Ah, Sukie, now...Part Deux

So…for Jessie’s benefit, here’s an elaboration (at least I hope I explain this in a way that makes some sense):

Our office, in an attempt to appear less bigoted (which is kind of a joke anyway, but whatever…), formed a committee designed to train the staff about issues related to diversity. The goal was to educate our fellow co-workers about different types of people and to promote tolerance at work. Well, in an attempt to reach this goal in our extremely conservative, Southern work environment, we (the committee) addressed all sorts of people and issues. I’m talking we did discussions and seminars on different races, religions, ethnicities, etc.

Wonderful, right? Sure. Until...(dum, da, dum, dum) the committee attempted to discuss the issue of homophobia. Note: We were very careful. Our information was strictly informative in nature: this is what homophobia is. We did not push any “agenda” on anyone. We did not attempt to persuade anyone that homosexuality is good, ok, or preferable (not that we happen to think it’s bad, but we know our audience well enough to stick to what we think we can actually accomplish. We know we are not going to convince these people that homosexuality is not a mortal sin, but we just want to try to get them not to hate people/discriminate against them based on sexual preference).

Anyway…so, the president of the company vetoed our session on homophobia…in part based on a PowerPoint presentation in which we defined the terms “heterosexism” and “homophobia.” Well, the committee reconvened to discuss the veto, and little Miss Frizzy Head looks at the PowerPoint slide with part of the definition of “heterosexism” on it, and says, “Actually, I, too, am offended by the fact that you think it’s wrong I assume that everyone is heterosexual. I mean, it's my assumption, you can't say it's wrong.”

And that is when I lost my cool. A) because that’s not what it said/ meant (never did anything we created say anything was "right" or "wrong" and B) because it is wrong.

And so I lunged across the table, and said, “That’s not what it says! That is not even the issue up for discussion.” (Because--remember--I cannot control myself anymore, apparently--i never intended to lunge or shout; it just happened)

And then she attempted to respond with some nonsense, and I didn’t even let her get it all out before shouting again, “It’s not OK. It’s not OK for you to assume I am a heterosexual. You don’t know me! You don’t know who or what I am! Maybe I have a girlfriend! Maybe I have a wife! By definition, if you assume I am a heterosexual, you are heterosexist. That’s the definition!”

And then, she said, “But it’s wrong…”

And then, according to Alex, I pushed an imaginary piece of paper across the table and sat back, and said “And that’s the problem with this place” and crossed my arms (According to Alex I do this in meetings all the time now...and thanks to her, I have just now realized that I have this habit of giving people imaginary pieces of secret paper).

I don’t know how to get my cool back…I at least used to be able to hold my tongue 'til later...but lately I just shout out whatever is in my head--like Tourette's, only not.

Yesterday, I couldn't stop myself either--in a different meeting, with a different committee, the committee leader kept insisting that Ms. Flaky was on our committee, and I was all, "She's not. She hasn't been to a meeting in forever." To which she responded, "She came to one." Could I stop there? No. So then, I say, "Yeah, once in two years. Great." Seriously. I can't shut myself up. Not even a little. And now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I pushed that imaginary piece of paper across the table then, too.

What am I going to do?

Ah, Sukie, now...

Y'all: I am losing my mind...and my job may go with it.

I've always been...well, bitchy...but people kept saying I'd grow out of it.

I swear, it ain't got nothing to do with being young and hot-tempered because I am getting worse. I used to at least be able to hold my tongue. But my tongue is just on the loose these days. I can't even shut myself up sometimes.

Today, in a meeting, I lunged across the table at a woman...yes, lunged...literally...as in my whole body moved, and Mr. Vomit got all tense and someone else had to leave the room.

Wanna know what Alexandra did? Bitch laughed at me...quietly on the inside while cutting her eyes at me...egging me on.

When I lose my job and can't pay the mortgage, I'm moving in with her. Good thing she likes me.

Unbelievable...but a Relief

You guys know that Sukie and I hate it here in Eastwick. Here is another reason why we hate it. It turns out that the media screwed up, and Mr. Bitchford's friend's mom was the third person shot at the home, and she is ALIVE! Can you believe the local media dropped the ball on this? They actually showed a photo of Mr. Bitchford's friend when she was young, and she was standing with her mother. They got the wrong photo! I'm very grateful that she survived. We've decided to just give her some space and send a nice card. I want her to know that we are thinking of her, but I don't want to be intrusive.

Update

I didn't feel like typing much last night, so I thought I would give you an update. Mr. Bitchford works with this woman, and he was coming in from lunch yesterday when she was in the parking lot with another employee. She was on her cell phone. Her mother had been shot, and her mom called her first. It turns out that the woman's grandparents were going through a nasty divorce, and the mother was at the house. The mother's own father killed both of his adult daughters, and then he turned the gun on himself. I don't know if Mr. Bitchford's friend was on the phone when her mother passed or not. The woman didn't have any family she was close to except for her mother and her aunt. I'm actually at a loss for words or actions. I feel like I should do something for her, but I don't know what. If anyone has some good advice or suggestions, please comment. Please keep this woman in your thoughts and/or prayers.

Sad Days

A friend of Mr. Bitchford's lost her mother in a shooting this afternoon. Make sure you tell someone how much he/she means to you tonight. More later...

I'm Addicted to The Hills

Yes, I can admit it. I'm addicted to The Hills. I stay up past my bedtime every Monday, and I wait to see if Heidi will finally pull Lauren's hair weave out. This week featured Heidi's no top lip, scummy boyfriend's sister. She saw Lauren in a bar, and I just knew she was going to throw down, BUT...nope. Damn! Don't even get me started with the spineless Audrina. Girlfriend saw her boyfriend kissing someone else in a bar...right in front of her! Where Sukie and I are from, if you see something like this, bitch will have her hair wrapped around your hand and have her face planted firmly in some gravel. Spineless Audrina decides to leave in the same car with the Jordan Catalano wanna-be (remember him?). She breaks up with him later, but that doesn't really count anymore. To add to my shame, the show ended with a little ditty by Frente. It took me back to my younger days. I then realized that every teeny bopper in town will now be rocking to my blast from the past. The dumbasses won't even realize that it's not new! Why do I watch this again? Is there anyone else out there addicted to The Hills? Please say yes and free me from my shame.

A Vulgar Thanksgiving

First, I must say that I had a great Thanksgiving. We got together with some of our honorary bitches and had a great feast. My parents joined us this year, and they were a hoot. They keep surprising me the older they get. My mother never drinks, and she had had two small glasses of wine before dinner. She all of a sudden bursts out with this statement. "I didn't know what a cunt was until I was married!" She then giggles, and then my dad just starts cracking up. Through the years, I've learned that my parents will occasionally blurt shit like this out, so I wasn't too embarrassed. My dad decides to give one of our hosts a bit of advice. I forget what the subject was, but this was his response. "Do you know what you do if someone throws a bucket of shit on you? You throw a bucket of shit right back at them." OMG! The evening ended with my dad telling bad jokes and watching football. My mother migrated to our hosts' couch and tried to take a nap. Oh yeah, and everyone was farting the place up. All in all, this was a great beginning to my holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Bitches!

This piece is titled "Cranberry Stuff." Enjoy!

Hot Tails--ooh, ooh!

So...Alex and I were out shopping the other day...when we were almost mowed down in a parking lot by this SUV.

Yes, that does say "HOTTAILS Tanning."

Come on, laugh with me--you know you want to...

The Best Present..Ever!

You know how every year there is one present that you can't wait for the recipient to open? Well, this year that prize is going to our friends' son who is 18 months old. My girlfriend runs her own business from home, and she has been trying to look for some sort of a desk for her son to sit at. Mind you, I don't think kids sit at tables and desks this early, but I could be so wrong because I don't have one. Anyway, Mr. Bitchford was walking the dogs the other day, and I got a frantic phone call. "Quick! Bring the truck down to old lady Esther's house! Her kids have cleaned out her storage barn, and there is the coolest, tiniest, old school desk. I want it!" I jump in the truck dressed in hot pink sweat pants with "Pink" written across my ass and my purple bedroom shoes. I was a sight. I tear around the corner, and I find Mr. Bitchford and my two bitches pacing back and forth. He seriously looked like he may slay the person who tried to cross the threshold of old lady Esther's driveway. We get the tiny desk loaded up, and I get it home. We've decided that the paint is chipping some, so we are going to give it a new paint job. Our friends have a kick ass Cadillac that is black with flames on it. We've decided to make the little desk match the Caddy. I'm going to stencil the kid's name on the back of the desk. This way they can't sell it in a yard sale if they totally hate it. Ha ha! Actually, I think my friend will flip out and love it. This will be the BEST Christmas present ever. I love it when that happens. Has anyone else found THE gift?

When the Fuck Did I Get Older?

I've noticed subtle changes in myself over the past year. Mentally, it has been great. I tend to calm down to handle situations rather than immediately starting my tried and true head bobbin' "oh no you didn't" finger pointing technique of my early 20's. Don't get me wrong. I still get pissed. I might call Sukie up and have a good bitch session, and then I'll calm my ass down and fix my situation. Physically, the changes have been not so great. First of all, why the hell do your hips have to expand with age? Come on! Why can't your boobs just get bigger and perkier? Mr. Bitchford caught me in the mirror Friday morning with nothing on and my arms over my head. After he smiled (at least he still enjoys the view), he asked what I was doing. I told him that if I lift my arms above my head that my breasts look like those of a 25 year old. If I lower my arms, well...you see where I'm going with this. So, my knees creak a little more when I'm going up steps, and I'm starting to see faint lines around my eyes, but at least I still have my brain! Who am I kidding? This sucks!

Beliefs

I've been struggling with several major issues in the past few weeks. All of these are social issues and some overlap with work and our customers. Sukie and I live and work in an extremely socially conservative area. It's so extreme that the Eastwickean county and city councils have tried to run off certain businesses that they feel do not fit the town's conservative beliefs. I always feel like running away when these issues rear their ugly heads. I also think about what will happen if everyone like me runs away. Will conservative groups take over, come together, and seep even more hate out into other parts of our country? My other question is when should (if at all) your belief system take a back seat to your employer's mission? What if by staying silent you are supporting the discrimination of certain groups at your work place? Just some random thoughts for the day.

The list of annoyances continues...

32. When people write really LONG e-mails filled with completely irrelevant information and finish them up by saying, "Sorry for the long e-mail, but..."

Thanks for the apology, buddy. It totally makes up for the fact that I just wasted 10 minutes reading a bunch of drivel that has nothing to do with the point of your e-mail, which could have been summed up in two sentences.

Fred Thompson, Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?

I hope many of you have been watching all of the debates. The pubbie debates bore me and piss me off, but I feel like I need the information. Anyway, I was watching Oprah yesterday, and Fred Thompson's campaign commercial came on. He actually said, "And remember that your rights in this country come from God." What the fuck, Fred Thompson? I need an explanation. Wait! I won't get one. You know why? He was recently around the Eastwick area for a campaign stop, and a lot of people actually came out to see him. He gave his little speech, and everyone clapped politely. Then...he left! He left, and he refused to answer any questions. So, since Fred Thompson is unwilling or unable to explain his campaign slogans or his platform, then he can suck a big Democratic donkey dick.

Big New Church Expose

I received more info this morning about the Big New Church. Recently, one lone soul wrote an editorial in the Eastwick paper, and she has been raked over the coals...majorly. Her job and her family have suffered. Yes, people, her job and her family! Can you believe that? Anyway, she has been receiving emails with stories from people who have been turned away from the Big New Church. One story is as follows:

"Recently a friend shared a rather disturbing story about a visit to Big New Church. A man and his autistic 11 year old son were physically barred from entry to the Big New Church main sanctuary by a burly usher, who informed them that this was an "adults only" place.....Clandestine? certainly!"

Wow! There are others too. This one was sent by someone who had done a little research on Jim Jones' worldly possessions.

"Also the seemingly constant money raising campaigns seem cult-like.........Would Jesus wear a Rolex? or give himself a raise from his "Church Salary"? So he can live in a half a million dollar house ? with several earth destroying SUVs ?"

This email came complete with the tax notices for Jim's cars and home. Again, wow! I feel like Sukie and should take this story somewhere besides our blog, but I just can't wrap my mind around what we should do. There are more people in Eastwick who are VERY upset by the Big New Church, but it's hard to make them use their voice. Everyone in town sees what happened to this woman, so why would they take a chance? Any thoughts?

The Swear Jar is Back

I hate fucking bigots who are scared of progress and information. All of the motherfucking bigots of Eastwick can go straight to hell!

Big New Church Part 3...I think

I saw this Post Secret today, and it made me mad and a little sad. Why do people put so much faith and trust in one person who claims to have the ear of God? It's odd to me that so many people believe that God has spoken to the "chosen" few and that they must get their info through this person only. Oh, and they must pay them in order to get the holy information. This makes no sense to me at all. Do some people just need to belong to something? I come from a long line of non-believers. My great grandfather was such a non-believer that some locals refused to buy his lumber. You know what I love about this little tid bit? He could have given a shit! :) He's also the same one who would tell my dad that he shouldn't go to church because they make you leave your brain on the doorstep. Sadly, I never knew him, but I love hearing stories like this about him. I hope whoever sent that secret in is getting some help. At least this person knows not to believe all of the hype. I think Sukie and I should buy our own nice piece of land in the hills and build a church. Tax free land, baby! Hopefully we will be visiting The Big New Church this weekend. We'll keep you posted.

Something else...

that gets on my nerves:

31. Wedding ceremonies in which the officiant tells the story of woman's creation from the rib of Adam, illustrating woman's purpose in this world: to be a helpmate to man. This is generally followed up with the vows in which the woman must promise to submit to her new husband.

What a crock. Yes, Jack and I attended such a wedding ceremony this weekend. And yes, I almost choked on my laughter when the preacher declared that each must be willing to give up his/her independence and individuality to the other to become one new body in Christ. Afterwards, I looked at Jack and said, "No way in hell." He agreed. This is why he is not one of the things that gets on my nerves. (I guess that's #1 for that particular list).

Down with Wal-Mart!

Another thing that makes me mad...

30. Wal-Mart. I don't shop at Wal-Mart....mostly because in Eastwick people tailgate in the parking lot, and it freaks me out.

But today, I watched that documentary about the cost of Wal-Mart, and now I hate Wal-Mart even more. Evidently, I have to help pay for Wal-Mart's employees' health care...amongst other things. This does not make me happy.

In general, I prefer small, family-owned stores to giant conglomerates anyway, and I've always seen Wal-Mart as kind of evil, but now I have actual facts and figures to back up my stance.

They really are evil--right down to their union-breaking tactics to keep their workers underpaid and overworked. Wal-Mart might be the worst thing about America.

Forums

I need some advice from my fellow bitches. There are several forums that I waste my time in on a daily basis. I usually just talk to a few people or comment on the less controversial subjects. Once in awhile I'll want to have a little fun and get under someone's skin. I REALLY got under this one Eastwickean's skin, and he got mad and called me an itchy cunt. Hehe! It doesn't make me mad or upset, but I still need some advice. Do you respond with something wonderful and witty or do you leave it alone? My decision was to leave it alone because it didn't really bother me. For those of you who frequent forums, what is your opinion?

One more thing...

that gets on my nerves...

29. 1 in 4 homeless people in this country is a military veteran. In contrast, they only make up about 11% of the general population. Think about that for a minute--let it sink in. Amazing, isn't it, how supporting the troops is only cool so long as they're at war? What about when they come home? Does the yellow ribbon on the back of an SUV help them then? Is it a little hypocritical that people claim I don't "support my troops" because I'm a Dem, but those same people support ending public assistance programs that could help the homeless--25% of whom are former American military members??

A Bitch Done Changed Her Mind

I just caught a snippet of Duane "Dog" Chapman on Fox News. Dumb ass! Complete and total blubbering, stupid, greedy dumb ass. Here are a few things he said. "If I could kill myself and be forgiven, then I would." Really? What the fuck ever. I don't believe that. Here's another. "I thought I was cool enough in the black community to be able to use that word brother to brother." Ummm...last time I checked this guy was not black. Hmmm. I will still miss his lovely wife Beth teetering around on her stripper heels.

8 things...

I'm doing a theme...you know for NaBloPoMo and stuff. It has nothing to do with fact that I'm totally PMS-ing--nothing at all! ;-)

More things that make me want to scream...

21. Websites where every link opens in a new window.

22. My cable company. They switched my account number for some inexplicable reason in September...without notifying me. Then, they turned off my services for nonpayment because the money went to the old account number. Then, they couldn't figure out how to transfer the money from the old account, which was closed btw, to the new account. Then, they shut my services off again. Then, my bill magically went up by $15 for no good reason. Oh, but wait, she tells me...this is your new bill--since you transferred your account, so November is different. What? I didn't just magically transfer my account. I moved...in JUNE, so in June, I transferred my account to a new address, but I did NOTHING in October. She tells me I transferred the account on Oct. 9th. To what did I transfer it??? A more expensive account??? Seriously. What the hell?

23. Poor Leadership. Some people just aren't meant to be leaders. But people keep putting them into leadership roles--with no training! Why, oh why, do they do this???

24. People who are amazed by the least amount of initiative or the smallest display of intelligence. For example, this committee I'm on has had dwindling membership--mostly because of poor leadership. So the other day, I got fed up and said, "We need to recruit some new members." When that evidently did not spur our fearless leader to action, I e-mailed a bunch of people, asking them to join. When I was done, I e-mailed the committee to let them know I had gotten 3 new members. Leader's response: "Wow! How did you manage to do that?" By typing into the computer: "Would you join this committee with me?" Geez--how hard is it? Why don't I just take your job, huh?

25. Cable Company Appointment times. Whenever they have to come out to do some work (which happens ALL the time now), they ask, "Will you be home between 8 and 12 on Wednesday morning?" And every time I want to say, "No. I work for a living. Who the hell is home from 8-12 on Wednesday morning?"

26. Women over ten who wear clothes embroidered with Disney cartoons. Have you met my friend Stacy London? You should. That's a definite fashion faux pas. (Thank you, Mrs. Flax, for reminding me just how annoying this really is)

27. Stupid ring tones.

28. People who write checks at the grocery store. It's the 21st century--join it. We use debit cards, now--same thing, only faster. Stop holding up the line!

WTF, lady?

A woman who works in another division of my company has lost her mind. She has been chair of a committee for a few years now. It seems that I have magically been added to said committee. WTF? I asked my supervisor if this was something I should be doing, and she said no. I emailed the woman back, and she acted like she didn't understand what I meant. How can you not understand the following...
Dear dumb-ass,
Get your head out of the clouds. I'm not on your unorganized committee!
Peace out,
Alexandra

I'm still on the list! We'll see how long this lasts.

10 More Things...

that get on my nerves...

11. When people hear a word they like and latch on to it for about a month, using it every chance they get. For example, Mr. V. won't stop talking about the impetus for things. Every other sentence contains the word impetus. It is very annoying--I'm not even sure he knows what it means. Last month his favorite word was folk, as in "These folk have taught us much about sales." Is that supposed to make him sound down home? He's from NY.

12. When people use words like diad. Who says, "You'll form several diads and one triad for this activity." Why wouldn't you just say, "Get into pairs and one group of three."? Sarsly. Who says diad?

13. When Daylight Savings Time ends...I am so tired. I hate this sh*t.

14. When people use far too many metaphors in a short period of time. Dude...just say what you mean--we'll all get it. I swear, we will.

15. When adults still try to "fit in" as if they're still in high school. Give it up already--you're never gonna be the "cool kid." Love yourself.

16. When people tell you to do things that make no sense and can't even clarify when asked what it is they want you to do. For example, workshop coordinator today: "List the theoretical realities of this project." What?? Theoretical realities??? That's a total oxymoron. So we asked for an explanation and an example...he couldn't give one. Super annoying.

17. When parents pretend the screaming child in the shopping cart isn't even there. I hear him; I know you hear him. Shut him up, or leave him at home if you don't know how.

18. When Tom Cruise talks on TV.

19. When the toilet paper in the employee bathroom won't roll out of the locked holder. There's no way to get it out! So you just have to walk up three flights of stairs to another bathroom.

20. When people put you on speakerphone without warning you first.

10 Random Things...

that get on my nerves...

1. People on cell phones (anywhere where I can see and/or hear them--anywhere).

2. People who ask, "When are you guys getting married?" (Never, bitch, leave me alone.).

3. People who say, "You'll change your mind/attitude/opinion when you get older" (No, I won't--if anything, I keep getting bitchier and crankier with each passing year. And I still don't want kids).

4. Door-to-door bible-thumpers (Yes, I do know Jesus--I met him last night after eating some strange mushrooms. He told me to order that new coat I want from VS).

5. Telemarketers, especially those who call during dinner time (I'm eating spaghetti, bitch, I do NOT want to buy whatever you're selling!).

6. Chain e-mails, especially those which threaten me with 7 years of bad luck (It can't get any worse--please stop sending them).

7. The poor guy on the bike at the gas station who begs for cigarette money (He makes me feel sad inside, and I don't want to give him any cash, but I do anyway).

8. People who refuse to use all capital letters in e-mail--or people who insist on using all caps in e-mail (Go back to kindergarten bitch! Remember what capital letters are for? Good. Use them. If not, well...Darwin had a theory...).

9. Drama Queens (I have enough going on, thank you).

10. People who stand too close to me in grocery stores, department stores, or at the bank. (If I can reach out and touch you but don't know you, you are too damn close. Move, or I seriously might hit you. Really, I probably will).

In Dog We Trust

I'm sure most of you have heard about this. Duane "Dog" Chapman, star of his own A&E show, was outed by his son as using the n-word (and just nasty language in general). A&E has yanked his show indefinitely. Dog is also known for being very spiritual and trying to do right by God and his family. The few times I've watched that show I have also noticed a framed and signed photo of George W., so we all know that means he has good morals. ;) I listened to the phone conversation between Dog and his son. First let me say, I don't feel what he said is right. Second, when you are a public figure, you are going to be held to a different set of standards. Period. You give up the right to say things in the privacy of your own home and regret them later. Don't get me wrong. You can do it, but the public will find out. I don't think A&E should have yanked his show. I feel like the public should have the right to choose whether or not it wants to watch anymore. If the majority is truly offended and upset by what he said, then the show will tank anyway. What if there is a situation going on between Dog and his son that we don't know about? It doesn't make it right to use such a term (in my opinion), but it could explain his lapse in judgement. Should the public forgive and move on?

P.S.

I have to give a shout out to his fabooblous wife, Beth. Go Beth with your giant-ass hair and clear stripper heels!

Big New Cult

I opened up the morning paper today and out slid the Faith & Values section. Yes, I said the Faith & Values section. The entire front page of this section is dedicated to the Big New Church (I hereby dub it Big New Church because it needs a name, and Jessie has already vetoed McAnything).

At the top it provides an explanation--some background as to why this is such an important story (all names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent and/or stupid):

"In last Sunday's paper, Next to Eastwick University Professor Smart Man criticized the billboard advertising campaign of Big New Church, and the article generated many comments, both pro and con, from readers. The Eastwick News offered Big New Church pastor Jim Jones an opportunity to respond to Mr. Smart Man's essay, but the offer was declined."

In light of Alexandra's research, which indicates Pastor Jones refuses to speak to anyone outside the congregation, this isn't surprising. We've learned he delegates all communication and ministry outside the actual rock concert that is his sermon to assistant pastors, secretaries, etc, letting members of his brain-washed flock speak for him. But this time, not even a lowly congregation member offered to go on record to defend the church's aggressive and controversial big money recruitment strategy. Not one.

I kind of wish Alex and I were heading over there this morning--I'm sure the sermon will be interesting. There's nothing like a little perceived persecution to help strengthen the brainwashing of a cult.

Another picture for fun...I call this Church of Rock with a Really Cool and Expensive Sports Car on the Big Expensive Stage--think that's Pastor Jones' car??

Little Boxes on the Hillside...

Here's a little more information to share about the church experiment. Below you will find the first email I sent and the response from the Follow-up Coordinator.


Me: "A friend of mine is a member of your congregation, and she recently suggested I check out your website or come for a visit. I was hoping to get in contact with Jim. I recently read a blog entry of his, and I would like to find out some more information. Thank you for any and all help."


Coordinator/Cult-leader assistant: "Thank you for your email. I would love to answer any questions that you have. With a larger church it is impossible for Jim to handle all of the email. We try to help him out with that. So let me know how we can help you!! God Bless and have a great day."


Ok. She was pretty nice. She spelled my name wrong in the email, and it is NOT a hard name. Whatever, though. I wasn't giving up. I had never heard of a church where you couldn't meet the pastor. So, being the sneaky bitch I am, I tried again.


Me: "Thanks for the fast response. If I attend a Sunday service, will it be possible to meet Jim? My friend had invited me to Easter service, and I was unable to come. I'm new to the area, and my husband and I have been looking for a church to join."


Coordinator/Cult-leader assistant: "I am sorry Jim is not going to be able to meet with you. He does not meet personally with anyone. If you would like more information, I can mail you an informational packet."


Maybe I'm just out of the religious circle, but is this normal? Shouldn't people be a little more friendly and open to others visiting their church? Yes, I lied. I'm not new to the area, and Mr. Bitchford and I are NOT looking for a church to join. We'll keep you guys updated. Our plan right now is to try and visit it in two or three weeks. Below you will find a picture of a service. And, yes, I know it looks like a rock concert. Amazing.

A New Kind of Wine-in-a-Box

While shopping in a store here in Eastwick yesterday, Alexandra and I came across something quite interesting: mini-boxed wine. It's like juice boxes--of wine.

On a business trip this summer, Mr. Vomit announced to all of us colleagues that he regularly drinks red wine from a straw--inserted straight into the bottle--at home--alone on his couch.

Alexandra and I contemplated purchasing the wine juice boxes as a congratulatory gift for him. We'd take it to his office with a post-it: Congrats!

We'd have done it, too. Except the joke (or Mr. Vomit) didn't seem worth the $7.99 it costs to purchase two mini-wine boxes.

NaBloPomo

Did you know November is National Blog Posting Month?

In the spirit of the month, you're supposed to try to post at least one entry a day for every day in November.

Between the two of us, I'm sure Alex and I can do it.

Let's see...

PS: Blog commenters, I turned off the comment moderation thing. It was an accident. You can stop calling to complain now.

The Sukie and Alex Experiment

We have several giant McChurches in Eastwick. I'll just get straight to the point. These places freak me out. I grew up in a Baptist church. It was fairly basic. You came to service on Sunday morning, you brought your covered dish for lunch, and then you ate lunch with all of your friends. The youth group would do some community service, and then we would go on our annual trip together. These new churches don't seem to operate like that. I've been doing a little research on our biggest one. I emailed the membership committee. YES, I said membership committee. You have to take a class, pass the test, and then review the membership contract before becoming a member. I'm not sure if it costs anything or not. I forgot to ask. This place also has TWO ATM machines in the lobby (which looks more like a civic center). Apparently the preacher/pastor does some crazy shit. He has been known to fly through the air in a harness and wear t-shirts that say things like, "God is watching you download that porn!" I dove a little deeper into my research and decided I needed to meet this man. I called, and I was told that NO ONE sees him. The robot lady offered to set up an appointment with one of the assistant pastors. I then asked why I could not see him. She told me that he didn't have time to speak to just everyone. I guess I'm not one of God's worthy children. Before anyone gets offended, remember that I am talking about this one church in particular. Yes, all of the McChurches make me weary, but I am only bashing the one I have some experience with. And, yes, I'm going to attend service to see for myself. So, this brings me back to our experiment. Sukie and I are going to church! We're even thinking of running down front, waving our arms, and begging to be saved. I've been told that this happens every Sunday. I'm curious about where they take you. I bet I'll have to hand over a credit card first. Hmmm. Expect an update within the next few weeks.

Sigh...

Mr. Vomit stole my idea...
and got a raise...
and a promotion...
and a shiny award from the big, big, BIG bossman.

I don't really want a raise, a promotion, or a shiny award.

But I really hate thieves.

That is all.

Questions

Who decided that giant inflatable yard decorations are cool?

Why did all my neighbors have to jump on the bandwagon?

Now that Halloween's past, should I expect the pumpkins to be be replaced by giant undulating turkey blow-ups?

Christmas will be even worse, won't it?