Culture Shock

What has happened to our culture? Has MySpace and text messaging taken over the world? I guess you could say the same about blogging, but I think that is different. Blogging is like an old school journal to me. I was doing a little research this evening and cruising around MySpace. I was amazed by so many things. First of all, I studied web design in college, so the plethora of design mistakes literally burned my retinas. Aside from that, most of the people seemed sort of sad and simple. Each person seemed to want someone, no matter who it was, to talk to them. It then started to make me question how much things like MySpace and text messaging have changed the English language. I never see apostrophes anymore. Commas are obsolete. Don't even think about capitalization. What gives? I've been told that I just expect too much out of people and that grammar is dead. Is this true? If it is, don't you think we will pay a price for that? One more thing before I end my questioning. Does it amaze anyone else that MySpace accounts have found themselves in courtrooms used as evidence in murder cases? Just a few things to think about.

Wisdom from a 7-year old

A friend of mine's little girl is a spitfire. She kept getting in trouble for being very truthful with the other children. If she thought another child farted, she would call them out for it. If she didn't like what another little girl said, she would roll her eyes and set the bitch straight. My favorite episode is a recent one. Her mom has been on her to stop acting like this. Apparently, there is a little girl named Hayden, and she does not like her. She borrowed a pencil from Hayden today, and she decided to write her a note. It read as follows:
Dear Hayden,
I hate you, but thanks for the pencil.

I love it!

Top Ten Things Women in the Workplace Should Know

10. We'll never be truly appreciated for what we bring to the table
9. A wrap dress and strappy sandals can take you far (which is probably what's wrong with #10)
8. Rarely should you trust the other vixens you work with (most will be gossiping about you the second you walk away)
7. Sleep with NO ONE you work with (male or female)
6. Don't let anyone see you refreshing your lipstick (it's all down hill after that)
5. No matter how "safe" it feels, do NOT discuss the different prescriptions you take in order to continuing performing at your shitty job (the other vixens will use it against you)
4. No strapless garments. Need I say more?
3. Go ahead and be brutal. They'll call you a bitch anyway, so you might as well earn that damn title.
2. Be aware that your male higher ups want the problem fixed. They do not want to talk about it. Just fix it and never tell them.
1. Email is forever. Think before you press send. (This tip is for all people in the workplace...and in life)

Tuesday: See You At The Pole

Apparently today was "See you at the pole" day. If you do not know, this is when crazy Eastwickeans (and I imagine others) gather around a flag pole to pray. First of all, the name makes me giggle. Yes, I'm aware that that also makes me a bit mean and immature. Am I gonna see you at the pole to watch a stripper dance? Or maybe I'll see you at the "pole" is sexual? I'm just confused because don't people get to go to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and (in some regions) on Wednesday nights? How is this different? Is it a recruiting tool? If so, then it's not very enticing. How about "See You at the Bank Where We Will Pass Out Cold, Hard Cash for Those Who Pray" or "See You at the Buffet Where Those With The Best Prayers Will Get Dessert for Free." This would be SO effective in Eastwick. I'm just not buying this whole marketing scheme. If God is up there floating around, I bet he's pissed. You people should really be able to do better than this. I know I've been a little brutal here, but it is because of Eastwick. I'm ok with a live and let live kind of life. It doesn't happen here. You either join them, or you will pay. Needless to say, I wasn't at a fuckin' pole today.

Cranky Cal and Me

I sat in a 2 1/2 hour presentation today, and it is a miracle that I didn’t shoot one of my colleagues. Do you have one of those co-workers who seems to like to argue with EVERything—just for the sake of arguing? Yeah, me too. And he was there.

Basically, our company paid to bring in these people to talk about some new software the company is interested in purchasing, software that could simplify our jobs. The purpose of the presentation was to see if employees think this particular software is worth the investment.

Before the first presenter can even get ¼ of the way through her presentation, this guy (heretofore known as Cranky Cal) starts belligerently badgering her: “Why should we pay for software to do these functions when we can do them ourselves?” “But why should we pay for software?” “How will this software accomplish anything my head can’t?” He won't even give her a chance to answer, interrupting her with questions that don't even have answers! And on and on and on…for thirty freaking minutes until the BIG, Big man in charge (my boss’s boss’s boss) had to make him shut the hell up. Thus, the freaking meeting lasted an extra thirty minutes.

It’s simple: these people created a computer program which simplifies a number of processes we have to do. In doing so, they have created a way for us to do our jobs better and accomplish more in a shorter period of time. I have one answer to all Cranky Cal’s questions: “To save time and energy, you freaking moron!”

Plus, the company is willing to pay for it. It’s not like it’s coming out of our pockets. They’re going to buy something: the question is only what.

Furthermore, we were provided with a feedback sheet to turn in at the end of the meeting. I diligently recorded my thoughts and opinions (complete with actual explanations and logical reasoning) all throughout the presentation, so my opinion would be considered by the higher-ups. That’s the point of the feedback sheet. Do you really have to keep us all from getting home in time for dinner just because you don’t get the point? Write it on the G-D sheet and turn it in like the rest of us. Shut the hell up, so we can go home.

And Cranky Cal does this in every meeting we’re in together (unfortunately a lot). If I don’t kill him before he retires, it will be a miracle sent straight from FSM.

A Monday Morning

I should have just stayed in the bed. I felt like shit all day yesterday, so I decided that taking some of my favorite nerve pills and washing them down with martinis would be a good idea. I felt like I had created a new drink. One nerve pill + one martini= The Judy Garland. Ha! Or should it be The Janis Joplin? Or The Marilyn Monroe? I'm so glad I can amuse myself. Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning still feeling like shit. I put on my work clothes, which consists of the same old boring blouse and naughty secretary (pencil skirt) skirt. That's when I realized that I had my own weapon at work. My boobs are so big that I really shouldn't wear button down blouses. It's like having my own buckshot to aim at people who annoy me. That's when I decided that even though I had a kicky new hair do, I just couldn't drag myself in today. So, my question is why do people take off of work sick and still end up answering an ass of emails all day? I hate technology.

38% of Americans are RUDE friends...

I was waiting for the season premiere of Cold Case to come on last night, so I tuned into Power of Ten, which comes on before it. This woman was asked the following question: "What percentage of Americans said that if their friend's newborn was ugly, they'd still tell the friend the baby was beautiful?"

Wanna know the answer? 62%. WTF?? Who are these 38% of Americans who wouldn't lie to spare a friend's feelings? Who are these 38% of Americans who would say, "Seriously, Alexandra, your kid is SO not cute!"???

Now: I'm not a baby person. I don't really like 'em that much. But when people show me theirs, I usually manage to squeeze out a halfway sincere, "Oh, he's so cute!" whether he's fugly or actually cute.

I thought that's what most people do. Who says, "Wow--he's kind of a dog, isn't he?" Seriously--who says this? Where are these 38% of Americans living?

Must be Yankees... ;-)

A Bitch's List

I was watching my CBS morning show today, and there was a piece on lists. Apparently our society loves any and all lists. It doesn't matter how long or short or how crazy of a topic. Think about it. All magazines have lists. David Letterman has a list. Forbes has a list. VH-1 has a list. My goal is to try and post a list each week. Here is my first one.

Top Ten Things Women With Large Hooters Should Know
10. Stripes are not your friend
9. Scoop necklines are your friend
8. Turtlenecks are just out of the question
7. Loose garments only make you look like you are hiding something
6. Underwire is a must
5. You are not the only one who can't see your feet when you look down
4. Playtex cone bras are a no-no
3. Demi-cut bras were not meant for you
2. Bras are an investment. You will need to spend more than $12.99.
1. Embrace your large hooters and love them

Grandmas

I was lucky enough to have all four of my grandparents for a long time; however, I had one grandma that was my favorite. As awful as that might sound, it's just the way it was. She was everything to everyone. She was loyal, funny, giving, nurturing, and smart. It's been a few years since she passed away, but I still miss her terribly. I know my sister does too. She's admitted to driving by the old house sometimes and hoping to see her on the front porch waiting on us. I remember her sending me "candy" money in college. It was usually $50. Some "candy" money, right? That was just how she was, though. I'm not sure that I believe in heaven or that our souls go anywhere. If they do, I hope my grandma knows that when I get there I want her to make those flat-fried taters and to let me hear that funny little laugh of hers one more time. If you are wondering what made me think about her, here's my inspiration. This Natalie Dee cartoon reminded me of her. She was always to the point.

Ummm...

This b*tch on The View doesn't know whether the earth is flat or round.

When Barbara asks her what she would say if her son asked her whether the earth is flat or round, she says would respond with, "Baby, we got to go to the library."

Sukie on Jena

It's all over the news. The Rev. Jesse Jackson is gathering folks in Jena, as is the Rev. Al Sharpton. "Racism!" is their cry. Justice is what they supposedly seek.

Justice? Justice??

6 people beating one to a bloody pulp and sending him to the hospital is a crime--no matter what color skin the perpetrators or the victim has. End of story.

"There's a disparity in the justice system that needs to be repaired," say the protesters, with posters in hand.

Why? Because the three white kids who hung nooses in an area where black teens wanted to sit were not prosecuted...but the 6 black kids who retaliated with violence by ganging up on a white kid and hospitalizing him are being prosecuted. Hmm...hanging nooses....beating man nearly to death...DISPARITY?? Are you effing kidding me? What would you have them arrested for?

Look, I get that the hanging of the nooses was not funny...and not ok. BUT--it is a vastly different issue than beating a man.

“Free the Jena 6,” protesters demand.

Are you kidding me? They should just be let go? They beat that kid pretty badly. The DA is supposed to send the message that you solve disputes by hospitalizing people? That assault is ok? Sorry...but I don't think so.

The DA in Jena, LA is just doing his job. There's nothing to protest...nothing.

David Bowie just lost 10,000 cool points in my book.

Suing the Big Man

Ha, ha! I think it's hysterical that Ernie Chambers, Nebraska senator, has sued God. It cracks me up! He claims God is a terrorits, threatening: "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."
How, true!
Of course, the point is that any of us can file a lawsuit against anybody--and it's getting a little crazy. And I agree with him there, too.

Do you think the Associated Press intentionally gave him a halo in the photo for this article???

Cool site!

If you are into documentaries, then check this out. http://www.freedocumentaries.org./
There is a really good one about genetically modified foods. I think it is called The Future of Food. Very scary!

WTF?

Does this disturb anyone else?

The Day a Bitch Met Anthony Michael Hall

I was enjoying my coffee this morning, and I was enjoying the cool breeze coming through my screen door. I started to flip through the channels and came across The Breakfast Club. I know you all remember that movie. Can you believe how young Anthony Michael Hall was? Anyway, it made me remember the time I met him. I was a sophomore in college, and I had just moved out of the dorms. I was living with two guys (shhh...my parents still don't know about that). I had been trying to sleep one night, and there was a god awful noise coming from across the hall. I lived in a quadraplex, so there was always a lot of noise, but this was drunken noise...on a Sunday night...when I had an 8:00 class the next morning. I whip open the door ready to let my filthy mouth loose on someone, and who do I see? Anthony Michael Hall with some washed-up so"whor"ity bitch next door. He was SO drunk and porky looking. His face was old and swollen looking. I stood there in shock. I was in my jammies, and there was Anthony Michael Hall minus Molly Ringwald. What the fuck? First, I screamed. It was not what I had expected. I thought my neighbor would be whoring around with a "fratastic" from down the street, not a washed-up has been celebrity. Then I remember thinking, "Dude. I saw Edward Scissorhands. You had to have made some money off of that even if you weren't the star." I just closed the door and tried to go back to sleep. I don't know if it was the fact that Anthony Michael Hall was having to whore around in such a small college town or that he looked like he had a helium balloon for a head, but I just couldn't yell at him. I hope he's doing better for himself these days.

Shitty Dogs and Shitty Neighbors

What's a gal to do? As you all know, I have a dog. Whenever my dog is outside, she is on a leash. I do this for several reasons. I don't want her to run away, and I don't want her to hurt anyone else. So, why do the neighbors let their dogs wander around the neighborhood? There is a beautiful lab that I call "The Old Man". He looks so old, but he is very friendly. Here is the problem. He wanders around in traffic and takes giant dumps in my yard. We have tried to address both of these problems with the neighbor. Every morning before I leave for work, I see old man wandering around in traffic. I go get him, put him in his fenced in yard, and ring the neighbor's doorbell about a gazillon times. I happen to know that he likes to sleep in, so it warms my heart to do this at 7:15 a.m. Mr. Bitchford has started to get his giant shovel to remove the giant dumps from our yard. He then splats them on the neighbor's driveway. You would think that the problems would cease. Nope! So, in honor of my shitty neighbor and his nice, but still shitty dog, here is a cartoon about how I feel.

Swear Jar #2

I need this today because of all the motherfucking pieces of dumb, useless shit that live and continue to breed in this town. Why does one need to smoke, talk on the cell phone, and pick one's nose while driving? Because said person wants to watch fuckin' smoke come out of my god damn ears! I hate this crusty hole of a place today. Anyone else having a better day? Anyone else need to vent?

Reason # 101

I don't do church/organized religion:

2 British churches have banned yoga, calling it "unChristian."

Huh? What?

What I really don't understand is how people can NOT understand that the purpose of churches, the reason for which they were created, is to control people. I'm too smart to need that. I can make my own decisions, thank you. And I decide...that yoga is A-Ok.

Remembering 9/11

I read the greatest article on a forum today. It was about a woman who was a former Marine and a covert operative for the Central Intelligence Agency. Wow! She was at the Pentagon on 9/11 and was recalling her experience and friends she had lost. She has since started several yearly fundraising events for the Pentagon Disaster Relief Fund. Again, how cool is that? On top of that, she looks like this.

The same people on this forum who preach about being a good Christian and being patriotic did not have one thing to say about this woman. Here is one person who has and continues to make a huge difference in people's lives. In fact, she has served her country, which some of these forum posters have not. It made me ashamed at how divided we have become again. I remember how everyone stood together after 9/11. It doesn't feel like that anymore. This woman would have been celebrated for her service to her country and for her service to civilians' families. What's going to happen to us? I hope we can still get it together as a country.

Liberals vs. Conservatives

Are we smarter?

You be the judge: read this article which reports on a brain study that suggests that liberals deal with complex situations with more brain power.

An example provided by the study: Most people go to work the same way every day. Sometimes, though, you might encounter road work or an accident. Liberals are more likely to start firing neurons and find an alternate route; on the other hand, conservatives are more likely to stick to the same way they always go (firing fewer neurons to work through the problem).

I knew it! ;-)

What the ???

Have you seen these stories???

Another lovely result courtesy of No Child Left Behind: a little girl strokes, and no one calls 911. Now, she's paralyzed. Anyone still think this "Act" is a good thing for schools? WTF??

The girl whose clothing was unacceptable for flying according to Southwest Airlines. Y'all...seriously. Who was she hurting? Don't hate just 'cause you can dress like that...I can't either, but she can. Let it go. And then on Headline News, Erica Hill had the audacity, after reading several viewer e-mails in support of better dress in airports, to declare, "I wish people would dress better at airports, too. I'm over the track suits, people!" Bitch...I will wear a track suit if I want to. It's called comfort. I ain't wearing a 3 piece suit. Bite me...oh, and go to hell, too.

The girl who was arrested because she gave a cop a burger that was too salty. What? Seriously. You don't have a burglar or a killer or a pedophile to arrest?? Like our criminal justice system doesn't have enough to deal with. Suck it up, big boy. It's salt. Why'd you keep it eating it if it was so bad it made you sick? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought.

George Bush at APEC in Australia...or was that OPEC in Austria? I'm not sure...is he stupid or senile???

The 1.8 million dollar synagogue seats. WTF?? Reason # 99 I don't do organized religion/church.

Good Art

I've always seen those people who can stare at a blob on canvas and ooh and aah over it. As one would imagine, the arts aren't that big here in Eastwick, but there are a few bigger cities close by where it is a big deal. I've always secretly wanted to be one of those people who knew about art and photography. Our blog friend, Jessie, is a photographer. She takes great photos. My sister is a photographer, and so is my good friend Cookie. They all take the most beautiful photos. Mine always end up with a thumb in them or are all blurry. I saw a photo today that made me ooh and aah. I meant it too! It's of a man who is in a local bluegrass band. That's his pet possum. I thought I would share.

If Women Were Honest...

Eastwickeans Wouldn't Understand Why This Made Me Giggle

Sisters

If anyone else has a sister who you are close to, then you will understand this. The following is an email from my sister that was waiting on me this morning.

"Did you know that there existed a movie where Marky Mark fingerbangs Reese Witherspoon on a rollercoaster?"

The randomness and crudeness made me smile. And, I'm a little ashamed to say that I in fact did know this movie existed.

Shout Out to Sukie

It's not often that a professional woman can find another professional woman to be friends with. Most of the time this ends in a claw fest. I've been able to work with Sukie more and more lately. It's really nice because there is never any competition with her. She's all about getting the best product to our customers, and she is very efficient when doing this. I never feel like what I share with her will be used against me later. She also always shares her ideas with me and is a great collaborator. She's also not afraid to tell me that something is fucked up, and I need to start over. It's very refreshing. Since I'm one of those weirdos that can never say these things to someone face-to-face, I had to say them here. Thanks Sukie! If you ever try to mention this post to me in person, I will act like I have no idea what you are talking about. ;)

Now, do any of you work with people like this or are they all bitches?

An Eastwickean Dinner

I know some of mine and Sukie's friends are healthy eaters. I'm just curious as to what else all of you eat. I've got my extra calcium, vitamins, and minerals covered tonight. I'm having Baked Cheetos now with added calcium. Gotta have those strong bones, ladies.

I'm washing those healthy Cheetos down with a little vitamin and mineral infused Diet Coke. Ahhh. The vitamin and mineral laden bubbles are tickling my tummy as we speak. What are you guys having for dinner tonight? BTW, Jessie, I apologize for my dinner. I know you are a healthy kind of gal. Maybe I should buy your book...

The Book of Bubba, etc.

Today I was driving to work and got behind a man with a big ole sticker across his back windshield that read, "God, Guns, and Guts Made America. Let's keep all 3!"

I had forgotten in my religious lapse all about the Book of Bubba Joe, which tells the story of Bubba Joe, who, after spitting out some chew, saw the face of God, and heard his voice emanating from the puddle: "Bubba Joe, set my people free!" And then God turned Bubba's cigar into a gun and told him, "Buck, up Bubba: Be a Man! Fight for your freedom from the unholy Brits, and I will smite them!" And then Bubba shot as many damn Britains as he could, spilling their bloody guts all across the soils of the land. And happy with Bubba's shooting and the sacrifice of the bloody guts of the Brits, God did smite all the rest of the Britains, and that is how America was made: God, Guns, and Guts.

You know, if my family had never moved South, I would probably still go to church at least once a week. I might even still pray. I might even be able to hear the name "Jesus" without rolling my eyes.

But they did, and I don't. Here's the thing: people in the South tend to shove religion down your throat until you are practically gagging on Jesus. All that damn witnessing and saving and the damn religious tracts (like the awful one about the dog who's going to be killed by the dog-catcher until Billy prays hard enough and the dog is saved) only made me more anti-religion. All that talk of "knowing Jesus," all that "Jesification," just made me stop going to church. It turned me off to Jesus. And it's sad, really; it's not Jesus' fault. It's his crazy followers.

(I particularly enjoy this religious tract about what happened to the dinosaurs.)

I Hate Community Bathrooms

We have to share a bathroom on our floor. We share it with all of the ladies on the floor and customers. There are four stalls. Three of the stalls are teeny, tiny stalls. They are only for people like the Olson twins. I'm not a large gal, but I do find it difficult to squeeze my curvy booty through that little stall door. This means that most of us try to use the giant, spacious handicap stall. I know it's not right. Technically, it's like parking in the handicap space when your healthy ass can park farther away. Hogging the handicap stall does not come without a price. Since ALL of the ladies use that stall, it gets a little funky. Why are ladies funky in the bathroom? If anyone knows the answer to this, please fill me in. I digress. I venture into my spacious stall this afternoon only to find that it smells like three day old trout that has been left on the counter. Ewww! So, in honor of Ms. Fishy Pants, whoever she may be, here is a little cartoon.

Appropriate?

People in Eastwick worry about selling beer on Sunday, selling vibrators within the city limits, and tattoo parlors being too close to churches and schools. I saw this sign today, and I just have one question. What the fuck, people? It doesn't help that I just finished watching the True Hollywood Story about "bad" teachers and their students. I'm now dying to know what type of business this is. I'm going to do a little sleuthing and get back to you guys on this one.

O'Doyle Rules!

If any of you have ever seen Billy Madison, then you will know what I am talking about. The ass wipe that was giving so much trouble at work has been conquered...for now. I can't get into the details, but let's just say, "O'Doyle Rules!" O'Doyle would be me. :)
I'm not sure if his arrogance will get the best of him again. That is why I say he's been conquered for now. I do think he is a little weary and scared of me, though. Sucka! Also, stay tuned for a really bad sign that I saw in Eastwick. I'm trying to get the photo off of my phone.