This got me thinking: I think we should start our own university. If Jerry Falwell can have one, why can't we?
One class I know I would like to teach at my university is Cell Phones 101.
Some lecture notes:
People should not use their cell phones in public places (i.e. in elevators, the bank, the grocery, etc.).
Multi-tasking and cell phones = disaster! This means people should not shop and talk, bank and talk, or walk and talk...and...
People should get off their damn cell phones while they're driving (There is scientific data to support this).
If I can hear your cell phone conversation, you should not be having it.
People should never, ever, ever have an emotional bout with a loved one on a cell phone in public! Ever! I really don't give a shit if he did sleep with your best friend!
Text-messaging is making people grammatically retarded. What is an apostrophe for?? IDK! What about capital letters? WTF are those for??The silent feature: learn it, love it, use it. No one else wants to listen to The Battle Hymn of the Republic progressively getting louder while you go digging through your purse to find your cell phone, which will inevitably stop ringing before you find it anyway.
And that's just for starters.
What about you? What would you teach at our university to help alleviate the stupidity that has flooded our society?
10 comments:
Well, I have to echo the "grammar matters" speech. I saw a sign the other day that said "Kids Menu." No apostrophe! I would like to teach a class titled "Special People: You are not one of them." We can cover topics such as (1) Your shit does smell, so don't break in line in front of me (2) Just because you smile does not mean that your comment was appropriate or warranted. I would also like to teach "Flip Flops: Pick up Your Fucking Feet."
All good ones!
How about "If I Have a Stop Sign, Don't Stop in a Moving Lane of Traffic and Wave Me On Because Your Twisted Sense of Law Breaking Courtesy is Going to Kill People"?
Sorry, not like I have a personal beef with a particular intersection or anything.
And on a related note:
"Instructions: Read Them"
Aftre a lunch-time drive on the main drag in Eastwick, I'd also like to add "The Gas Pedal: It's the One on the Right."
After a stroll around my neighborhood, I'm going to add "Condoms: What Are They Good For?" An alternate title for this course is "Hey, stupid people! Stop multiplying!" One topic would be "If you have children and a wife who are the same age, you need condoms." Another would be "If you have more than 2 baby's daddies, you need condoms!"
I think a mandatory class should be You're an Adult Now and Need to Learn to Act Like One. this course would be taught over two consecutive semesters (YANNLALO 101 and YANNLALO 102).
Here's a sample course description:
YANNLALO 101: This course will force you to break free of your helicopter parent(s) by giving you techniques/strategies to 1) stop whining when you don't get your own way in college, 2) realize that you are not the perfect angel anymore (and probably never were), 3) stop abusing your parents' credit cards, and 4) take responsibility for your own actions.
YANNLALO 102: This course reinforces the concepts covered in YANNLALO 101.
Here's another class--Don't Bite Off More Than You Can Chew (DUMBASS 101). I just finished IMing with someone who had done just that (note the time of this post). If you're not ready to take a class, then DUMBASS 101 is for you! Maybe you'll save yourself some grief, save your own money, save the taxpayers some money for a class you're not prepared for, and even better prevent your instructor from leaving what we call the "civilized" world and moving to a commune in the nearby Eastwick mountains and saying "FUCK THIS SHIT"!
I would like to add that in this cell phone class, there needs to be a special section on how to NOT use your cell phone when crossing the street. Some people have to learn this the hard way, by getting hit by a bus (something that happened right outside my office not too long ago)...I think this addition to the syllabus might be valuable for some.
Course suggestions:
Shut the Fuck up 101: This class is designed to make you understand that you need to be quiet while the teacher is speaking. Talking while others are trying to listen is rude and distracting.
Get Your Nose Out of the Teacher's Ass 101: Licking the teacher's balls will not get you a better grade. Also, you should not be able to report back to everyone in your group what the instructor had for lunch.
Retards and Morons 101: This class will teach you that you should not write on the flip chart if you can't even spell your own name. This makes the rest of the group look like fucking idiots.
Put Your Fucking Blackberry Back in Your Car Asshole 101: How in the fuck do you think you can participate in group work when your dumbass is playing games on this device?
These are some of the suggestions I have based on some work training I participated in this week.
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