2008 Windin' Down

I decided to dig through my 2008 posts and pick the best one. I was thinking that I couldn't possibly narrow it down, but then I found the post about Patricia. Remember her? She was the Avon lady that wouldn't get out of my fucking way last January. Here's a blast from the past. Enjoy!

Damn, Patricia

Update on the Mental Dick (Thanks, Jessie!)

I've started throwing my mental dick around for some practice. This just might work out. Here are two examples.

1. A "friend" on Facebook sent me a message that he was smoking a joint, and then he followed this up with some other weird crap about hippies and dirt. He's 35. 35! Normally, I would have said grow the fuck up, or I would have ranted and raved. I swung my mental dick around, and I deleted his dumb, stoned ass. No message. Just rejection.

2. I was craving a Diet Mountain Dew, so I ran up to the gas station. I was standing in line with my new red bedroom shoes on (this is Eastwick), and a woman tried to break in line. Normally, I would have either rolled my eyes, or I would have ranted and raved. Instead, the cashier finished with her customer, and I just stepped directly in front of the woman and paid for my drink. I didn't give her a nasty look. I didn't call her a bitch. I just paid for my fucking drink and left.

The men are probably wondering why this is such a new thing for me, and I have no explanation for you nor do I really owe you one. It just is. See! I swung it around again! Ha ha!

Be More of a Dick

I've decided on a New Year's resolution. I usually don' t do these unless there is something I really want to work on. I've decided to stop reacting to people like a southern woman. Southern women tend to shoulder the blame, and they worry about how their actions will make others feel. They do these things so much that they begin to worry and tend to forget about themselves. I fall victim to worrying about people who don't really give a shit about me. I also tend to be loyal to them, even when they have never returned the loyalty. Weird, huh? I guess I can thank my southern mother for that one.

I'm going to change my attitude, specifically at work. I'm going to work like a man. No feelings. No loyalty (except for Sukie because she's my bro, yo). If a decision needs to be made, I'm just going to fucking make it. If someone gets hurt, we'll then they should grow a set. I will know that I've reached my goal when someone says, "Man, she's really a dick." That's what people say about the successful men at the company. I think I'm already on my way. The president of the company has decided that I work well with the person he describes as the following..."I think you work well The Taskmaster. She leaves casualties behind, but she gets the job done. I would like you to work with her on more projects for the upcoming year." Any pointers?

The Poot Pillow

My nephew received a whoopie cushion in his stocking this year. I believe he called it a poot pillow. Anyway, it made Mr. Bitchford think of this time that I farted in K-Mart, and he couldn't stop laughing. It was pretty fucking funny, so I thought I would share with you all. First of all, no one goes to K-Mart in Eastwick. They all go to Wal-Mart, which is why I was at the K-Mart in the first place. I was in the face wash aisle, and Mr. Bitchford was two aisles over. There was no one around, and I had bent down to examine the Oil of Olay line of beauty products. I let a giant, loud, and stinky fart rip. As I looked up, there was a horrified woman staring at me from the end of the aisle. I hadn't seen her before. I did what any sane person would do in this situation. I looked at her and said, "Ewww. You're gross." I turned around, and Mr. Bitchford was at the other end of the aisle. He was doubled over with laughter. I walked towards him and whispered, "Just fucking walk away...fast." So, I left that poor soul on the beauty aisle, and she had to lay claim to my rank ass fart. Sorry.

Christmas Carnage

There really wasn't any. We burned up the road, which explains why I haven't been around. We somehow managed to book a room in the mountains on the coldest fucking day of the year. It was still fun, though. I also went a little crazy with the gas fireplace in the room. I managed to crank it up so high that we ran the AC on the coldest day of the year in the mountains. Oh well, it was a good excuse to walk around naked. We had a creepy "Stephen King" moment. We arrived at our room, and there was a giant German Shepherd that wanted in. He belonged to the innkeepers. I closed the door, and he started pawing at it. We went to grab something to eat after that. I told Mr. Bitchford that if we came back and Cujo was sitting in the middle of the bed, then I was leaving.

We finished off Christmas with my family. I think the highlight was my nephew announcing, "I wasn't even good this year, and Santa came anyway!" Sukie came over last night, and we finished off the rest of the white lighting and called it a night. Good times, good times.

My new dog is a sex addict

I have never seen a female dog masturbate--until now. And I am not talking about humping to show dominance. I am talking about giving herself an orgasm. And yes, I am sure that's what she's doing. It took me a while to figure it out, but that's definitely what she's doing.

She usually starts by licking her private parts. Then, she gets really excited, shoves one or both of her paws down there, and starts humping her paws. And then...if I don't interrupt her, she...ahem...finishes, and pants for several minutes as she winds down.

Yes, my dog is maturbating--frequently. And no, I am not happy about it.

Weird Weather

Eastwick is having the weirdest weather. It was 70 and sunny today. Shouldn't it be cold? It's December! I was able to take advantage of my new storm windows, though. So, it's snowing in Vegas, but it's 7o in Eastwick. Can I give a shout out to Al Gore? Seriously, the weather is completely fucked up. On top of everything else, it's fucking with my health. My allergies do not like the constant temperature changes. Maybe I should move to Arizona. Isn't that where people with bad allergies go? I hate the heat, though. Maybe I should move to Savannah, GA and just stay drunk all of the time. Did you know you can carry open containers around Savannah? Well, you can. I digress. This weird weather has really made me reevaluate where Mr. Bitchford and I might move to within the next two years. I doubt we'll stick around Eastwick forever, but I am a southern girl at heart. I love being close to the mountains and the beach; however, if it keeps snowing in Vegas and being unseasonably warm in Eastwick, then who knows where we'll end up. Any suggestions?

Best Bumper Sticker Ever

Mr. Bitchford just called me to tell me about a hilarious bumper sticker. It said, "If you're going to ride my ass, the least you could is pull my hair." What's the best one you've ever seen?

Dear Professor New Jersey,

You suck ass! I just finished a grad course, and I did well. I'm still pissed, though. The professor was useless and never gave me feedback on my work. I did receive two major paper grades, and both were an A. Grades should have posted last night, but I still didn't have a grade showing this morning. I emailed Professor New Jersey (that's where he is from, and he said this at EVERY class meeting), and I asked him why my grade wasn't posted. He told me that I had earned an A, and my participation all semester long had put me in that group. What? I never received a participation grade, so how would I know this? Also, both of my papers were A work, so why didn't those put me in that group? I know. Why am I upset when I earned a good grade? Because he's a piece of useless shit. He never gave me feedback. He required these ridiculous assignments that he never graded. He would run them through some sort of grading software. All of the comments were generated by a computer. And, my grade still hasn't posted! Fucker.

Update: The Peroxide Queen Let Another One Bite the Dust

You guys remember the Peroxide Queen and her VD man that she met online? Well, they were set to be married next year. He had already moved in with her, and she was flashing her diamond to everyone at work. I heard her talking to someone in the break room about pornography. They were trying to decide if the VD man had "crossed the line" or not. I was thinking to myself, "If you have to ask that question, then you probably think he's crossed a line." They spotted me and opened up their pornography gossip circle, so I joined them. Turns out that he had over $10,000 worth of pornography, plus he had a locked room in her house. Excuse me? Locked room in your house? Who the hell lets some strange man from the Internet move in and lock a room in her house? Anyway, he also had his own phone line. He wouldn't let her see anything on his computer. One would think that someone giving you a sexually transmitted disease would be the wake up call, but it took the locked room and the pornography to wake her dumb ass up. She kicked him out. It wouldn't surprise me if she takes him back. We'll see.

Question to Ponder

I was reading Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, which I highly recommend, and I came across a quote about prayer. I've already turned the book back in, so I can't quote it directly, but it was alluding to the fact that prayer is just another way to worry. She also touches on how true prayer is carried out through deeds. I just found this fascinating, especially since I live in Eastwick where strangers always want to pray for you. This always makes me uncomfortable because prayer seems like it should be a very private thing. Anyway, what do you guys think? Is prayer just another type of worry?

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

My tree of elves' heads. Isn't it weird and great all at the same time?

My Santa that looks alarming like the Oak Ridge Boy with all of the hair.

My favorite "new" ornament. He also looks alarmingly like that hairy Oak Ridge Boy. Maybe there's a theme?

Eastwickeans and Religious Beliefs

I received an email yesterday. It was one of those annoying mass emails about Christmas. I've copied and pasted it for you.


*Twas the month before Christmas*
*When all through our land,*
*Not a Christian was praying*
*Nor taking a stand.*
*See the PC Police had taken away,*
*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*
*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*
*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*
*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*
* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*
*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*
*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*
*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*
*Something was changing, something quite odd! *
*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*
*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*
*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*
* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*
*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*
*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*
*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*
*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*
*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*
0A
*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*
*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*
*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*
*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*
* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*
*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*
*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*
*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*
*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*
*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*
*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,
not Happy Holiday !*
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet during the
holidays a
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!
If you agree please forward, if not, simply delete.

Here's the problem. Someone that I'm supposed to be pretty close to sent this to me. Normally, I would have called Sukie, bitched about it, and deleted it. It really bothered me, though, that this person should have known me better. I knew her better. I wouldn't have sent her something from Michael Moore or Moveon.org. Before I tell you what I did, I would like to hear from any readers. How would you have responded?

Pay It Forward

Several months ago, I had been bitching about not knowing what to do with my old wedding dress. It was a beautiful dress and had only been worn once. ;) Ha! Anyway, it had been hanging in my dad's closet for years now. I spent way too much money on it, and I had the slip and the veil that matched it. A few weeks ago, my mom called. She said that a woman she worked with wanted to see the dress. The woman is getting married next year, and she needed to find a good deal on a dress. Again, my dress was expensive, so even at half price it was probably too expensive to be called a "deal." I told my mom to do whatever. I loved the dress, but where in the hell was I going to wear it?

My mom called last week and asked me what I was going to do. I said, "Give it to her." My mom took the dress to her, and she cried. She couldn't believe that I was going to give it to her. She said that she took it home for her mother to see, and her mother cried too. The mother couldn't believe that someone just gave her a dress. It felt really good. I don't really feel like I can tell anyone in real life because that would feel like bragging. I can tell the blogsphere because it's like my journal.

The lesson is to pay it forward. I still feel so good about giving her that dress. I loved the dress, but the marriage didn't really work out. I hope she enjoys it and gets the marriage too. She's going to send me a picture after the wedding. It's just a good day.

A Holiday Meme

Why? Because I can! :)

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
Mmmm...vodka.

2. Letter to Santa?
Nope, but I do like to sit on his lap. ;)

3. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?
When I was a kid, they were just under the tree. Now, they are wrapped.

4. Colored lights on your tree/house or white?
White. It's probably the only somewhat tasteful thing I do.

5. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope, but it is hanging from the high limbs of my dying oak trees.

6. When do you put your decorations up?
Day after Thanksgiving, but I was a little late this year.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
My grandparents would show up on Christmas morning with the truck loaded down with gifts from Santa. I also loved the stockings my mom put together.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
He's not real?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
YES! My sister and I have a tradition. We get each other a totally inappropriate Christmas gift every year. Last year, I received a book by Jenna Jameson called How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. I highly recommend it.

10. Can you ice skate?
Yes. I'm a regular Tonya Harding.

11. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Yep. My nephew gave me a 1950's silver Christmas tree with elves' heads all over it. It's kitschy and wonderful.

12. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I love Christmas Eve at my sister's house. Everyone is loud, happy, and tipsy.

13. What tops your tree?
Bitterness. I used to have this cool tree topper, but my ex-husband fumbled around with his stupid monkey fingers and broke it one year. Asshole.

14. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Jesus Was Born Today by the Oak Ridge Boys
Please don't judge.

Ok. I would finish this meme, but Mr. Bitchford just walked in naked, so I'm gonna go see what that's all about. Please complete the meme and share with the Bitches. Thanks!

Christmas "Child"

My sister and her husband recently sponsored a "Christmas child" from their church. The church runs some sort of program for adults who are mentally challenged. These adults were able to list three gifts they wanted for Christmas. The gifts were listed on a bag, and the church members could choose a bag. This was very similar to the Angel trees you have seen, where childrens' names are listed on gift tags. So, my brother-in-law was in charge of choosing a bag. Here is who he chose.

Name: Lincoln McMahan
Age: 61
Wishes:
A brown tam
A pair of brown zip ankle boots in a 13 wide
A pair of blue jeans size 60X30

Where in God's name they are going to find these things I will never know. I found it interesting how specific Lincoln was with his requests. I like that. I imagine that I won't be able to miss him if I see him walking down the streets of Eastwick with his tam, ankle boots, and jeans on. I'll see if my sister will take a picture of the "wishes" before she wraps them. This should be interesting.

Where did my Christmas cheer go?

I haven't been in the Christmas mood this year, and this is unusual for me. I've never had a fake tree. My family always had a real one, and I've just kept the tradition alive...until this year. I didn't have it in me to go buy a real one, drag it into the house, and deal with all of the needles drying up and falling on my floor. I knew I had to get a tree, though, because I'm too young to say that I just can't get up and down in the attic anymore. Damn. So, I went to Big Lots, and I found the perfect tree. It's pink!
I love old Christmas ornaments, especially those from the 1950's. Most of the stuff I have has the "Made in Japan" sticker stamped on it. My love of the 1950's doesn't stop with ornaments, though. I've decorated the whole house with this stuff. It makes me feel like Donna Reed gliding across my hardwood floors. So, here I was feeling like a loser because I didn't have a real tree, and the pink tree was just what I needed. It had put me back in the Christmas spirit. I do miss the smell of a real tree, so I bought a Glade plug-in that smells of pine trees. Mr. Bitchford is always freaked out by my vintage Santa Claus. He's convinced that the stuffed Santa will suddenly come to life while he's sleeping, and then he'll swift across the floors and come to his bed to smother him. Crazy, huh? I like to chase after the dogs with the vintage Santa and yell, "Ho, Ho, Ho." It always gets them riled up. Maybe I should do a video of it. Hmmm. How do the rest of you decorate?

Thanksgiving in Eastwick

Mr. Bitchford and I hosted Thanksgiving this year. It was a small crowd that consisted of us, my parents, and Sukie. Everyone brought something, so we didn't have to cook everything. I don't like turkey, so we had a nice pork tenderloin. We did partake of the Thanksgiving-tinis and the Firefly Vodka. Both were very good.

My mother, once again, giggled and spouted out obscenities. Last year, we were at a friend's house, and she kept telling a story that involved the word "cunt." This year, she kept telling a story that involved the word "pussy." This is all very funny because my mother is not the type of woman who screams these types of words at the dinner table, much less the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Sukie had brought me a hostess gift. She brought conversation starter cards. Each card had a question, and everyone would answer the question. One question involved telling a family story that only you could tell. My dad took it upon himself to share a story about his grandfather (my great-grandfather). He said that great-grandpa Bitchford used to tell him that if the preacher came over, then make sure he stayed on great-grandma's lap until he could get back. Get it? ;) Then my mother told the story (involving the same great-grandpa) about how great-grandpa used to say that he didn't know why women didn't rule the world. We controlled the two most important things in the world (money and pussy). We had 75% of the money and 100% of the pussy. He would follow this up by stating that you couldn't wear a pussy out, and then he would ask if anyone had ever seen a pussy on a trash pile.

While I don't think the conversation starter questions had this type of exchange in mind, it was entertaining. The evening ended with everyone taking a nap and being stuffed. Overall, it was an excellent Eastwickean Thanksgiving.

Thanks-tini

My Thanksgiving day recipe:

3/4 oz. vodka or gin

3/4 oz. dry vermouth

3/4 oz. apricot brandy

1/4 oz. lemon juice

maraschino cherry

Cunt: It's What's for Breakfast

Sukie's New Bundle of Joy

I've been M.I.A. lately. It's getting closer to the holidays, and my time is getting away from me. Anyway, Sukie and I adopted some animals the other day. I adopted a beautiful white cat for my nephew. He loves him, and he keeps calling him Mouse and Christopher. Who knows. Anyway, Sukie adopted a dog. I took her picture when she picked her up from the rescue place. She wanted to send out announcements to let everyone know that "It's a girl!" I think she's tired of attending baby showers. At our age, if you do not have a baby, then no one wants to celebrate your life choices. For example, when I worked really hard and got a raise, no one threw me a shower. When I met a wonderful man and decided to live with him...no shower. If I had married him, then I would have had a shower. No one celebrates nontraditional choices. I digress. So, I decided that Sukie should register at Target. You know what? She fucking did. I don't know for sure, but I think she's sending out her announcements and letting her friends know where her new bundle of joy is registered at. I'll be curious to see if her years of financial kindness are repaid.

Bash Alexandra's Ex-Husband Contest

Well, my ex-husband just landed a job in mine and Sukie's division. He won't be on our floor or anything, but there will be times when we have to work with him. What the fuck? What in the fuck was someone thinking? Sukie thinks that most people don't even know he's my ex-husband because I was always too ashamed to tell anyone. Here's where you come in. Sukie has declared a verbal assault on him. Please comment and tell us some of the hateful things she should say and/or possibly do to him. The winner will win the satisfaction of knowing that you brightened my day with your hateful words. I guess I should look at the bright side. I'll have a hell of a lot more blogging material now.

Religion and Such

I actually heard someone say that if you voted for Obama, then you were going to hell. I found this logic odd, and a small part of me wished that I could just believe that. I don't know if this is true or not, but it appears that life is just simple for people who believe things like this. They have their beliefs and that's that. Since I was a child, I've always needed a good, solid answer. I've always wanted to think about things and analyze them...to death sometimes. I always found myself weighing all of the options. I'm not afraid to make a pros and cons list either. I don't really know how to respond to people who say things like this. I've decided that maybe I should respond to situations like this with song. I've copied the lyrics of my all-time favorite gospel song below. The next time I'm confronted by someone who I feel is using his/her religion as a weapon, then I'm gonna whip this out on 'em. What do you think? I mean, really, who doesn't love a gospel song with the word "whore" in it? Oh, and as a side note, I especially love the Wall Street reference. Carry on, now.



If they saw Him riding in,
long hair flying in the wind,
Would they love Him down in Shreveport today?

If they heard He was a Jew
and a Palestinian too,
Would they love Him down in Nashville today?

If they saw Him talk with ease
to the junkies, whores, and thieves,
Would they love Him out in Wichita today?

Would the rich men think it funny
if He said give up your money?
Would they love Him up on Wall Street today?

If He made the wine from water,
gave it to their sons and daughters,
What would the folks in Salt Lake City say?

If He talked of brotherhood
as he walked their neighborhoods,
Would they love Him up in Boston today?

If He said love those who use you,
and forgive those who abuse you,
If He turned the other cheek,
what would you say?

Would you laugh and call Him crazy,
and just send Him on his way,
If Jesus came to your town today?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

I was up very early this morning because Mr. Bitchford had to be at work. I usually get up and try to help him get ready. All of the animals go bat shit crazy, so it's not like I could sleep anyway. So, I was telling him goodbye, and we saw a truck go driving by the house. Not unusual...except, his back left tire was missing. He was only driving on the rim! He wasn't creeping down the road either. So, knowing what you guys know about Eastwick, you'll understand why I had to get in my car and follow him. Mr. Bitchford had to be at work, so I had to make sure I didn't miss anything. I followed him to a big intersection, and he made a right. He switched over to the left hand lane because we all know that you can go really fast on a rim. ;) I kept trying to get beside him because I was convinced he wouldn't have any pants on, or he would smile at me and have no teeth. Is this sterotyping the folks on Cops? Yes. Moving on...I was starting to think that maybe I was just a little nuts for finding this funny, and then my phone rang. It was Mr. Bitchford. He wanted to know what was happening and if I had gotten close enough to see if the guy had teeth or not. Oh, I love that man of mine. We are a good match.

No Communion for Democrats

Check this out. This isn't in Eastwick, but that's only because I don't think Eastwick allows Catholic churches within its city or county limits. Why is this what makes the news?

Work Crap

I was offered a new position today. Technically, it would be more of a leadership role, but I do have questions about how much authority I would really have. The way it was written made me feel like "they" were selling it to me. If it's such a wonderful opportunity, why does it need to be sold?

I really thought about taking it. I made my pros and cons list. I wrote down all of my questions. It made me realize that I would be accepting the position to please the president of my company. I know he's depending on me, but this isn't what I want to do. The last time I made a decision to please other people...well, I ended up married. It didn't work out that well, and people were hurt in the end.

I feel like I've been climbing some imaginary ladder to fucking nowhere. I'm not sure where I want to go. I do get frustrated because it feels like the kiss asses and the fuck ups get all of the credit. Is that just the way it goes?

I'll tell the president (in the morning) that I'm not taking the job. He's expecting me to take it, so I hope he isn't too upset. It just doesn't feel right. Send me some good vibes.

It's a new day!

What Looks Good to One....

does not look so good to another. A friend of mine has decided to start getting back out in the dating scene. She has a lot to offer, and any man would be lucky to get the opportunity to buy her dinner. I have a few people in mind, but I thought I would ask around. There aren't many YEPs in Eastwick. That would be a Young Eastwick Professional. So, I asked this woman if she had any single friends. She says that she has a friend who is yummy looking and very nice. Score! Well, my friend looks him up on MySpace, and he is not yummy. I know there is more to a person than looks, but there really isn't when you are just wanting to go out on the town with a hot man. I think I may have to define yummy for this other woman.

George? Yummy.



Brad? Yummy.


Taye? Yummy.


Danny Devito? Funny...maybe. Sweet...maybe. Yummy? NO!


Now I have to figure out the best way to tell her that I looked at her friend on MySpace, and this will not work out for my friend. It's official. I have no future in matchmaking.

Friendships and Politics

This has been on my mind lately for several reasons. One, Jessie at David's Doll mentioned it yesterday. Two, when you live in Eastwick, there are a limited number of people who are left-thinking. I'm friends with a lot of people who more than likely voted for McCain or would have voted for any candidate over Obama. I do think that a person can be a fiscal conservative and not look at the social issues. I do have friends like that. On the other hand, most of the "Republicans" in Eastwick just spew hate...at least the ones I have had contact with.

I have one friend who I do struggle with. I really like her because she's a lot of fun. Our friendship isn't shallow, though. She happened to be my friend when I really needed someone like her in my life. We're just very different. She attends the local mega church, and she is always inviting me. It makes me want to keep my distance. She came to visit me the other day and started talking about that "black man" that wanted to be president. This made me cringe too. I had to put up my hand and say stop. I explained that we couldn't talk about those things and remain friends. It was her choice. She chose to change the subject, thank goodness.

I guess what I'm pondering is how much is too much? Can you be friends with someone who may hold beliefs that you find downright offensive? Hmmmm.

Question

I was looking at the map today and studying the pretty blue states. Should I move to New York?

BTW, check this site out now. Nice. :)

Election Day!

Make sure you go vote today...unless you're voting a McCain/Palin ticket. ;)

We went to visit my in-laws this past weekend, and my mother-in-law had a little treat for me. I've been under major stress at work lately, and I'm just tired of listening to the typcial Eastwickean bullshit. She knew this and had a surprise ready. I went to the bathroom, on Halloween night, and I found the following.

Too funny, right? She totally made Sarah Palin a witch and put her in the toilet. I'm not sure, but I think Mr. Bitchford tried to pee on her a few times. I wonder if Sarah likes the golden shower? Hmmm.

At one point, one of the house guests decided to become Sarah.

It was a relaxing and uneventful time. I've already voted, but I'm getting ready to go to our polling place. I've got my camera ready, and I want to see if there is any action. Please report back to the bitches and let us know what you see out there today.

Share the Music

I had never heard this until today--despite the fact that Pink wrote it in 2005 and released it in '06. Anyway, I was impressed, so I'm sharing...

Swing States, Political Signs, and the Infomercial

First of all, is there anyone out there living in a swing state? I've forgotten what it's like to live in a place where I don't have to hide my political affiliation. Second, Mr. Bitchford and I are heading to a swing state on Sunday to Barack the vote. Yep! We're going door-to-door. I was surprised at how organized these people were. I was even sent an email giving me detailed directions on where to go, what to expect, and what's expected of me. I'll have to report back.

Even though I live in Eastwick, I've been pleasantly surprised at all of the Obama/Biden signs in my neighborhood. This is NOT something that you normally see here. My MIL has actually threatened to flog anyone who gets near her sign. She's even bringing it in after dark just like a person might bring in his/her puppy. So, the signs are out, but the assholes are still trying to steal them.

Finally, who watched the Obama infomercial? It was very well done, but I didn't exactly expect it to be a piece of crap. I think it was probably successful in keeping up his momentum and getting people out on Tuesday. I'll be busy getting ready for our trip, but I'll make sure to check in and let you know how it goes.

Angry Soccer Mom

Mr. Bitchford and I went to the mall yesterday. Eastwick finally got a nice anchor store (Dillards), so I wanted to check it out before it got all fucked up and dirty. We were in the parking lot, and we spotted a large SUV. This is not unusual. It had those "this is my family" stickers on the back. You know those soccer moms who put the stickers representing each family member on their cars? Some will even include names. I think this is dangerous because then total strangers know how many kids you have, whether they are male or female, and what their names are. Anyway, we noticed that something was missing on this one. Take a look.



This was with my camera phone, so it's not that great. Do you notice that dad is missing? She's gone and peeled him the fuck off! I thought it was hilarious. Now, look again. A kid is missing too! I didn't notice this, but Mr. Bitchford did. I thought this was fucking funny, and it made me giggle for most of the day. I can think of lots of reasons to peel dad off, but I'm still wondering what the kid did.

praying

Oh, Mighty FSM,
Please help Lorne Michaels find some new talent (SNL is fucked when Amy Poehler leaves after this year). I'm dying here. This is SO not funny. Also, if you could get rid of the exceptionally-not-funny digital shorts, that would be great. I need some funny. I need SNL. And I need SNL to be funny. Thanks, and...
Amen.

PS: Chris Martin (Lead singer of Coldplay),
Time to go up a size, so you don't pop a button open LIVE on national television.
Love,
Sukie

hee hee hee...Joe

See what's new! It's updated daily!
http://www.palinaspresident.us/

• Joe the Chair
• Joe the Lightbulb
• Joe Sixpack
• Joe the little man on a horse
• Joe the mauve sofa
• A note from Lorne Michaels
• Is that a dinosaur walking by the window?
• Just like the movie National Treasure (politics for dummies)
• And hello, there, Neiman Marcus & Saks!

In other words, yes, I am still amused by this...I have to do something while I'm waiting for SNL to come on...thanks, Alexandra.

Must Get Out of this Town

The Special Olympics athletes arrived in Eastwick today. The games begin in the morning. I actually saw/heard an Eastwickean look at a poster, giggle, and say, "Retards." Why am I still here? Jessie, is there room in Beaumont for The Bitches and Mustang Sally?

A Friday Funny

www.superpoop.com

ah ha ha ha

This is hysterical: http://www.palinaspresident.us/
You have to move your mouse all around the room and see that different stuff what happens or what Sarah says.

I've been playing with it for ten minutes.

Some things you have to click more than once--like to open and shut the door. I opened and shut the door like 5 times, and something different happened each time--and it was all funny.

I really like throwing a dart to choose the next kid's name: Rake! ;-)

I also like Lady Justice and her litany of "Supreme Court Cases."

And how when you knock over the trash can, Science falls out.

And if you answer the phone...

Oh, fuck it, I really like it all--it's funny!

Welcome to Eastwick

In a recent article in the online version of the local paper, a protest of civil rights violations was briefly mentioned.

Allow me to share with you some of the comments from readers regarding that article in an attempt to show you what a bigoted, racist place I live in.


Exhibit A:
The Civil Rights Act was the beginning of the end for this country. Minorities made it obvious that they would not conform to the American Way, that being work hard and provide for your family. So to meet Civil Rights the standard of living had to be lowered for everyone so that the hard working people would be closer to the lazy poor people. And the lazy poor people were given more and more money from the government. But it is never enough, they always want more. They want jobs they are not qualified for, they want into schools that they don't meet requirements for, they want the police to let them do whatever they want.
It's time for Americans to take back America.
Exhibit B:
I totally agree with you!

Exhibit C:
Well said! I couldn’t have said that better myself!

These? Are my neighbors.

To Send or Not to Send

I need help. A man that used to work with me sends me political emails all of the time. Some are funny, and some are insulting. I usually just roll with the punches. He doesn't work with me anymore, and we really weren't great friends or anything. So, he sends another this morning. It's titled This is why some people shouldn't be allowed to vote!. Then it says to send it to everyone I know! It turns out that it's a Howard Stern skit. They went on the street and asked some man who he was voting for. He says Obama. They then start to say things like so, you feel like the troops should stay in Iraq. The man responds yes. Basically, they state McCain's positions and policies, but the guy is going to vote for Obama. Ok, whatever. It's just a Howard Stern skit. It just hit me wrong, though. "Send it to everyone you know!" "This is why some people shouldn't be allowed to vote!" This kept repeating in my head. So, I typed up a message.

Dear Mr. Preppypants,

I have a question for you. Why? So that a group of people can get together and create a test for others to take to determine whether or not they are smart enough to vote? That sounds all too familiar to me, Mr. Preppypants. Do you realize it wasn't all that long ago that I wouldn't have been allowed to vote because of my gender? Do you realize if there was a test that your "group" would probably be the ones affected? As I enjoy my cup of coffee on this Sunday morning and know that it's my right to go to church or not go to church, or perhaps be able to talk freely to my partner (yes, my partner because I live with him and am not married) about my political views, well...that's America, and I love it. I don't want to move backwards.

Sincerely,
Alexandra Bitchford


So, it's sitting in my draft box. Do I send it or let it go?

Update
I could also send this.

Dear Mr. Preppypants,
Stop listening to the Howard Stern Show and start listening to Meet the Press. Colin Powell just endorsed Barack Obama.

Happy Friday, ya'll!

This is titled Dancing with the Stars.

I have Officially...

fucking seen it all now. Man names baby girl...

Facebook May be the End of Me

First of all, I love Facebook. It's fun to write things that only Sukie can understand. I keep up with my friends and family, but NO HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS. I have one high school friend that I keep in touch with and that's it. I got a friend request tonight. It's from an ex-boyfriend. It's from an ex-boyfriend that the last time I saw him was in fucking court. Why me? There was this friendly little picture of him and his new fucking baby. BTW, all of the high school people have new fucking babies, and the pictures are all over Facebook. If I didn't really like you, what makes you think I'm gonna like your stinkin' baby? I digress. This ex-boyfriend and I had a horrible relationship. It was one of those that every Friday night party would end with one of us throwing something at the other or him throwing me up against something. It was bad. I once threw a picture of his dead mother at him. It cut his eye. I was glad. I told you it was bad. The last straw was when he took my beloved dog and spray painted black dots on her to be funny. That's how we ended up in court. At any rate, why would this man ask me to be his friend on Facebook? I wanted to get all Whitney Houston on his ass and be like, "Hell to the no, motherfucker!" I clicked ignore. BTW, I swear to God that I'm not that crazy anymore. I was 19 years old and fairly drunk the entire time. Please don't judge.

Boob Tube nonsense

I was quite distraught over the demise of Holly Madison and Hugh Hefner's relationship. Make of that what you will. I don't care. I like The Girls Next Door, and I really liked Holly Madison. And I thought, like Hef, that she was in it for the long haul. That show is good laughs. IDK why. Mr. Bitchmont keeps asking, and my answer is the same every time: "I have no idea why I am so amused by this shit." Anyway...

Then, I was even more distraught to read that Hef had already moved some other gals into the house and was considering replacing Holly with...ugh, ick, yuck...Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Sisters. Twins. Now, I'm sorry, girls, but that's where I draw the line. Yup, I draw the line at sharing the rich, saggy millionaire with your 19 y/old, thieving twin (I never claimed to have stellar morals).

So...

Dear Hef,
Please move those nasty twins outta the mansion ASAP. Do not make them girlfriends. In their place, I would like to nominate Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love and I Love Money fame (she was Playboy Cybergirl of the Week once, too).
Love,
Sukie

Yes, I did just admit to knowing who Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love and I Love Money is. Don't judge me (seriously: stop!). I can't help it I find her dumb-blonde-act-hiding-an-inner-evil-bitch thing amusing. Really, she's the only reason I checked into I Love Money.

You know who else I'd like to see on TV again? Heather, also from Rock of Love. She? Was HIL-arious.

The end.

Pole Time!

Ok. Well, not that kind of pole, but I had to get your attention.

PBS Poll

We All Need Some Laughter

These cartoons come from a site called Superpoop. You've seen The Bitches post Natalie Dee cartoons, and this is Natalie's husband, Drew. These are too fucking funny not to share. Enjoy!

Palin Clears Herself

Seriously?

Here it is.

Next in The Eastwickean News, Alexandra Bitchford beats the shit out of annoying woman with funky glasses. She then goes on to clear herself with her own report. So, that makes it true. Duh!

Rachel Ray: The Corn Star

A friend brought this video to my attention. It's. Just. Funny.
Enjoy!

B.C.

A man that I worked with passed away last night. He was one of those people that was always upbeat. He would laugh loudly at my off-color jokes. If I knew B.C. was going to be in a meeting, I didn't mind going. I met him when I first entered the workforce. I was fresh meat in the workplace, and B.C. always made me feel welcome. I never met his partner, but I can't imagine how he is feeling today. I hope he has a good support system. Here's a song for B.C. You'll be missed.

The Little Willies "cover" "Roll On"
Uploaded by xavier210487

Much Ado About Nothin'

Since I'm goin' to be talkin' about Sarah Palin, I've decided to drop all of my g's. Seriously, I can't do that. It's as annoying in writing as it is on television. I haven't blogged about the VP debate because there isn't much to say. Joe Biden plugged his candidate and did a good job. He was concise and hit the major issues. Sarah Palin didn't answer one fucking question. Not one! We all kept screaming for her to just take off her shirt and show her tits. At least that would have been more of a show. How can people say she did well? Oh, she didn't completely bomb. She had some well rehearsed answers, but she said nothing. I find it annoying and condescending of her to think that I'm as simple as she speaks. I'm not that fucking simple of a person, and I don't think most Americans are. It costs a shit ton of money to fill my gas tank, lady, and calling me Joe motherfuckin' six-pack isn't helping me any. It doesn't make you like me. You're nothing like me. I'm articulate, well-read, and I can rock fucking higher stiletto heels than you can. It just pisses me off that some Americans keep saying, "Oh, she's just like me." That's crazy! Are you a fucking shallow, rehearsed parrot?

Ultimately, it comes down to Obama and McCain. It looks like it's going to get ugly here at the end, and I think Obama will come out on top. He has a clear plan for the economic crisis and the health care crisis. Yes we can!

Where Did Cock Rock Go?

I would love to find a good concert to go to. I LOVED what Mr. Bitchford calls "Cock Rock." There was no substance, but it was fun as shit. Who doesn't love 'em some nasty, tattooed men? I think I might go put on some leather pants, a bustiere, and a roach clip complete with feather in my hair and dance my Friday night away.

Who Wants to Join my Residential Posse?

I shit you not. One of our sheriff's candidates in Eastwick wants to have residential posses. I would like for our readers to please tell us what role you would like in mine and Sukie's posse. Just for the record, I will be in charge of the night stick, and Sukie will be in charge of the pepper spray. We will need a golf cart driver.

On another note, my sides still hurt from laughing at Sarah Palin last night, so I will need a day or two before I post on the VP debates.

Do Boys Ever Grow Up?

Sukie and I ride to work together, and we set out on our morning commute today. We're almost to work when an Asplundh truck packed with large, blonde men pulled up beside us. Keep in mind that we were in the left hand lane on a highway. So, the truck pulls up on the right hand side, and all of the windows are down. The driver leans out and yells something along the lines of, "Nice titties! Woo hoo!" I yell, "Fuck off!" This just riles them up. I should have known better. We finally pull into work, and I stomp off to my division. I'm waiting on the elevator, which is right beside the coffee shop. The coffee guy looks at me all funny and says, "Mmmm. I like those shoes." Eww. I finally get to my office, and I have to rush out again for a meeting, which means I have to pass the coffee guy again. I get off of the elevator, and he comes towards me. He says, "Can I ask you something?" I revert back to a self-defense class I took a long time ago. I'm standing fairly close to him when I scream, "NO!" I think he thought I was strange. Motherfucker harasses me every damn morning, and he looks at me like I'm strange. What the fuck is wrong with people? I just want to be left alone in the morning...and the afternoon...and the evening.

Tina Fey was funny...not so much everyone else...

Now, the debate sketch left a lot to be desired IMHO. I mean there was plenty of stuff they could've pulled from that debate that would've been really funny in an SNL skit. I mean, what about the whole "I have a bracelet...I have a bracelet, too" thing. That? Could've been hysterical. Think: "Mine's shiny than yours!" "I've had mine longer!" "Mine's bigger!" Whoever has the best bracelet wins the presidency! Have at it! What'll it be at the next debate? Necklaces? Actual dog tags? Earrings? So much could've been done with that. It makes you wonder if the SNL writers fell asleep during the debate.

They did nothing with John McCain's opening comment that he "hasn't been feeling "too great lately."


And what about this comedic opportunity:
John McCain: "As president of the United States, I want to assure you, I've got a pen." He then held up a Sharpie, looked at it and said, "This one's kind of old." That? Was just funny anyway? How'd they miss that one??

Or how about mocking the pronunciations? McCain, no matter how many times he tried, could NOT pronounce Ahmadinejad correctly. And Obama? Pronounces Pakistan and Taliban weird. There's definitely something SNL writers could've worked with.

Plus, there were plenty of good one-liners, that just made you go WTF? Like this one from John McCain: "I looked into Mr. Putin's eyes, and I saw three letters: a 'K,' a 'G' and a 'B.'" What? That was funny.

I mean, really, SNL...looks like without the likes of Tina Fey, you're just not funny. Time to dip back into the talent pool. I could do better than that. Seriously.
(I will, however, concede that the bit with Hillary at the end "just in case John McCain didn't show up" was pretty funny.)

I knew she couldn't pass it up...

It was almost too easy...

Blogging the Debate

John McCain's first answer of the night began with thanking everyone.

Then, he says he hasn't "been feeling too great lately."

Did anyone else think maybe he was about to admit to be knocking on death's door??

Me? I was really expecting the next thing out of his mouth to be a litany of old man ailments ala my crazy grandma: "Oh, my colon's been acting up. You wouldn't believe the shit that comes out of me sometimes! And I just can't control it. And my aching back. You have no idea the pain I feel! No idea. And I've also got these heart palpitations. My heart just gets all aflutter and I feel like I'm dying."

Then, he even made a joke about his own age to top it off: "and I've been around a long time."

Yes, John, you have. You are old. We can see that.

Why Camp McCain Keeps Sarah Away from the Press

Wow. My fave part of this interview?

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? … Instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: Ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions.

SUKIE: Oh! And world peace, that's good, too. Dumb fucking bitch.

Jokes From Grandpa Bitchford

I'm in a such a state of pissiness and anger. When I get like this, I call my dad. I asked him what he thought of all this mess. Here is his response.

"You know...Sarah Palin's gonna have to admit that she thought Russia invaded Atlanta."
This is where he laughs loudly at himself. Then he follows up with this.

"What did George W. say when he was told that Russia invaded Georgia? Damn! I always knew they wanted our peaches!"

I love him. :)

McCain is Acting like a Backstabbing 14-year old Girl!

Hopefully, everyone has heard that John McCain has suspended his campaign, and Barack Obama has decided not to suspend his campaign. McCain wants to postpone the debate on Friday, and Obama would like to move forward. Here is where it gets very "high school." In the spirit of coming together, Obama called McCain today. Obama wanted to release a joint statement that outlined a plan for the economic catastrophe that we are in the middle of. Apparently, McCain was supportive of this. It was Obama's understanding that the statement would be released together. Nope. McCain decides to release his own fucking statement and suspend his campaign. I guess he has nothing to say to me on Friday, so fuck it.

This reminds me of a bitch named Mary that I went to middle school with. She knew that I totally liked this upper class man named Blaine. She would talk about him with me and giggle. She would say things like, "Oh! He was totally looking at you during the pep rally." Mary decided that she would help me and make sure Blaine knew that I was warm for his form. You know what the bitch did? She fucking asked him out. She went behind my back, and then stabbed me in it.

John McCain is no better than that fucking Mary bitch. He acted like he was all for a joint statement, and then he tried to go behind Obama's back and fuck him over. You know what, though? I don't think it's going to work. I, for one, want to know what these two candidates think about our current situation and how it can be fixed. I'll paraphrase Obama for the conclusion. A president will have many situations going on at one time and will have to handle them all with care.

Looks like you can't manage that, McCain. There better be a fucking debate on Friday night!

Bitch is Just Stupid

I'm getting ready to change my hair color. I like to mix it up. I'm a natural blonde, but I really love dark red hair. I usually change it when fall rolls around. I can't decide whether I should go dark brown or dark red. Anyway, I was asking some ladies at work, and the office manager piped up...even though I wasn't talking to her because she's a stupid bitch. She says, "I really like you blonde because the red makes you look old." I felt like saying, "I really like you in skirts because those pants you have on make you look like a big fat turd." I didn't. I fucking hate being around her. She's always reciting bible verses to me, and on top of that, she fucks up all of my shit that I give her to do. I used to think she did it on purpose, but she's not that smart. I've noticed that she fucks everyone's shit up. Why don't they fire her, you ask? Because that's just not how they roll. Fuck!

Q & A with Sukie

Q: Are we making tomorrow’s leaders or tomorrow’s morons in public school?

A: If this Dallas school district is any indication, it’s definitely the latter.

Q: Aren’t there enough dumbasses in the world already?

A: Yes!

Read her Lip(stick)

Record's Reveal Palin's Push for Earmarks

If I were in Russia, I bet I could see her lips moving from her backyard. I think she would be saying, "Thanks, but not thanks," in that horrible accent of hers. I'm no fool. I know politicians lie all of the time. Anyone who is willing and able to raise as much money as they do, and then spend it trying to win the greatest power in the world...well, that usually doesn't make for the most honest and warm-hearted person. I do believe Barack Obama and Joe Biden could produce a much needed change of direction for this country. If I didn't, then I wouldn't vote for them. Sukie and I were talking today, and it makes no sense for middle and lower class to vote for McCain. His plans will not help you. Period. I'm really tired of the McCain/Palin campaign continuing to just fucking out and out lie, and some people still believe them. I just don't get it.

Yo, Adrian?

Do you see it? Yes? No? Sorry, people. I've hit my word limit for the day. This is all I've got. Carry on.

The Diva Cup

Have you all heard of these? Apparently, the diva cup is an environmentally friendly alternative to pads and tampons. There are two sizes. Size 1 is for those ladies who are not all old and floppity. Size 2 is for the women who are big ole whores or have had babies. You can read more about that on the web site. At first, I wrinkled up my nose in disgust. After getting past the initial nastiness, I realized that this is no different than shoving a bunch of cotton up in your crotch. I do have to admit that it grosses me out a bit to think of emptying the diva cup. In fact, I was speaking with Mrs. Flax today, and she completely grossed me out. I was bitching about the Eastwickeans, and she said, "Why don't you buy a diva cup? You can throw the blood on them." Ewww, Mrs. Flax. 2 points for sheer meanness, but -1 for nastiness. I would like your opinion about the diva cup. Are there any users out there?

Don't Be Bitter Cindy...

It makes you press your lips together, which will result in fine lines around your Botoxed face. I posted part of The View interview with John and Cindy McCain. There are three parts, and you should watch them all. They are highly entertaining. Barbara, Joy, and Whoopi were giving them so much heat that Cindy's make-up started to melt. Maybe this is why she's so pissed.

Cindy was quoted as saying, "In spite of what you see ... in the newspapers, and on shows like 'The View' -- I don't know if any of you saw 'The View' yesterday, they picked our bones clean -- in spite of what you see, that's not what the American people are saying and what they are believing," says Mrs. McCain, per ABC News' Arnab Datta. "They are now seeing a clear difference with these candidates, and they are seeing who is going to make the best president, and that's why we're pulling ahead."

Actually, Cindy, The View is the type of show that women watch. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if some people get all of their information from shows like these. Maybe you should be pissed and worried. Also, I think Barbara Walters can bitch slap you all she wants about Sarah Palin. Barbara has actually broken glass ceilings for women and continues to do so. Basically, Cindy, I am telling you to fuck off and stop whining. I tried to tell you that Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn't matter.

Oh, Sarah! Please Stop Your Lies!

You probably woke up this morning to hear that the McCain campaign is at it again. They told ANOTHER LIE, and now they are trying to back pedal their way out of it. This excerpt from thewashingtonpost.com says it best.

"Palin made an official visit to see Alaskan troops in Kuwait in July of 2007. There, she made a stop at a border crossing with Iraq on July 25, according to the Boston Globe, but did not go further into the country. 'Sarah Palin's visit to Iraq in 2007 consisted of a brief stop at a border crossing between Iraq and Kuwait, the vice presidential candidate's campaign said yesterday, in the second official revision of her only trip outside North America,' the Globe's Bryan Bender wrote, adding, later in his story: '[C]ampaign aides and National Guard officials in Alaska said by telephone yesterday that she did not venture beyond the Kuwait-Iraq border.'
Lieutenant Colonel Dave Osborn, commander of the 3rd Battalion, 207th Infantry of the Alaska National Guard told the Globe she did not venture into Iraq. 'You have to have permission to go into a lot of areas, and [the crossing] is where her permissions were,' he said."

The McCain campaign is now on its third revision as to whether or not Palin was in Iraq. Honestly, if you had asked me in 2000 if John McCain would sink this low, I would have said no. His own ego and wants have taken over and that is a fucking scary situation for the American people. As far as Palin going to Iraq goes, let's check out some photos of people who have been to Iraq.

Kathy Griffin

Kid Rock

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

Comedian Al Franken was quoted in USA Today (12/22/2005) as saying, "I think I may be the only comedian who's played Abu Ghraib." He was talking about his visit to the prison near Baghdad where U.S. guards had abused Iraqi detainees.

What happened to McCain and his Straight Talk? BTW, I've sat in the Chicago airport for half a day. Does this mean I visited Chicago? I've also been on a train as it passed through Washington, DC. Does this count? Oh, and I can't forget the time I flew over San Diego. I had a great time there.

Snapfish.com Can Still Suck a Dick

Ok. Here's the message I sent, along with my order number.

Me: I ordered a customized day planner, and I received someone else's planner. I would like my customized planner sent to me immediately. Thank you.

Response:Thank you for contacting us.We are sorry that your order seems to have been mixed up. There is no need to send back that other customer's prints; it will be faster for everyone if you just throw those away. It is actually very likely that the other customer has received the correct order already (even if you received those same prints also).Our records show that the order was shipped on 9/8/2008 Most likely your order has been delayed by the Postal Service. While we know it's frustrating to wait, please wait until at least ten days from shipped date for your order to arrive.If your order is not received within ten business days of shipment, we will issue a refund or provide credits to allow you to order replacements. We know that's a long time to wait, but our experience with the postal service is that you are almost certain to have the order soon.Again, we apologize for the delay. Snapfish is committed to your satisfaction, and we make every effort to meet your expectations. Please feel free to contact us should you have any further questions regarding this matter.

Me: Well, that's nice that the other woman probably received what she actually ordered and paid for. I guess batting at 50% is ok for your company. How can my day planner show up in ten days when the order already arrived? It was shipped to me. The shipping slip had my order number on it, along with the name of my planner. Would you have sent me two day planners, when I only ordered one? I would like a credit to be issued to my account immediately.

Am I missing something? I totally could be because I'm mad as hell.

The View Ladies Kick McCain's Old, Lying Ass

Snapfish.com Can Suck a Dick

I'm so pissed. I ordered a variety of things from Snapfish the other day. Two of the three items arrived today. One item was bent all to hell, so I can't use it. The other item was a customized day planner. I had labored over what picture to put on my calendar, and I finally settled on one of the dogs. I had a snarky little title on it, and all of my work info is printed on the front cover. It looks like this:
If you find this, give it back!
A. Bitchford
phone
email

So, I open up my package, and this is what I fucking see.

Here's the problem. I don't know Wyatt and Trenton. I'm sure they are perfectly nice little boys, but I'm not their fucking Auntie! If Wyatt and Trenton's mommy is out there in the blogsphere somewhere, please know that I have your calendar. Your little boys are safe in Eastwick. So, someone out there has a day planner with an inbred looking dog on it and a pissy message on the front inside cover. This is why Snapfish can suck a dick. Has anyone had to deal with returning items and getting replacements with Snapfish? If so, I would like to hear about your experience. Please let it be favorable.

Too Funny Not to Share

Gina Gershon as Sarah Palin

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

dear john

Dear John McCain,

Let's make sure that before you go calling other people sexist, the comment to which you are referring is NOT one you have yourself made. M'kay?

Thanks,

In case y'all missed it, McCain's camp is making a big to-do out of Obama's comment that the McCain ticket is "not change...you can put lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig." McCain et. al. claim this is a direct sexist remark targeted at Sarah Palin who joked, "the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Lipstick!". They want an apology. Unfortunately for them, McCain is also a fan of the old adage "you can put lipstick on a pig...". And it is an old adage, so their point is really moot--especially since the last time McCain used it was in a discussion of Hillary Clinton's health care plan...and nobody said that was sexist.

Sarah can't stop lying...(revised...I am sick, but now I'm sick and can't sleep)

I mean, really, if this bitch had Pinocchio's problem, she'd be able to stab Bin Laden to death herself with her nose--without leaving her home state of Alaska.

And John McCain? Starting to remind me of Bernie in that movie Weekend at Bernie's. And Sarah Palin is propping him up like a puppet, making him move his mouth to her words. Earth to John McCain. John? This is Earth! Come in, John! Shit, y'all, I think we've lost John!

Sarah: Just let it go. We know now (for sure) that you DID support that "bridge to nowhere"--a symbol of political corruption, of overspending, of those earmarks you claim you fought against. We also know that you were the Queen of earmarks, hiring a lobbying firm to get you the most money possible out of Congress. Uh, hello. So, please, just stop repeating that line over and over again. And tell John to stop, too. At least he use to have some integrity before he started hanging out with you. But now you've got him telling outright lies, too, and that just ain't right! Now, I know that this isn't entirely your fault. I mean, after all, if John McCain had stood up to the Republican party and chosen one of his top two picks (Lieberman/Ridge) against their wishes (Mitt Romney), you wouldn't even be here. I know that you are only here today because John McCain basically got mad, through a hissy fit (if you won't let me have who I want...I won't give you who you want, either!), had only a couple of days left to make a pick the party would approve, and so, he picked you. I know it was a rash decision, one which shows us just what kind of president McCain would be. I know you've been struggling to stay above water ever since (that's why you just keep repeating the same lines over and over and refuse interviews while you attempt to study up on foreign policy). I know it's particularly tough since you don't actually believe in the same things as John McCain (like that global warming is man-made or that a windfall tax is a bad idea--seeing as you had such great success with that in Alaska, that one makes sense). But really? The lying? Has got to stop. I mean, a little exaggeration is expected, but outright lying is wrong. Drop the line. Find a new one. Preferably? A true one. Thanks.

Sources: Politifact, 9/3/08, CBS News, 9/2/08, Governor Palin Press Release, 9/21/07, Ketchikan Daily News, 11/21/06, Ketchikan Daily News, 8/9/06, Ketchikan Daily News, http://archive.ketchikandailynews.com/archive_results.php, 8/9/06, accessed 8/29/08, Ketchikan Daily News, 10/2/06, Anchorage Daily News, 10/22/06, republished 08/29/08, Washington Post, Kurtz Column, 9/9/08, AP, 9/9/08, Time Magazine, 9/9/08, Daily News Miner, 8/31/08, Anchorage Daily News, 8/31/08, USA Today, 9/8/08, AP, 9/8/08, Factcheck.org, 9/4/08, Politifact, Chicago Tribune Blog, 9/9/08, Wall Street Journal, 9/9/08,

Oh No They Didn't!

Sukie and I were waiting at the bus stop this morning, and it was a hot, humid morning. I hate those in Eastwick. My nice skirt was already sticking to me and riding up in the wrong places. I had my sunglasses on, so the other riders couldn't see my eat shit and die look. It's not personal. I just hate hot, muggy mornings. So, Sukie and I take our place right near the front where the bus will stop. We are there 10 minutes early, so we can make sure we get a good spot. About two minutes before the bus is due, a shit ton of people start crawling out of cars, coming out of WalMart, and slinking across the hot pavement. They look like those damn zombies from 28 Days Later. They come over and stand directly in front of us. What the fuck, assholes? I got here ealry for my spot, and your motherfucking piece of lazy shit self is gonna stand in front of me. To top things off, there was a woman on her cell phone directly beside us. She kept screaming things like, "Ehh! Yous up yet? Where you be?" Also, the creepy lady was there. She goes up to the people first in line and acts like she knows them. That's her secret way of breaking in line. Fucking bitch. I couldn't take it. Sukie and I took off towards my car. I had to get the fuck out of here. Fuck saving money. Fuck saving gas. My sanity is more important. I think our days of public transportation are numbered for awhile. We did make an agreement to continue carpooling, so I think that makes it all ok. Fuck Eastwick!