my feet and scream a bit.}

You know what's bullshit? Shoelaces. This cracks me up...power laces...seriously...where are they? And I forgot all about bow biters... And I love the creation of the word "fucktupple." I think I'm going to start using that one: "I fucktupple-checked it, man. The numbers are right!"

Know what else is bullshit? This woman in line in front of me at the grocery store today. She took a carton of eggs and broke them in half and took them to the register. She only wanted to pay for 6 eggs, not 12. Says the girl at the register, "But we have half-dozens." Says annoying woman, "Not organic ones." Says, register chick, "But you can't just break a carton in half." Says, oragnic egg woman, "why not?" Says register girl, "Because you can't. There's only a price for 12, and then there's just 6 misfit eggs left in the back that no one else will buy." Says organic egg woman, "Well, I guess I'll just go back and get the other 6...but that'll be too much money, so I'll have to put something back. Hmmm..." Says register girl, "What would you like me to take off?" Says organic egg lady, "The milk." Register girl: "The milk?" Organic Egg Lady: "Yeah the milk." Then, before paying, she runs off to get her other freakin' six eggs without paying, so I have to stand there and wait for her to get back (eggs are all the way at the back).

I wanted to throw the extra 6 non-organic eggs at her head. But I was already pissed because I had to ride in the elevator after work with some b*tch on her damn cell phone. And despite the fact that I stared her down and tapped my foot loudly, she didn't think there was a single solitary thing wrong with her having her entire private phone conversation with me present.

And that is bullshit.

Be Glad Your Mama's NOT From Texas...

Seriously: What's going on in Texas?
Perhaps the whole state needs to be sterilized??

For Queen Bee

I want to know: How'd she keep that smile?
Must be the years of practice...
Now the only question is was the later booing because Miss USA wasn't hot enough for the top 5 or for political reasons?

Rantless Today...hmmm

This blog is supposed to be my free therapy. It's where I come to rant and rave about Eastwick, Eastwickeans, my job, the idiots I work with and for, etc. I'm sure I'll be pissed about something again, but for now I feel pretty rantless (hehe...I made up a word). Mr. Bitchford went out of town on business this weekend, and I realized I had the entire weekend to myself. Saturday morning came, and Sukie took me shopping and out for some yummy trans-fatty fast food. We then cruised Target for some home stuff and a b-day card for Mr. Bitchford.

BTW, I do have one small rant. Have you SEEN the price of cards today? I took a photo of the card I would have bought him. $4.25 for a card! It's the thought that counts.

Ok, back to my weekend. After Sukie left, one of my few "married with children" friends called to see if I wanted to go to a party. A mutual friend always throws a huge Memorial Day bash every year. Good food, good beer, good friends, and lots of people doing the white man's overbite on the dance floor. Good times! I didn't even have to drive, so I could get my drink on for a change.

So, I woke up this morning, and I realized that even though my family doesn't live that close to me, I've created my own little family here in Eastwick. So, Sukie, you are right. Family doesn't have to be people you are related to (although, I am lucky because I'm related to some really cool people). Have a good Memorial Day everyone, and I'm sure I'll be all pissed off next week. ;)

Ewww

This kid stole a bottle of ranch dressing from his school's cafeteria, took it to the bathroom, ejaculated in it, and then took it back to the cafeteria to be served to fellow students. Eww! Says he, "I have no explanation for what I did...I felt bad after I did it." Ok, freak, thanks for the apology. A judge ordered him to complete community service and pay a fine.

Is it 1983??

Gay men remain banned from giving blood. Evidently, the FDA hasn't gotten anymore progressive since 1983 when the ban was first put into place. If a man has ever had sex with another man, he is permanently (for life!) banned from giving blood. This is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, and it perpetuates the myth that HIV/AIDS is a gay disease. With all the new tests we have now, such a ban is unneccessary and keeps perfectly healthy men from donating blood that the Red Cross continues to say we need.

According to this article from the Associated Press, "Anyone who's used intravenous drugs or been paid for sex also is permanently barred from donating blood." Does this not equate male-to-male sexual intercourse with drug use and prostitution? What about lesbians? Can lesbians give blood? This article doesn't specify they can't, so I'm assuming they can. What about straight people who have sex with multiple partners on a regular basis? They can give blood; they're not banned for life. Say it with me, now: dumb.

Cat Fight!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the epitome of what it means to be Eastwickean. She makes me feel all hot and violent inside. I wish Rosie had pounced her. Or Joy had slapped her.

Bitch U.

Slate.com featured an article today called, "How do you start your own university?"

This got me thinking: I think we should start our own university. If Jerry Falwell can have one, why can't we?

One class I know I would like to teach at my university is Cell Phones 101.

Some lecture notes:

People should not use their cell phones in public places (i.e. in elevators, the bank, the grocery, etc.).

Multi-tasking and cell phones = disaster! This means people should not shop and talk, bank and talk, or walk and talk...and...

People should get off their damn cell phones while they're driving (There is scientific data to support this).

If I can hear your cell phone conversation, you should not be having it.

People should never, ever, ever have an emotional bout with a loved one on a cell phone in public! Ever! I really don't give a shit if he did sleep with your best friend!

Text-messaging is making people grammatically retarded. What is an apostrophe for?? IDK! What about capital letters? WTF are those for??

The silent feature: learn it, love it, use it. No one else wants to listen to The Battle Hymn of the Republic progressively getting louder while you go digging through your purse to find your cell phone, which will inevitably stop ringing before you find it anyway.

And that's just for starters.

What about you? What would you teach at our university to help alleviate the stupidity that has flooded our society?

Ex-Husbands are Like Bad Credit!

I've decided that ex-husbands are like bad credit. After two years, instead of seven, you get to erase them. Now, I don't think you should get to erase them meaning they don't exist anymore. Although, I did recently read about a woman who chopped her husband up and put him in her designer Kenneth Cole luggage. Interesting. However, this does not appeal to me for two reasons: (1) I wouldn't go to that much trouble and (2) I enjoy my freedom way too much. When I say erase, I mean you don't have to refer to him as your ex-husband anymore. When someone asks who he is, you can just say, "I don't know, but I heard he has an incurable venereal disease."

Why don't some ex-husbands want to go away? Is it a control issue? I mean, you have both spent a bunch of money to have your state say you broke up. Why drag that out some more? Mine likes to do this. We have no ties, but he continues to pop up everywhere. It just reminds me of why not to drink and what bad judgement a 22 year old can have. What was I freakin' thinking? My family tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. My dad even offered to help me down the fire escape of the B&B we were married at. Still wouldn't listen. So, the lesson is that "forever" is a long ass time, so be sure.

*This message is brought to you by the Council of Women Affected by Skank-ass Lying Men*

Should I Grow a Set?

I was driving around town with Sukie the other day, and I had a near death experience. She whipped her shiny, new, and fast car through major traffic, while making a left hand turn (keep in mind that my fragile body was in the passenger side). She maneuvered the car through traffic, while hanging out of her window from the waist up screaming, "Out of my way bitches. My car is red and faster than yours." It scared the hell out of me. We pulled into our destination, and I told her that she had freaked me out with her driving. Her basic reply...grow a set. You know, this isn't the first time she has said things like this to me. One day I was bitching about work and agonizing over a decision. She looked right through me (she's very good at this) and told me to stop being a woman. Now, this may seem harsh to some, but it is why I love Sukie so. I'll question my decisions at work. I'll question my personal decisions. Sukie is always there to say something kinda harsh and very blunt. I'm declaring tomorrow "Sukie Kinda Blunt and Mean Day." If you have a friend like this, and if you don't you should get one, make sure you send her an appreciative email tomorrow. All of us gals need to grow a set and stop acting like a woman sometimes. Sukie, I am very glad that you are my cynical touchstone. Love ya, girl! :)

Eastwick Politics

Our esteemed city councilmen accidentally broadcast what was supposed to have been a closed meeting.

What did we get to see?

Basically the equivalent of a bar-room brawl in which our city's finest, most upstanding citizens berated one another and local business owners with foul language and insults and name-calling.

Oh, and they went on to discuss such unethical issues as assigning a contract to a specific business without the required bidding. They even threatened certain parties with unjustified condemnations of property. I am not even kidding. And it was all caught on tape.

Think they're sorry or embarrassed? Hell, no. They contend they were just doing their jobs--their behavior was merely an indication of their (OMG!) “passion for equity and progress.” What??

Sukie and Alexandra's Baby Adventure

First of all, I must tell you that Sukie and I despise children. The only reason I like my nieces and nephews is because they look like me and act like me. I don't think Sukie likes ANY children. Hell, I don't even know if Sukie likes me sometimes;) Anyway, Sukie is working on a major project at our company with a major brown noser. We will call her The Peroxide Queen. Even though Sukie is doing the actual work, The Peroxide Queen has taken over the budget. She really needs to buy about $3,000 worth of electronics for the project, and The Peroxide Queen is holding the money hostage! When asked about this, The Peroxide Queen said that she would really like to go with Sukie to make the purchases. This sent Sukie into a foaming from the mouth tirade. I thought she should just make a list of what she needed and send The Queen after it. Then, we got an even better idea. Why not make a registry? We could go to the store, create the registry, and Sukie wouldn't have to go shopping with the bitch. Brilliant! The only problem was that this place only had wedding or baby registries. Discrimination! Anyway, Sukie and I decided we could pose as a lesbian couple adopting a child. Woo Hoo! Our baby is gonna have some killer electronics. $3,000 worth! BTW, our child will be arriving in late August. We are registered for premium vodka and a lifetime prescription of Valium. Sukie and I thank you in advance:)

What's in Your Goody Drawer?

I recently read a discussion thread about sex toys. It was nice to see that people in Eastwick not only have sex, but they have fun with it. So, here is your assignment: what's in your goody drawer? If you do not have a goody drawer, I highly recommend investing in one. You will never regret it.

Items in my goody drawer:

• A remote controlled vibrator called The Ram (highly recommend)
• Cock Rings (nice except for the unfortunate incident on Christmas Eve when I had to go to urgent care)
• Sparkly, sugary dust (men are visual and like to see you sparkle)
• Warming gel (can be nice, but do not put directly on sexual organs)
• Burt's Bees peppermint chap stick (your man or woman will love it if you put this on right before oral sex)
• Always have fresh batteries
• Eight inch stripper heels (these are in my goody closet, but I'll save that for another day)

I can't wait to hear what you freaks have in your goody drawers!!!

Sheer Idiocy

Our state legislature is trying to pass a bill that will allow concealed weapons...GUNS!...on school grounds. Come on, people. You seriously believe that allowing guns at the local elementary and middle school will keep our children safer???

According the the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, "In 2004, 29569 people in the U.S. died from firearm-related deaths. Thirty-nine percent (11,624) were murdered; 16,750 were suicides; 649 were accidents. In the same year, firearms were used to murder 56 people in Australia, 184 people in Canada, 73 in England and Wales, and 5 in New Zealand."

Gotta love that right to bear arms...

In addition, about 8 children and teens (age 19 and under) lost their lives to guns every single day in 2004.

Yes, I think it would be lovely to up that number from 8 a day to say, oh, IDK, maybe 15 or 20 a day...I know just the way to do it, too! Guns at school! Yes! What a brilliant idea!!

Makin' Love Out of Nothing at All

Ok. I've looked back over my last few posts, and I realized how angry I am. I know venting can be a good thing, but I'm going to try something new. I was at dinner tonight, and Air Supply came on. I thought about how soothing the music was, and I began to relax a little. I don't really relax much. I've tried yoga, and I really want it to work, but it just doesn't work for me. I end up sitting on that stinky mat thinking, "When the hell will this be over, and how can that woman wrap her leg around her head?" So, I'm thinking I need a more unconventional method. This is where Air Supply comes in. Any time I start to feel a little tense, I'm gonna throw on a little Air Supply. So far, so good. I was REALLY stressed tonight because of a co-worker. It was Mr. Vomit, and once again he screwed something up and shoved the blame off on me. I snapped. I yelled at him, and then I told him to beware of my wrath. Next time, I'll just say, "I know just how to whisper, and I know just how to cry..."

I'll let you know how it goes;)

Stupid people suck!

I'm addicted to a discussion forum. For the most part, I have a lot of fun on there, and I have met some really cool people. There is one, though, that drives me up the wall. He is an ultra right-winger, but that isn't even the part that bothers me so much. There are other ultra right-wingers that can put together a thought without stupid insults, slanted information, or grammar and punctuation errors. Now, before you think I'm on a grammatical high horse, let me explain. It's one thing to make a mistake, but it is another when the person claims to be sooooo much more intelligent than everyone else, yet can't tell the difference between "affect" and "effect". Nor can the person tell the difference between "its" and "it's". When you add in the poster's racial rants, I feel like reaching through (ahem...not threw) my computer and beating him on the head with my dictionary. And to put icing on the cake, he thinks our educational system sucks because of teachers. Maybe it sucks because he has too many seeds in the gene pool. How about a little birth control buddy? Sometimes, while reading his posts, I think that he surely isn't serious. Alas, I think he is. His latest rant is that blacks commit more crimes on whites, and the media won't cover it. Instead of putting forth an argument, he quotes slanted, right-wing web sites, and he throws in a little "humor" for the rest of us. For example, he may use the "mighty white of ya" phrase. His other rant is that homosexuals created HIV/AIDS and deserve to die because of their reckless behavior. WTF, dude? Do you even live in this century? My favorite part was when he talked about them engaging in high risk sexual behavior, and he added that he had never seen one that didn't. How much gay porn is this fool watching? Is it a live show? Is that his bag? Does it fo'shizzle his nizzle and make it jizzle? You get my point. And one more thing, this fool isn't even from Eastwick.

Boy Oh Boy, will Sukie be Pissed!

I just got back from an awards banquet that our employer had tonight. There is one award given out every year to the person who has contributed most to the company. It never fails that it goes to a useless asshole. Well, this year was no different. It went to Mr. Vomit. Sukie and I call him Mr. Vomit because when you are in his presence, you feel like puking on his unpolished shoes. Yes, he has unpolished shoes. How do you climb the corporate ladder with scuffed up loafers? Anyway, Sukie couldn't be there tonight, and I really fear the wrath that will come when she reads this post.

As for me, I thought I would be angrier than I am. Instead, I started thinking about how lucky I am to have my life and not his. I'm really happy with my family, my friends, and my work projects. I actually had people to go out with after the banquet. I imagine he was alone. While I do enjoy my job, it is just a job. It pays my mortgage payment and keeps food on the table. When I die, I won't be thinking about some lame ass faux medal that I won at an awards banquet. I'll be thinking about my family, my friends, and what a cool ride it has been. Be thankful that you are not a kiss-ass tonight, Sukie. You are a better person for it.

Thoughts of an Eastwick Juror

Yeah, I got called…and I got picked. And then I was stuck in a cramped little jury room with 13 of Eastwick’s finest specimens of citizenship.

The only thing we have in common: this case we’re hearing.
The only thing we can’t talk about: this case we’re hearing.

It was, in a word, dreadful.

We were crammed up in that room together for 2 hours yesterday, crossing our fingers for a settlement, when some of the jurors started “joshing” each other. This one fine Eastwickean pulled out a very popular Eastwickean phraseology as a retort: “Well, that’s mighty white of ya.” Yeah. Only slightly racist, right? Of course, there were no black jurors to be offended. In case you are unfamiliar with this saying, it basically equates being white with being good as opposed to being black, which would be bad. And certainly, if you’re receiving good treatment, it must be at the hands of a white man because black men would never treat you fairly or well. Thus, “it’s mighty white of you” to pick up my mail for me while I’m out of town. Sometimes, it’s used with a dose of sarcasm when you’re not being “mighty white,” as in if you stuck me with all the work on a project, and I said dripping with sarcasm, “That’s mighty white of you.”

Here are some other completely random thoughts on my experience with Eastwickean jury service:

1. Why in the world is Ms. America 1994 in charge of the video explaining to me my job as a juror???
2. All judges in the south really do talk exactly like those judges in the John Grisham movies. I mean, we are jer-ORs not jer-ers. ;-)
3.Lawyers talk too much. Way too much. I wonder if they know no one cares…
4.Southerners really like to talk. Dude, all you have to tell the judge is yes or no and whether or not it will affect your ability to be impartial…we do NOT need your entire life story during voire dire. Really, we don’t.
5.Just because he’s a judge, does not mean he’s articulate…or audible even.
6.Lawyers should be REQUIRED to take public speaking classes…seriously.
7. Do they keep it below freezing in the courtroom so you won’t even think about breaking the rules and wearing a tank top? I’m wearing a ski jacket next time…for real.
8.I hope I am never falsely accused of a crime…because if these are my peers, well, I’d rather take my chances getting to Mexico…on foot…with no money…
9.Do you know you don’t even have to prove you are who you say you are? No ID check, nothing…I could’ve sent a substitute. ;-)
10.Being stuck in a little room with bad airflow and fourteen (oops…now 13) strangers indefinitely while the lawyers and the judge fight about whether or not we get to see certain photos, etc. is really, really boring. Why can’t I have reading material again??
11.Even if they tell you to forget what was just said…you don’t…you heard it…
12.Lawyers are super sneaky…super sneaky. Sometimes, I just wanted to clap, and say, Wow…I can’t believe you snuck that in there…
13.It’s a little more like tv than I thought…even though the judge warned us it wouldn’t be…I mean, this…this is drama…whoa…
14.Why is the guy representing the state still called a Solicitor? I don't understand this one. Why no District Attorney...why no Prosecutor? Why are you soliciting me?? I want to wear a Tshirt that says, “No soliciting” just for fun.

Trivia Night!

We were invited out for a night of trivia. I'm only good at the pop culture questions, but Mr. Bitchford is full of useless information. I think that gives us an excellent shot at winning free beer! There will be a mix of men and women, and we have to come up with a name. My suggestion is Balls n' Claws. What do you think? Will people fear us? They better beware because Balls n' Claws is going to represent, yo.

*My friend received urban slang flash cards for her birthday, and I find myself using the slang everywhere. Sorry:)

It's a holiday

Thursday, May 10th is Confederate Memorial Day. All state offices closed.

Didn't know it was a holiday?

Welcome to Eastwick.

Kissing @ss and taking names...

You know what really gets my gourd? Kiss-@sses. I hate ‘em. And I hate that they get ahead in life. At work we have what’s called performance pay increases. It means if you go above and beyond the call of duty in your job, you can get a raise. I have busted my @ss this last year for my company. I have gone so far beyond the call of duty that I ended up at the doctor's office begging for drugs to resolve my anxiety attacks. Now, I didn’t do it in hopes of getting a raise. Or for recognition. I did it because I believe very strongly in this project which will really improve our company. I can’t not do it. I can’t half-@ss my job.

So I wouldn’t be upset that I didn’t get a performance pay increase except that this other chick in my department who NEVER does anything did get it. I mean, she’s out of here by 12 noon every day. She’s never in her office. She does just enough. You know what I mean? She does just enough to say she did her job…and sometimes not even that…just enough to say she works here. What she does do is kiss some serious boss-man booty. She is so far up our boss's backside, if he turns too fast, it’ll break that little brown-noser’s neck. I am not even kidding.

And of course, she gets rewarded for that. And of course, I can’t be that much of a kiss @ss. (This is in part because I find kissing @ss to be completely degrading and also in part because my facial expressions and tone of voice are so distinct as to not allow me to lie straight to someone’s face like that. Ask my friends about my fave phrase, “Good for you.”). Of course. Because this is life, and life ain’t fair, and that makes me not like life so much today. But of course, I’ll get over that…eventually.

Working relationships

Why can't women be more like men and not have working relationships? You don't hear men coming home to complain about Joe the gossip whore. I'm thinking only women do this. Well, since it is my gender right, I'm going to complain! I work with a woman who never grew up. She accepts no personal responsibility for her actions at work or in her personal life. I have to listen to her flap her jaws about her personal relationships all day long. When she's not flapping to me, I have to hear her on the phone flapping some more. She cries too! She's the woman who will say she's going to meet you somewhere and then never show. You know the type. You can't count on her for crap! It's an easy fix unless you work with her. Luckily, I don't have to depend on her in order to do my job, but Sukie does. I hate it for Sukie too. Here is an example:

Let's say there is a meeting scheduled. This woman will act like she is coming to the meeting up until five minutes before. Then she gets sick to her stomach and bolts. You would think that upper management would catch on, but no. Apparently if you can lick butt, then you are golden at this place.

Sukie, when are you going to turn some of that anger towards this woman? I think it's about time.

Over the Shoulder Bolder Holder

It's been four years since I have bought a new bra. I HATE bra shopping, but I ventured out today. I tried on seven bras, and I could take it no longer. I finally settled on a basic, white bra with underwire and smooth cups. It looked ok in the dressing room. I brought it home, and I tried it on again. I looked like I had smuggled two ice cream cones with cherries on top under my shirt. They were like giant NASA rockets ready for take-off. Now, I don't want the droopy boobs. I have seen women who could tuck their boobies into their pants. I also don't want giant cone cups either. What' s a girl to do? Any advice?

It's Cinco de Mayo in Eastwick!

The key words here are in Eastwick. We are getting ready to go see some friends for the weekend. They don't live in Eastwick, which means we will have a variety of places to party well after midnight. You might ask yourself, "Why would you say after midnight?" In Eastwick, everything closes down at 11:45 p.m. It's close to the Sabbath, so we can't buy alcohol, tampons, shoes, etc. until 1:30 the next day. You know how Jesus is about buying tampons on the Sabbath. This is why I am leaving! Just a little side note for you. The "big" church in Eastwick just installed a $25,000 lighting system. Are you starting to see a pattern here? Anyway, party on people, and happy Cinco de Mayo to you and yours:)

From The Eastwick Newsroom…

We live in a really exciting place…

• The Eastwick Mall is adding a new store to its lineup. The area's first Dillard's is coming. Yup…that’s right…we’re up-and-coming, now: A Dillard’s. It’ll be like a real mall…
  
• A local police officer was let go this week. Evidently, he kept sending naked pictures of himself to some woman, asking her for sex…while he was on duty—you know, supposedly handing out speeding tickets, keeping the peace, and all…Braniac even included his badge in the indecent photos.
  
• And… DUI arrests in Eastwick are down (wonder if there’s a connection???).

Bitches Britches

Did anyone else know such things existed? My dog is "fixed," so I had never heard of such things. Well, I took her to the vet, and I found out that she needed some medication for an upset stomach. I gave her the meds, and then I noticed that her little doggy vagina was leaking. It was gross and bizarre. I got online and looked up her meds. Apparently the meds affect her hormones. This was all starting to make more sense. Off I went in search of bitches britches. Do you know that Eastwick does not have such a thing? Perhaps the Eastwickeans think bitches britches are a sex toy, so they will not sell them. Never fear, though. I found a pair of my underwear (that I don't wear anymore and never will again.) They were cute too. With the help of my wonderful, faithful boyfriend, we fashioned these cute panties into bitches britches. The dog is very ashamed of herself, but my hardwood floors are dry!

Satanic Bush

A friend of mine sent me this link because her friend works at this school. It made me laugh--alot--particularly the actual drawing. Ha, Ha!

"It's Goin' Down in the SC Where I'm From"

I saw this rap video posted on a discussion board today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReDlDdn-gCs

I'm actually from S.C., but not Eastwick. When I first watched this, I was a little taken aback. I'm not a prude witch by any means. Then I found myself humming the rap, while working on the computer. I went back and watched it, and I noticed that it was actually quite good. As you can see, we are not strictly "backwoods" in Eastwick or the deep south. We like to keep it real with our grillz. Peace out, suckas:)

Condoms or No Condoms: Can you believe that is still a burning question?

So, I recently heard (through the grapevine) that the local community college in Eastwick does not feel COMFORTABLE handing out condoms. Apparently there was a health fair of sorts and employees were told that NO condoms were to be handed out. WTF people! These are college kids. I can't believe that this is even an issue anymore. I don't know about anyone else, but the sight of a twelve-year-old with a baby makes me more uncomfortable than condoms. Here's a little fact of the day. Eastwick has a high syphilis rate. Gee. I wonder why that could be?


Ahhh, but life is not all bad in Eastwick. You see, Sukie and I are planning to partake of some beer at the local music festival. It looks like rain. Figures.

Eastwick: A Glimpse

When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to get out of Smalltown, SouthernUSA. I hated living in a place where everybody knew my name and everything I did. I also hated living in a place that worshipped conformity and frowned at diversity. Anyone not willing to conform to Smalltown’s values, mores, and belief systems, was thrown to the Wolves of Ostracizia—a very lonely place indeed. And yet, here I am in Eastwick—a virtual replica of that town my long-ago self vowed to leave. Why?

Well, that’s a story for another day. Today’s story is more a play off Alexandra’s—a glimpse into life in towns like Eastwick, towns where people like us (dirty liberals!) just don’t fit in but continue to live, hoping and dreaming that maybe, just maybe, one day…awww, who are we kidding…we’re going to get burned at the stake!

Nonetheless, welcome to Eastwick:

Eastwick is in the “Bible Belt.” We still have laws that prevent the purchase of alcoholic beverages on Sunday. Why? Because Sunday is the Sabbath, of course, and you shouldn’t be imbibing on the Sabbath! We also have laws that prevent stores from opening before 1 p.m. on Sundays. Why? Again, because it’s the Sabbath, and you should be in church, not out shopping!

When I first moved down to Smalltown from Boston way back in ’89, I experienced extreme culture shock—even though I was a kid. One of the first stigmas I experienced was the social stigma attached to Catholicism in the South. Much to our surprise, we quickly found that one of the first questions people in our new town (the one just like Eastwick) asked upon first meeting you was “What church do you go to?” And when your response was “I’m Catholic,” you were greeted by a look of disgust, accompanied by sympathetic, “Oh, I see,” which was immediately followed by an invitation to that person’s Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, whatever Church. As I got older, I visited many different churches in our town. I went with friends to their congregations' Sunday services. In high school, I went with a boyfriend to his Southern Baptist church. During the sermon (which never ceased to amaze and frighten a girl who’d grown up Catholic), the preacher jumped around, stomping his feet and waving his fists, screaming about who was going to Hell and for what. Then, he began to stress the importance of missionary work. One of the reasons more people from this congregation needed to sign up to go to Africa: “We have to get in there and save these heathens’ souls before the Catholics get to them first and ruin ‘em!” As I left, he shook my hand, and said he hoped I’d enjoyed the sermon and would be back. I said, “My whole family is Catholic. Has been since they got off the boat.” He gave me that look, and no doubt, next week they prayed for my poor, misguided Catholic soul.

Also, when I first moved down here, I heard the “N-word” for the first time. I didn’t know what it meant. I learned quickly, though. And I watched my first KKK march. My mother, sister, and I were downtown shopping in a dress shop. All of a sudden you could hear all this stomping out on the street. It literally shook the floor of the shop. My sister and I ran out to the window to see what was going on. We saw a long line of Ku Klux Klan members marching down Main Street. They were fully decked out in the costumes and everything, even pulling little children along with them. My mother pulled my sister away from the window, but my sister’s curiosity was piqued: “Mom, why are all those people wearing dunce caps? Were they bad?” She didn’t know about the KKK. I did; I learned about it in history, and that’s what I thought it was: history.

And that’s enough storytelling for one day. Perhaps tonight I shall head to Downtown Eastwick and partake in the beer and wine at the blasphemous, immoral music festival.

How in the hell did I end up in Eastwick?

Growing up, I always thought I would live somewhere glamorous. Maybe a big city. Nope. I'm in Eastwick a.k.a. purgatory. You would think that I would get used to it, but no again. Instead, I met Sukie! You see, there really aren't that many young, professionals in Eastwick, so you can imagine my excitement when I stumbled upon a fellow "sinner". (that's what the Eastwickeans call us) I'll give you an example:

Eastwick has a summer music festival in its downtown area. Vendors serve food, beer, and wine. The Eastwickeans have actually picketed because of the beer and wine sales. Can you believe it??? Well, enough of the bad stuff.

Eastwick also has concrete strip malls and chain restaurants as far as the eye can see. Who the hell am I kidding? Sukie, send some good vibes my way:)

A Brilliant Idea is Born

"Alexandra Bitchford" e-mailed me:
"We could start our own blog.
We could be The Bitches of EastWick.
I say we do it. It could be very balls to the wall with no censoring.
Waht do you think?"

Me: Yeah!
And here we are...